I have managed to put on a good face for most people- I save being real, petty, and just letting go, for here.
Pregnancy and I don't get along. I don't want to be pregnant. This is kid #2 for me, and the unknown of number one isn't here for me to be all interested in. I feel more like it's a job. I'm trying to get things right that weren't last time. Using what I learned to make this more tollerable (thank god for mint!).
I'm not stressed. I won't let myself be. But I'm not that "Woo-hoo!!!!" all my friends seem to be whenever they are having a baby... then again, I'm not that close to them, so if they were cranky about it, I don't think they'd tell me.
I would like to be happy. I would like to be excited. I can't seem to muster it. I think I just want that to be okay. I want to know that it's alright to be disenchanted with growing a baby, and that it's all going to be okay. I mean, it isn't like I don't want the baby- I do. If I didn't, I would have done a better job at using my birth control.
I am looking forward to mothering. So, I don't think it's a big problem...
There's just so much going on and this might ruin my chances of getting work after I graduate - people aren't likely to hire pregnant women, they're going to need to leave soon, garunteed! And we were kinda counting on me getting work to help us have the money we need for a home loan. I'm one quarter from my AA, and here I am pregnant... I feel dumb, but at the same time, I was just telling Hubby that if we were going to have another, we should get crackin' 'cause I didn't want DD to be too much older than them.
Everyone reacts to pregnancy differently. Life circumstances have a lot to do with that, and it looks to me like you're just adjusting to the change. On top of the normal hormones (which for me lately have made everything seem monsterous and sad, more so than normal), and the not feeling good part of finding out you're pregnant, it is understandable to not be dancing on the tables happy right now. Hang in there and give yourself time to adjust to the change.
Some people just don't react well to pregnancy. My mom admitted that she felt pretty distant from all three of her pregnancies - she thinks she had low-level depression pretty much the whole time. She knew she should be excited, but she just wasn't. As soon as my sister, brother, and I popped out, of course, she loved it. So don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you have some life stress that you'll have to work through as well as possibly just a body that doesn't react well to the hormone-brew surging inside of you. That's nothing to feel bad about at all. Just do what you can to be healthy and hopefully the pregnancy goes by quickly.
Thank you both- my Mom loved being pregnant, or at least that's what she says. I remember being okay during the second trimester- I think I was just so relieved to feel like ME again. Then, I was unemployeed with the occassional step-son at home. Now we have full custody, I have a toddler, and I am a student... I just want to sleep all day, and I can't do it! My house is falling apart, and my finals are due this week, and I think I'm going to fall apart.
I just got done sternly talking to my 2.5 yo about saying please along with what she wants, and getting mad when she mumbled... now she's off playing on her own and yelling at toys, "I can't hear you!"
I'm just glad she doesn't sound angry while imitating me... Thank god for small victories. I love her so much, and I know I'll love this next one too. I'm just not feeling it. Maybe I'll talk to my doctor about depression.
Also, Congrats Lily on your first! I can definately say being a Mom is awesome- I like that part a lot.
Just wanted to chime in - It took me a long while to really warm up to this pregnancy, even though both DH and I are very excited to be having a baby. I think I had some depression, and life circumstances are not always easy while pregnant (DH was laid off, had to put a dog down, family drama, not ideal). I also found the expectations of people IRL that I should be excited made it even harder for me to get excited - I felt guilty for not being excited, I think. Now I'm in third trimester, spring has sprung very early, and I'm finally feeling really good and really excited. You're definitely not alone. Also, I have a friend who has pretty bad depression in her first trimester - I'm starting to think it's pretty common, but never spoken about.
Thanks, GoodNames! We're really excited. I'll say too that during the first trimester I had some serious doubts (even though we had been actively trying and were in a really good place to have a baby) and when I was feeling sick and overwhelmed I couldn't understand how people would do this more than once. Now that I've hit the second tri I'm really excited. So I agree with Faith's point above that first trimester depression/anxiety/fear is probably a lot more common than people realize.
I think it's completely and totally normal - you have two other kids in the house (one a toddler!) and you are stressed about so many other things. You have a ton on your plate! Do something for you, talk a walk, read a book, something fun! Even just for 10 minutes. You may find that time gives you a minute to get in touch with the kid in your belly - or you might not. Either way, it will give you a much needed break, Mama! And that helps everything.
Also, what can you do about tackling the financial problems? Can you come up with a Plan B with DH, that you both agree on, about putting off the home loan, if necessary, until you can find work? Or maybe practice doing some mock interviews and figure out what you'll want to say about needing mat leave (could you offer to help train a replacement, or help in some small way from home? Or just practice emphasizing why you are worth it - skills, etc.- as a candidate?)? I don't know what your current day care situation is with DD, but is it possible for you to work from home or look for part time work for a bit? Also, a bit of volunteer work, especially related to your career field, could help boost your resume while you are waiting to find a job. Any of these things might make you feel more prepared and in control.
I think if you can come up with some alternatives and a game plan for how to deal with the uncertainty, it will really help you out alot. You could even put the options down on paper with DH to make sure you are on the same page. Do you have any career resources at your school that could help you out with this? Honestly, the juggling act you are currently pulling off would make you a valuable employee anywhere, IMHO!!! Anyway, these are just a few ideas that popped into my head...hang in there!