Can't decide whether I want to know - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 01-25-2011, 07:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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if it's a boy or girl!

 

This is my first pregnancy, and I always thought I wouldn't want to know.  Now, we're at the week of the ultrasound (it's happening on thursday) and I have just been flip-flopping all pregnancy.

 

My husband would choose to know, but he knows I've always planned to not know, so he's just happily gone along with that. 

 

Two of our closest friends just had babies this week, and they're both boys.   I have an inclination that we're having a boy.  I'm psyched that if we have a boy, he'll have these life-long friends.

 

But I always thought I'd have a girl first, and my mom's line is just a strong line of women.   I'm a little sad at the possibility of never having a girl.  

 

 

I have nieces and nephews, and I really love them all.   Each one is SO cute!   The girl and I are really close, but the boys just melt my heart, especially when they cuddle with me.   I'd really be ecstatic with either, but I'm trying to figure out if it's going to drive me crazy to not know until July.

 

Any advice?  thursday morning is fast approaching, and I want to be firmly resolved by then irked.gif

 

Thanks in advance

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#2 of 14 Old 01-25-2011, 03:11 PM
 
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ultimately, it's your (and your partner's) decision but i look at it this way: do i want to know what my Christmas gifts are ahead of time and not regret having peeked once Christmas rolls around?

sounds cheesy, i know but that's what works for me.

personally, i don't want to know (this is #3 and i haven't found out with any of them); i need some incentive to get through the birth and finding out if baby is a boy or girl sounds like pretty good incentive to me!


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#3 of 14 Old 01-25-2011, 03:28 PM
 
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I agree that it's a personal decision.

 

For me, with my first, I was compelled to find out. I have a ton of generous people in my life who gave us a lot, and I had a blast registering and doing everything up for my girl. I'm not big on gender neutral stuff (except the stroller and car seat), so it was the right decision for me and I don't regret it.

 

We also found out with my second, who turned out to be a boy. The fact that all of our clothes, towels, blankets, etc wasn't a big deal, because people came through with gifts once again (and hand-me-downs). 

 

I had always felt like I wanted to see what it was like both ways, though, and so we've chosen to keep it a birth surprise with #3. I"m 38 weeks and have stayed strong. I'm excited to find out and hope the moment is worth all the (unnecessary, optional) waiting!

 

I haven't felt like it's made a bonding difference.


Laura, married to Daniel 12/16/2000
Claire b. 6/29/06 and Andrew b. 4/20/08 and #3 due 2/8/11!!
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#4 of 14 Old 01-25-2011, 03:30 PM
 
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In my experience, it's the unusual woman in the (developed) world today who chooses to wait. Be a rebel! I always wanted to find out on the day my baby was born, not before. ITA with the present analagy above. To me, this was the one period of time in my child's life when I (and everyone else) would think of it without the overshadowing of gender. For now, that baby was just a baby. I liked that.

I never regretted not finding out the gender ahead of time. I don't think you will, either.
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#5 of 14 Old 01-25-2011, 05:30 PM
 
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Hi FertileMyrtle!

In terms of how you and your DH feel, it sounds exactly the same as we felt--he wanted to know, but was willing to wait because I always thought I wanted to wait.

 

You don't HAVE to decide by Thursday. We asked our doctor to write it in a card for us, so we could find out later (I still didn't feel ready to know at 20 weeks) and that way make more of a special occasion of it. DH hid the card because he has better willpower than I do.

 

That was almost two months ago, and we still haven't looked at the card. I am curious, definitely, but I've actually found as the baby has made itself more known, with stronger kicks and a bigger belly, the pregnancy has felt more real and my curiosity has waned somewhat. I'm comfortable knowing the baby as a sexless being for now (though if I HAD to guess, I might say boy, only because the doctor seemed to determine the sex pretty quickly--but really, I have no instinct either way).

 

Everyone I know who has waited has said it was an amazing experience to find out at the end. I try to keep that in mind every time I'm curious. Sure, it would be special to find out now, but if we do open the card, we can't undo it, and I know I'll always wonder what it would have been like to wait. Plus, ultrasounds can be wrong--my cousin had three techs tell her she was having a girl, and nope. Now she's done with kids, and still mourns the daughter she never had. She had bonded to the idea of a girl in utero and so that was a whole other thing to process when she met her son.

 

So you can see I'm in favor of waiting, but there are other people to whom it was really important to know ahead of time. But I do suggest the card idea to buy yourself some more time if you feel you need it--20 weeks is still early in a pregnancy to find out such significant identifying information (in my case, I had so few symptoms I was still having trouble feeling pregnant at all, and finding out the sex then felt like jumping the gun).


Fiction writer by training, writer/editor of anything anyone will hire me for by trade. Me + D=my girls E (4/2011) and little N, 1/2014.

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#6 of 14 Old 01-26-2011, 04:44 AM
 
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I too suggest having it written down this way you can decide at your own pace.

 

I've never had a wrong sex reading, FWIW. 


Boys: 12/94, 1/99, 11/03, 6/11. Girls: 11/06, 10/09, 12/12 2ndtri.gif

 
       

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#7 of 14 Old 01-26-2011, 09:37 AM
 
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 If it's your 20 week ultrasound, don't look at the screen. Sometimes the gender is obvious.

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#8 of 14 Old 01-26-2011, 10:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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THANK YOU thank you everyone!

 

For whatever reason, deep inside I want to know.  So, we're finding out tomorrow.  I think the angst I was feeling comes from this long-held notion that it's "cooler" to wait somehow.   There's more valor in it, or something.   But, really, when I examined myself, I want to know.  I don't want to have to look away for any moment of the ultrasound.   I will ask the sonographer how certain s/he is, and have a good idea how likely it is that we have been told correctly. 

 

It's funny - maybe I agonized over this decision so that I wouldn't worry about anything else showing up on the screen.   I haven't thought about all that at all.  Which is really nice!

 

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#9 of 14 Old 01-26-2011, 11:14 AM
 
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COngrats on your decision, and have fun at your ultrasound tomorrow!


Fiction writer by training, writer/editor of anything anyone will hire me for by trade. Me + D=my girls E (4/2011) and little N, 1/2014.

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#10 of 14 Old 01-26-2011, 11:36 AM
 
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I'm the same with wanting to know. I agonised over the decision this time around because my SO wanted a surprise. It ultimately came down to my choice, my needs. I'm happy to have found out even though, on some level, I wish I could be the sort of person who found surprises fun rather than painfully pointless. 


Boys: 12/94, 1/99, 11/03, 6/11. Girls: 11/06, 10/09, 12/12 2ndtri.gif

 
       

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#11 of 14 Old 01-26-2011, 12:10 PM
 
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I found out & have absolutely no regrets. It helps all of us adjust to the idea of having another boy in the house, especially my 6yo son. The personality and temperament of the kid will be the real surprise, anyway!

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#12 of 14 Old 01-30-2011, 05:12 PM
 
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So...What're you having?!


Fiction writer by training, writer/editor of anything anyone will hire me for by trade. Me + D=my girls E (4/2011) and little N, 1/2014.

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#13 of 14 Old 02-01-2011, 07:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So, after I decided I wanted to know, DH decided he really didn't.   He has gotten really excited about catching the baby and telling everyone if it's a boy or girl.   Plus, he's enjoying sticking it to people who don't get not finding out (people can be really rude about it!).  

 

So, we asked the sonographer to write it down and seal it in an envelope.  We'd decide together on our own time, in a romantic way, if we wanted to open it or throw it away.  

 

The stinker had other ideas -- totally not able to see the parts!!   S/he was all tucked up, and the sonographer couldn't even get some of the necessary anatomy shots of the heart, etc.

 

So, we're going back this week, but I think we've decided to just wait until the grand finale in the summer to find out.    I have NO CLUE who this is inside, and though it might drive me crazy, and I probably would have opted to know, there's enough ambivalence that we'll just leave it a mystery until then.

 

Anyway... THANK YOU all!!  It was helpful to share and to read.   It is what it is already -- that's kind of comforting for me to know :)  

 

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#14 of 14 Old 02-01-2011, 07:56 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fertilemyrtle View Post

So, after I decided I wanted to know, DH decided he really didn't.   He has gotten really excited about catching the baby and telling everyone if it's a boy or girl.   Plus, he's enjoying sticking it to people who don't get not finding out (people can be really rude about it!).  

 

So, we asked the sonographer to write it down and seal it in an envelope.  We'd decide together on our own time, in a romantic way, if we wanted to open it or throw it away.  

 

The stinker had other ideas -- totally not able to see the parts!!   S/he was all tucked up, and the sonographer couldn't even get some of the necessary anatomy shots of the heart, etc.

 

So, we're going back this week, but I think we've decided to just wait until the grand finale in the summer to find out.    I have NO CLUE who this is inside, and though it might drive me crazy, and I probably would have opted to know, there's enough ambivalence that we'll just leave it a mystery until then.

 

Anyway... THANK YOU all!!  It was helpful to share and to read.   It is what it is already -- that's kind of comforting for me to know :)  

 



 With our first my DH was adamant that he did not want to know, and because he felt so strongly about not finding out and I was on the fence we opted to not find out. I will always treasure the momen that my DH told me we had a daughter. We have again opted to not find out and I'm looking forward to sharing the moment with my DH.


wife of 8 years to DH geek.gif, mama to DD blahblah.gif (2006) & DS jog.gif (2011) angel1.gif (Dec. 2012) rainbow1284.gif due Nov. 2013 

 vbac.gifh20homebirth.gif cd.gif homeschool.gif

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