Arguing with spouse, just rough times overall - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 11-04-2012, 01:21 AM - Thread Starter
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Just needing a little support I guess. I have a few health issues and this pregnancy was unplanned, so it has been causing a lot of stress for us. Some days, when I'm doing better health-wise, we are happy, but then when my health is doing poorly, we are at each others' throats. Hubby is going through his own separate stresses, and he lets those get in the way of taking "better" care of me.....and because of my health issues, I do need a lot of help (errands run, food, patience, someone to go on walks with me (it makes a huge difference with my inflammation), etc). Then I get upset at him when he doesn't help. I feel badly, because he is dealing with a lot, in taking care of me. But it's hard for me to suffer and know he could be helping more. :( That hurts my feelings. I think to myself, must be nice to wake up feeling great then blow off your pregnant wife. Then my anger brews. Then I explode.


But I also get mad at him for thinking "his" separate issues are the end of the world, because they sound like fluffy issues compared to me going down a health spiral. Trust me, they are stupid complaints. And he gets soooo caught up in them, whiney, etc. He spends time on the phone with his brother, and his brother somehow makes him believe hubby's issues are the end of the world. I tell him to stop talking to his brother, because it's causing him to become gloomy (I think the relationship is toxic, because hubby's brother is very jealous of hubby and so says nasty and demeaning things), but of course hubby almost seems addicted to talking to his bro and being fed negativity. And then I get mad at him for whining and throwing a pity party, when I need him to run an errand. :( It is just a loose-loose. My health goes downhill without his help, or with his help, he has no time for himself (and I don't want it to be all about me).


We have no one here to help us. We have considered hiring a home health aide or a personal assistant, but it's very borderline if we could afford it or not. On the days hubby is happy to help, we both think, why hire someone? :( But then we have days like today, that are so bad, that I threaten getting an abortion and moving across the country to go live with my parents. :(


I don't even know where to begin making any of this better......


Just the stress of it all is affecting my health. We waste time fighting, but I am just so angry. :( I can't take care of myself and it is frustrating. I "need" the help, and not getting it is making me fall apart.

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#2 of 3 Old 11-04-2012, 07:24 AM
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I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this.  It sounds to me like it might be time to bring in outside help.  You might qualify for government benefits you don't know about -- it would be worth checking with a counselor at your local government office (I can't tell where you're located, so I can't be more specific).  Even if it would be tight, it sounds like a personal assistant or home health aide would be a really important investment for your family.  Your husband sounds like he's dealing with a lot of guilt and stress.  Even if whatever issues he is struggling with are not as serious as yours, no one wants to feel like they can't vent.  It's important that you both get taken care of.  And whether you know it or not, that you feel his issues are "fluffy" and "stupid" probably comes across in your conversations with him, making him feel even more unimportant. 


If you really can't afford paid help, reach out to church groups or neighborhood associations.  Many will provide rides to grocery stores or help running errands.  A neighbor may be willing to spend an hour a week helping with laundry, etc.  It's worth putting it out there.  There may also be non-profit organizations in your city that do precisely this kind of work.


Finally, have you talked about or planned how you are going to take care of things when the baby arrives?  If things are so borderline now in terms of getting your needs met and getting things done, you need a serious plan for how things are going to work when the baby arrives.  If your health issues result in a difficult labor and delivery, you might need full time help for at least a few weeks, for example.  It would be important to sit down with your husband and think about options.  Another set of ears can help: many local and state governments (if you are in the U.S., and I assume it's the same for Canada) have income-tested counseling services.  They can help you weigh your options and find support services.


It sounds like a tough situation, but there are a lot of resources out there.  Good luck and keep us posted.

Beautiful baby girl born 8/13/2012. Little star baby lost at 10 weeks pregnant, 12/18/2013. Rainbow baby girl born 12/22/2014.
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#3 of 3 Old 11-05-2012, 12:00 AM
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LilyTIger offered excellent advice- I'm sorry I have nothing further to add :( *hugs* I hope everything works out for you and your DH- sending my best wishes your way!

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