When does it stop being it? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 03:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm pretty new to things, five weeks and change I think.

First pregnancy, happy marriage, very much planned and we're excited.

So when does it stop being an it? When do I start feeling like there's a baby? Is it after the first trimester and all the fatigue/nausea etc passes? Is it after we see a heart beat? (three weeks away?) Is it quickening?

I know everyone is different but I'm wondering when more experienced folks felt the switch.

Anna, married to my soulmate and expecting #1 in May 2011.... 3 kitties
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#2 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 03:27 PM
 
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About halfway through, for me, def. after an ultrasound.

DS1 2004 ~ DS2 2005 ~ DD1 2008 ~ DS3 2010 ~ DD2 due Dec. 2014
On hospital bedrest for pPROM since 23 weeks
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#3 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 03:30 PM
 
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It's been different for each one of mine.

My first was always very real to me, and my second was mostly. The first time we could hear a heartbeat helps a lot.

I've been distant, for different reasons, for my 3rd and 4th. Just now, literally, in the last few days, I feel ready to accept that there is a baby. (I was due 10 days ago...). I will have to add that I didn't do any early prenatal care with this one, though. I don't know if that matters or not.

"If you keep doing the same things you've always done, you'll keep getting the same results you've always gotten."

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#4 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 03:36 PM
 
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Hi! The hearbeat definitely helps...then quickening a lot more...then having to wear maternity clothes and feeling and looking pregnant even more...I guess it comes in stages for me. But once this stupid nausea goes away I will be able to think of something other than my miserable self for a change!
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#5 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 03:49 PM
 
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I'm 37 weeks and it still feels like an it. Of course that isn't helped by the fact that we don't know the sex, so we even call it an it! I think I won't feel like it's an actual baby until I'm holding it.

Me love.gif, DH guitar.gif, and DD baby.gif9/27/10!
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#6 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 03:51 PM
 
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It's different for me every time!

This one is still a semi-It, and I'm nearly 27 weeks, I know the gender, and I'm pretty sure of his name. But, sometimes, he's still just an It!

Other times, it's been more "real" right from the BFP.

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#7 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 03:52 PM
 
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I think it depends on what pg it is for you and whether it was planned or not and how long you were TTC...I also think it really depends on if you've had losses, but for me i think not only will i need to see baby at 20w ultrasound but i will also need to feel those BIG reasurring kicks even though i've see heartbeat and had two early ultrasounds...but that's just me
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#8 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 03:59 PM
 
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It was pretty gradual for us. We had an ultrasound done at 10 weeks (dating because I had really long cycles) and we called him 'he' for a little while but he wasn't a solid idea yet. Of course I saw it and I knew it was there but it wasn't that real yet. By 16 weeks I was sure I was feeling him kick (first felt it at 14.5) and it felt the little tapping gave him personality. By 18-20 weeks I could feel him on the outside and that's when he really started becoming 'my baby' and an individual separate from myself. He liked it when I ate macaroni and cheese, he didn't like me resting my arm across my bump. The longer he's in there the more things we share. In the last month he's started getting excited whenever I play my Nintendo DS (I play with the volume up) and when his daddy talks to him in the morning.

This Mommy and Military Daddy are loving their son.
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#9 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 05:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kallyn View Post
I'm 37 weeks and it still feels like an it. Of course that isn't helped by the fact that we don't know the sex, so we even call it an it! I think I won't feel like it's an actual baby until I'm holding it.
I'm just 24 weeks, but I agree with what kallyn said. Logically I know it's a baby, but the whole thing continues to feel very abstract to me. We've been calling it Blueberry, though, so we don't often call it "It."


 
 
 
 

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#10 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 05:56 PM
 
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As soon as baby has a name. So for this one and DD it was as soon as we knew gender, with DS it was about a week after we found out he was a boy.

Then was no longer it... but instead baby Mae.

Artist, photographer, stay-at-home-mom and Marine wife. Mom to 4; a boy and three little girls.
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#11 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 06:06 PM
 
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Once we got a gender and 'it' became a 'she'.
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#12 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 07:10 PM
 
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I'm still not quite there, but seeing the heartbeat at the 8-week ultrasound brought me a long way forward. It's still all abstract but less so every time I look at the picture of little blob that sort of resembles a proto-human, and remember the flicker in its chest.

Fiction writer by training, writer/editor of anything anyone will hire me for by trade. Me + D=my girls E (4/2011) and little N, 1/2014.

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#13 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 08:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kallyn View Post
I'm 37 weeks and it still feels like an it. Of course that isn't helped by the fact that we don't know the sex, so we even call it an it! I think I won't feel like it's an actual baby until I'm holding it.
We didn't find out the gender with DS but we did this time. Still, both times, everything has felt so abstract. I didn't really connect and feel bonded with DS until the midwife placed him on my chest and I imagine it will be the same this time, too. I mean, I'm 39w2d and it's still abstract...we're running out of time!

Wife to Brian , mother to Xander 10/26/05 and new squishy, Claire 9/26/10 .
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#14 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 10:28 PM
 
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I'm glad I'm not the only one!

Me love.gif, DH guitar.gif, and DD baby.gif9/27/10!
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#15 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 10:35 PM
 
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Not until both of my children were born, and even then it took awhile to warm up to them.

Some (many?) women don't "bond" during pregnancy or even right away. And to be honest, I think it's just one more unreasonable expectation placed on us during a time when we're already hyperconscious about what we eat, how much we excercise, how we plan to birth, what we'll do about diapering, will we make a belly cast, etc. etc. On top of all that, we now wonder if something's wrong when we don't feel a sense of connection to what can feel very abstract indeed.

If you feel that connection, wonderful. But if you don't, really, there's nothing wrong or unusual about it.
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#16 of 25 Old 09-20-2010, 11:04 PM
 
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I think for us baby is an "it" until birth. It's not even a no-connection thing. It's a practicality. We don't find out the sex until birth. I don't say "it" because I'm not attached, I say "it" because that's shorter than saying "the baby" all the time.

Banana, doula wife to Papa Banana and mother to Banana One, Banana Two, Banana Three, Banana Four...

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#17 of 25 Old 09-21-2010, 08:52 AM
 
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Add me to the "abstract-until-birth" list.

At-home mom to a teenager, an infant, and three in between!
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#18 of 25 Old 09-21-2010, 09:05 AM
 
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I'm on the "not until after it's born" list and then some. On some level I think the baby is an it for a bit longer even...like until you get to know it. Quickening definitely makes the idea seem more like a "thing" though.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#19 of 25 Old 09-21-2010, 11:09 AM
 
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For me it happened when the baby was finally big enough to react to my poking it or to startle at sudden loud sounds. So, toward the end of 2nd tri. Before that I would feel the baby kick around, but once it was "interacting" with the outside world, it became a little person with opinions about what it was experiencing. So cool.

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#20 of 25 Old 09-21-2010, 11:38 AM
 
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For me with DS, I had so many ultrasounds it became 'the baby' after we saw him dancing around on the screen at 9 weeks.

This one...I'm 19 weeks and it just became 'the baby' I feel her moving more and reacting to sound. Its becoming real.

We didn't find out the sex until birth with ds and don't plan to with this one either.

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#21 of 25 Old 09-21-2010, 01:52 PM
 
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For me hearing the heartbeat on a Doppler the first time (around 11 weeks, I think), was all it took. We don't do ultrasounds, but I could see that that would have a similar impact: "Whoa, there's really someone in there!"

I'm really enjoying this one's movement, too. I can't remember how I felt about that the first time around.

DD 7/07 DS 1/11

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#22 of 25 Old 09-21-2010, 04:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for all these wonderful replies!!!

I totally get how a newborn is still a bit "it-like".

I guess I'm really looking forward to the second trimester... feeling it move, then later, DH being able to feel it move.

I love Blueberry. I have some names picked out and whenever I think of it with one of the names I love it gives me shivers. Good ones.

But a non-gender name sounds like fun for now.

Anna, married to my soulmate and expecting #1 in May 2011.... 3 kitties
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#23 of 25 Old 09-21-2010, 06:01 PM
 
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For me it was an emotional thing. Not necessarily an event. With number one I felt like it was an 'it' in an ambiguous kind of way. I loved my babe so much, talked to him all the time, prayed for him, but just had no concept of what 'feeling like a mother' was, so he was still an 'it' until sometime after he was born. Actually, my very first thoughts the first time I held him (moments after he emerged from my body) were, "What does this mean?" LOL Well, it was a slow, sweet falling in love.

With my second I didn't feel like he was my son (even though we had found out his gender this time--partially because I felt so disconnected and thought it would help) until I had him in my arms. Somehow he remained an 'it' the entire pregnancy. I had some fears about if I would love him as much as my first son (my first has special needs, so I was actually afraid I would not love a 'normal' child the same). As soon as he was born I knew I loved him deeply, and I felt connected to him. It was immediate.

With this pregnancy, it was through an emotional journey, not an event, that I came to feel deeply connected to this boy already. I feel like I already know him, already know how to parent him (we'll see, eh?). So, who knows how these things happen. I think it is different for each mother, and however it happens is okay. I think the first time is a little different too, simply because experiencing pregnancy has so many thrills an preparing your lives for a baby can be such a fun task. Anyway, the second trimester is something to look forward too. It does make things more real when people around you can readily recognize that you are pregnant.

Kim. My heart is full! Wife to Ray, Mama to 3 boys!  "Big C", our boy with designer genes, "Little C", and "Baby M" 11/2010.
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#24 of 25 Old 09-22-2010, 03:40 PM
 
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It felt like an "it" for me until we found out the sex at 20 weeks. If you don't intend to have an ultrasound or find out the sex, it may feel like an it until birth. I don't know, because that's the only way I've done it. We are planning on having an ultrasound this time too at 20 weeks and finding out the sex But after reading these posts, it seems like it's different for everyone.

DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)

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#25 of 25 Old 09-22-2010, 03:44 PM
 
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For me, it's only an "it" until I think I know the gender (I was so sure with DS I referred to him by name through the pregnancy)

As for it being a baby and the realism of it all, that starts for me from the moment I get my BFP. Oh, and I see we are both due in May.
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