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#1 of 20 Old 10-12-2012, 10:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry to repost, but I am stressed!!!!

 

Hello all!

 

I guess I don't know where to start. I'm here because I hope I can get support, or answers, or something... I'm pregnant and don't like kids, even worse, I really really don't like babies. The thought of having an infant around freaks me out, and I don't think I could ever bring myself to change a diaper.

 

A little history about myself: I grew up as a tomboy playing with my brother and all his friends. I've always been adventurous and "one of the guys." I love everything about the outdoors, and my daily activities are always outside in the woods, exploring.

 

I'm really scared about being pregnant. I have an amazing hubby who is extremely supportive and he's very excited about the news. I wish I could be happy with him, but I'm just not. In fact I get depressed thinking about it. When we are out and see babies and parents, I see his eyes light up, as he smiles and makes faces at the babies. My reaction is the opposite (internally), I am grossed out. I'm sure there are other people who have gone through what I'm going through. I secretly keep hoping to myself that I have a miscarriage. I feel ashamed about it though because my hubby would be crushed.

 

Some of my fears besides the overall having an extremely foreign thing in my life, is giving birth, feeling nasty looking with a huge bowling ball of a belly, getting no sleep (I get crazy with no sleep), always having an extra "thing" to cart around, and I don't want to lose my identity.

 

I don't know "kid" people, and have always avoided them in my friends group. People have told me that even if you don't like kids, you'll love your own. Okay, that could be correct, but what about having to do kid things once it's born?? Birthday parties, the park, kid places (whatever the hell you have to do with them). That would involve being around other babies or kids and that sounds awful to me.

 

The most important thing to me is that my whole life revolves around being adventurous with my dogs. In fact, I am one of those "dog people." The kind who never have kids, because their dogs are their kids. Yep, that's me. When I found out I was pregnant I told my hubby that I'd rather have a puppy. Everything I do, my dogs are included. We don't vacation unless they are allowed to go. The biggest fear that I have is that my dogs will come second if we have a baby to care for, as it sounds like they take A TON of energy and time. That is the saddest thing to me. I even feel guilty. Every time I think about being pregnant, my dogs pop into my head and the guilt lays on thick.

 

I talk to my hubby about most of these things. He knows how I feel about it. I don't know, I am just at a loss. I hope someone can help guide me or give me answers, or any insight, or experience. Has anyone else had this experience??

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#2 of 20 Old 10-12-2012, 11:28 AM
 
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I don't know if I can give you any real advice from personal experience, but I couldn't read this and not respond. First, let me say that I think you are a very brave woman to acknowledge and be open about your feelings. The other things that come to mind are as follows...

Looking at it from your 'dog lover' angle, what is it that you really love about dogs? Because dogs are not easy to care for (I know, we have one), and in many ways are similar to children. Do you love the companionship? the unconditional love? when you are trying to teach them something and they finally 'get' it? again...that is very similar to children. And it sounds like you have found ways to incorporate your dogs into your love of the outdoors. You can do the same with a baby/child. Who says you have to do typical kids things? I have 2 boys and have never been to another kid's birthday party, though I do take them with me to the dog park and the horse barn. You choose what works for your lifestyle and incorporate your child into your own life. Though there are many people who have children and their lives begin to revolve around the child, you DON'T have to be that way. What I envision for you: getting a good baby carrier/backpack and taking that baby/child on long hikes with your dogs, letting them explore the outdoors, doing the tomboyish things you used to enjoy as a child. Yes, in the beginning, you can feel a loss of identity...the first few months are hard. But hopefully, with a supportive spouse (which it sounds like you have) you will find a way to maintain your identity as you transition into motherhood.

 

Hopefully others who have been in a similar situation can offer more support/advice than simply thinking of your baby as a dog :) But really...you have taken the best first step in asking for advice and I commend you for that.


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#3 of 20 Old 10-12-2012, 12:37 PM
 
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The first month after I found out I was pregnant, I too, told everyone that asked what I wanted or was hoping for, "a puppy."  Puppies I know, babies I don't.  But I trust I'll figure it out.  I'll trust some intuition will kick in.  (I'm 17 weeks.)

 

I don't have any "kid" people in my circle of friends, but I'm making a conscious effort to reach out to some of the mom acquaintances I know and develop friendships.  I live in an awesome community and the people that do have kids aren't the stereotypical moms on TV - when they get together, they go hiking or fishing. 

 

Do you have other dog friends that also have children?  Maybe hanging out with them and seeing how they've made room in their lives can help you see how it'll all work out for you.


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#4 of 20 Old 10-12-2012, 01:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by berrymama View Post

I don't know if I can give you any real advice from personal experience, but I couldn't read this and not respond. First, let me say that I think you are a very brave woman to acknowledge and be open about your feelings. The other things that come to mind are as follows...

Looking at it from your 'dog lover' angle, what is it that you really love about dogs? Because dogs are not easy to care for (I know, we have one), and in many ways are similar to children. Do you love the companionship? the unconditional love? when you are trying to teach them something and they finally 'get' it? again...that is very similar to children. And it sounds like you have found ways to incorporate your dogs into your love of the outdoors. You can do the same with a baby/child. Who says you have to do typical kids things? I have 2 boys and have never been to another kid's birthday party, though I do take them with me to the dog park and the horse barn. You choose what works for your lifestyle and incorporate your child into your own life. Though there are many people who have children and their lives begin to revolve around the child, you DON'T have to be that way. What I envision for you: getting a good baby carrier/backpack and taking that baby/child on long hikes with your dogs, letting them explore the outdoors, doing the tomboyish things you used to enjoy as a child. Yes, in the beginning, you can feel a loss of identity...the first few months are hard. But hopefully, with a supportive spouse (which it sounds like you have) you will find a way to maintain your identity as you transition into motherhood.

 

Hopefully others who have been in a similar situation can offer more support/advice than simply thinking of your baby as a dog :) But really...you have taken the best first step in asking for advice and I commend you for that.

 

Thank you for your response and thoughts! It makes sense that I can create whatever type of lifestyle I choose.

 

My dogs are my companions, my children. The main concern is that we actively participate in competitive sports, that is pretty much my whole life and consumes most of my time.... how will I possibly find time for a kid, little own a new born. To top it off, we are on a waitlist for a puppy that's due any day... before we found out about the news.

 

There also comes other issues with owning dogs and children. As someone who studied dog behavior most of her life, my concerns are as follows:

 

1. Pack dynamics.

 -It's possible that my dogs could be stressed out about a new member of the pack, and never adjust. When you change the dynamics of a pack, a number of problems can arise. Worst case scenario, a new puppy that didn't work out could be adopted into a better family, a child can't.

 

2. Herding dogs

  -My one dog hates children and will nip them if they run, the other is neutral. My dog came first, her needs are my priority. She needs to feel safe and not be rejected as a part of the family. It's not to say that we can't accomplish a peaceful household, but it would be a TON of work and a lot of stress, on top of all the other crap I already have going on.

 

3. Balance

  -Doesn't a newborn take all your time?? How will I find time to do the things I enjoy and keep my mental health?

 

 

I'm also in school, working my way towards a PHD. This news is just awful and couldn't have come at a worse time! So now I have full time school and full time sports competitor. This baby will cramp my style. I don't want to resent it, or my hubby if my life turns out bogged down by a child.

 

I have a hard time taking care of my needs, so I don't know how I will be able to take care of needs of a helpless baby.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by scruffy too View Post

The first month after I found out I was pregnant, I too, told everyone that asked what I wanted or was hoping for, "a puppy."  Puppies I know, babies I don't.  But I trust I'll figure it out.  I'll trust some intuition will kick in.  (I'm 17 weeks.)

 

I don't have any "kid" people in my circle of friends, but I'm making a conscious effort to reach out to some of the mom acquaintances I know and develop friendships.  I live in an awesome community and the people that do have kids aren't the stereotypical moms on TV - when they get together, they go hiking or fishing. 

 

Do you have other dog friends that also have children?  Maybe hanging out with them and seeing how they've made room in their lives can help you see how it'll all work out for you.

 

Puppies are so much fun :)

 

The dog community I'm in... the majority seems to dislike kids, or are so serious about their companions (as am I) that kids are the farthest thing from my mind. I'm sure I will be outcasted for this. The only dog friends with kids live thousands of miles away.

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#5 of 20 Old 10-12-2012, 01:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, and I'm supposed to do an intern that would last 6-9 months. My hubby would stay here, the dogs would go with me. We've already discussed this. So, not knowing anything about kids... what am I supposed to do in this situation??

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#6 of 20 Old 10-12-2012, 01:15 PM
 
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Can your husband be the primary caregiver for the baby?  It sounds like that might be a good idea.




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#7 of 20 Old 10-12-2012, 01:26 PM
 
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I think the PPs have given good advice - I hope it helps!

 

To me, the biggest "advantage" to dogs over kids is that you can leave them at home all day by themselves. shy.gif  Aside from that, they can be amazingly similar, though that probably offends some people.  Lots of messes to clean up.  Lots of patience.  Lots of firm, loving guidance.  Lots of companionship.  Waking you up early (or even in the middle of the night).  

 

Anyway - I, too, had total baby phobia.  They weirded me out to the nth degree - little squirmy, soul-sucking, screaming aliens (don't get me started on those CREEPY lil fingers and toes...).  Eeew.  No thanks.  We had no friends with children (still only have one) and had a very active social life, going out to bars and music festivals, camping, etc.

 

BUT...due to some medical issues that forced a decision, and being head over heels for my husband (and not wanting to regret it) we went for it and made a human.  I can also tell you, I think it is totally normal for it to feel surreal or strange - when I "met" DS for the first time, I was completely freaked out by this baby stranger who suddenly appeared.  Sometimes it takes time, and that's totally ok.

 

SO the biggest thing that I can tell you is to not picture some cutesy baby in a bunny snowsuit or something.  This is YOUR kid - yours and DH's - so, theoretically, it is like you.  It is made up of you, it will be raised by you, dressed by you, fed by you.  It is your creation (not unlike something you wrote/carved/painted/etc.).  Thinking of it as adding to your pack might help.

 

Our social lives have totally changed - alot less drinking and going out with friends (because, again, we still don't have "kid friends") - mostly because we're so busy at home.  But we do see them.  When DS was a baby we took him to bars.  Now that he's running around, we meet those same friends at cook-outs or music festivals or parks or whatever.

 

We travel with DS (no Disney cruises - same cabins and hostels we would usually go to).  We expose him to lots of nature and cultural opportunities that we enjoy.  Basically, it's your kid.  It is fitting into your family, not the other way around.  There is NO need to fear becoming one of the resident moms at Romp and Roll, driving a mini-van, living in the suburbs.  We still live in the city, with our same cars.

 

That is my long rambling bit of advice.  To view this as a creative opportunity, to raise a human how you would want to be raised, around the things you love.  That is how I avoid losing my identity.  And it is true - you do end up loving the lil booger SO MUCH that you probably won't be able to imagine your pack without them.  You may want to read up on babies (like Dr. Sears or others) before he/she is here - I wish I had (I read alot about pregnancy, and then kinda had to wing it).  Good luck!


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#8 of 20 Old 10-12-2012, 01:39 PM
 
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Cross-posted - you definitely do have a full plate!  If the internship is a must, DH being the primary caregiver might be a good idea (especially since dog fears will be eliminated).  

 

Can you take time off from your studies/cut workload to adjust to motherhood?  Can you still participate in sports without giving it full-time focus?  It may sound painful, but if you can still incorporate at least a LITTLE of the things you love, it helps to stay sane (and balanced).  Maybe plan to trade off time with DH to pursue those things.  Whether your lil one is easy-going or high needs is also a huge factor, which you can't control.

 

Kids are definite curveballs.  I think you should absolutely plan on having to help your dogs (especially the one you mentioned) adjust, and start compiling ideas and resources for that.  If you get a new puppy, that's an adjustment - a move or losing a dog would be a big adjustment - it does add something else to your full plate, certainly, but it's pretty crucial - for the baby's sake AND your dog's.


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#9 of 20 Old 10-12-2012, 02:02 PM
 
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Just to address your concern of Pack Dynamics - if you and your DH are alpha, it shouldn't be too much of an issue.  The dogs should take their cue from you.  I have a Bullmastiff and a Rottie and do not expect any problems, if anything, I think they'll leave the room of a screaming child.  I'm sure it will stress them out, but I plan on spending extra time (when I can) with them.  And in the mean time (before d-day), reinforcing my role in our pack as alpha.


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#10 of 20 Old 10-12-2012, 02:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So overwhelming and so much info to take in and sort out. What are all the initials, DS, DH and so on? Dog husband, hee hee :)

 

My hubby is an amazing man who is really supportive. I know he will take on a lot of the workload. As far as the intern, not sure about primary care... he has a weird schedule. He works a lot from home, but when needed has to run into the office or have meetings, etc.

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#11 of 20 Old 10-12-2012, 02:57 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skoook View Post

There also comes other issues with owning dogs and children. As someone who studied dog behavior most of her life, my concerns are as follows:

 

1. Pack dynamics.

 -It's possible that my dogs could be stressed out about a new member of the pack, and never adjust. When you change the dynamics of a pack, a number of problems can arise. Worst case scenario, a new puppy that didn't work out could be adopted into a better family, a child can't.

 

2. Herding dogs

  -My one dog hates children and will nip them if they run, the other is neutral. My dog came first, her needs are my priority. She needs to feel safe and not be rejected as a part of the family. It's not to say that we can't accomplish a peaceful household, but it would be a TON of work and a lot of stress, on top of all the other crap I already have going on.

 

3. Balance

  -Doesn't a newborn take all your time?? How will I find time to do the things I enjoy and keep my mental health?

 

 

You have some very valid concerns, but I don't think they are insurmountable. The great thing about dogs (and kids) that they are very intelligent and trainable. I hear you about the herding dog/running kid issue. We got our puppy when my boys were ages 1.5 and 3.5 yrs, and the few months were tough with the nipping and other typical puppy behaviors. But through repitition, my kids learned to not run from the dog and she learned not to nip at them. The coexist peacefully now. (I realize it will be more difficult with an older herding dog).

 

And newborns take time, but they are also very portable, especially if your partner joins you at events. Life with a baby is actually much easier when you stay busy and get out of the house where there are new things for them to look at and people to meet. I went a bit stir-crazy staying inside with my first (a winter baby), but by the time I had a second and there was more going on in the house, and we spent more time outside, everyone was much happier.


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#12 of 20 Old 10-12-2012, 03:02 PM
 
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DH - dear husband

DS - dear son

PP - previous poster(s)

 etc.  winky.gif

 

I always wanted children, so I can't relate to where you are coming from from that perspective specifically, but can from the perspective of wanting to maintain your own identity, etc.

 

I do think you've gotten some good advice here so far.  I would just add that maybe you want to talk to a counselor about your fears, as sometimes they can be really helpful in working through things.

 

I would also just re-iterate that you can have the life you want with your child and husband and dogs.  Not that much would have to change.  You already are accomodating your dogs (and let's face it, there isn't that much difference between small kids and dogs in many ways hide.gif).  You can still explore the outdoors, camp, hike, cross country ski, etc. etc.  A lot is about your willingness to make it happen.  Your PHD situation certainly adds another challenge.  But if you head over to the "Student and Working Parents" section I'm sure you can get lots of advice there on childcare, balancing study and parenting, etc.  In some ways, school is more flexible than work so it's not necessarily a bad time to start a family.  I also think you are very fortunate to have a DH who is excited and on-board.  I hope that with some time and some research you can feel more excited about this possibility and see that it doesn't have to change who you are.  And, in fact, it just means that you and DH can have one more person to share your adventures and interests with.  Dogs are great companions, but they are only with us for 10 or 15 years.  Children can be our friends and companions for a lifetime.

 

Here, check these out:

 

http://mylittlenomads.com/

 

http://familyadventureproject.org/

 

Also, competitive athletes have families and babies too:  winky.gif

 

http://workingmoms.about.com/od/workingmomprofiles/p/Olympic-Mom-Kerri-Walsh-Brings-Home-Gold-In-Beach-Volleyball.htm (she was actually in early pregnancy during the olympics this year!)

 

Anyway, I am not posting to say that you should want to do this or have a child, just that you can do it and make it work for you if you so chose.


N, wife to my goofball K partners.gif and mamma to my EC grad D (July 2010) and my new little love S (May 2013).  Exploring the uncharted territory of tandem nursing with my two boys.

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#13 of 20 Old 10-15-2012, 03:40 PM
 
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I'm pregnant and don't like kids, even worse, I really really don't like babies.

 

I can relate to your situation somewhat.  I am a dog person too, definitely a tomboy, spend as much time outdoors as possible, work with teenagers, and like older kids well enough, but I was never a "baby person" and did not grow up dreaming about marriage/children.  Nope, traditional feminine stuff is definitely not my cup of tea.  Yet, here I am doing the mom-thing, and strangely that is working out fine.  Even so, kids under 3 years old are in a lot of ways a complete mystery to me.  I didn't have a clue what to do with babies, and pretty much had to learn everything on the job...I still often say I'm just making it up as I go.

 

Some people enjoy pregnancy.  Others don't.  Some people are crazy about babies, others find them repulsive.  But the thing to keep in mind, is that no matter how you feel generically about other people's babies, you WILL feel very differently about your own child.  You really can't help it actually...there's a whole chemical soup of hormones that pretty much ensure this.

 

Oh and the diaper thing...I had serious concerns about that since I have a lot of sensory issues around smells, and was so queasy when pregnant, I wondered how I would ever deal with someone else's fecal matter...oddly enough, you just DO, and it really isn't as bad as it seems.  After a week of changing diapers, you can do it blindfolded with one hand.  ;)

 

You will get your body back (if you want to).  The immediate postpartum period is rough, but slowly but surely you will resemble yourself again.

 

The sleep thing sucks hard, but it's not permanent, and it becomes less of an issue over time.  It's probably the hardest thing about having a baby, IMO.

 

Carting around baby-crud is annoying, but you get used to it...After awhile, it becomes normal.  Then eventually they are able to carry their own crud!

 

You don't have to lose your identity--you just kind of evolve into a new stage of yourself. 

 

You don't have to start hanging around "kid" people unless you find yourself wanting to.  I personally don't, so I just do the things I already enjoy.  You don't have to do "kid" stuff...for the most part, you can do a lot of the same things that you are probably doing now, just on a different scale.  I do a lot of the same stuff I always have done, just at a bit slower of a pace.  But I definitely don't do a lot of the standard "kiddie" stuff because it annoys me. On the other hand, if you want, its a great time to relive some of things you enjoyed from your own childhood.

 

-It's possible that my dogs could be stressed out about a new member of the pack, and never adjust.

That's pretty rare though.  Almost everyone I know at this point has kids and dogs.  Most of the dogs I've ever known, readily accept new small humans--much more readily than they do another dog.  They usually become extremely protective of the children they live with.  Dogs tend to jump into this protective mode with "their kids" without ever being told to do so, and as long as they respect your authority, and aren't overly rambunctious, you don't really have to worry too much about them adjusting to kids.  They totally get that the kid is an important pack member.     

 

My one dog hates children and will nip them if they run, the other is neutral.

Babies aren't mobile for a long time, so you will have plenty of time for this dog to get used to a new baby, and figure out what arrangements will need to be made to ensure that both can co-exist.

 

Having kids is actually a lot like having dogs, IMO.  They just stay puppies longer, and you can take them more places, but from a logistical perspective, there's a lot of similarity, and you end up having to deal with quite a lot of the same stuff.

 

Doesn't a newborn take all your time?? How will I find time to do the things I enjoy and keep my mental health?

At first, yes.  They're pretty needy.  Gradually this lessens, and you get some more time to yourself.  If you are lucky enough to have family/friends who can help out, this happens even sooner.  Basically the first year SUCKS hardcore, and then you start getting more and more time back.  If you work outside the home, then you have HOURS of adult time to yourself, and that helps a lot!

 

I'm also in school, working my way towards a PHD.

Ouch!  That's not going to be easy.  How much time do you have left in school?  You'll need to do as much as you can BEFORE the baby arrives because it's hard to find time to read/study/write with an infant on the scene.

 

This baby will cramp my style. I don't want to resent it, or my hubby if my life turns out bogged down by a child.

This is something you'll have to navigate, and it won't be easy.  You'll have to reallocate significant portions of your time and put things on hold temporarily.  If you can afford it, you may want to look into hiring some help, especially while you are still in school. 

 

I have a hard time taking care of my needs, so I don't know how I will be able to take care of needs of a helpless baby.

Oddly enough, I find it easier to take care of my kid than myself.  And babies are good advocates for themselves...they will let you know if they need something!

 

If you're sure you want to go through with this, make sure you prepare yourself for birth as much as possible! 

The nice thing about 9 months of gestation is that it gives you plenty of time to process the impending doom--ahem--profound changes that are going to take place in your life.  Parenthood changes you in more ways than you can imagine (mostly positive), and having nine months to sort through all the ambivalence is helpful.  As you lose the ability to do certain things, it's good practice for what's coming, but I think of it as a slow and graceful transition towards your new reality.  You will be changed by this in ways you can scarcely imagine.  It's nice to have this time to internalize and work through the emotions that come up.  I think being totally scared is normal.  No one hardly talks about this, but it ain't all sunshine and roses, and most women I've known (even the ones who claimed to be deliriously happy about babies) have moments of ambivalence and doubt.  Good luck!
 

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#14 of 20 Old 10-15-2012, 06:54 PM
 
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I can't address some of your concerns since I always wanted children, but I can address the dog issue.  We have three dogs, all different ages and temperaments.  They have adapted wonderfully to our two month old.  Our youngest dog, who has always been the baby (and was a feral puppy when we got her, so not exactly a promising mom-dog) LOVES the baby and is super protective, licking her whenever she can, etc.  More importantly for your purposes, our dogs get just as much attention now as they did before since we strap the baby into a carrier and I walk for miles with the pups.  It was a wonderful way to escape the newborn monotony and get outside.  If I can walk/hike with three dogs and a baby, anyone can. 

 

I was told by (hopefully) well-meaning people that I would dislike my dogs after the baby came.  I guess they didn't know what they were talking about.  I love my dogs just as much as I did before.  They are amazing and I love watching how they interact with the newest family member.  More importantly, dogs do not have to be left out unless you let it happen.  Babywearing is a great way to get out with the dogs and once we put the baby down to sleep at night it's cuddle time with the dogs. 

 

Finally, there are many different ways to be a parent.  You don't have to be the parent that does "kid" stuff.  My father never went to a birthday party or did any "kid" stuff with us that I remember, but he did take us to collect pond scum to look at under a microscope, taught me how to cross country ski, read Greek myths to us at night, and took me on my first motorcycle ride.  So I would think perhaps less in terms of what you have to give up to become a parent and more about the wonderful ways your unique talents, interests, and loves could help mold a pretty cool little human being. 

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#15 of 20 Old 10-16-2012, 08:54 AM
 
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I'm so sorry you're having a rough time.

 

I got pregnant very intentionally with my daughter, and yet, once I was pregnant, I still FREAKED OUT. I felt like I'd made a huge mistake. I felt like my life was ruined. I considered terminating my pregnancy. (This is particularly crazy when you realize that I actually bought sperm from a sperm bank to get pregnant- that's how intentional it was, and I was still freaked out.) I think that, particularly in the first trimester, feeling upset, depressed, and freaked out about the whole thing is really, really normal. There was actually some research done recently that suggests that prepartum depression is much more common than anyone previously realized. So, it's normal to be feeling really freaked, especially since you're not sure you want to be a parent anyway.

 

So, a couple things. I was also in a PhD program when I got pregnant. Finishing took me a year longer than anticipated, but I did it. In some ways, having my daughter made me MORE productive while I was at school- my time to work seemed precious in a way that I couldn't have previously fathomed. My institution was great, and gave me an additional year of a proctorship to help me get there.

 

I swam, hiked, and rode my bike everywhere throughout my pregnancy. People thought I was nuts, but I did it. The day I went into labor, I swam a mile. My belly got big (obviously), but the rest of me pretty much stayed the same. Three weeks after my daughter was born, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. The strength and tone took longer, but it's doable. (And I'm not, for the record, a competitive athlete- you'll be fine.) Also, you can train for your birth sort of like a sporting event. I got really into preparing for a natural childbirth, almost as if it was a competitive sport.
 

Before having a kid, I did not have any friends with kids, and did not find other people's children particularly interesting. After having kids, I made SOME kid friends, but also kept my extended circle of non-kid friends. One challenge that I faced, and it sounds like you will too, is that my non-kid friends didn't always get that my life had changed in some ways. They would call to ask me to do the same things we used to do, and be frustrated when we couldn't. That was hard. Having some cool kid-friends helped in that regard, as did having some non-kid friends who got it, and were willing to readjust what our friendships looked like.

 

The hardest part for me was losing my "me time." I'm not gonna lie. It was hard. Really hard. But you get through that first year, and it gets better. Now my daughter is four, and I love being a parent. We have so much fun together, doing the things that I love doing. And, it sounds like you have a very supportive partner, which is HUGE. I try to carve out patches of me time still, and because I have a partner who supports me, this is possible. Whether its going on a solo retreat, or just going to a conference and staying in a hotel by myself, I find those spaces of along time. They are more precious now, for sure, but they're still there.

 

You will find your community, and your kindred spirits. Your life will change, dramatically, but you will weather it. Come here for support. It's going to be okay.


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#16 of 20 Old 10-17-2012, 09:41 AM
 
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You have received a lot of encouragement and support here, which is awesome, and truly why MDC rocks!

 

I just wanted to support the other side of the argument --  if you truly don't think parenthood is right for you than you can also listen to that and look into other options. A child is indeed going to mean your lifestyle will be changed, as everyone has said, and your child will indeed have to come before your dogs. If the enormous responsibility of a child is not something you are ready to take on, that is okay, you can listen to that too. People on this forum have been through almost everything imaginable, and will offer help and guidance no matter what path you end up taking.


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#17 of 20 Old 10-17-2012, 11:02 AM
 
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You have received a lot of encouragement and support here, which is awesome, and truly why MDC rocks!

 

I just wanted to support the other side of the argument --  if you truly don't think parenthood is right for you than you can also listen to that and look into other options. A child is indeed going to mean your lifestyle will be changed, as everyone has said, and your child will indeed have to come before your dogs. If the enormous responsibility of a child is not something you are ready to take on, that is okay, you can listen to that too. People on this forum have been through almost everything imaginable, and will offer help and guidance no matter what path you end up taking.

 

Yes, this too. There will be support no matter how you proceed, and you will be okay.


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#18 of 20 Old 10-17-2012, 11:25 AM
 
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As I read in your other post I too was big on animals, sports, outdoors, and hanging out with the guys while growing up. 

Today as an adult I still love the outdoors, animals, sports and I have a baby who I also love beyond what any words can possibly communicate to you.  All I can say is it is so true you will love your own kid like nothing anyone can prepare you for. 

I also have dogs who are very loved.   Over the past decade we also are big on traveling with dogs like you said.  My dogs still have a great life.  My dogs are extremely high energy, big, and require a lot on many levels.  With all their gear and their needs it isn't hard to sometimes start feeling like a soccer mom to dogs.  I also do dog sports, train, and title multiple dogs.  Since the addition of a baby overall everyone is doing good.

You aren't alone, people do this all the time.  Thousands of households successfully have a happy baby and happy dogs.  You have time to ease into every stage without jumping to worrying about the child running around the dogs or getting him or her up for school already as expressed in your post.  Also, if you know dog behavior and pack dynamics that really helps.  It will be OK.  You might even appreciate your dogs even more as you see more layers and dimensions into their personalities.     


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#19 of 20 Old 10-17-2012, 11:28 AM
 
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2. Herding dogs

  -My one dog hates children and will nip them if they run, the other is neutral. My dog came first, her needs are my priority. She needs to feel safe and not be rejected as a part of the family. It's not to say that we can't accomplish a peaceful household, but it would be a TON of work and a lot of stress, on top of all the other crap I already have going on.

 

 

Puppies are so much fun :)

 

 

I'm sorry, I know you may be feeling overwhelmed at all of this. But if you have a baby, your dog's need are not going to come first. They just can't. Your baby needs to be safe 1st and foremost, over all of your dogs. If your house was on fire - would you save your child or your dogs first? If can't honestly say your child, maybe you should look into other options. I'm not trying to be mean or negative, just honest. You don't want your child growing up feeling like less of a priority to you than a dog. That child will end up resenting you!  I know things can change once the baby comes, and you may change your entire outlook on babies once yours arrives, but this is all something you need to think about. Yes, babies & dogs can live harmoniously in a household, but as a mother, your child's needs must always come first.

 

And if you think puppies are so much fun, babies are too. After all, puppies are just baby dogs right?  


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#20 of 20 Old 10-17-2012, 11:37 AM
 
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A friend of mine found herself in a strikingly similar situation about a decade ago.  She and her husband were happily married, financially stable, busy adults.  They had talked about having children but in the future sense--not the here and now.  Then she unexpectedly got pregnant.  After many months of agonizing, she and her husband decided to place the child for adoption.  It was a heart-wrenching decision for sure.  It was met with resistance from many of their friends and family.  She and her husband spent a long time exploring options, researching, talking to others, etc. and this is the decision that they felt was best for everyone involved.  Then, eight years later, they decided to have children and raise them.  They now have two additional little girls whom they are raising, and everyone is doing great.  They felt that having children was the correct decision, but the timing was not right for the first one.  They still express gratitude that adoption was an available option for them and that, as hard as it was, it really was the correct decision for their individual situation.

 

Please understand, I'm not saying that you have to place the child for adoption, or even that you should.  I'm simply stating that someone else made that decision at one point.  Adoption is one of many options that you can consider if you would like to.

 

There are many ways to parent and no one right way to do so.  Children (and dogs!) (and you!) are extremely capable of adaptation and change.  Good luck in whatever path you choose!

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