Majorly Unplanned Pregnancy: Emotional Roller Coaster, Scared to Death, Freaking Out!!! - Mothering Forums
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I'm Pregnant > Majorly Unplanned Pregnancy: Emotional Roller Coaster, Scared to Death, Freaking Out!!!
universalbee's Avatar universalbee 10:22 AM 08-07-2012

I am a broke, part-time waitress currently in grad school.  Found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago: major shock and commence daily crying for two weeks.  My bf does not feel ready, and I don't either, but something about going through with an abortion felt really wrong to me.  So, with his support, we decided that while we are broke, we would try to go forward and see what happens.

 

Now, as reality is starting to sink in, I am freaking out.  I started crying in the middle of my run today - what the hell am I doing??  I start an internship next year (at which time surprise baby would be 5 months old) that is unpaid...aaahhh!!  I am already in a student loan financial hole, and I will just be piling onto it, essentially shackling us to a lifetime of poverty, I'm afraid.

 

And, this might be selfish, but I am so scared about what will happen to my body.  I don't want to get fat, I dont want a destroyed vagina, and I don't want to feel miserable and unsexy.  I am also scared that I will never have alone time again - I'm a major introvert and I love being alone.  I am petrified about finances.  I don't want to be a pregnant waitress.  I can't imagine trying to shuffle giving birth and finishing term papers and projects.  I am...freaking out!

 

This is consuming my mind, and I don't know where to turn.  Despite an upcoming bday and mini-vacation, this is all I can think about.  I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this, but I just feel really scared and unsure about what I'm doing.  I wonder if having an abortion would be the right thing after all.  

 

I guess I just need to vent!  I don't know anyone in my situation.  

 

Thanks.



Dia's Avatar Dia 11:46 AM 08-07-2012

Hi there, 

 

Big hugs - I understand how you feel. I am pregnant too with my first, unplanned and a big shock. I have a lot of the same worries as you do. But, I also knew that I could not go through with an abortion. 

 

Anyways, I hope some mamas who have been in your shoes can chime in on this thread and provide you with some wise words. 

 

It will be okay - really. Life has a way of suprising us sometime. The furture is never quite what we expect it to be. 


margarita b's Avatar margarita b 01:09 PM 08-07-2012

Don't change your mind and have an abortion, you will regret it everyday. EVERY day. For the rest of your life.

 

I am on my fifth pregnancy, in a great marriage, and I am also freaking out. I think this may happen even to women who have a planned pregnancy.

 

But with number 5 I can tell you:

 

I haven't gotten fat.

My vagina is still lovely.

I am a major introvert and, with 4 kids and  husband, I haven't quite died yet.

 

And we started off totally broke too. No cars, college loans, hardly any income.

 

You are going to be okay.


margarita b's Avatar margarita b 02:51 PM 08-07-2012

Oh just wanted to add, we had a "lifetime of poverty" too but it's done now! Sometimes I look back on the lean years with nostalgia. Things are much simpler when you simply can't afford anything.

 

Have you looked at photos of fetal development to see what your baby looks like? Have you considered going for an appointment to have an ultrasound? A lot of the crisis pregnancy centers now offer free ultrasound. It might help for you to see your baby. 


pokeyac's Avatar pokeyac 03:20 PM 08-07-2012

I'm sorry you are in this very stressful situation.  I'm sure lots of women have been in your same situation.  You have lots of important decisions to make.  Try to take a deep breath and look at your situation realistically.  How would you handle having a child?  Who would be there to support and help you?  Can you afford all the things you will need?  What resources can you take advantage of, for example, child care at your school, etc?  Life does have a way of surprising us, and everything may fall in place just fine. 

I believe many women have abortions and do not regret it at all because it was the right choice for them at the time.  If it's not the right choice for you, don't have one.  Only you can decide that.  Adoption is also an option.  Placing a child with another family is a selfless, generous act.  And with open adoption, you would still be able to see how your child grows up.  I wish you all the best as you move forward.  hug2.gif


buko's Avatar buko 04:01 PM 08-07-2012

I am not going to comment on the UAV above, except to say that it was extremely offensive to me.  No one here should be advising for or against termination.

 

Just a couple quick comments...

 

-If you continue with the pregnancy, I would advise looking for a decent-paying job that doesn't require you to be on your feet.  People have absolutely made it work, but as a former server, I just know I wouldn't want to be heavily preggo and still waiting tables.

 

-Your vagina will not be ruined!  Especially if you seek out midwifery care. 

 

hug2.gif


MamanFrancaise's Avatar MamanFrancaise 05:18 PM 08-07-2012

I agree... telling someone they will regret an abortion every day for the rest of their life is simply not true. If that is your experience, that is all it is. It is not every woman's experience.

 

To the OP - I am pregnant with my 3rd and I lost the baby weight after the 1st one and my vagina wasn't/isn't ruined. Also, I require tons of alone time and while it can be challenging having a little person attached to you 24/7 for awhile, they are only young for such a short period of time and it flies by so quickly.

 

My first was very unplanned and put things on hold for me for awhile. But I'm only 31 now and am nearing the peak of my career. Everything worked out and it will for you, too if you're willing to just take it a day at a time.


Peony's Avatar Peony 07:47 PM 08-07-2012

It may be possible to regret an abortion, it is also possible to regret having a child. shrug.gif Everything doesn't always turn out peachy. There are no hard and fast rules which just may be one of the most difficult things. It is common to have freak outs and regrets even with a planned pregnancy. Maybe this min-vacation would be a good time to step away from your daily life for a bit and allow you and your BF to truly decide what it is you do want. hug2.gif


keeptryst's Avatar keeptryst 09:57 PM 08-07-2012

Yes, this mini-vacation might be a good time for you to find some quiet time and do some soul-searching with your bf, and alone. And whatever your heart says, follow that. Don't think my heart is saying this, but it's not practical, etc. External situations and events are not written in stone, they change all the time - and like PPs said, life has a way of surprising you. Follow your heart and everything else will fall into place sooner or later.

 

Peace and love and light to you. hug2.gif


pokeyac's Avatar pokeyac 10:00 PM 08-07-2012

Just a reminder:  Mothering does not hold a position for or against abortion, but we do not host abortion debate. We recognize that discussion of abortion may be necessary for some members and we must, as a community, be open to helping our members talk through such things. In considering options and seeking and offering advice we ask our members to proceed with sensitivity and care and to avoid debate. Any posts that go against this will have to be removed. Any questions about this policy can be posted to Questions & Suggestions or sent to one of the administrators by PM.

Thank you.


Katica's Avatar Katica 02:44 AM 08-08-2012

When we got pregnant with our first we were VERY BROKE. We hardly had any money, just starting school and moving to another country. That baby is now 6 years old and the joy of our life (plus the other two who came along after:) Your emotions are very normal, I was freaking out as well. But, after three kids, while I am not exactly the same weight as before, I`m by no means fat or undesirable. My hubby can consent to that:)

Take a deep breath, it will be fine. A few years from now you will not be able to imagine your life without this child.

Take care
 


naturalmama1002's Avatar naturalmama1002 07:42 AM 08-08-2012

I think this is just one of those things where you can't really know for sure, until you are there. If you fear you might always regret an abortion, go with your gut. If you fear you might regret going forward- I won't lie, there are hard days. But, honestly, I've never honestly, deeply regretted my children. When my oldest was born, I was so broke it wasn't funny. I don't even know how we made it through that first year. But we did. My second was born in between semesters of school. He was 9 weeks old when I started my degree program, which was a very very competitive program (over half the original participants dropped or flunked out). Somehow, I got through it all- and a cardiac condition in pregnancy too no less. My body isn't as perfect as it once was (my vagina still is, though!) but my husband (second husband, who met me after my flaws appeared) loves it anyway. I'm still in student loan debt up to my eyeballs, and I'll probably always be broke (sigh) but life is good.


Adaline'sMama's Avatar Adaline'sMama 09:22 AM 08-08-2012

Just to let you know my experience, I had an abortion, and I dont regret it everyday of my life. However, if you dont feel right about it, then you are making the right decision by not having one.

 

You are a broke student? You should qualify for assistance, especially healthcare. You might want to look into that if you feel like the actual birth is going to set you back. Babies arent that expensive, it's the caring for them that costs money. Either you not going to work, or you finding childcare for your baby is usually what sets people back. I remember arguing to Dh when we were pg with DD about how since we would bf, cloth diaper, and not use childcare we wouldnt be spending ANY more money than normal. Then he reminded me that SAH didnt pay me $24,000 like the job I had before I got pg did! True, true.

 

If you have good accomadations (an extra room in your house, or a garage that you can set up like an apartment) you might look into hosting someone in exchange for free childcare while you work or go back to school.

 

 

When are you due?


flightgoddess's Avatar flightgoddess 11:47 AM 08-08-2012

Just chiming in, becuase you do have a third choice. Adoption. My husband was given for adoption by his part time broke unmarried mother. She loved him enough to make the best choice for him. He grew up with a great family, and when he was in college, he found his birth mom and she was waiting to welcome him. She and her family is a big part of his life now. He feel truly blessed to have had the childhood he had and for the many families in his life now.  I know not all adoption stories are so rosy, but they do exits out there. And adoption has so many different choices these days. Best of luck.


margarita b's Avatar margarita b 02:58 PM 08-08-2012

I'm sorry everyone, I didn't mean to bring up the abortion thing. It's big for me - I want to save people from the hurt I experience every day. But I do realize Mothering is not the right place for it.


wissa19's Avatar wissa19 04:00 PM 08-08-2012
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

You are a broke student? You should qualify for assistance, especially healthcare. You might want to look into that if you feel like the actual birth is going to set you back. Babies arent that expensive, it's the caring for them that costs money. Either you not going to work, or you finding childcare for your baby is usually what sets people back. I remember arguing to Dh when we were pg with DD about how since we would bf, cloth diaper, and not use childcare we wouldnt be spending ANY more money than normal. Then he reminded me that SAH didnt pay me $24,000 like the job I had before I got pg did! True, true. 

 

If you really want to have the baby, there are many programs out there to help you.  If you are a student and as broke as is sounds (and in the U.S.) you will qualify for medicaid, and WIC.  I also know a young couple that qualified for free child care while they were in school.  The financial aid office at your school might be able to help find a child care program.  You could also contact the school counselor, who will have lots of information on support programs/ community organizations for you.

 

It sounds like you are really trying to figure out what will be best for you and the baby and I hope everything works out for you. Panic is always a first response in these situations and think you are doing the right thing by taking the time to seek advice and figure out how you really feel about everything.

 


MichelleZB's Avatar MichelleZB 04:52 PM 08-08-2012

OP, you could go to your local planned parenthood and talk to an options counsellor. They are trained to talk to you about what parenting would look like, budgeting, or going through the adoption process, or telling you what an abortion would be like and answering questions about that.

 

(Make sure you don't go to one of those "anti-choice" pregnancy places, because the counsellors there are not there to support you and help you with your decision.)

 

Good luck!


StudyingStones's Avatar StudyingStones 07:01 PM 08-08-2012
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

OP, you could go to your local planned parenthood and talk to an options counsellor. They are trained to talk to you about what parenting would look like, budgeting, or going through the adoption process, or telling you what an abortion would be like and answering questions about that.

(Make sure you don't go to one of those "anti-choice" pregnancy places, because the counsellors there are not there to support you and help you with your decision.)

Good luck!

I think this is a great suggestion.

my son was also unplanned. After living most of my adult life thinking that I did not want to have children, becoming pregnant was a very scary thing. I wasn't working, I was in college, and DH (then fiancée) and I were struggling to get by. I'm not going to sugarcoat it and say we got by just fine...it was hard. Really hard. I worked at a coffee shop until my due date, where I was on my feet 8 hours a day. DS was formula fed, so we had that expense, as well as diapers and all the other things babies need. The point is, DS is now 5 and a half, and we are finally at a stage where we are comfortable financially. We have enough money to take family trips, and just recently purchased our first vehicle! It DOES get better, and like many of the pp's suggested, you do have alternate options, be they adoption, abortion, or keeping the baby. I wish you the best of luck no matter the decision you make!
universalbee's Avatar universalbee 08:34 AM 08-15-2012

thanks so much for all your input.  it is nice to hear others who have made it - and the reminder that there are so many things i can't control, no matter what i choose.  i definitely had a big freakout, imagining the worst of the worst in all possible regards.  this is one of the toughest things i've come across in my life and it is hard to weigh a battle of my heart vs. my head.  i know things will be okay no matter what - i just get huge pangs of fear, stress, and panic.  but again, it is nice to know that i'm not the only one with those feelings....so thank you!  stillheart.gif


marsupial-mom's Avatar marsupial-mom 09:15 AM 08-15-2012
I'm an adoptive parent married and financially secure and totally "prepared" for parenthood yet I still felt many of the emotions you described. I worried about never having time alone and I worried I could never have a career. I think that almost anyone is scared becoming a first time parent. The emotions are completely normal and so long as they don't make you act dangerously or erratically then don't put too much stock into them. Fears and worries are how we prepare for the future.

Abortion or adoption might make sense for you. Many pregnant women who choose adoption or abortion are in your situation. There are fewer of the desperate teen moms, more often they are 20-something women who know what they want in life and have a plan. They choose adoption or abortion because it fits with their educational, career, and other life goals. Some have children later in life, some don't.

Or having the baby and keeping it might make sense. There are definate positives to that:
- having children before your career rather than in the middle can be a really good career move
- sounds like you have some strong support from your bf, which is great
- you're already well-educated which is a huge benefit to a child

And remember that there are many programs that can help you obtain medical care and food for yourself and baby. If you keep the baby then money will be stretched thin but there is a government safety net.

Alphaghetti's Avatar Alphaghetti 09:30 AM 08-15-2012

Just wanted to give you my experience too:

 

We were broke, all odds against us. Our unplanned baby is almost 13 years old now, she's witty, brilliant and compassionate, and my very best friend. Her dad and I went on to have two more children, and although we most definitely went through some pretty hard times, we're all doing great!!! :D


pokeyac's Avatar pokeyac 09:36 AM 08-15-2012

@Marsupial-mom    yeahthat.gif

 

Even when you plan everything out, pregnancy can be pretty terrifying.  The fear of the unknown is a big one.  I wish you all the best!


ahimsamom's Avatar ahimsamom 09:40 AM 08-15-2012

Just wanted to add my story:

 

We were also young and broke. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was the only one working, getting paid $8.00 12 hours a week for an internship. We were both finising up our undergrad. We both went to the same private school and have an extremely large amount of student loan debt.

 

We both had to make some sacrifices to make it work as a family, but I have to say it was 100% worth it. So worth it that we are getting ready to welcome #2 into our family.


librarygirl's Avatar librarygirl 10:11 AM 08-15-2012

Just wanted to share from the other side of this- my parents were 17 and 20 when Mom found out I was on my way. She was a high school student, he was a college drop-out working at his dad's pizza shop. They got married and I arrived 6 months later. Life was HARD for them. They were young and broke and had no clue what to do with a baby but fast-forward 33 years and they own a beautiful home and drive nice cars and are very happy. They raised not just me but my 3 sisters into strong, independent, kind, compassionate women with a combined 3 bachelor's degrees and 2 masters degrees and 4 successful careers.

 

I realize now what my parents gave up to have me and that they didn't have to do that. They sacrificed careers (my mom wanted to be and could have been a runway model), financial security, living at home with their parents until they were a little older. They went without so their daughters didn't. We didn't grow up with designer clothes or the newest bikes or name-brand snacks in our lunches, but we did grow up with a lot of love.

 

Challenges can be met and overcome and if you want to give this baby a loving home, you'll find a way to do it- my best friend (my mom) did.


anyalily's Avatar anyalily 05:44 PM 08-19-2012

I also wanted to chime in and suggest, that no matter what you decide, to seek some counseling (lots of free therapy options exist for students). I had some post-partum depression (after my planned pregnancy) and awful anxiety, and I wish I had not waited so long to deal with it (talk therapy helped - no drugs were needed).

 

I also chose abortion when I was 19, and should have had some counseling after that. The pregnancy hormones do a number on you, whether you carry to term or not!

 

And just to share, I do not and never have regretted the choice I made all those years ago, AND I am sad I had to do it. None of the choices are easy, or simple.

 

I also wanted to offer a hug and wish you good luck, mama!


familycastle's Avatar familycastle 05:49 PM 08-19-2012
My first dd is 5.5 years old, and I had her when I was 20, before I even started my degree. I had no money, and was extremely worried. Looking back now, I realize that I worried way more than I should have, because life works itself out. I've completed my degree now, am stable, and am pregnant with my second child. I have to admit, I **** worry, but I know that one day I will look back at this worry and realize it was all for not, just as it was for dd. Just plan everything as much as you can, that helps me organize my mind and reduce my worry (hug).
universalbee's Avatar universalbee 11:34 AM 08-21-2012

well, things do have a way of working themselves out.  went in for an u/s today and there was no heartbeat.  i am scheduled for a d&c and despite all the stress and turmoil of this unplanned pregnancy, i still feel upset that this is how it's turning out.  anyway, thanks so much to all of you for sharing your stories.  i definitely have a whole new perspective on all of this, and i won't forget any of this when i hopefully become a mother in the future.  best wishes to you.


baileyb's Avatar baileyb 11:40 AM 08-21-2012
Quote:
Originally Posted by universalbee View Post

I am a broke, part-time waitress currently in grad school.  Found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago: major shock and commence daily crying for two weeks.  My bf does not feel ready, and I don't either, but something about going through with an abortion felt really wrong to me.  So, with his support, we decided that while we are broke, we would try to go forward and see what happens.

 

Now, as reality is starting to sink in, I am freaking out.  I started crying in the middle of my run today - what the hell am I doing??  I start an internship next year (at which time surprise baby would be 5 months old) that is unpaid...aaahhh!!  I am already in a student loan financial hole, and I will just be piling onto it, essentially shackling us to a lifetime of poverty, I'm afraid.

 

And, this might be selfish, but I am so scared about what will happen to my body.  I don't want to get fat, I dont want a destroyed vagina, and I don't want to feel miserable and unsexy.  I am also scared that I will never have alone time again - I'm a major introvert and I love being alone.  I am petrified about finances.  I don't want to be a pregnant waitress.  I can't imagine trying to shuffle giving birth and finishing term papers and projects.  I am...freaking out!

 

This is consuming my mind, and I don't know where to turn.  Despite an upcoming bday and mini-vacation, this is all I can think about.  I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this, but I just feel really scared and unsure about what I'm doing.  I wonder if having an abortion would be the right thing after all.  

 

I guess I just need to vent!  I don't know anyone in my situation.  

 

Thanks.

Deep breathes girl! I have had 2 full term pregnancies and have only noticed small changes in my body. A friend of mine had a set of twins and then 2 more children after that and still gets hit on all the time (when not with her kids, haha). The alone time thing, yeah that kinda sucks but you will have alone time just a little less of it. Also, I have been a pregnant waitress twice. People tip better and you get more lee-way (sp?) with your boss and co-workers. Especially as you get bigger. I would say don't have an abortion, you will regret it. But that is just my opinion. You will just have to find a way to get your finances together. I am no help there but if you take it on day at a time you WILL be ok!


baileyb's Avatar baileyb 11:41 AM 08-21-2012

Oh shoot! I should've read thru all the responses, sorry. Take care of yourself.


JudiAU's Avatar JudiAU 12:09 PM 08-21-2012

I am really sorry. You seem so upset, as I would have been in similar circumstances. You have choices so make the one that is best for you and your bf at this time in your life.


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