Am I just being hormonal? another problem with partner thread. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 4 Old 11-07-2012, 10:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm about 25 weeks pregnant with my 5th, my partners first.  I'm just having lots of issues with my partner.

Please help me out with your thoughts on this.

 

We've been together a little over a year now, so we had been together for about 6 months or so before I got pregnant. As ill thought out as it was, this pregnancy was planned.  We lost a baby a few months before.

 

Now we are fighting all the time and I can't stand the fact that I allowed myself to get pregnant. 

 

First a little background:

 

From the very start of our relationship I was very clear about how I wanted to parent, I shared my values very clearly.  I even showed him books that are in alignment with parenting values.  "Connection Parenting" "Easy to Love, Difficult to discipline" etc.  Basically I just don't want to follow the authoritarian model of parenting,  I'm not permissive either, although many would claim that I am.  I just think it's fair to give children explanations,  sometimes they point out to me that my explanations don't make sense and then I realize that maybe I'm saying no just because it's habit and wanting to control.  I like to say yes to my kids and treat them as equals to adults.  They deserve respect, how else are they supposed to learn it.  I do say no sometimes but not as often as most parents. 

 

He agreed to read the books and that he would level with me on parenting values and follow my lead and respect my boundaries around my children.

Well as soon as I got pregnant, everything changed.  He talks mean to my kids (not abusive, just abrasive), says no to them automatically and then gets mad when they want an explanation and he gets even more upset when they argue with his explanation.  I know that most people think kids should just listen without arguing and do what there parents say no matter what.  I just don't buy into that. 

Now he says that it is his parenting values and it's too hard for him to change because that's how he was raised. 

 

OMFG!  why didn't you tell me that before we got pregnant!!

I can't help but be snappy with him a lot.  I've tried so many times to have a normal conversation with him.  He just gets defensive.  I hardly ever get any empathy, compassion, support for my position that I'm in now.

UGGH

 

How am I supposed to raise a child with someone who doesn't have the same parenting values?

Oh yeah, and he never read the books.

I am so angry, I want to kick him out.  I even thought about adoption (I wouldn't do that but I did think about it)

I am so upset because I'm not experiencing my last pregnancy the way I wanted.

I wanted to be pampered.

Not argue about parenting all the time.

 

We have other issues as well that only showed up after the pregnancy, before that everything was almost perfect. 

We were in love!!

Now he is unreliable in keeping his agreements.

Doesn't know how to communicate.  I use NVC and have been studying communication for years and can usually communicate effectively with someone who has trouble communicating.  I can usually decipher and interpret what they say.

With my partner now it's just soooo HARD!  I don't understand how I allowed this to happen.

I'm usually very self-connected and can tell if a situation will work out for me. 

 

Not to mention we are homesteading, living off-grid, practically camping. 

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#2 of 4 Old 11-08-2012, 12:17 PM
 
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Honestly, I think you got too used to doing things your way. Being with someone is very hard work, it is not usually easy. I have trouble with my husband often and we have conflicts on how we raise our kids and other things and we work through them. I have learned that I must lower my expectations if I want things to work and I must compromise. So, really, if you want things to work out you have to express your feelings and listen to his and you have to let go of some of your control and be willing to possibly accept some of his imperfections. You cannot make someone be like you. I am willing to bet that he is turned off by your attitude and may be closing off for that reason. I don't know you personally or him for that matter, but I'm just trying to give you some things to think about. You know how much they apply to your situation. If you truly love someone, you will be willing to work things out. With the exception of abuse of course.


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#3 of 4 Old 11-09-2012, 10:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Honestly, I think you got too used to doing things your way.

 

Yes maybe you're right.  I def don't want to be a victim in this I want to take full responsibility for my life.  I'm sure a lot of it is hormones and it's just taking me by surprise because with the other pregnancies I was in a dream state the whole time and love it.  This is different. Maybe because I have a new partner and I'm not as young and as naive as I used to be. 

 

We are both happy to be a having a child. 

My other kids (ages 15,10,8,5) love my partner and they don't like the way he talks sometimes but they don't want him to go either. 

We have a lot of work to do, but sometimes I think I'm the only one trying to change, and that bothers me.

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#4 of 4 Old 11-10-2012, 06:11 AM
 
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It may seem like you are putting more into it than he is, but you can't necessarily look at it that way or you'll be miserable. It isn't very often that both will put in the same effort at the same time and it's pretty common I think for the woman to have to do more compromising/work than the man for some reason. That's been my experience in looking at many relationships. Best wishes in working through your situation.


Happily married Christian SAHM of 2 boys, DD1 uc.jpg, and DD2 July 2013 homebirth.jpg 

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