Telling the in-laws, and not looking forward to it. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 16 Old 08-01-2011, 09:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I know some may ask why we are telling anyone this early ( I am only about five weeks) but most of our friends are figuring it out ( You're STILL sick? Wow, you're looking 'full' lately!) and it won't be long until everyone knows. My in-laws are VERY involved with my sil and her family, I have posted before about all of that, and we have been having a hard time nailing down a day to go and visit them to tell them the good news. I should be excited about this right? This baby is planned and we are stable and VERY happy. I can't seem to feel anything about telling them except dread. My fil's feelings about our life and me being a sahm mom have never been supportive or even unbiased. When dh mentioned to his Mother a few months ago that we were going to be trying soon, she was really only interested in the fact that I don't work and that we don't have heaps and heaps of money. I really don't think I can handle a lecture when we tell them the good news. And it IS good news. My first pregnancy, no one in my family was happy with me. I was 23, single, and might as well have been 16 for the way everyone treated me. This time a round I am happy and stable and it is fun for me to tell my loved ones about this baby. I really do think I may explode if fil says anything about our finances. I wish I didn't care about it, but I can really see a negative reaction as being a deal breaker for me. Dh and I, and dd, are already chopped liver compared to sil and her family and if I am going to be treated like an idiot continuously by fil I serious don't want to have anything to do with him during my pregnancy. I've been practicing things to say in case things go wrong, but not really coming up with anything but snarky nasty comments, lol. Has anyone dealt with something like this before?


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#2 of 16 Old 08-01-2011, 09:57 AM
 
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Congratulations on your pregnancy!  joy.gif

 

I haven't dealt with inlaws like that before.  How annoying for you!  Seriously.

 

I do have an opinion though. :)  Do your best to let your happiness SHINE when you tell your inlaws.  They may surprise you with their warmth and excitement.  

 

And if they disappoint you, just...leave.  Politely, and with grace, tell them you look forward to visiting them again when the news has sunk in and they can discuss the pregnancy for what it is - a blessed, joyous event!  

 

(That's what I would try to do - I'd probably have the snark ready to go...but keeping up familial relations is really the best way, IMO.)  ;)

 

Good luck to you!


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#3 of 16 Old 08-01-2011, 10:21 AM
 
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I'll let you know next week when the in-laws come for a visitwinky.gif Although we've already told them over the phone it will be the first face to face. I completely understand the finances comments, fil was not at all impressed when he heard sahm. We do fine, but it seems very hard for them to understand that we can live a full, happy life on one income. It sounds like you are expecting a comment about money and I am too, I'm just thinking of playing hard to hear. Confronting them just will create more stress and drama and I am trying to keep low stress. I think if they say something about money we'll just go with the generic we're doing fine, we're prepared for the expense....yada yada yada. If they get pushy then we'll try the whole that's all we want to discuss about this topic. I think we've found that trying to deflect criticism is the best idea, you can't force people to be happy for you or even react politely, you can only control your reaction to them.

 

SIL has already made a snarky comment about the pregnancy which we're trying to decide what to do about. We see her the weekend after next and have decided that if she makes any more rude comments then she gets one warning after which we will simply get up and leave.

 

There's no reason to surround yourself with negative people so I would just try to keep visits short and polite until you can see how people react. If everyone is happy, then great, you can spend more time together. If they are only negative then shorter visits.


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#4 of 16 Old 08-01-2011, 12:05 PM
 
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I'm always perplexed as to why families need to even sat anything. Ugh. Unless they are supporting you, why do they care? Maybe because my family & DH's family are so on the other end of saying nothing?

Screw them. You're happy!

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#5 of 16 Old 08-01-2011, 12:13 PM
 
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My MIL's response that we were pregnant again after a miscarriage was "oh." Seriously? The in-laws and their extended family were great before we had kids. Then everyone got all weird and possessive of our daughter. We had to step back and see them on our terms, and now I don't think they know how to act normally. Sometimes you win the in-law lotto, sometimes you get duds. If they can't be supportive, you don't need them stressing you out.


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#6 of 16 Old 08-01-2011, 01:02 PM
 
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You are not alone in this. I told my dad over the phone (he lives across the ocean from us), but it was up to my husband to decide when to tell his parents/family (who live 5 hours away).

 

We would have told them all in person next month when we were there, as it would be obvious by then (20+ weeks). Anyway, they just showed up here a couple of weeks ago without telling us beforehand (yeah, so polite), his mother thought I looked pregnant (~14 weeks then) and asked. When we confirmed, the response was anger that we had not told them before. No congratulations, no mention of how great this was, nothing. Then it launched into a discussion of how horrible we are compared to his brother's family. Lovely.

 

There was no mention of financial (we are doing well, and I don't think they'd dare say anything as they owe us 15k), but everything else was hit on. We are apparently horrible in every conceivable way.

 

Some people are just bitter/angry and will be upset no matter what you say/do. I am just concentrating on how happy we are (we struggled for over a year to get pregnant, so this baby is very much wanted!) and forgetting about them.


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#7 of 16 Old 08-01-2011, 01:40 PM
 
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You arent alone. I am 14 weeks now and my MIL still has not acknowledge the pregnancy in anyway (not even in talking about SIL going abroad on the week the baby is due...no mention of the baby whatsoever). She was upset when DH told her, and she hasnt ever said ANYting supportive about it. Her loss. Not mine. She is missing out on the fun.

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#8 of 16 Old 08-02-2011, 10:17 AM
 
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Finances are generally no one's business but yours - but I understand where you are coming from. We've had to move in with my IL's due to financial issues (on both ends) and generally I get the impression from my MIL that this new baby is more of a burden than a blessing, which is sad, because I know she ADORES our son, and I am just saddened/grieved/whatever that this baby very well may not get the same emotionally overabundant adoration that our oldest currently gets. She and I are the only ones in the household that bring in a regular income, so it's tough . . .

 

I agree w/ PP that just let the happiness you (and your DH) are feeling show through and maybe try to bring up the positives of SAHM - isn't it great not to have daycare bills! If you are breastfeeding and cloth diapering (or even just one of the two) both are easier to manage if you SAH - and save money! But totally don't feel bad about cutting the negative out especially during your prengnacy and right after the birth. you need all the ++++ vibes you can get for both.


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#9 of 16 Old 08-10-2011, 08:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much for the advice everyone! It turns out I was more worried than I needed to be. We met my in-laws for lunch the other day and told them, and they were thrilled! So, at least for now I don't have to worry about any talk of our finances. 


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#10 of 16 Old 08-10-2011, 11:49 AM
 
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Sweet relief!


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#11 of 16 Old 08-10-2011, 07:52 PM
 
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So glad things turned out well!!!  Telling family (whether your own or in-laws) can be a tricky thing!

 

My dad (who I told yesterday) was happy and said congrats and all... but had to add, "I wish you'd send the kids to public school."  As if that had ANYTHING to do with me being pregnant.  He did acknowledge as such, but it's still irritating.  Save it for another moment.  But.. I knew he'd say that... I told dh that and he thought I was crazy (to think somebody would bring up something so irrelevant).


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#12 of 16 Old 08-11-2011, 08:06 PM
 
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Do you think you feel this way because of your previous pregnancy & the reaction you got? Deep seated worry about pleasing them even if just on a non-conscious level?


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#13 of 16 Old 08-12-2011, 05:10 AM
 
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I have no reason to be apprehensive about telling parents and PILs, but I am anyway. No direct reason, but I think somehow I'm worried about how our relationships will change, for good or for bad.

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#14 of 16 Old 08-12-2011, 07:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hesperia View Post

Do you think you feel this way because of your previous pregnancy & the reaction you got? Deep seated worry about pleasing them even if just on a non-conscious level?


Ease exhaust any typos, set from my itouch.


MAybe a little, but also because fil offered to give us money for xmas this year as a present and at the last minute tried to get dh to agree to force me into working a job in order to get the money. He also ALWAYS tries to find things for me to do, even when he gets spam email about work at home jobs he sends them to me. It always ends up coming up when I see him and he does a lot of comparing me to sil who works so much that he ds is almost always at the in-laws house for babysitting.

Hopefully he has stopped now, but I am prepared ( partly out of hormones, lol) to put it to rest once and for all if it is brought up again.

 


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#15 of 16 Old 08-13-2011, 03:34 PM
 
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this time around I am not on speaking terms with my MIL but DH still talks to them, he went to his moms house and told her, and as expected she was not happy. DH wisely did not tell me what she said. Basically, go have your dh tell them without you. No reason to get stressed and pissed at idiots. You two are happy and that's all that mattes. Good luck! (and screw the idiots)


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#16 of 16 Old 08-13-2011, 03:40 PM
 
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sorry, should have read through the thread first, so glad your in-laws were excited.

 

and your finances situation made me realize why my hubs came home and said he wished I could make money somehow RIGHT after visiting his mom.


Courtney and Cree, baby made 3, added one more then there were 4, sakes alive, then we had 5, another in the mix now we have 6!

A Momma in love with her Little Women-Jewel Face, Jo Jo Bean, June Bug, and Sweet Coraline.

 

 

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