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#61 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 03:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MegBoz View Post
I've had HCPs ask that - both a CRNP in the OBs office when I was first PG with DS 3 years ago, and my new HB MW.

I can sorta see the HB MW asking because she wants to get to know me & my family closely. But anyone else - no, totally NOT socially acceptable!
I think there is a medical reason to ask if the pregnancy was planned. If you were on birth control at the time of conception, it makes it harder to know when you conceived.

From other people, just none of their business.

The only question worse than this: people asking you if you are dilated yet.

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#62 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 03:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by KayTeeJay View Post
I was asked this too, with both pregnancies. And not that anyone *should* be asked, but we did all the "socially acceptable" things before getting pregnant--i.e. College, well paying jobs, home ownership, etc... That was the first thing out of my stepmom's mouth when we told her. It just kind of popped out, but it was still a little hurtful.
We're in a similar situation, 30 years old, been married for 6 years, bought our home 3 years ago, etc. etc. And to top it all off family has been bugging us to have kids for the last few years!! And when we tell them we're expecting that's still their first question.

It's a good thing DH answered when his parents asked because he's much nicer than me. My response was going to be something along the lines of "Are you REALLY asking about our sex life??"
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#63 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 03:49 PM
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it's rude, but even i have made that mistake. usually in circumstances where the kids are reeeeally close together or really far apart. it's a fairly straightforward case of blurting it out before my brain's "common sense" filter turns on.

i've not been asked this pregnancy because most people either knew or assumed we were trying. i'd not been asked with my first DD because everyone assumed it was an accident, the relationship didn't last past the +HPT.

January 2011
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#64 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 04:27 PM
 
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I've never been asked if this one was planned. The closest thing I've had said to me was, "You know what causes that right?"

My response was, "Yes, but I enjoy it too much to stop."

Made everyone else in earshot laugh and the nosy old man just gaped at me. LOL

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#65 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 04:43 PM
 
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Eh, worse than people asking if it was planned is people ASSUMING it wasn't! I had a friend of my stepmom's ask if she could have the baby!

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#66 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 04:53 PM
 
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I personally think the only person who should be able to ask me if my pregnancy was planned is my OB or MW, and even then I don't think it's really much of their business, but I can understand why they ask. Other than that, I think it's completely nosy and inappropriate to ask.

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#67 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 05:45 PM
 
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so when I first got pregnant I had told a coworker I was expecting. The next day she told her ex my good news. Her ex happens to know my mom. She was flabberghasted when her ex responded with oh yeah her mom told me they were trying! First of all my mom knew we were thinking about another baby but what right does she have to talk about my sex life to other people. I was furious! And I had to respond to the (so were you )question. Thanks mom!

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#68 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 05:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by inthezoo View Post
I have been asked this question a lot and usually tell people, we are working on eight and they often just choke and walk away stunned. Every now and then someone surprises me and says "Good for you!"

I have three boys though and for some reason everyone assumes I really want a girl, so I get that question more than if it was planned. Honestly I'm a little scared for my boys of having a girl because I would hate for anyone to make any of them feel less important with comments like "Finally got your girl?" And I can see those comments coming from family as well as strangers. I already get the "Let's hope it's a girl!" comments from so many people friends, family and strangers alike. It really makes me mad! All I want is a healthy baby!!!
my parents got a lot of "this one will finally be a boy" "hope it's a boy this time" "are you going to have more if you don't get your boy" questions when expecting baby #4. my mom would say something like "But we love having girls" my sisters and I knew that both my parents were pretty sure that it was a girl, and it was. and we all knew that my parents were really happy about having 4 girls

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#69 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 07:02 PM
 
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"OMG! I didn't have that test run?!? How do I tell if it is natural or not!?! How many weeks along do you have to be before they can tell?!?"
Jenne


Oh, Adorkable, use this one! Please, please, please.
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#70 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 07:08 PM
 
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Allowed to ask: Mom, Mother in Law, Dad, Father-in-Law, step parents, close brother or sister.

Everyone else: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Yes, I have occasionally wondered if they were so close together on purpose, but I wouldn't dare ask.

I once heard someone ask another woman if her *twins* were on purpose. Talk about dumb questions.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#71 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 07:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MO_Bookwyrm View Post
I've never been asked if this one was planned. The closest thing I've had said to me was, "You know what causes that right?"

My response was, "Yes, but I enjoy it too much to stop."

Made everyone else in earshot laugh and the nosy old man just gaped at me. LOL
Love it and it served him right!
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#72 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 07:16 PM
 
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I once heard someone ask another woman if her *twins* were on purpose. Talk about dumb questions.
I think the only way to semi-politely ask (in a roundabout way) would be to ask how they felt when they found out they were having two. They could still truthfully answer the question without getting into any details.
Plus who doesn't love a good 'how we found out we were pregnant' story??

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#73 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 07:23 PM
 
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But... how do you plan twins? I mean, you might be using fertility treatments that have a much higher rate of twins, but PLANNING twins?

Is there a way to do that?!?

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#74 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 07:38 PM
 
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I had a hard time understanding how you would get those questions because I read your siggie as, "Wife to an amazing hippy mama". I was thinking that people MUST know that lesbians need to do a bit of planning in order to have children.
I just realized that I need to change my siggie! I am married to a wonderful hippie man! So while there is still planning involved it doesn't involve any other parties!!!!Hehe. That is hilarious, I have had that forever and never realized it read like hippie mama, I need a comma there obviously!! Love it love it love it! I bet people have been confused as hell more than once!

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#75 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 07:45 PM
 
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My MIL just LIT INTO my husband when she found out I was pregnant with our last, on and on about not using protection, how could he be so irresponsible, blah blah blah. So when she called a couple of weeks later I answered the phone and we were chit-chatting and she (sweetly) asked if it was planned. I (sweetly) said "Oh, no, this was planned! All of our children were planned!" I could hear the shock in her voice, I so wish I could have seen her face...

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#76 of 99 Old 11-06-2010, 11:48 PM
 
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I think I've gotten all variations. Plenty of "were you planning this?"-mostly from family and sounding somewhat accusatory and some from casual aquantinces who just seemed, well, curious. I did at least have one person apologize and say it was none of her business as soon as it came out of her mouth, so that's a plus I guess. Definately got all the "Now you have a boy and girl and can quit!" comments after DS was born. Which really annoys me. Sorry, but I'm not basing my family on gender. I fully expect the tut-tutting to get worse after this one's born and its obvious there isn't a huge gap between our lo and DS-esp from strangers. And it is rude rude rude!

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#77 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 12:02 AM
 
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I've been asked a few times, and am in no way offended. It doesn't bother me if others are curious. Maybe they're asking b/c they themselves are considering another. Who knows, who cares.
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#78 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 01:16 AM
 
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I don't remember being asked with my first 2, so I was kinda shocked as I continued to be asked if we were "planning" #3. Not really offended, but really didn't even know how to answer! We're wanting to have 5(ish?) children (we'll see how we feel about more as they come), and up to this point we haven't felt the need to use any form of birth control, but NO, we weren't exactly PLANNING #3 at the time we got pregnant (even though 2 & 3 will be 2 yrs apart- almost to the day).

So I mean how do you answer someone about that??? "Well, if you really want to know about our sex life, this is what's happened over the last year......" ????

I don't know.... It felt pretty strange when it wasn't a close friend or family member. Of course, many of our close friends and family weren't even as surprised as I was, since they all know we'd like to have a big family. They would just say "Yeah, I guess it's been long enough for you to have another one."

Although, I must admit, I'm pretty sure I've asked at least 3 of my close friends this question before. But I don't think it came across as offensive to any of them, since it is asked in the sense of "how do you feel about this?" I would NEVER ask a stranger though. That is absolutely weird.

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#79 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 01:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I can totally relate to the not really planning pregnancy, but not really avoiding it either. It makes answering the "was it planned" questions even trickier.

Along the line of inappropriate questions regarding twins. What do you all feel about the question "do twins run in your family?" Is this annoying and rude?
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#80 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 01:47 AM
 
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I was raised that it was a source of pride if twins "run in the family" but it can be a bit rude, I suppose, to ask. No one ever asked me, but I was never pregnant with twins, either.
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#81 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 10:58 AM
 
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Along the line of inappropriate questions regarding twins. What do you all feel about the question "do twins run in your family?" Is this annoying and rude?
I'd be curious to here too -- only because that totally doesn't seem like a rude question to me. I guess if you felt the person was fishing for more info IVF or something I would think it were rude, inappropriate but as a general question it seems pretty innocent, common to me. Sort of along the lines of "do you know what you're having."

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#82 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 11:25 AM
 
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Someone asked me that this time...I was like 'what!?'

He said, "oh was in an accident or were you trying?"

SERIOUSLY! We were trying for 4 months before we finally got pregnant and my ds was already just-about-3 years old! Why would it be an accident!?

me, dh and 2 boys = our family (oh and a cat...who is also a male...lol)
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#83 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 12:19 PM
 
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I'd be curious to here too -- only because that totally doesn't seem like a rude question to me. I guess if you felt the person was fishing for more info IVF or something I would think it were rude, inappropriate but as a general question it seems pretty innocent, common to me. Sort of along the lines of "do you know what you're having."
Haha, I know a funny answer to that one: "In a couple of years they will."

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#84 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 12:27 PM
 
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I don't think asking about twins is rude, it's more curious. Chances are, if it's a close friend I would already know if twins were in their family, and if it's an someone I'm not friends with, me personally I wouldn't ask because there is a good chance it was fertility treatments or something that might make someone feel weird. But if I were having twins I wouldn't feel as bad as I do when people say stupid things like "Oh I didn't know you were trying..."
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#85 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 01:48 PM
 
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What amazes me is that people apparently ask this when you have fewer than four kids. I can see eyes raising at five kids--not that it's appropriate to say anything, but still, the thought briefly crosses your mind, "Gee, five, I wonder if they were planning that!"--but three?!? Four? Three is well within the average.

Bizarre.

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#86 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 01:48 PM
 
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Along the line of inappropriate questions regarding twins. What do you all feel about the question "do twins run in your family?" Is this annoying and rude?
In many cases I feel like this is another way for them to ask if I was on drugs. If I say no they don't, they assume fertility treatments and assign whatever feeling they have about those.(feeling generated by stories of octomom and the like)

My standard answer for the question is "they do now!" I feel that one is easier to brush off with a fun easy response that does not give them any juice.


I like e comment about the twins running around soon!

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#87 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 02:31 PM
 
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i have been asked this SO. MANY. TIMES.
i get offended every time.

mama to 8 year old haye  and 3 year old zao

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#88 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 03:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
What amazes me is that people apparently ask this when you have fewer than four kids. I can see eyes raising at five kids--not that it's appropriate to say anything, but still, the thought briefly crosses your mind, "Gee, five, I wonder if they were planning that!"--but three?!? Four? Three is well within the average.

Bizarre.
My friend and I were talking about this yesterday. I am pregnant with my third and she has 5. We were commenting that not long ago in our parents generation it was VERY common to have at least 4 children. Now if you have more than two something must be wrong with you.

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#89 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 08:42 PM
 
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One lady was rude, "were you trying?" I smiled and said, "No. We were practicing a lot though." her face was priceless.
Ok that is just hilarious!! Great comeback. I hadn't given it much thought but it is pretty rude & intrusive. I have been asked repeatedly if it was planned (it's our 1st) but only by doctors/professionals so I guess I don't care. My family knew I was TTC so the few people we told were just happy we got it right away.

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#90 of 99 Old 11-07-2010, 10:41 PM
 
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Along the line of inappropriate questions regarding twins. What do you all feel about the question "do twins run in your family?" Is this annoying and rude?
I have identical twin nephews who are almost 3, and my SIL complains *a lot* about all the questions people ask. She said it's really hard to get through the grocery store because people want to stop and question her about them all the time. But she is an identical twin herself, so it could be that her irritation comes more from a lifetime worth of questions

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