I want to be happy about this pregnancy but... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 02-28-2013, 08:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am due around October 1.

I am 38 years old. I have 5 children, they are 19, 17, 6, 3, and almost 2.

This time, I have been so sick! nausea, fatigue, constant headaches, depression, and overall un-well.

 My husband works full time and does not help with housework or childcare. I am so behind on everything! dishes, laundry, cleaning, even spending time with has children has all suffered because there are times I literally cannot move. I have been barely eating, showering, or caring for myself. I feel like I'm barely hanging on.

Even though, I have asked for help, he refuses, saying, he shouldn't be required to work all day at work and then come home to do it all!

I'm not sure if it is age related, or just a different type of pregnancy and baby. All I know is I can barely make it through the day, and have considered moving out so I would have a break during visitations with their dad.

For example last night, he asked me if I had changed the sheets, I had left them in the laundry. He laid on the couch and waited for me to get up and make the bed, so he could go to bed.

I need some encouragement or advice. This should be a happy time, but I feel so alone and sad!

thanks for listening. it helps to get it out.

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#2 of 23 Old 02-28-2013, 08:33 AM
 
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I feel your pain mama no advice but my partner is the same way. Maybe leave so he realizes he will have to take care of this stuff when your not there.
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#3 of 23 Old 02-28-2013, 08:42 AM
 
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Can you hire someone to help you? I realize it's not something everyone can afford but if he's not going to help then maybe he can fork over the money so you can get some help. Or maybe there is family around that can help?

Perhaps next time don't change the sheets. He can wait or do it himself.

I'm so sorry. This post makes me so sad. I hope you are able to get some help. Whatever you do, don't feel guilty about not being able to "do it all". Your husband has you under an impossible standard. The reality is, you are already superwoman! What else does he expect? He's certainly not acting like a superman.

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#4 of 23 Old 02-28-2013, 08:44 AM
 
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BTW, I'm 38 and pregnant as well. :-) And I feel super lousy with only ONE child to look after. I have help with the house and with the little one. In my book, you really are a superhero!!!!

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#5 of 23 Old 02-28-2013, 11:39 AM
 
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I'm so sorry you are going through this alone. Just the fact that you already have 5 kids, 2 of them toddlers,  would be exhausting when pregnant. I'm 29 weeks and have a 5 year old, and have had a really rough time, especially in my first trimester. I felt HORRIBLE- no energy, really nauseous, depressed, cried all the time...I could barely get off the couch each day to fix dinner. My husband was so mad at me, and completely unsympathetic. He kept saying if I'd just get up and try to do stuff I'd feel better, but it didn't work. He has never helped around the house, with dinners, or with our daughter. Says that's my department. I really do understand what you are going through (minus 4 kids). What helped me was talking about it and making sure I had a support network...which wasn't easy, because I live in a tiny little town and my family is 3,000 mi away. During my first midwife visit, I ended up crying on her shoulder for 2 hours, and it felt to good to be able to talk to someone. She was so nice and understanding, and it really made me feel better. She also had some practical advice- I had only been taking a prenatal vit each day, but she recommended also taking vit B and fish oil. So I did, and the difference it made was amazing. My husband is still unsupportive, but I have more energy and can function. I think making it through the first trimester made a difference, too. I felt great all throughout my second, but now that I'm going into my third, I've been weepy and sort of depressed again. 

I didn't mean to write so much, but wanted to let you know that you are not alone- please reach out to anyone who's ever been nice to you, or friends, or family, or even your older kids...let them know you need help. Your husband should be a major leg in your support network, but if he's unwilling to be there for you, you have every right to find it elsewhere. Hang in there!

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#6 of 23 Old 03-01-2013, 07:22 AM
 
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i second what the other woman said about nutrition. please make sure you are eating a huge salad almost every day to keep your nutrition up, and keep you "regular" so your feces doesn't sit in your colon too long, letting the toxins from your feces leak into your bloodstream, making you feel worse.

 

i am SO sorry you have to go through this with your dh. why is it that husbands don't realize that they work all day long, and then get a break of 8 hrs at night, but moms work all day long and all night long. we never get a break!!! ugh!!!!!

 

also, perhaps have a friend help you out. accept any help anyone extends. or hire a teenager who needs gas money. they work for cheap! lol! when i was a teenager, i would've helped out a mom-in-need like you for cheap! (helped clean, cook a meal, or play with the littles, so they get attention and i get a break from them.)

 

good luck honey! i will keep you in my prayers...
 


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#7 of 23 Old 03-01-2013, 07:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I totally didn't think about eating better. I know it sounds silly, but when I can barely move, I don't grab much to eat that isn't already premade, such as a yogurt, cheese stick, banana, or canned soup. I should go out to the store and buy some salad stuff. I have had problems with going to the bathroom regularly. I hate having to get dressed, drive all the way there with the kids in tow. It is worth it though. I need to do it. Thanks for the encouragement!

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#8 of 23 Old 03-01-2013, 07:58 AM
 
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Okay, your husband is a huge ******** jerk. I'm pretty mad.

 

He thinks that working at his job entitles him to be waited on while he's at home doing nothing? Um, NO. Here's how labour division works.

 

9-5

Husband: does job

You: do home things

 

after 5

Husband: does half of home things

You: do half of home things

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#9 of 23 Old 03-01-2013, 08:00 AM
 
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Also where are your damn teenagers? They don't feel a little bit sorry for their puking mom?

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#10 of 23 Old 03-01-2013, 09:03 AM
 
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I'm in full agreement with MichelleZB.  Your husband's behavior is not acceptable, and while improving your nutrition is hugely important, it won't change his apathy.  Has he been this lazy/unsympathetic throughout parenting all the other children, or is this some weird new behavior?  Either way, it's not okay. 

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#11 of 23 Old 03-01-2013, 10:18 AM
 
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I wonder if you have any volunteer doulas in your area? Or maybe someone who does religious outreach? I think that perhaps your family needs an outside perspective to better understand what the next 9 months and the new baby will mean for your family.  It seems to me that you guys are in need of a "plan" that respects the developmental needs of your current children, your husband's need for rest after a day of work, and your needs during this pregnancy for both yourself and your growing child. If I were you, I would also rely on your teenagers more. This is a great time for them to develop skills that will serve them well when they become parents someday. Truly -  the ability to whip a nutritious, delicious and low-cost casserole is an underrated skill !!! 

 

Also, please check back in. Use this place as a sounding board for what you are going to *do* to get you and your family on a healthy path during this exciting but stressful time. It will be hard for everyone but not getting the help you need is no way to go. blowkiss.gif

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#12 of 23 Old 03-01-2013, 12:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks again ladies for your input. I appreciate an outside perspective.

 

Unfortunately my two older boys do not live with me. We recently had to move into a small 2 bedroom home outside of their school district so they chose to live with their grandmother. They are only 10 minutes away but I miss them a lot. My oldest works and is leaving on a mission in april. My 17 year old is busy with school, scouts, and church. He also has aspergers, so he has a hard time with the kids. They do come over occasionally to help out with the kids or whatever. They were with me when I was pregnant with the last 3 and were a huge help! they did dishes, swept, mopped, helped with laundry, and babysat so I could shop or clean, or take a nap. I think they helped mask just how much my husband was NOT helping with!

 

This is not a new behavior, but a reoccurring issue with us. I am usually capable of being super mom and doing pretty much everything all by myself.

This new pregnancy and sickness has kind of amplified my need for him to help and he is showing me how completely negligent to our needs he has become

.

I am looking into some options as far as shelters and rentals go. I am pretty sure that I would be way less stressed and happier on my own without his disfunction.

The truth is, this is the time I NEED him the most and he has really let me down, and shown his true colors

.

I should mention that about 3 weeks ago, he had a verbal outburst to me, in front of the children, and started tossing canned goods from the kitchen at me in the living room. One did end up hitting me in the side/stomach area (about belly button level). I knew that baby would be ok, but the look on my 6 yr old daughter's face just about broke my heart!

 

I think I am just waking up to the way things ARE and not what I think they should or could be with him.

I am so so thankful to have this group to talk to..

I feel pretty alone and discouraged here, always feeling like a failure because the house isn't clean, and supper has been a lot of frozen pizzas and canned soups lately

I need to make some positive changes for ALL of us!

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#13 of 23 Old 03-01-2013, 01:05 PM
 
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Oh wow. You are not a failure. You are strong. You are amazing.

Throwing things at you is never okay, but when you are pregnant? And the baby isn't even here yet. This could be just the tip of the iceberg.

I think you are headed in the right direction for you and your children's sake. You must get into a safe situation. This man is not only unhelpful he is volatile.

Please keep us updated. <3

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#14 of 23 Old 03-01-2013, 01:25 PM
 
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If this is an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy, and you are only about 9 weeks along, have you considered abortion? It sounds like you are being stretched too thin and your husband is abusive. You deserve better, you need to give him an ultimatum. Counseling for the anger and help around the house or you're gone.

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#15 of 23 Old 03-01-2013, 01:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by griffith5 View Post

I am looking into some options as far as shelters and rentals go. I am pretty sure that I would be way less stressed and happier on my own without his disfunction.

The truth is, this is the time I NEED him the most and he has really let me down, and shown his true colors

 

Go, Mama!  His behavior is so wrong.  Good for you, recognizing you'll probably be better off without him. That's a big step. 

 

I urge you to post over at Parents as Partners, and Single Parenting as well.  You'll get more support, more perspective from women who have Been There, Done That and are feeling great on the other side. 


Someone moved my effing cheese.
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#16 of 23 Old 03-01-2013, 07:48 PM
 
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In my last comment, I wrote that abuse in pregnancy is more common than believed. However, I deleted it because I didn't want to offend you or imply something. After your most recent message, I am a bit more concerned. The stress and expense of another baby can become a risk factor for a woman's health and safety. You mentioned that you are a member of church. Is there someone involved with the church that you can speak to confidentially about this? Another person to not overlook is your OB/GYN. They will be connected to resources in your area and will want to hear about how the new pregnancy has affected your home life. While you'll undoubtedly get support on this board, please consider your support network IRL, even if it is just for additional childcare so you can take naps. I am sure you have a guardian angel in your circle. Sometimes all you need to do is ask! A drastic step like moving out might only increase a difficult situation, especially if you are not truly seeking separation or divorce but rather the simple help you need. grouphug.gif jax

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#17 of 23 Old 03-01-2013, 10:57 PM
 
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Would you be happy if your 6 year old daughter grew up and had a relationship like the one you're having right now?

 

If the answer is no, take your children and leave him. Because, honestly, throwing things at you is just a stepping stone to him actually hitting you, and that is no environment to raise children in.


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#18 of 23 Old 03-02-2013, 02:24 AM
 
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Throwing canned goods at you? Those are heavy metal objects! While little kids watched??? I would call the police and file a report in order to start building my case for a future custody battle and get to a shelter.  That's an unforgivable move in my opinion.


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#19 of 23 Old 03-04-2013, 08:06 AM
 
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Originally Posted by griffith5 View Post

.

I should mention that about 3 weeks ago, he had a verbal outburst to me, in front of the children, and started tossing canned goods from the kitchen at me in the living room. One did end up hitting me in the side/stomach area (about belly button level). I knew that baby would be ok, but the look on my 6 yr old daughter's face just about broke my heart!

 

 

If my hubby did that either I'd be out the door or he'd be out on his butt. Children would stay with me. Physical abuse is unacceptable. I would not stay with him. I grew up with my mom getting beat up regularly. Tooth knocked out, hair pulled out, bleeding, broken bones... she stuck it out. I wished every day they would just get divorced. I'd be very concerned by your husband's behavior and I wouldn't expect for it to change. 


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#20 of 23 Old 03-04-2013, 08:29 AM
 
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Sounds like you are having a really hard time.  I was sick when I was pregnant with my first, and couldn't do much of anything, and even with a pretty helpful husband, it was pretty awful.  I'm keeping you in my thoughts, and I hope things get easier for you.  Please try to find someone to confide in IRL, maybe through your church.


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#21 of 23 Old 03-05-2013, 07:11 PM
 
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So how are you doing?
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#22 of 23 Old 03-06-2013, 09:33 PM
 
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Hope you are doing okay, Mama. I saw in your profile you are LDS. Is your dh LDS? Either way, you should definitely talk to your bishop and let him know what is going on, that you need help to get out of your apartment because it is not safe for you and your children. If your husband is a member, the bishop should definitely have a talk with him about how completely unacceptable his behavior is - both the not helping and the violence. Maybe hearing it from someone else will wake him up. But either way, you need to get out of there ASAP. If he is willing to change, you can move back in with him AFTER he has shown that is truly a different person. Right now, he is in serious violation of his covenants and you and your children are just one outburst away from being seriously hurt - no matter what your husband tells you. If your bishop won't listen to you (and hopefully I will, but I know bishops are not perfect), take it up the ladder to your stake president. You need help, and so does your husband. Hugs to you!


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#23 of 23 Old 03-18-2013, 06:58 AM
 
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So how are you doing???? Have you been able to get the help you need? hug2.gif

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