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Old 11-05-2010, 02:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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to ask someone if their pregnancy was planned? I was a little taken aback today when someone I just met asked me if my pregnancy was planned. Is it just me, or is that really no one's business. Yes, it was planned, but if it wasn't why does it matter? And is it really inconceivable that I would plan to have another baby? I'm 29 and have a 2 year old. Even if I was like 45 or something and was pregnant, I don't really think it's anyone's business as to whether or not I planned the pregnancy.

Has anyone else been asked if their pregnancy was planned?
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Old 11-05-2010, 02:27 PM
 
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yes... but I 1. was not yet married to her father and 2. already have a boy and girl so many people were 1. shocked we would do such a sinful thing or 2. shocked we would NEED any more, although this is DHs first bio child.

Not that it makes it anyones business... but I know curiosity got the best of them for those reasons.

Of course... I still tell them all no. Just to get to them.

Even though she very very much was planned.

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Old 11-05-2010, 02:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by dejagerw View Post

Has anyone else been asked if their pregnancy was planned?
This is our third and I was shocked at how many times I have gotten this question and not from strangers. From friends and family!

I think no matter what your personal situation it is a rude question to ask someone.

Sarah - wife, mom to Riley 7/9/03 and Jacob 7/15/05 and Hannah 1/5/11 a successful vbac.gif
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Old 11-05-2010, 02:29 PM
 
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I've been asked this more times than I can count. "Was this baby a surprise?" "Were you planning to have them so close together?" "Was it an accident?" And on and on and on. I don't know if it's socially acceptable or not but people sure love to ask!!

SAHM to 3 girls
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Old 11-05-2010, 02:31 PM
 
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no it's not acceptable, and yes I've been asked.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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Old 11-05-2010, 02:31 PM
 
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I don't know if it's socially acceptable but I've been asked that too. The question that bothers me the most though that isn't anyones business is "Are you going to get your tubes tied now?" or better yet "Well you better get tied this time." What?!!! How is that anyone's business and what does it matter? Really, because I'm having my 3rd child I'm done. They act like this baby is a punishment for not getting my tubes tied "like I should have" after DD and DS. Of course I had a boy and a girl so I was done. Who would have another child if they already had one of each? And if I was dumb enough to risk it I better stop now. Ugh!!!! Back off people!

I think sometimes it's just curiousity but it's not anyone's business whether the baby was planned or not. Heck if you weren't 'trying' but not preventing then would it be planned? Is it bad if it isn't? No!!!

Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD plus and spending my days
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Old 11-05-2010, 02:33 PM
 
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I think from a close friend it would be OK, but from a co-worker, family member or stranger it would be off-putting.

Julia, mama to Bumpa 2008, and The Mole 2011

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Old 11-05-2010, 02:33 PM
 
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...Of course... I still tell them all no. Just to get to them.

Even though she very very much was planned.
This made me laugh! I just smile and shrug when they talk about me getting my tubes tied. You can see the shock on their faces. I love it!

Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD plus and spending my days
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Old 11-05-2010, 02:35 PM
 
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They act like this baby is a punishment for not getting my tubes tied "like I should have" after DD and DS. Of course I had a boy and a girl so I was done. Who would have another child if they already had one of each?
We got asked a lot why we wanted a third when we already had a boy and a girl. I didn't realize when you had the complete set you were supposed to stop?

Sarah - wife, mom to Riley 7/9/03 and Jacob 7/15/05 and Hannah 1/5/11 a successful vbac.gif
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Old 11-05-2010, 02:47 PM
 
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I'm not sure if it's 'socially acceptable' .. but it sure happens a lot.

I've started to just ignore such comments and let them think what they may.

I'm PG with my 4th .. (have 3 boys already) so far people either comment on hoping this one is 'finally' a girl ......... or say 'oh what a surprise' or some such. Truth be told we were 'trying' for this one for most of a year......... :P

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Old 11-05-2010, 02:48 PM
 
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yes, I have already been asked this a few times, and so far we've only told family and a few close friends!

I didn't think much of it at the time, because I was still in shock...but in retrospect it kind made me mad - no, I do not think it socially acceptable! I'm going to have to think of some snappy retort, because I have a feeling we are going to be asked this a LOT more once we announce it to the world

Wife to my lobster, mama to Dude (6/07), Monkey (3/09), 3 puppers and unexpectedly expecting #3 (edd late June/early July '11)!
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Old 11-05-2010, 02:51 PM
 
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weird - I have thankfully never been asked that question. Although my kids will be almost 4 years apart, this is my second and I am 40. I am actually surprised I haven't gotten other personal questions.

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Old 11-05-2010, 02:55 PM
 
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I don't think its polite but I have asked. My 3 sister in laws were all planning on getting Mirena and then one day about a year later the eldest (whose youngest were 2, 1, and 1) announced she was pregnant again! I knew her twins were oops babies as she admitted getting pregnant, especially with twins, with a 4 month old wasn't exactly part of the plan. This last one was planned though.
Now the family is making the 'snip snip' comments. Yeah it is her choice to have more children but its not exactly polite when you have to rely on other people to buy groceries to take care of them and you're still planning more.

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Old 11-05-2010, 03:00 PM
 
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I think from a close friend it would be OK, but from a co-worker, family member or stranger it would be off-putting.
This.

Just because it's common doesn't mean it's acceptable. It's almost like they're digging for dirt. "oh and oopsie baby. How irresponsible of you!" It's none of their business!

Mom to angel baby, grew wings at 5 weeks in May '07, William, born Dec '08, and another angel who grew wings at 8w4d (lost at 11w) in Oct '10. Rachel born Feb 2012, Another angel Lost Sept '13. New bean due Nov '14!
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Old 11-05-2010, 03:07 PM
 
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I got this early in my pregnancy from both family and friends, and was taken aback at how rude it was. We didn't advertise it, but we had been TTC for most of a year, so the "was this planned?" comment- after being married 4 years, with a house and stable jobs and everything "just right"- really surprised me.

Jo - WOHM to E 12/26/10, Wife to SAHD DH.

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Old 11-05-2010, 03:18 PM
 
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I get it, and I do NOT think it is socially acceptable! Such an odd question-"did your birth control fail?" "Did you MEAN for him to finish inside you?" is what they are really asking. None of your business!!!!
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Old 11-05-2010, 03:35 PM
 
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I've had HCPs ask that - both a CRNP in the OBs office when I was first PG with DS 3 years ago, and my new HB MW.

I can sorta see the HB MW asking because she wants to get to know me & my family closely. But anyone else - no, totally NOT socially acceptable!
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Old 11-05-2010, 03:43 PM
 
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I've had HCPs ask that - both a CRNP in the OBs office when I was first PG with DS 3 years ago, and my new HB MW.

I can sorta see the HB MW asking because she wants to get to know me & my family closely. But anyone else - no, totally NOT socially acceptable!
well even my doctor... needs to know for future birth control conversations (as in, if its a "no, I messed up taking my birth control." discuss other birth control options. If "no, we were using pullout." might want to have a conversation about the accuracy of pullout). just as my midwives asked if she was planned also asked our plans for birth control after she was born (currently doing the only 100% effective thing... just plain not having sex. It sucks )

Artist, photographer, stay-at-home-mom and Marine wife. Mom to 4; a boy and three little girls.
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Old 11-05-2010, 03:59 PM
 
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We have been asked, especially because people figure there is no possible way we would have planned to have two children with February birthdays...

wife of 8 years to DH geek.gif, mama to DD blahblah.gif (2006) & DS jog.gif (2011) angel1.gif (Dec. 2012) rainbow1284.gif due Nov. 2013 

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Old 11-05-2010, 04:13 PM
 
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I was asked a few times.

Once I didn't mind because it was someone who went on to tell me about how he and his wife were IF and adopted. I shared my IF story too.

One lady was rude, "were you trying?" I smiled and said, "No. We were practicing a lot though." her face was priceless.

I can get kinda snarky sometimes. Most of the time I'm good, but her indignation really bothered me. Plus, she was a stranger which made me all the madder.

The rest I was honest and said it wasn't planned but very very much wanted and we are very delighted.

I think its rude, just like, "what is it? Doesn't your Dh want a boy." or "Oh I bet your hoping for a girl."

We really don't care about the sex, but it bothers me everyone thinks we want one or the other or one is more preferred. Its not like I'm getting the wrong dress size and can return it. Plus if I was having Gender disappointment, dear stranger in the supermarket, would you really want to know?

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Old 11-05-2010, 04:16 PM
 
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One lady was rude, "were you trying?" I smiled and said, "No. We were practicing a lot though." her face was priceless.
ROFL .......... I just snorted I laughed so hard........ I love that comment!

Rae 27 DH Phillip 32 married 11-22-03
DS1 Nathaniel b. 11-21-04, DS2 Ian b. 9-8-06, DS3 Samuel b. 10-1-08, DS4 Peter b. 5-24-11
 

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Old 11-05-2010, 04:42 PM
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Love it, too.

I have def discussed this with friends but someone just asking-- RUDE! I can't believe how rude and pushy people are in general, and esp about parenting/babies stuff. I mean, I'm super gung ho about crunchy stuff, and I have wayyyyy more tact and keep my nose outta their business, compared to how most people have acted towards me. Someone actually asked me last time if the baby had a place to sleep-- ?! Random coworker in the copy room of my school, how is that your business? But the stuff about trying/are you dilated/etc are way worse b/c hello, you are asking about my hooha!
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Old 11-05-2010, 04:46 PM
 
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LOL practicing a lot. I'm going to use that.

Mom to angel baby, grew wings at 5 weeks in May '07, William, born Dec '08, and another angel who grew wings at 8w4d (lost at 11w) in Oct '10. Rachel born Feb 2012, Another angel Lost Sept '13. New bean due Nov '14!
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Old 11-05-2010, 04:53 PM
 
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dejager, your name suggests you are Dutch. It wasn't in Holland, by any chance, that you were asked this? I've received the most outrageous comments and questions here - the Dutch don't know when to stop! Yesterday I was told by a woman (at my erstwhile favourite takeout place) she could tell I was expecting a boy because I don't look 'pretty and blossoming' as women who expect girls do (fortunately I had also been told the opposite by a friend, so that took the edge of).

Somehow being pregnant makes you public property.
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Old 11-05-2010, 04:55 PM
 
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Hey! I'm Dutch!!

Mom to angel baby, grew wings at 5 weeks in May '07, William, born Dec '08, and another angel who grew wings at 8w4d (lost at 11w) in Oct '10. Rachel born Feb 2012, Another angel Lost Sept '13. New bean due Nov '14!
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Old 11-05-2010, 04:56 PM
 
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With each pregnancy we get asked that, by everyone! I have gotten more used to it. We also get asked all the time, "Are they all yours?" "Do you run a daycare?" "Are you done yet?" and my favorite "Don't you know how to stop that?" These comments began when we had three, now that I am 40 weeks with #6 people just think we are crazy!!!! We also have little spacing between some of them, two are 15 months apart, so people automatically assume, albeit incorrectly, that we were not planning them! It kind of bothers me. I have had the urge to ask people back "Which one do you think I should give up?" It is neat though because my 11 yr old boy tells people when they are staring "Yes we are all hers, yes she knows how it happens and yes her hands certainly are full!"

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Old 11-05-2010, 05:42 PM
 
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It is neat though because my 11 yr old boy tells people when they are staring "Yes we are all hers, yes she knows how it happens and yes her hands certainly are full!"
What a kid! I bet that makes their day.

I'm pregnant with #6 and I don't know if anyone has ever asked if our kids were planned. I think they pretty much assume they weren't, because they're reallllllly close together and apparently no one in their right mind would do that.

However, I got pregnant with my first right away. When I announced my pregnancy at work, one of my coworkers kinda looked down at me and said, "So did this happen before the wedding or after?"
1.) None of your business
2.) We were engaged for a year. It wasn't exactly a shotgun wedding, KWIM?
3.) See #1.

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Old 11-05-2010, 05:52 PM
 
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One lady was rude, "were you trying?" I smiled and said, "No. We were practicing a lot though." her face was priceless.


Anna, married to my soulmate and expecting #1 in May 2011.... 3 kitties
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Old 11-05-2010, 05:58 PM
 
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I've had HCPs ask that - both a CRNP in the OBs office when I was first PG with DS 3 years ago, and my new HB MW.

I can sorta see the HB MW asking because she wants to get to know me & my family closely. But anyone else - no, totally NOT socially acceptable!


Healthcare/Mental Health professionals are IMO totally fine to ask. If it wasn't expected it can be quite a shock. This one was very well planned and it still hit me pretty hard emotionally. If he would have decided to show up a few years ago I probably would have completely panicked and considered things totally out of character. Even an 'assembly line OB' might ask to help with lifestyle choices (quitting smoking, taking prenatal vitamins, diet changes, contraceptives after the birth, ect).

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Old 11-05-2010, 06:09 PM
 
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i have been asked this, and i hate it.

mostly because it has happened because people have assumed that i made irresponsible decisions getting pregnant, assumed that 'first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage', assumed that my son was not planned and therefore probably not 100% wanted, assumed that i need to somehow be congratulated for not choosing abortion...

i don't mind the question so much--i would answer it to a HCP or a close friend, but i hate the judgment behind it. i was pregnant at 19 and in a very new relationship and not 100% financially independent--but, no, my son was planned and wanted and is very much loved. it's funny, this was about 6 years ago and i still remember all of the judgment, so painful.

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