Kindof hoping for specific gender, usually a planner, could you hold out and not find out? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 36 Old 12-11-2012, 05:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We have two boys and would welcome a third one but have to admit would be tickled if we had a girl. I am typically the kind of person to find out -- I can't stand the suspense! I am a planner! But, last time, when I found out it was a boy at 20 weeks, I thought I should wait next time if there ever was a next time, because I felt just a little disappointed. I thought at least if I had a sweet baby in my arms, I would be smitten regardless.

 

If all goes well, we may have another. I was originally planning on finding out at 20 weeks because, again, I am a planner! And, I thought, if I am disappointed, at least I will get over it before baby arrives! But, this is most likely last baby and wow wouldn't it be a surprise! I'm thinking I should just plan on having a boy and then wait to see whether I'm surprised.

 

Most people stand pretty clearly on one side of this line or the other (find out or surprise), but what do you think? Would you/could you wait?


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#2 of 36 Old 12-11-2012, 06:29 PM
 
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There have been a lot of threads on this topic.  I wanted a boy and chose not to find out the sex precisely because I knew I would be disappointed during my pregnancy if it was a girl but not disappointed once I had a sweet little person in my arms.  I ended up having a daughter and from the moment she was placed in my arms, it was love.

 

If you think you'll spend the pregnancy wishing something were different, I would just wait and let those wonderful birthing/love hormones go to work when the babe is born.  If you're at risk for PPD the answer might be different.


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#3 of 36 Old 12-11-2012, 06:29 PM
 
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No way, I'd never be able to wait! I'd be happy regardless of the sex of course but might need a little adjusting time before actually holding my babe.

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#4 of 36 Old 12-11-2012, 06:46 PM
 
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With my first I was dying to know, same reason, I wanted to plan. At my 20 week scan she was moving so much they couldn't get a clear picture and the tech told us she was 60% sure it was a girl. Which of course are about the same odds as flipping a coin, I wasn't convinced and I bought gender neutral clothing and I ended up having a girl.

 

With our second, it took us 4 years to conceive and we were just so excited to actually get pregnant we both felt that it would be great to genuinely be surprised this time. DD, who is now 6, really wanted to know at first, once I told her that it would be the best surprise EVER (she loves surprises) she was on board too. I've had to have multiple ultrasounds and I've been tempted a couple of times to find out but DH has never wavered in wanting to wait, and I like the idea of letting this be the surprise on delivery day so with each ultrasound I've asked them to tell me when to look away. No one in my family could believe that I wanted to wait, I was the kid who would pick the lock on the closet where my parents hid the Xmas presents because I HAD to know what was in there, lol. We also aren't sharing names that we've picked out either, which is driving them crazy, but it just feels right to me so I'm going with it. If I can wait 9 months to meet my little one, then they can wait to find out too :)
 

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#5 of 36 Old 12-11-2012, 07:56 PM
 
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I would first have to say that there is a difference (for me) between kind of hoping for a certain gender and really wanting a certain gender.  With both previous pregnancies we have kind of hoped for a boy.  (we have 2 girls)  With pregnancy #2 I was ok with not finding out in part because there was a possibility of a 3rd pregnancy.  It's important to DH to find out so we did. 

This time is our last, no negotiations.  Unless there is an act of God, no more babies will come from my womb.  We both REALLY want a boy this time.  Like someone else posted, we will absolutely love a daughter but it just helps us to have time to process and adjust to the idea.  We find out next Tuesday. 


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#6 of 36 Old 12-11-2012, 08:20 PM
 
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I couldnt not find out if I was that set on one gender. 

 

This time, we really, really wanted a boy and when we found out that we were having two girls it was not pretty. DH left the room and cried because he was so upset. Im really, really glad that didnt happen at my bedside after giving birth. 


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#7 of 36 Old 12-11-2012, 09:59 PM
 
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Everyone is different of course but I'm firmly in the surprise camp. I've done the anatomical US with DD and had a couple of follow up US too. I started each appointment with "we don't know the gender and it's very important for us not to find out. Please try not to say or show anything that would reveal it." We are expecting baby #2 and will keep the gender a surprise again. DH would like a boy but he doesn't really have his heart set on it and I'm very indifferent: I just want a happy and healthy little person. For me there are so few genuinely good surprises out there that I just can't pry into this one. Baby knows so little about us, I think it's only fair to meet in person before finding things out. Maybe I'm weird but for me a baby is a baby and essentials (carseat, stroller/carrier, bassinet/crib, diapers, etc) are gender neutral so knowing gender really doesn't help. A former coworker of mine told me she regretted finding out and that really struck a chord with me.
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#8 of 36 Old 12-11-2012, 10:04 PM
 
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I'm a planner too, so for us, it's not an option to not find out, especially since we have 3 girls already. Most of our bigger equipment is gender neutral since we tend to prefer that anyway, but we every piece of clothing we've ever been given in the last 13 years has pretty much been pink lol. So, if we've got a boy in here, I need to know about it so he can have something besides dresses to wear. For the record, I don't have a problem with boys wearing pink but it might get a little awkward if that's ALL he wore winky.gif


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#9 of 36 Old 12-12-2012, 09:07 AM
 
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This is my third pregnancy and will be my third surprise at birth. I have 2 boys at home and don't really have any gender preference. I have enough green, yellow onesies since we didn't know the sexes of the other babies either that I could manage for quite awhile.
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#10 of 36 Old 12-12-2012, 11:27 AM
 
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I'm leaning towards finding out this time.  It was a surprise the first time around and that was really fun.  However, circumstances are different this time, I got rid of all my baby stuff because I didn't think DH was going to agree to a second (surprise!), so it would be helpful to gather the clothes sooner rather than later from friends (I have a LOT of friends with girls, boys - not so much).  And while it will be a good long while after baby is born since we co-sleep, we have some major rearranging to do in our small-ish house depending on gender.  Plus I really think it would help DS to know (or not, I don't know).

 

With all that said, I think if I had a particular gender preference, and I didn't have all of the above logistics to worry about?  I don't think I'd find out.  I think I'd wait until I saw that beautiful scrunched up face.


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#11 of 36 Old 12-12-2012, 11:41 AM
 
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I am expecting #3, who will be surprise #3. I have one of each thus far.

I am a super planner and it felt good to let it go. I know I have clothes for both (though not newborn summer cloths) and I will shop the bag sale at the consignment sale I manage to satisfy my tiny clothes craving (and get to do it in all the cuteness of both).

I also have an issue with me giving post womb names to my babies, before they are out (they seem to fragile and special for regular names) so not knowing helps there too.

I really want to sew for this one and wish I knew. But I will stay on track.

 

If I was really hankering for one gender, I would lean more to waiting, when you are so thrilled about baby, and baby being out. But PPD would probably swing it the other way. If I did find out, I would set up a few cheerleaders who would help me be genuinely excited about the outcome I was not looking forward too.


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#12 of 36 Old 12-12-2012, 12:50 PM
 
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Haven't read any other replies yet, but I get you...I am a planner as well.  A ridiculous control-freak, perfectionist planner.  I love the idea of surprises, but in reality would rather know they are coming. LOL

 

That said...we have never found out with any of ours, and won't find out with this one.  I just feel like THIS is the one REAL surprise left in life, and I don't want to ruin that.  I know some people say it's still a surprise when you find out via u/s, but I don't feel the same way.  To me, anticipating the birth of the baby and the excitement of learning WHO was in there the whole time is just one of those things you can't get anywhere else.  Plus, there's no risk of preparing for a boy/girl and birthing the opposite. ;)

 

Also, I've never had any trouble bonding with my babies without knowing if they are boys or girls.  I don't think there is anything wrong with calling baby "it" every now and then, or not having a specific name for baby.  To me, I love each of my little ones so much that I have no need to address them a certain way, they are so precious to me just being there. 

 

Preparing for an "unknown" gender isn't difficult at all...plus IMO I prefer to have neutral clothing and decor items because they can ALWAYS be used in the future or passed on to anybody without restrictions.  I also have fun buying baby stuff AFTER baby comes (I'm just like that), and I know my family and friends who like to spoil us enjoy it as well, because then that little baby is it's own little person with a personality and appearance that can't be predicted before birth. :)


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#13 of 36 Old 12-12-2012, 01:04 PM
 
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My third baby, and my third surprise too! I love, love, love the moment that mama, baby, family meet and discover a little bit about who this person is. I an tempted to find out prenatally, but the reward is just too, too sweet to give up. I always wanted only girls, had a girl, then a boy, and hope for a girl this time. but I know from experience that I will love him/her the same.

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#14 of 36 Old 12-12-2012, 02:28 PM
 
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No waiting if I don't have to. I am not good with patience... :)


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#15 of 36 Old 12-13-2012, 12:26 PM
 
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I think you have to do what you think will work best for you. For me, I would and am going to find out, this pregnancy wlll be our last and I want all the clothes & stuff either organized and ready for new babies or shipped off to my Mom's for the next girl baby, that sort of thing it's compounded by the fact that with having surprise twins, I've had enough surprises! Also, for me I do better if I have time to adjust to news. I was actually hoping for a girl which I got with my first, but I still was glad I got to have time to mourn the loss of the potential of having a boy and get good and excited about having a girl. Some folks though they would be feeling sad/regretful/etc. the whole rest of the pregnancy and I think a surprise would probably work better for them.

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#16 of 36 Old 12-13-2012, 11:11 PM
 
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I always thought I would wait to find out but dp had other plans. I have a boy and a girl and now we just found out the sex of our third. I have been sort of disappointed each time. I realized just last week when I found out boy or girl, I am not disappointed with the reality, but more sad for the possibility of the one we won't be having. I realized I should have waited each time and just welcomed the new baby instead of having 20 weeks to think about what will not be.

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#17 of 36 Old 12-14-2012, 04:59 AM
 
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I'm one of those uber planning, organized people. All 4 times, I've never found out. With the first two children, I really didn't care what the gender was. When I was pg with #3, I did have a secret longing for a another girl and when I got a boy. I did take me back for a little while, but it was fine. I think it was more like, 6 years of girls and now there is a penis, what do I do with it! I debated with #4 about finding out, I had never even debated before. In the end, I decided that I didn't want to know about of time. I ended up with 2 girls and then 2 boys. 


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#18 of 36 Old 12-14-2012, 05:21 AM
 
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With DS we found out... Just didn't see a reason not to.  With the next baby, we didn't, and it was one of my happiest memories to have DH discover the gender.  (I had totally forgotten to check!)  This is our third and our last baby and I am hoping for another moment of DH discovering it.  We are planning on a hospital birth this time, whereas last time we had the baby at home.  He's dropped to me that he feels a little left out that the OB's policy is that he is the one that has to catch, and he's grumbled a little about "letting another man do his job" - which I think is adorable.  I hope that if DH does get to discover the baby's gender again, this time, he'll feel a little more included in the process.

 

I wouldn't have been devastated if he had wanted to find out early, though.  But I can only say that for purely logistical reasons, this one BETTER be a girl - because 75% of the clothes we have saved from the previous kids are girl clothes.  (Unless he/she is a very different size than his/her siblings, they're perfect because they were all born in the same season.) And while the "nursery" is decorated in as gender neutral tones as I could do, it still looks a little girly to me.  (I just repurposed things that were already in our house instead of going out and buying new things.) 

 

DH is hoping for a boy though, and says he doesn't mind dressing the kid in a pink kittycat onsie for the first few months anyway.  :)

 

(DS is hoping for a boy, DD for a girl, so we're tied!)

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#19 of 36 Old 12-18-2012, 09:48 AM
 
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With my first, I really wanted to find out because my husband and I had differences of opinion on the issue of circumcision, and I wanted the extra time to work it out if we were having a boy. Well...we thought we had found out (two separate techs told us they were upwards of 90% sure!), but after months of planning for a girl (nursery, dresses, pink pacifiers, the works), my little man came out all boy! Needless to say it was quite a shock. Kind of a huge lesson in letting go for me (I would have been perfectly happy with either gender, but was really nervous about having an argument with my husband so soon after birth, LOL). Fortunately everything worked out beautifully (we decided against circ'ing), and my mom had plenty of baby boy clothes to pass on to me. :)

 

Second time around, DH wanted to find out, so we did, but I didn't feel the need to because I already knew he was a boy!

 

Skip ahead to this pregnancy, and I know just how you feel! DH left it up to me this time, and I decided NOT to find out. I keep struggling with the issue, though. There hasn't been a baby girl on my side of the family for 10 years, so my mom and sisters all really want this one to be a girl. It would be exciting for sure, but I think part of the reason I decided not to find out was just how strongly THEY all felt about it...I'll be happy either way, but I don't want to deal with *their* disappointment halfway through my pregnancy, you know?? Honestly I'm kinda feeling like it IS a girl, but I think it's more exciting to stick it out and wait, so that's what I plan on! I still have plenty of girl stuff (kept it all just in case, lol) and boy stuff, so I don't have to worry about that aspect. Just trying to sit back and enjoy a non-eventful (please, God!) pregnancy.

 

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#20 of 36 Old 12-19-2012, 11:38 AM
 
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Found out with my first, because I wanted to know what kind of clothes to buy.  I really appreciate garage sale and clearance finds, and that's easier when you can do it ahead of time.  DD had tons of nice clothes, most for 25c each.  Still went gender neutral with all of the big stuff.

 

Wanted to find out with my 2nd, but she didn't cooperate.  DH got to see first and say what it was. 

 

I still don't know which is better!  I love the idea of a surprise, but I also love to prepare.  Especially when sewing my own stuff, it's nice to know.  DD2's delivery itself was a bit of a surprise (full term, but a very fast labor, following a very long one), so I feel like the birth moment was big enough either way.   I do like the idea of making all the family wait.  Not circing would be an issue for DH, so it'd be nice to work that out ahead of time, but maybe just refusing after delivery would avoid a disagreement during the pregnancy.  IDK, we'll probably find out again, anyway.

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#21 of 36 Old 12-23-2012, 06:26 AM
 
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We found out with our first 2 pregnancies that we were having boys. Yeah, I always wanted boys. I thought hubby wanted a girl the second time but he always says he doesn't care. Unfortunately our second died at 37 weeks so I ABSOLUTELY want another boy. I'm surprised that I care so much about the sex, their health and making it in the world is what matters. But I guess I want my little boy. I do get PPD and I'm a super planner (I obviously have everything I need for a boy) so I'm sure we will find out. I don't think I can deal with the anxiety of not knowing. The whole family wants a girl sooo bad. If we don't find out I don't want to be so proud of having a healthy boy in my arms and hearing rude comments like oh another boy. I just couldn't handle that. If we do have a girl the fam is going to super spoil her and I will need time to process it. Hubby is super protective so I can't imagine a girl. Our 2 yo
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#22 of 36 Old 12-23-2012, 06:29 AM
 
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Continued... Our 2 year old keeps saying he wants a gurl. So cute. Typing this really makes me excited for the 20 wk marker
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#23 of 36 Old 12-23-2012, 05:04 PM
 
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I have two boys and am pregnant with my third child. We did find out with #1 and #2. I did feel some disappointment when we found out we were having a boy the second time. We are planning to find out this time because I worry that if we found out at the birth that there would still be a bit of disappointment and I don't want that to be part of my memories of the birth. We will also need some time to come up with a boy's name!

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#24 of 36 Old 02-06-2013, 09:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone for your replies! I am definitely leaning towards not finding out--I just hope I can hold out until the end! Words of encouragement welcome! Lol!

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#25 of 36 Old 02-06-2013, 09:11 PM
 
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I found out both times.  I wasn't going to the second time, but knew the shock of having a boy would kind of floor me and, sure enough, it was a boy and I was very suprised :)

 

On the one hand, I was glad I found out and dealt with the mixed feelings while I was still pregnant.  I don't know how I would have reacted if I went the whole pregnancy plannign on a girl and then found out he was a boy on top of a long labor,etc. 

 

On the other, I am sad I never got a chance to be surprised at the birth.  If we have another (not planning on it) I will definitely let it be a surprise this time, but it would be easier for me because I wouldn't be hoping for one or the other. 


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#26 of 36 Old 02-07-2013, 10:55 AM
 
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My suggestion is that if you do find out, ask them to wait until the end. That way you can enjoy your scan and see your baby without any disappointment. Maybe by the end of the scan, you will be connected enough where you wont even care. Telling the gender right away, IMO, is not a good experience if you are hoping for a certain gender.

Another option, if finances allow, is to not find out gender and wait till the third trimester for a private gender scan. If you can afford, seeing a 3d pic might melt away any disappointment. If not able, many places will scan for gender only for $50. This way you will have enjoyed your pregnancy, gotten attached to your baby, and still will have everything ready in terms of planning and getting ready.

I do hope that seeing a baby will melt anything negative away, but I have heard a few that were so sure it was what they hoped for, that when it was the opposite at birth, they did take some time to bond. I think that is the minority, but with all those hormones, I would still consider it. Good luck and congratulations.
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#27 of 36 Old 02-08-2013, 03:20 AM
 
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When do u have your scan porcelina? I know u might not find out but just wondering as we r close. Mine- 3/8
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#28 of 36 Old 02-08-2013, 06:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi J and J's Mommy! -- well, I just got blood drawn for the Maternit21 trisomy screening and they do give gender results if you want them! I am thinking I will ask her to send me the results in the mail so I can decide whether to open them, and if I do, I would do it with my hubby rather than just listening to the results over the phone. I don't have my 20 scan set up yet...
 

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#29 of 36 Old 02-08-2013, 03:53 PM
 
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Porcelina they did a big blood draw at 14 weeks for me-I didnt even ask what it was for, 5 viles. Was part of that trisomy 21? Not sure if that is standard? U think I could find out now if I wanted? Wait a minute nevermind that would not make any sense. Haha on me. I can wait until march 8, 27 days to go.
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#30 of 36 Old 02-08-2013, 04:03 PM
 
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The big blood test for me was routine baseline stuff: iron, fasting glucose, immunities and I think screening for STDs. The genetic type testing isn't standard (at least here), it's something they offer but will not insist on. DH and I have declined the screenings because we feel that the results wouldn't change how we proceed with the pregnancy. I think you probably need to ask if you're interested in the additional screenings.
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