Things never to ask a pregnant woman - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-09-2013, 02:29 PM
 
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"Is this your first baby?" - pretty harmless question, but I hate the look I get when I say it's my third. I'm 30 but people always think I'm a bit younger than that. I had my first at 24...not THAT young, seriously. Plus I want a big family!

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Old 03-09-2013, 03:18 PM
 
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I get that question a lot too Ashlee Rose. The church we just started going to pastor's wife asked me that last Sunday. I told her it was my 4th and she was like, "Oh." LOL

I'm 27. I had my first at 21. I don't think it's that big of a deal, but I guess people are having kids at older ages more often now and also having fewer kids.


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Old 03-10-2013, 04:59 PM
 
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I get that question too.  I'm nearly 32 and on my fourth child.  I wasn't even "that young" with my first at 27.  And I know I don't look young - I don't get carded anymore.

 

My favorite is "don't you know how that happens?"  Ahem, yes.

 

I hate comments on belly size.  Can't you just say the belly looks great?  Not huge?  Not tiny?  Just great?


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Old 03-10-2013, 05:01 PM
 
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Oh yeah and the other dumb comment I got with my first "Don't be a hero."  Really burned when I thought back on it later after my c-section.


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Old 03-10-2013, 08:05 PM
 
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When I was fairly pregnant with DS, my second/first VBAC, about 38 weeks, my mom started telling me how some people never go into labor, and how I should start thinking about that I'd probably need a c-section. I went to 41 weeks, 5 days before he was born, and every. single. day. my mom would call and tell me that. censored.gif Cuss.gif banghead.gif

 

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I haven't gotten any weird questions since I've been pregnant, but we did get some weird questions when we told people we wanted to have a baby.  Like Sphinxy, I am also married to a woman.  A few people asked us if we were going to adopt.  Adoption is wonderful, but my reproductive organs still work just fine, and I have always wanted to have a baby myself.  We were asked if we were going to do IVF.  It's really much simpler than that.  We only needed help getting the sperm where it needs to go.  Someone asked if I was going to have sex with a man.  This was the rudest and dumbest.  The lesbian and married parts kind of exclude having sex with a man.  There are many other ways to get pregnant.  Most of these things I thought were pretty funny and they didn't bother me.  The adoption question bothered me a little, especially because one person thought we should adopt so that the baby would not be biologically related to either of us as opposed to only being related to one of us with the other having no bio connection.  They also asked DW what the baby would be to her.

 

Of the (very few) lesbian couples I know, the couple that I know wanted/were trying for a baby, that was how they were going to do it. Not that I would ever have the gall or be so nosy to ask, but... I can see how that would (could) be something someone might wonder. (More appropriately to themselves, never to ask!)

 

This time, I had to call my OB to reschedule, and they ended up being *very* rude and unprofessional with me, so I decided that (along with various other things) was a valid reason to change my care provider. (Part of the reason they were rude to me was because I wasn't "following their schedule" and would have to go a whole SIX WEEKS without being seen.) The last visit had been good, everything checked out, and I was still doing well, feeling movement regularly, etc. I was frustrated, so when I hung up the phone, I said, "Oh my gosh! They were *so* rude to me! Like it's the end of the world if I miss *one* appointment. Women have been having babies for centuries, and not always had that regular of care." My mom's response? "Yeah, and a lot of those babies died." Gee, thanks. That time, I was able to tell her I was tired of her negativity before I walked out.


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Old 03-10-2013, 10:16 PM
 
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 bmcneal...that website is brilliant.

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Old 03-10-2013, 10:53 PM
 
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I thought any questions from a total stranger were inappropriate. I work retail and got so fed up with being interrogated by everybody (even the basic questions--when are you due, boy or girl, etc. etc.). If we don't even know each other, my body and family are none of your business! Why do you get to quiz me about them just because my status is visible on my front? If I was chatting with somebody for a few minutes and then they asked I didn't mind, but I minded the interrogation. Now I don't ask pregnant clerks or anyone in a customer service role about their pregnancy. 

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Old 03-11-2013, 07:17 AM
 
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 Now I don't ask pregnant clerks or anyone in a customer service role about their pregnancy. 

 

Yeah, I've never asked anyone in their work environment or that I didn't at least chit chat with for a little, about their pregnancy. I feel like I do have more of an in since I am currently pregnant depending on the situation and if it feel appropriate. Like at church and stuff. I accidentally suggested someone's tummy looked small, but I see it as a compliment and then remembered what you all said and added that it was probably just the particular outfit. She said she had a dress she had tried on that morning that made her look huge. Oh and I did ask if she knew what she was having, but added in the if you are finding out. She said it was a surprise. Guess surprise babies are becoming more trendy. LOL

I tried it once and an ultrasound tech spoiled the news like a month or less before my second boy was born. I didn't have the patience with the next 2 at all. Though this little girl almost hid out on me. 


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Old 03-11-2013, 01:04 PM
 
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I thought any questions from a total stranger were inappropriate. I work retail and got so fed up with being interrogated by everybody (even the basic questions--when are you due, boy or girl, etc. etc.). If we don't even know each other, my body and family are none of your business! Why do you get to quiz me about them just because my status is visible on my front? If I was chatting with somebody for a few minutes and then they asked I didn't mind, but I minded the interrogation. Now I don't ask pregnant clerks or anyone in a customer service role about their pregnancy. 


I think there's a difference between a random store clerk you see once, and a regular worker at a place you frequent, too.  I mean, we shop at the same grocery store all the time, so we see the SAME cashiers over and over.  By now, we know little bits about them, and they even recognize me if I show up dressed up and without my kids.  Although I wouldn't consider them my best buds or something, I feel like we have enough of a relationship to keep it from being weird to ask them basic questions about a pregnancy.

 

Honestly, though, I'm pretty hard to offend.  People's apparent intent makes a much bigger difference to me.  If they seem to mean well, then unless it's an EXCEPTIONALLY stupid or rude question, I don't think anything of it.

One thing I think is really strange, that I've never had actually happen to me, is that strangers will rub a pregnant woman's belly.  I can't imagine doing that to a stranger!  And I hear it happens all the time.  But I must put off a "don't mess with me" vibe or something, because I'm 7 mos. pregnant with my fourth baby, and I've never, ever had that happen.  (Even friends won't touch my belly.  They've commented on wanting to - and, honestly, with my friends, I'd be glad for them to - but no one has.)

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Old 03-11-2013, 01:08 PM
 
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"Is this your first baby?" - pretty harmless question, but I hate the look I get when I say it's my third. I'm 30 but people always think I'm a bit younger than that. I had my first at 24...not THAT young, seriously. Plus I want a big family!
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"Is this your first baby?" - pretty harmless question, but I hate the look I get when I say it's my third. I'm 30 but people always think I'm a bit younger than that. I had my first at 24...not THAT young, seriously. Plus I want a big family!
This really frustrates me too, plus every time i call my midwives afterhours the person who answers the phone asks EVERY TIME. I wonder why they do that? It really upset me when i got asked by a doula group i was looking into. I said, " I hope so". What does this question mean? For me, i.think of my loses from past pregnancies. And it really brings up what is a "baby". I guess its not helpful.for me to have others decide what to call.whats happening inside me. After my loses, i really had a hard time owning the word "baby", & feeling like i never got to the point of getting to be have one. Pregnancy redefines a lot for me, everyday.
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Old 03-11-2013, 01:13 PM
 
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I think there's a difference between a random store clerk you see once, and a regular worker at a place you frequent, too.  I mean, we shop at the same grocery store all the time, so we see the SAME cashiers over and over.  By now, we know little bits about them, and they even recognize me if I show up dressed up and without my kids.  Although I wouldn't consider them my best buds or something, I feel like we have enough of a relationship to keep it from being weird to ask them basic questions about a pregnancy.

Honestly, though, I'm pretty hard to offend.  People's apparent intent makes a much bigger difference to me.  If they seem to mean well, then unless it's an EXCEPTIONALLY stupid or rude question, I don't think anything of it.


One thing I think is really strange, that I've never had actually happen to me, is that strangers will rub a pregnant woman's belly.  I can't imagine doing that to a stranger!  And I hear it happens all the time.  But I must put off a "don't mess with me" vibe or something, because I'm 7 mos. pregnant with my fourth baby, and I've never, ever had that happen.  (Even friends won't touch my belly.  They've commented on wanting to - and, honestly, with my friends, I'd be glad for them to - but no one has.)
I once thought about what i would do if that happened-a stranger touching my belly! I was angry just thinking about it &decided i would immediately call 911. I hope it never happens b/c it would stress me out& i wouldnt want to call 911. Its just so not ok with me.
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Old 03-11-2013, 01:32 PM
 
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Hahahaha, I am laughing so hard reading these! Best comment ever for me was when I was about 7 months into my first pregnancy with DS (now 4) - I was 29. I went with a friend to buy a bed off of Craigslist (DH was in another country at the time), and the owner was all "Oh wow, you totally remind of Juno" HAHAHAHA

 

um. yeah. wasn't Juno 16????

 

:)

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Old 03-11-2013, 01:34 PM
 
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I once thought about what i would do if that happened-a stranger touching my belly! I was angry just thinking about it &decided i would immediately call 911. I hope it never happens b/c it would stress me out& i wouldnt want to call 911. Its just so not ok with me.

 

You shouldn't call 911 for a non-emergency. Just keep an eye out and if someone seems to be coming toward your belly, tell them no. That would kinda be like if you called 911 for someone grabbing on your shoulder to get your attention, unless they were hurting you and continuing to hurt you or something. I understand how it would make you feel though.

 

I'm on my fourth pregnancy and I don't think any stranger has ever touched my belly. 


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Old 03-11-2013, 02:11 PM
 
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I think there's a difference between a random store clerk you see once, and a regular worker at a place you frequent, too.  I mean, we shop at the same grocery store all the time, so we see the SAME cashiers over and over.  By now, we know little bits about them, and they even recognize me if I show up dressed up and without my kids.  Although I wouldn't consider them my best buds or something, I feel like we have enough of a relationship to keep it from being weird to ask them basic questions about a pregnancy.

 

So here was my situation--8 1/2 months pregnant, filling in at a store where I'd never worked before, interacting with people who I had never seen before and would probably never see again, and everybody in line quizzing me about my pregnancy. It got old really fast. I don't mind a question from one well-meaning stranger, but that's the problem with retail--if you, the customer, ask the clerk a question about her pregnancy, I can pretty much guarantee that is the 20th or 200th time today that she's been asked that exact question, and she was also asked that exact question 200 times yesterday and the day before and the day before.... Unless the clerk and the customer do have some sort of a relationship, I really think it's just intrusive on the part of the customer.

 

eta: clarity. I wouldn't have minded a question from a regular. Or even if I was chitchatting with someone for a few minutes and then they asked. I minded dealing with these people I had never met before in my life and half the conversations start with "Hi, I'm picking up for John Jones. Oh, when are you due? Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?" And since I can't be rude to customers and tell them to MYOB, I'm put in a position where I'm basically required to discuss my personal life all day with one complete stranger after another. Maybe some people wouldn't have minded it but that is somewhere in my top five ideas of h311. I am so thankful that now I'm the pharmacist instead of the technician and therefore don't typically have to talk to every patient, so if/when I'm pregnant again at least these comments will be a little less frequent. 

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Old 03-11-2013, 02:32 PM
 
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This isn't a "things not to ask" but can I just vent anyway?

 

There is a guy I have to interact with occasionally at work.  Not often, maybe twice a month.  Every time I see him, he says the same thing "So, still drinking beer I see. chuckle, chuckle."  It wasn't funny the first time when my belly had a "beer belly-esq." look, and it sure as heck ain't funny the 10th time 4 months later.  I would love to throttle him for many work related reasons, this non-work related one is just too much!  Too bad he's in a senior management role, although not directly in my group, and I have to try to stay on his good side...


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Old 03-11-2013, 02:49 PM
 
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nstewart - Aren't office politics awful? I wish there were a way to call him out on being a jerk without jeopardizing your relationship with him, but I know from my own experiences that sometimes that's just not possible with obnoxious senior managers. If you don't feel like you can be direct with him, is it terrible to suggest playing into a pregnant woman stereotype and starting to/pretending to cry? He would certainly feel like an ass then, but it's not necessarily consequence-free for you. How annoying! 


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Old 03-13-2013, 08:52 AM
 
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I'm too early for comments this time around but I remember a couple of my favorites last time around

 

my dad actually gave me the old line "you look like you're about to POP!" like more times that I can remember when I was about 7 months.  I love my dad but this comment even made my mom cringe.

 

We kept my sons sex a surprise and I remember a clerk at Walgreens asking me what we were having.  When I said we didn't know she literally said "but...then how will you decorate?"  she was really really concerned.  I had to keep myself from bursting out laughing and just said "there are lots of colors in the rainbow" and walked away.  That seemed like an easier response than "this baby will not only not have a nursery but it will most likely be sleeping in our bed"

 

I don't remember anyone ever touching my belly uninvited.  I think I probably also give off a vibe that does not welcome such an intrusion but if I ever noticed someone coming at me with that intent I would likely just back away and cover my belly with my own hands. It's so hard for me to imagine what would be going through someone's mind to make that kind of personal space violation okay.


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Old 03-13-2013, 10:11 AM
 
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nstewart - Aren't office politics awful? I wish there were a way to call him out on being a jerk without jeopardizing your relationship with him, but I know from my own experiences that sometimes that's just not possible with obnoxious senior managers. If you don't feel like you can be direct with him, is it terrible to suggest playing into a pregnant woman stereotype and starting to/pretending to cry? He would certainly feel like an ass then, but it's not necessarily consequence-free for you. How annoying! 

Yes, so silly.  I actually did, sort of, kind of, get the chance last week.  I was giving a presentation to the group he supervises and of course when I arrived he made the hilarous joke.  Then, when introducing me to the group he proceeded to try to make it again by saying, "Don't worry, that's not all beer in that belly" or something like that, to which I responded, "Nope, and yet Bill still likes to make that joke every time he sees me."  Small victories. lol

 

I would never allow myself to cry or pretent to cry in front of him.  Another part of the politics of working with that particular group involves being pretty tough, especially with this particular guy and his one subordinate.  If I didn't they'd try to walk all over me 24/7.


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Old 03-13-2013, 10:49 AM
 
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We kept my sons sex a surprise and I remember a clerk at Walgreens asking me what we were having.  When I said we didn't know she literally said "but...then how will you decorate?"  she was really really concerned.  I had to keep myself from bursting out laughing and just said "there are lots of colors in the rainbow" and walked away.  That seemed like an easier response than "this baby will not only not have a nursery but it will most likely be sleeping in our bed"

 

A couple of my friends have asked me that, and "How are you going to get the clothes/toys/etc???" I just tell them that we don't plan on having/getting that much stuff, and since they're friends, I tell them the baby will be sleeping with us/me, etc. But I find it kind of funny that people are all "How will you ever SURVIVE!?!" if you don't buy all the "necessities" like crib, bouncy seat, etc.


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Old 03-13-2013, 11:06 AM
 
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Yes, so silly.  I actually did, sort of, kind of, get the chance last week.  I was giving a presentation to the group he supervises and of course when I arrived he made the hilarous joke.  Then, when introducing me to the group he proceeded to try to make it again by saying, "Don't worry, that's not all beer in that belly" or something like that, to which I responded, "Nope, and yet Bill still likes to make that joke every time he sees me."  Small victories. lol

 

Well played!!


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Old 03-13-2013, 11:31 AM
 
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A couple of my friends have asked me that, and "How are you going to get the clothes/toys/etc???" I just tell them that we don't plan on having/getting that much stuff, and since they're friends, I tell them the baby will be sleeping with us/me, etc. But I find it kind of funny that people are all "How will you ever SURVIVE!?!" if you don't buy all the "necessities" like crib, bouncy seat, etc.

 

We plan on not finding out either, and if we end up with a boy who has a pink car seat... well so what?! gah


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Old 03-13-2013, 11:52 AM
 
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We plan on not finding out either, and if we end up with a boy who has a pink car seat... well so what?! gah

 

Yes! And, it's not like there isn't a wealth of gender non-specific stuff out there. Honestly, I tend to like that better than the super "traditional" boy and girl stuff anyway. I've been playing with decorating and gear ideas for a while, making up little fake baby registries of my favorite stuff, and even though I am planning to find out the sex, I don't foresee the results having any impact on the stuff I want or buy.


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Old 03-13-2013, 12:08 PM
 
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We did have a nursery for DD and guess what? We painted it a vibrant green and hung pictures of animals. Seriously, the greatest way to make me run the other way when I'm shopping for DD is to make toys/linens, etc pink. You can totally tell which of her clothes are gifts: the pink ones! Lol. I just really don't like the pink/blue polarization... As mentioned above, there are so many colours in the rainbow joy.gif
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Old 03-13-2013, 12:38 PM
 
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Besides, even if you do know it's a boy or it's a girl, if you ever plan to have other children, you still might not want an obviously girly or obviously masculine nursery.  Ours is primary colors, because I never understood why it would make sense to paint a nursery in pastels when tiny babies can't see those colors well.  And now it's fun for the bigger kids to use as a playroom. :)
 

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Old 03-13-2013, 12:57 PM
 
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Besides, even if you do know it's a boy or it's a girl, if you ever plan to have other children, you still might not want an obviously girly or obviously masculine nursery.  Ours is primary colors, because I never understood why it would make sense to paint a nursery in pastels when tiny babies can't see those colors well.  And now it's fun for the bigger kids to use as a playroom. :)
 

The thing that gets me is when I see a high ticket item in a very gender-obvious color.  Like recently I saw a bright, bright pink probably $800 stroller being pushed down the sidewalk.  That's great if you only plan on having 1 and that's what you like, but are you going to want to use that for baby #2 if you have a boy??  If not, do you want to have to buy another stroller??  Even after DS was born, we tried to keep all our "gear" as gender neutral as possible (bounsy seat, pack n' play, exersaucer, etc. etc.) although I will say it is hard to find truly "gender neutral" items these days unless they are white.


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Old 03-13-2013, 01:48 PM
 
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although I will say it is hard to find truly "gender neutral" items these days unless they are white.
I guess I gravitate to the boys stuff then but I dont consider a jungle theme masculine, simply lively and fun. I completely agree about the big ticket stuff; people don't seem to think things through at times. Although a friend of mine did get a pink stroller set but won't hesitate to plunk a boy in there cuz thats simply the way they roll lol
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Old 03-13-2013, 02:11 PM
 
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Most of the things we have picked out are gender neutral.  Red stroller, Winnie the Pooh decorations in green, etc.  But with some things it was hard to find the item in colors that weren't pink or blue.  Maybe the store just had a smaller selection.  It was also annoying to see that things like grooming kits, thermometers, bottles and humidifiers come in pink or blue.  I really don't think the baby will ever care what color their humidifier is when they are sick.




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Old 03-13-2013, 02:45 PM
 
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I am pregnant with my second (DD is 6 1/2) and have a different sperm doner for this one (I call him that as he has been a complete JERK the whole time I've been pregnant.) I get the "well, you don't need anymore children now because a nother Baby Daddy would make you look trashy." Excuse me??? That is the worst and this person was lucky I didn't punch her in the face!

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Old 03-13-2013, 02:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by skycheattraffic View Post

Although a friend of mine did get a pink stroller set but won't hesitate to plunk a boy in there cuz thats simply the way they roll lol

 

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Old 03-13-2013, 02:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by JennJenn84 View Post

I am pregnant with my second (DD is 6 1/2) and have a different sperm doner for this one (I call him that as he has been a complete JERK the whole time I've been pregnant.) I get the "well, you don't need anymore children now because a nother Baby Daddy would make you look trashy." Excuse me??? That is the worst and this person was lucky I didn't punch her in the face!

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