At odds with my DH for baby #3 - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 20 Old 06-06-2012, 11:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am 10 weeks pregnant with my third child. I have a 4 yr old son and a 21mo old daughter. My DH and I have been having a rough couple of years (according to him, during our arguments). Its been a difficult adjustment to having kids and finding time for us as well. We were just starting to get back to good and then I got pregnant. I was not thrilled about being pregnant right now, I want another baby but it just felt too soon. DH was excited at first, way more than I was. I started spotting around week 5 for almost a whole week, but it was so light, less than an ounce or two lost total. During that time, I was really sad to think about losing this little baby I had just started to think about having in my life. The bleeding stopped and other early, first trimester symptoms have manifested - like (all day) morning sickness, and so I have hope that things are still progressing as they should.  I told our family and a few really close friends already, once I started to feel more secure in this pregnancy. If I miscarried, they would be helpful for support.

 

 But for the last few weeks DH keeps bringing up the topic of abortion - guys at work that have done it and said it was the best thing they did, one who gave his wife the abortion pills without her knowing and that led to a miscarriage, that there is still time to get an abortion, etc. It really breaks my heart, and since I am not feeling 100% happy about this pregnancy, it just makes me depressed and I feel alone. He also now tells me he was done having kids at 2; but he never had that convo with me prior to getting pregnant this time. Fine time to tell me.

 

A lot of it could be emotional from being pregnant. But what do I do? How much does the father's choice matter in having a baby? How can I decide to carry this baby, knowing it could mean the end of my marriage? How do I decide to stop this baby from being born, to honor DH's choice? I am pro-choice and have talked about the hypothetical possibility of getting an abortion with DH very early in our relationship (we've been together 14 yrs, since HS). But it doesn't seem like the right option for me at this point, with this baby. I've told him this when he's brought up abortion. So now, if I complain about feeling sick or being super tired, he just says 'Well, there's an easy solution to that, isn't there. Shmsmortion (abortion).' How horrible is that? 

 

I just needed a space to be with this. Not sure that there is anything that can help, but just being able to put outside of my head helps.

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#2 of 20 Old 06-06-2012, 11:12 AM
 
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Wow. Your husband's behaviour is incredibly self-absorbed, immature, and abhorrent. If he was done with two why no vasectomy? Did the condom break? If I were to choose between my third child and a disturbing, unsupportive partner I'd choose my child in a moment.

The choice to make another child ended for my SO when he took no measure to prevent and ejaculated. I'm in my 11th week with a gorgeously formed fetus. The abortion option is not on the table. The end. Honestly, I'd flip out if I were treated the way you're being treated. It's not ok. It's beyond an empathetic discussion and sharing feeling with a goal for common ground and, in my opinion, abusive.      

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#3 of 20 Old 06-06-2012, 12:00 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you're dealing with this in the midst of all the other challenges that come with early pregnancy (especially surprise ones.) Does he know how you're feeling now? It sounds like you, too, were unsure in the beginning, but after the possibility of miscarriage, it clarified some things for you about wanting this child. I know it's tough to find some time to talk, especially with other little ones in the house, but maybe a really frank, possibly lengthy conversation about where you both stand now could help? My DH can be shockingly insensitive at times, and doesn't really mean it, he's just dealing with his own issues that he has difficulty talking about constructively.

Please be gentle with yourself.


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#4 of 20 Old 06-06-2012, 03:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kawa kamuri View Post

Wow. Your husband's behaviour is incredibly self-absorbed, immature, and abhorrent. If he was done with two why no vasectomy? Did the condom break? If I were to choose between my third child and a disturbing, unsupportive partner I'd choose my child in a moment.

The choice to make another child ended for my SO when he took no measure to prevent and ejaculated. I'm in my 11th week with a gorgeously formed fetus. The abortion option is not on the table. The end. Honestly, I'd flip out if I were treated the way you're being treated. It's not ok. It's beyond an empathetic discussion and sharing feeling with a goal for common ground and, in my opinion, abusive.      

This. A hundred times over.

In addition, I would be pretty freaked out by him saying that someone at work fed his unsuspecting wife abortion pills that caused her to lose her baby...I am so sorry that you are going through something so painful, and hope that peace and serenity find you mama. I also pray that somewhere inside of your DH is someone far more humane than the person he is presently channeling, because in my opinion, he is definitely behaving in an abusive manner.


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#5 of 20 Old 06-06-2012, 03:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kawa kamuri View Post

Wow. Your husband's behaviour is incredibly self-absorbed, immature, and abhorrent. If he was done with two why no vasectomy? Did the condom break? If I were to choose between my third child and a disturbing, unsupportive partner I'd choose my child in a moment.

The choice to make another child ended for my SO when he took no measure to prevent and ejaculated. I'm in my 11th week with a gorgeously formed fetus. The abortion option is not on the table. The end. Honestly, I'd flip out if I were treated the way you're being treated. It's not ok. It's beyond an empathetic discussion and sharing feeling with a goal for common ground and, in my opinion, abusive.      

Agreed except I have a much more colorful vocabulary I would use to describe your husband's behaviour. I am very sorry you're going through this.

 

 


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#6 of 20 Old 06-06-2012, 03:45 PM
 
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Big, big hugs from me. My fourth kid was unplanned, very similar spacing to your's except that I had an older one as well. We had been coming out of a rocky period that often happens with zero couple time and multiple children. My DH also asked me to not to continue the pg, I never considered it for a minute. My reasoning then and still is that while I am pro-choice, that was not choice I was prepared to make when I could provide for a child. I also felt that I would never forgive Dh for essentially making me choose him over a child. So no, he did not get a vote. That ship sailed when we had unprotected sex even though we thought it was "safe" then. A fourth child with the spacing we had and everything we had going on then (I have several kids with some special needs) was not my plan either, but things happen. Time to be an adult and deal with it. 

 

The pg was horrid, beyond horrid. Like you mentioned, I could not complain about how tired I was, nothing. I felt 100% unsupported the entire time, because I was. We barely spoke the entire time. That baby is almost 1 now, and things have slowly improved. DH does not hold it against the baby. I still have not forgiven him, that is going to take more time on my part. I feel his actions and behavior are and were completely inexcusable  for a partner who I had been together with for a decade and had several children with already. Was it worth it? Yes. I would rather my marriage fail over knowing that I did everything right by my children and partner no matter how stupid he is acting, then to give in to his childish demands. I know that deep in my heart, I could never have forgiven myself if I had chosen not to continue the pg. DS2 is not an easy baby, he screamed for months, is a very high needs baby. The pg was just a precursor to how life with him is like but I look at his little devilish grin and while things would of been so much easier if he was not here, I am glad that he is. 


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#7 of 20 Old 06-07-2012, 09:50 AM
 
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Wow. Your husband's behaviour is incredibly self-absorbed, immature, and abhorrent. If he was done with two why no vasectomy? Did the condom break? If I were to choose between my third child and a disturbing, unsupportive partner I'd choose my child in a moment.

 

this very well may be the case but sometimes no amount of magic fairy dust will change some people.... now or even after the birth-NOT say 100% everyone is different

 

having seen a marriage fall apart this way (and I do feel for you) I suggest that you look at the larger picture- if things do fail, can you do it without him?

 

In the end can you mother all the children? 

 

It suck one someone is non-supportive but bottom line it will really all primarily fall onto you-you alone will know the true answer.

It may take you time or you may quickly come to the peace in your decision.

I too am very sorry you are in this position.

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#8 of 20 Old 06-07-2012, 12:31 PM
 
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this very well may be the case but sometimes no amount of magic fairy dust will change some people.... now or even after the birth-NOT say 100% everyone is different

 

 

I'm unable to see where I mentioned magic anything let alone fairy dust. WHAT? shrug.gif I'd assume that a man who isn't livid at the thought of a pregnant woman being drugged against her will is not the sort who is likely to change. Naturally, I don't know the OP's husband.  


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#9 of 20 Old 06-07-2012, 05:09 PM
 
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If your husband was done at 2, he could have put a condom on his penis. But he didn't. Why didn't he? You should ask him. A condom would have been a really easy thing to do, unlike an abortion, which is a difficult procedure.

 

Don't eat any food he gives you for a few months. Prepare it yourself.

 

I'm pro-choice, too. But that means CHOICE. I'm not pro-giving-in-to-male-pressure. It doesn't seem like abortion is something you're interested in for this particular pregnancy, and that you would like to choose to parent this child. Your husband can choose, too. He can choose to stay with you and parent the child with you, or leave and pay you child support.

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#10 of 20 Old 06-07-2012, 05:42 PM
 
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I'm unable to see where I mentioned magic anything let alone fairy dust. WHAT?

I don't think you read with I ment.

 

 

Quote:

Wow. Your husband's behaviour is incredibly self-absorbed, immature, and abhorrent. If he was done with two why no vasectomy? Did the condom break? If I were to choose between my third child and a disturbing, unsupportive partner I'd choose my child in a moment.

 

this very well may be the case......... but I have my own opinion of men like this


 

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#11 of 20 Old 06-07-2012, 05:44 PM
 
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 he could have put a condom on his penis.

 

 

you can't undo anything nor can one force a feeling onto another for their desired benefit

 

what's done is done, what happens you do have some control over- but not all


 

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#12 of 20 Old 06-07-2012, 05:49 PM
 
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It sounds like, no matter the outcome of your pregnancy, the two of you need counseling. I understand what it is like having two small kids during a tiring pregnancy, and it seems like the time for that just doesn't exist. However, it sounds like no matter the outcome, one of you will be very, possibly irreparably, upset with the other. The sooner you find someone who can support both of you during these difficult discussions, the healthier your relationship will be. Imagine if you had a miscarriage at 20 weeks that left you heartbroken, and the person you had hoped would be your life partner was only detached and relieved.

Even if you weren't emotionally attached to your new baby already, I totally would not even discuss an abortion until he had his vasectomy. Until he is willing to make a huge life-altering decision with his body, I wouldn't be able to take his suggestions for your body seriously. Even if he did have a vasectomy tomorrow, he still can't force you to undergo a medical procedure you don't want, or to give up a child he could so easily have prevented fathering.
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#13 of 20 Old 06-08-2012, 09:07 AM
 
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My ex told my friends that I had made a choice between keeping our farm house and having a baby, and that if I wan't going to abort my second I didn't love him. I took about 3 yars for me to walk away. Best choice I ever made. And yes, babe number two is delightful.

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#14 of 20 Old 06-08-2012, 03:31 PM
 
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You know, its okay to not want a child. It is okay to want to be done. It is okay to have serious, serious doubts and regrets such that he would want to consider termination. I do think a husband/father/boyfriend has a right to express their opinion. I am pro choice. DH is pro choice. If we were in similar circumstances I do think he should voice his fears and preferences and opinions, even if I only wanted support. This is your life partner and the father of your child. I just had to say all that because even if he is expressing himself in an extremely clumsy and even hurtfull way, his opinion counts too. And on boards like this people will make the argument that if someone didn't get a vasectomy they don't have a vote...which is absurd. You are either choosing to bring a life into the world or not. Does it really matter how it happens?

 

I think some serious and immediate counseling would help both of you. Because whatever you choose to do is going to have long term consquences if you both don't agree to the path you are going to take.

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#15 of 20 Old 06-09-2012, 04:38 AM
 
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If someone is vehemently against reproducing (especially to the point where they bully their partner for abortion) and they take no measure to prevent (as an individual with autonomy) I think it does lend a bit of absurdity to their argument. People who full stop do not want children should make an effort not to have them. What's done is done is done, but it's rather gauche (to say the least!) to ejaculate into your wife and emotionally distress her because you couldn't be bothered to wear a condom. 

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#16 of 20 Old 06-10-2012, 02:08 PM
 
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I agree with JudiAU.  The OP didn't specify how the pregnancy happened.  Everyone keeps blaming the husband, but anything could have happened.  We have no idea. 

 

More importantly, this woman has two children with this man and it is worth it to figure out precisely what everyone is feeling and why.  Tearing her children away from their father should be an absolute last resort.  Counseling can help both of them determine what their fears are, why communication has broken down (which it obviously has), and what kinds of directions are possible at this point.  Demonizing the husband for a very very difficult situation is not helpful to anyone -- the children who will grow up fatherless, the mother who will have to raise three young children alone, or the husband who will be left with what I suspect are serious regrets and massive child support payments. 


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#17 of 20 Old 06-12-2012, 09:59 AM
 
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I hope typing this up helped to clarify your own thoughts and feelings. To abort or not to abort is entirely up to you of course, but if your DH is really serious about wanting to be done at 2, then he may make some tough decisions himself if you decide to carry the baby to term. From what you have said, you seem pretty sure you want this baby now even if the timing is not perfect. I don't really feel like I can make any recommendations except get a babysitter or family member to watch your two kids and have a long, long talk with DH about this, hash it all out. Maybe it is all about this third baby, maybe it's really about something else, but you have to get to the bottom of it. And hash out birth control (permanent or otherwise) too and talk more about your visions for the future. None of us here know exactly what happened for this pregnancy to occur, but if there was a possibility of pregnancy, it seems odd that he didn't bring up the only wanting 2 kids until now. Get to the bottom of that, did he not realize it until a 3rd child was a real possibility? Not sure if any of this is helping, hopefully at least sparking some ideas for you!

Regardless, if you can't make any headway with DH on this, I highly recommend counseling. I know it isn't always easy/possible, but if it is, I would get in right away. If he won't go, go by yourself just to talk this through with a neutral third party. Lots of hug2.gif for you!

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#18 of 20 Old 06-12-2012, 10:10 AM
 
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Yeah, all good and fine for the husband to not want the pregnancy. All good and fine. However, I would really really REALLY not be into a man who refused to support even an unplanned pregnancy. I would really NOT be into a man who told me to get an abortion even though I had told him of my intentions to keep the child. I would likely be afraid of a man who implied that he thought it was ok for his workmate to drug his pregnant wife causing her to abort, especially if I was in that same boat with him. OP said that her dh never expressed not wanting another baby. Time for DH to suck it up, or leave.

 

I am disgusted. Not because the OP's husband doesn't really want a third child, but because he's trying to bully her into an abortion, and is being physically and emotionally unsupportive of his wife.

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#19 of 20 Old 06-12-2012, 02:32 PM
 
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OP, I don't know how I would recover from the hurt of my husband saying the things he's saying to you. IMO, how you got pregnant doesn't matter so much, as long as you didn't trick him into, which you obviously didn't. It was an accident, accidents happen, he shouldn't be guilt-tripping you into divorce, and he certainly has issues if he thinks drugging a woman to cause her to miscarry is okay. It's not only wrong, but illegal, and that man would get prison time in many states for that sort of behavior.

 

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Demonizing the husband for a very very difficult situation is not helpful to anyone -- the children who will grow up fatherless, the mother who will have to raise three young children alone, or the husband who will be left with what I suspect are serious regrets and massive child support payments. 

This is a bit of a side note, but since when does divorce equal "growing up fatherless"? Parents can be divorced and still both be highly involved in their children's lives. In fact, as long as both parents want to be involved and neither is abusive, the law REQUIRES it. He doesn't lose his rights as a father just because they get divorced. You need to be a little more sensitive to how many divorced, but actively involved, parents there are on this board. Sheesh. (And no, I'm not divorced, but my parents were, and I was raised BY MY DAD.)

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#20 of 20 Old 06-12-2012, 03:35 PM
 
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This is a bit of a side note, but since when does divorce equal "growing up fatherless"? Parents can be divorced and still both be highly involved in their children's lives. In fact, as long as both parents want to be involved and neither is abusive, the law REQUIRES it. He doesn't lose his rights as a father just because they get divorced. You need to be a little more sensitive to how many divorced, but actively involved, parents there are on this board. Sheesh. (And no, I'm not divorced, but my parents were, and I was raised BY MY DAD.)

Yes, it is possible for both parents to stay highly involved after a divorce, but statistics demonstrate that this does not happen most of the time.  If fathers do not have full custody of their children (and in this case, it would seem unlikely), every form of contact and investment in children tends to decrease over time.  In fact, in American nonresident fathers, one study found that half of the fathers saw their children a few times a year or less (and only 45% of women receive the full child support awarded them by the courts).  So while it's nice to focus on the ideal divorce situation, the reality is that divorce, where the father does not live with the children, generally results in sharply reduced contact with fathers.  Such a situation might not be quite so dire as to be considered "fatherless", but fathers who only see their children a few times a year are certainly not active participants in their children's lives.  Particularly in the OP's case, where a divorce would be precipitated by the father actually not wanting one of the children in question in the first place, I think it highly likely that that child in particular would indeed be "fatherless" (unless the OP is lucky enough to find an excellent subsequent partner or male family member to fill the void).

 

I'm happy your experience with your father was a good one and I am glad that there exist fathers who maintain close contact with their children after divorce.  Sadly, that is not the reality for the vast majority of children.  My suggestion, that the couple in question opt for therapy or counseling as a way to avoid the dissolution of their marriage if at all possible, seems to me both sensitive to the needs of everyone involved and hardly insensitive to anyone else.  If you'd like to continue this conversation, feel free to PM me, but we shouldn't hijack a thread that serves a completely different purpose. 


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