Mamas w/same sex families -- how do you deal with the comments? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 27 Old 01-18-2011, 12:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, the deal is I had my 20 week ultrasound today and we are having a third boy.  I am fine with this for myself (even happy, even relieved), and so is DH, but I am very, very upset about all the comments I know we will get from others.  Having children of all one sex is considered undesirable and a kind of failure.  I could try to deny that if I wanted to, but I'm not oblivious.  I used to be one of those people who felt sorry for people with three boys or three girls (or more), AND I already got stupid comments after having a second boy, so I know the attitude exists and is very common.  So in addition to having the burden of bearing my MIL's sixth grandson in a row and all the pressure and disappointment that comes with that, people are going to be making asshat remarks whenever they ask and I tell them it's a boy.  We've already been getting the whole "oh, are you hoping for a girl this time?" line for the past however many weeks.  I'm SICK OF IT!!!!!

 

Why do people say stupid things about the sex of a new baby?  Why, why, why?  I was going off to my parents about this the other day and my mom was all, "they don't mean anything by it," and I know they don't mean anything against me personally but I really don't need people's pity!  I'm offended for myself and I'm offended on behalf of my poor third son because apparently he's so uninteresting and disappointing because my other two children also have penises ... as if he's not a unique human being because of the sex of my first two kids.

 

I know this is probably just pregnancy hormones working overtime, and I'm not normally one to care too much what other people think about things, but for some reason I am really, really bothered by this.  Can anyone either reassure me that the comments will stop at some point? or either regale me with stories of the dumbest things people have ever said to you and your witty retorts!  That will help cheer me up. :)

 


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#2 of 27 Old 01-18-2011, 12:56 PM
 
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Hugs mama! It's frustrating.

 

I don't think people realize how they come across in regards to same-sex families. We have three girls and we're expecting a new baby in July. My entire pregnancy with DD3 DH's family constantly talked about how much they wanted a grandson, our inability to have a son, did I have something wrong with me, etc. It was horrible! I had really wanted a son that pregnancy, too, and it was hard to not show everyone I was upset I didn't have a boy. (To make matters worse I was told early on she was a boy and was then later told girl.)

 

Now, with expecting a new baby in July, everyone is chatting about this one must be a boy. I have a strong feeling it's probably another girl. But so what? I don't care about the gender. I'm just hoping for a healthy and happy baby. When people have made remarks, I've simply told them I'm not concerned about gender as all I want is a healthy baby and that's what they should be hoping for too. Since I told DH's family that about this baby, I sure haven't heard much from them!


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#3 of 27 Old 01-18-2011, 02:10 PM
 
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I totally understand where you are coming from! I have 3 girls, and this baby is a boy, due in April. I get comments all the time, "Oh, now you must be done since you finally have a boy." or "Aren't you happy you're finally having a boy!" It's irritating, like my family isn't complete without both genders.

 

Truthfully, this baby was an accident and we thought we were done with our 3 girls. Logistically it might be easier to have another girl, for hand-me-down clothes and room sharing when he's older. We are totally happy that this baby looks like he will be healthy, nothing to do with his gender. But especially if I say that I am done after this, people assume it's cause this one's a boy. No, I will have 4 kids, that's why I'm done. 

 

Anyway, hugs to you! I'm amazed at the stupid comments people make in general to pregnant women. 

 

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#4 of 27 Old 01-18-2011, 02:55 PM
 
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I do have one son but I'm having my third girl in a row and we're getting a lot of comments. I just laugh it off. I don't think people really mean anything by it but it is annoying!


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#5 of 27 Old 01-18-2011, 03:12 PM
 
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I could have written your post...many times.  We are actually choosing not to find out this time for this very reason.  I can NOT stand everyone's desire to have a boy.  We feel very strongly that we have to defend our children's genders to others for many of the exact same comments.  It's horrible.  It's distressing.  I do feel it stronger when I am pregnant, but I have generally felt it since we 'failed' on our first child.  Dh's family behaved like it was a choice we made personally against them.  Now that we have told people we aren't finding out what we're having, they act like I'm not pregnant, which is honestly just fine with me!

 

I'm so sorry people are stupid and prejudice.  It's absolutely ridiculous and hurtful to every single person involved.  I might have some things 'in my pocket' for backup when you tell them.  When they say "Oh, another boy" very disappointed, I would call them out:  "You say that like it's a bad thing."  Call them out on it if you feel comfortable doing so.  Maybe they will learn they need to find their 'edit' button!


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#6 of 27 Old 01-18-2011, 03:35 PM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by amaayeh View Post

 

We are actually choosing not to find out this time for this very reason.  I can NOT stand everyone's desire to have a boy.  We feel very strongly that we have to defend our children's genders to others for many of the exact same comments.  It's horrible.  It's distressing.  


 

This was my DPs reasoning for not wanting to find out. He wanted it to be between us and our child, the bond with our baby to be ours minus the opinions of others on the sex. Everyone wanted him to have a boy - his 1st. We did find out and it is a boy. I would have hated for him to be met with the disappointment of others if the babe had been a girl. We would have been overjoyed either way! 

 

As far as I can tell, no matter what, people have their weird opinions - as if any of us have a say as to the sex of our children. I had three boys before I had girls and found this subject infuriating, like my boys weren't good enough or that I'd keep having the "wrong" sex because I was trying for the "right". People made comments in front of my sons that tested my composure. These days I don't get the comments. I think I've surpassed the freakshow opinions of others on the sex of my kids and veered off into the land where they just look agog at the quantity.  


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#7 of 27 Old 01-19-2011, 03:12 AM
 
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Yay...welcome to the three boys club. I'm in the same boat!

At least in our extended family, there was the tendancy to hope for a girl (not by us, just others) because there are 8 boys and 1 girl. I figure they are slowly getting sick of gifting dinosaurs and diggers, haha! innocent.gif i feel like the whole darn mama thing is so miraculous i am ecstatic to welcome either a boy or a girl each time.

The only annoying comments i have gotten, interestingly, have been from two mamas each with one girl and one boy, and in both cases their girls are my worst nightmare! So bratty and bossy and dramatic...and i think to myself "you think i should mourn not being able to have THAT experience"? Not all the little girls we know are like that, but the ones whose mamas have commented are! Hmmm.

I ignore it all. Life with my boys is bliss. joy.gif

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#8 of 27 Old 01-19-2011, 06:47 AM
 
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i think you'll get idiotic comments regardless of baby's sex. people just like to say stupid things shrug.gif

we have a boy, and a girl and now we're having another girl and still.. i get, "oh wow, ANOTHER girl??" I mean, should I have been hoping/expecting some other type of sex for my baby? maybe a boy/girl mixture?? then again, i think most jerks can't believe i would actually consider having a third child. i live in an area of the country where having 2 just about classifies you as a LARGE family lol. more than 2 and you're starting to look like you belong in an episode of the duggars!

you could always just lie and say you don't know the sex


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#9 of 27 Old 01-19-2011, 01:15 PM
 
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We just found out baby #2 is a boy (our first was a girl). Yep, we've already got some "relieved" comments. Like, "Oh, thank goodness, you have provided an heir to the dynasty and your husband will no longer be tempted to chop your head off and take a younger wife". :p We were hoping for another girl! I'm perfectly happy to be having a boy, and DH is OK with it, but... I'm one of six girls. Everybody knows that. So why do they feel it's OK to evince such obvious relief and approval that I'm producing a male? It's essentially saying "Yes, the last five kids in your family must have been such a disappointment to your poor parents; thank goodness you escaped their terrible fate". Sigh.

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#10 of 27 Old 01-24-2011, 07:18 AM
 
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I have three boys ages 13, 10, and 7. My husband had a vasectomy after the third son was born. Fast forward almost 7 years, he had a vasectomy reversal and we got pregnant 2 weeks later!!! I was sure the whole time that I was going to be having a boy! I adore my boys! People constantly made asinine comments to me in front of them about how sorry they were for me because I had 3 boys, how I must be going insane having to deal with them, how I must feel so outnumbered at my house etc. etc. Anyone with more than 2 kids of the same sex knows exactly what I'm talking about! Now for the record, my boys have always been very well behaved, especially in public. They are respectful, polite, and obedient. So it wasn't like I was walking around with three hellions ripping each others clothes off and pulling my hair out, leaving chaos in their wake!

 

So when people told me things like that I always responded with "Why?" and a very dirty look! Then I would ask if they had any children of their own and say "Do you dislike your own children that much?"  I wouldn't trade my boys for a million girls! Or if they didn't have any kids and I was feeling particularly annoyed with them I would tell them that since they felt that way about my 3 well behaved kids that they should probably avoid having any of their own in the future! Since they obviously didn't have what it took to be a parent!

 

The comments only got worse after our baby girl was born! "Oh you must be so relieved to finally have a girl!" Or "Now you can finally stop having kids, now that you have your girl!" If I am feeling nice I'll explain that "No, when we had the vas reversal we were hoping for a few more boys and quite sure we'd get them! Having a girl completely shocked us!!" I am enjoying my little girl very much, but I would have been every bit as thrilled to have a boy!

 

Now that I am expecting baby number 5 the comments are "don't you know what causes that?" (Even my thirteen year old has chimed in with "Of course she knows what causes it, don't you?) Yes we do, and we're really good at it! Or "don't you have TV?" No actually we don't have a TV, we have much more fun things to do with our evenings after the kids are in bed, Thanks for asking!

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Originally Posted by Butterfly Ball View Post

Now that I am expecting baby number 5 the comments are "don't you know what causes that?" (Even my thirteen year old has chimed in with "Of course she knows what causes it, don't you?) Yes we do, and we're really good at it! Or "don't you have TV?" No actually we don't have a TV, we have much more fun things to do with our evenings after the kids are in bed, Thanks for asking!


I can't even begin to imagine why people think this is a witty response. It's been directed at me many times. 


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#12 of 27 Old 01-24-2011, 07:58 AM
 
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A friend of mine is having her sixth. Her best friend didn't even invite people from their church to the shower because they've been so nasty about her having another baby. Why is it their business? I don't get people..


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#13 of 27 Old 01-24-2011, 08:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the responses, mamas!  Honestly, I know why people make rude comments about boys -- there is a perception that girls are quieter, cleaner, neater, and easier to control.  I know that's what my MIL and mother think.  Of course they are from a different generation and have pretty definite opinions about children being "seen and not heard."  My boys are active, certainly moreso than I was as a child (but I think I was abnormally sedentary) and my older one is strong-willed (but so was I!) but they are also very sweet and loving.  For some reason it is considered acceptable to reduce babies and young children to their genitals when personality is so much more complex than that.  Before I had my boys, I probably would have said some of the same things, or at least thought them.  Live and learn, I guess.

 

As for having more than two or three kids -- yes, I would definitely expect to get pushback about that simply because  it is not the norm.  I personally love big families and always have, but I think most people have a prejudice against it.  I'm just surprised, on both topics, that people are so rude to our faces!  Weren't they ever taught any manners? 


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#14 of 27 Old 01-24-2011, 08:50 AM
 
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We are on our fourth daughter and before we knew the sex this time people assumed we wanted a boy.  My husband always says even before we were married he wanted four daughters and he got his long ago wish and is over the moon. People can't understand how he would want all girls since he is a "man".  He just laughs and says no one will ever love him like his daughters will and quite frankly he is right. I think it would have been neat to experience raising a boy just for something different but don't have that need to.  So we really were just hoping for a healthy baby regardless.  People were shocked when they found out because they all wanted us to have a boy because that was what they thought we should have.  Oh well, my daughter is getting married in 2 years so I will leave the boy thing up to her *LOL* I also wanted to add that our third baby was adopted and although we put in the agency for either sex, we happen to have gotten a choice as one of each was born at the same time that day and we did choose girl and people were surprised that we didn't pick the boy because we had two daughters.  This babe on the way however was definitely not planned since we have had infertility for the last 8 years so apparently girls is what we are meant to have joy.gif


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#15 of 27 Old 01-24-2011, 01:43 PM
 
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We have three girls and yes, the comments drive me insane.  Especially because they all look alike and are fairly close in age (5, almost 3, 17mo)  Now that we are expecting our fourth, the comments are worse (is it FINALLY going to be a boy?  Aren't you sick of girls  yet?)
Honestly, I just brush them off. It's none of their business anyway.


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#16 of 27 Old 01-25-2011, 12:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Why do people say stupid things about the sex of a new baby?  Why, why, why? 

 

LOL, because they're stupid!

 

I want 3 boys. I think that sounds like a blast! Hopefully I'm cookin' up a second one right now! (happy good vibes)

 

But actually? It's probably just because "people" (general Them, you know, the public/ society at large) are just weird about women's bodies and pregnancy, and especially breastfeeding. So they don't know what to say to you/ us or why they feel the need to say something. Not like I know so much, but it's a theory that works for me!

 

So you could be boldly educational as PP have suggested, "Why do you think that?", or privately scientific. "Five weird comments this week so far - tied for the record!"

 

Good luck! Good vibes!


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#17 of 27 Old 01-25-2011, 04:43 PM
 
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I have two boys and pregnant with number 3. everyone is rooting for a girl... honeslty as much as i'd love a little girl and all that it comes with. I kinda prefer to have a boy. i have boy stuff i know how do deal with boys. I don't know what we are having we'll see in a few weeks when baby is born.

 

but yes lots of comments of hope it a girl.. sending you girl vibe and all that stuff....


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#18 of 27 Old 01-25-2011, 06:57 PM
 
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I had 2 girls and then a boy, we never find out the gender so the entire pg I got the "trying for a boy" comments. Actually no, I tried for a baby. eyesroll.gif I didn't care what the baby was, and part of me was just thinking it was another girl and then it was born and had a penis! A whole new world to me, and honestly it threw me more then i thought it would. so then we got the "you got your boy" comments. I'm pg with #4 and haven't announced it, it is getting obvious but frankly I am not up for the stupid comments yet. Since we do have both genders I'm guessing this go around, people will focus on the fact we have too many children for their liking. 


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#19 of 27 Old 01-25-2011, 10:08 PM
 
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I totally get this, I had 3 boys and constantly got rude comments.  #4 was a girl, and then everyone's comments pissed me off more "finally got your girl huh?"  "now you are done, you got your girl!"

 

Do what I did to shut them up.... have #5, and make sure it is a boy.  ;)

 

No advice, people are stupid.  Oh, and gender comments are now replaced with "you know what causes that, right?" to which hubby usually responds "yes, and I am REALLY good at it, why, do you need me to explain it to you?"


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#20 of 27 Old 01-26-2011, 07:24 AM
 
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When people make stupid comments about my baby's gender, I always blink solemnly at them and say politely, "My child will be free to be whichever gender he or she chooses."  That usually shuts them down. 


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#21 of 27 Old 01-26-2011, 09:29 AM
 
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I only have 1 girl & I'm already getting those comments when I tell them I'm not finding out the sex of this baby.  "Let's hope it's a boy so then you can be done!".  Ummm ok.... did I miss the memo that says 1 boy + 1 girl makes a complete set???

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#22 of 27 Old 01-26-2011, 09:45 AM
 
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I have one girl and not pregnant and I'm already getting worried about this.  And honestly? I want another girl!  My husband only wants two kids so that means if we both get our way and no minds are changed, we will have two girls and my husband will be the only male in the house including our pets!  We'd both love a boy and I'd love for him to want three kids (I want two girls and then a boy, he just wants two kids gender unspecified) but this concept of needing both genders or not too many of the same in a row or even not too many period is weird to me.  as pp set, 1 boy and 1 girl doesn't necessarily complete a set.

 

I wonder if any big families (I'm thinking more than 6 kids, although more than 3 is big to me too hehe) had all of one gender.  Can you imagine the comments someone with 10 boys or 10 girls would get?  lawsie.

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#23 of 27 Old 01-26-2011, 10:07 AM
 
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This is what I'm dreading most about this (unexpected) pregnancy. We were done at our 2 boys, and already had gone through the "hope it's a girl!" comments with our second. In my extended family, there has been ONE girl born (the oldest) and TEN boys between my brothers/cousin and I. Everyone wants another girl, and each boy that comes along is somehow not as exciting as a girl would be. It drives me crazy.

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#24 of 27 Old 01-26-2011, 05:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by msmiranda View Post

I'm offended for myself and I'm offended on behalf of my poor third son because apparently he's so uninteresting and disappointing because my other two children also have penises ... as if he's not a unique human being because of the sex of my first two kids.

 


If you respond with this statement then I'm positive it will not only shut them up but it will also make them use their brains (and maybe their hearts) thumb.gif

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#25 of 27 Old 01-27-2011, 11:11 AM
 
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We only have DS and I've gotten so many comments about 'you want a girl' (Oh and MIL declaration it WILL be a girl) honestly...I couldn't care less before. I like boys and girls are nice to. Whatever God gives. shrug.gif

 

Now I almost want this to be boy just to tell people to suck it.

 

We also got a lot of comments when DS was born, "I bet you Dh was happy he got his boy" Um..no he actually really wanted a girl. Not that he doesn't love DS and wasn't thrilled, but he had an honest preference and mine was to have a boy, now that I've pasted on my grandfathers name I don't really care either way...Dh wants a girl eventually.


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#26 of 27 Old 01-29-2011, 07:28 PM
 
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I have to admit that I chose an ethically dubious route when PG with my 3rd son:  my husband and I knew he was a boy but we chose to tell people we were having a delivery surprise.  I couldn't deal with the comments within both of our families so chose a little bit of self-preservation.  So I waited until he was here in all his newborn adorable glory and the FACT of him helped defuse the disappointment.

 

I haven't gotten many negative comments from total strangers except for the "Are you going to try for a girl?" thing which is a question that I can handle easily by saying, "No." (which means something different to them than it does to me!)  :)  We are more likely to meet older ladies who say, "Oh, I had three boys!  Isn't it WONDERFUL?"  Our families, OTOH ... so irritating.  I have a long, long history of loss, including a baby girl stillborn due to fetal hydrops, so shouldn't these people supposedly closest to us understand that we could care less what gender a new baby is?  We just want to meet our baby!  I had to tell my mom to buy pink clothes and donate them to a foster care organization if she was that itchy for pink.  Grrr.


Jen, momma to 3 boys, ages 11, 8, and 5.  Sadly missing our little lost babes.

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#27 of 27 Old 01-30-2011, 01:38 PM
 
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You get stupid combination no matter the combination or order of the sexes. The smug "now you have one of each" like that means you're done or something is quite as annoying as, "all girls? Really?" I'm one of all-girls, at least I was until I was 30 and mom and stepdad got lil foster bro (soon to be just plain lil bro because they're adopting him--and his 1 yr younger biosis, it's not like they want him specifically because he's a boy. Unlike his biodad, but that's a whole other rant).

 

Some people do have preferences or visualize some sort of ideal. Me, I want at least 4 kids and don't give a flying flip what their sex or gender is..


breastfeeding, babywearing, homeschooling Heathen parent to my little Wanderer, 7 1/2 , and baby Elf-stone, 3/11!

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