I am so sorry, but this was not your fault in any way, shape or form. It just wasn't. I don't really buy the "babies can tell if you're not bonded to them in utero" line anyway. You gave Gunnar a warm, cosy home inside you, nourishment... everything he needed. As far as his little brain could work out, you were the perfect mother. I'm so sorry you didn't get to meet him, and I know every parent blames herself to some extent when her child dies... but this is a tragedy, NOT karma because of your (totally legitimate and understandable!) mixed feelings about the pregnancy.
Hang in there. Do you have someone taking care of you?
Arizona backwards is still Arizona! It's a palomino!
Oh mama! I am so sorry this happened to you. I don't know if there is anything to say except that you are a wonderful mother, doing the best you can. Please take care of yourself, and please seek some support. You need to heal. I wish you strength and love on your journey.
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