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-   -   Things never to ask a pregnant woman (http://www.mothering.com/forum/19-i-m-pregnant/1375846-things-never-ask-pregnant-woman.html)

Flopsy 03-04-2013 09:17 AM

Pregnancy seems to bring out the crazy in everyone. What's the dumbest/most annoying/intrusive thing you've heard from someone else about your pregnancy?

 

I'll start with a couple from my in-laws that still make me cringe:

 

From my FIL with my first: "Wow, you're really starting to look FAT!"

(I really do believe he thought he was trying to give me a compliment. He just sucks at it...)

 

And with this pregnancy, after we announced a few weeks ago my BIL asked me "Now, was this pregnancy planned??"

(I don't think this comment was well-meaning at all, so I just chose to ignore it. None of his business.)

 

 

Your turn!


mamapigeon 03-04-2013 11:03 AM

At the end of pregnancy, "Have you had the baby yet?" from close friends and family. I about lost it when people kept pestering me with that when I was pregnant with DS.

 

 

I also get kind of mad when people ask if I'm excited. I know it's just kind of an awkward question when someone has nothing else to say, but it just irks me.


skycheattraffic 03-04-2013 02:00 PM

My all time favourite: "so what are you having?"
Me: "a baby" eyesroll.gif. I know a lot of people find out but I didn't realize surprise babies are such a rare breed.

Flopsy 03-04-2013 03:14 PM

Ooh, those are good ones.

 

Skycheattraffic, you reminded me of another one that bugs me. We don't find out what we're having either, so I get asked a lot "Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?" Or "Do you think it's a boy or a girl?" My favorite answer is 'yes.' Or, 'I'd only be surprised if it's a puppy. Or a watermelon.'


skycheattraffic 03-04-2013 03:50 PM

Lol Flopsy. We also say "yes" to gender questions wink1.gif

crunchymama19 03-04-2013 03:57 PM

Wow, you're big already, are you SURE it's not twins?

 

Was this planned? - always irks me, do they realize they are inquiring about my sex life?

 

So are you done after this one? - how on earth can I answer that now when I haven't even had this one yet? And why is that your business anyway?


kristenburgess 03-04-2013 04:27 PM

Are you hoping for a boy/girl?  I really don't like this question!

 

Will you have any more after this one?

 

Are you trying to beat the Duggars?

 

Did you know that 2-3 years is the best child spacing?

 

You can tell we have a big family ;)
 


Sphinxy 03-04-2013 06:32 PM

I don't like questions about the mechanics of getting pregnant as a gay woman. My pregnancy is not an invitation to ask me all about how babies get made without a penis. I just want to say, "Seriously, just google it."

Also, I don't like prying questions about the donor. "Do you know him?", "What does he look like?", etc. It's really personal and I am not going to assume ahead of time how comfortable my child would be with me sharing that kind of information with all sorts of random people.

bmcneal 03-04-2013 09:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamapigeon View Post

At the end of pregnancy, "Have you had the baby yet?" from close friends and family. I about lost it when people kept pestering me with that when I was pregnant with DS.

 

www.haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flopsy View Post

Ooh, those are good ones.

 

Skycheattraffic, you reminded me of another one that bugs me. We don't find out what we're having either, so I get asked a lot "Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?" Or "Do you think it's a boy or a girl?" My favorite answer is 'yes.' Or, 'I'd only be surprised if it's a puppy. Or a watermelon.'

 

That's my response, too, "Yes." or sometimes, I tell them it's an elephant. orngtongue.gif


skycheattraffic 03-04-2013 09:39 PM

Oh Sphinxy that is soo rude. Hugs to you for having to put up with the extra prying. Questions about conception are simply not appropriate.

here we are 03-05-2013 01:05 AM

How about "how are you feeling?"...am i the worst for saying this is not to be asked? Its just theres SO many feelings going on, its hard to give an answer, but i dont like this question anyways, i am just too private&moody in general.

nettlesoup 03-05-2013 02:15 AM

My mother had a special one the other day. She has it in her head that her three miscarriages were all boys, despite the fact they were all before 12 weeks, so how would she even know? But she has always said they were boys anyway. When I was round last week, she told me my bump looks like a girl and informed me that I must be allergic to boys like she is (!?), and that my miscarriage last year must have been a boy. I must add that my Mum is crazy.

 

I have a very strong feeling this one is a boy as my morning sickness is way longer lasting this time, and also the nub theory would suggest the same. I hope it is just to shut her up.
 


Sphinxy 03-05-2013 07:28 AM

I'm too early along to get the boy/girl question, but it annoys me just thinking about it. I suppose people ask because they just want something to talk about regarding your pregnancy, and it's an easy go-to question. DW and I aren't really interested in preconceptions about sex and gender, so while we do intend to find out the sex, it's not going to mean much to us aside from which name we decide to use. Ultimately our child will decide how to express their gender identity, and we have no interest in helping other people put unnecessary expectations on what it means to be a boy/girl. So I think to make point, when people ask me the sex, I'm going to say male/female instead of boy/girl. I know that might not be sustainable for very long, but it might also make a few people think. 

 

hereweare - For me it totally depends on who is asking. My mom calls nearly everyday to ask how I'm feeling and it is super sweet. We have a very honest relationship so I can tell her "stop asking" if I don't want to talk about it and she will respect that, or I can lament all about my grossest symptoms and it won't phase her. But when my male boss asked me, it was totally different. I had to pause and think "ok, but he doesn't really want to hear about my gas...". I would think that people I'm not close to in that way who have either experienced pregnancy first hand or through a partner would know better than to ask that! 

 

sky - Many thanks! 


Quinalla 03-05-2013 07:29 AM

We're having twins, so I get the "Were you having fertility treatments or are the natural (ie spontaneous)?" once people learn about the twins. My doctors aside as this information can be important for them, this question is so rude!

And yes, the "Was it planned?" question is so rude too, I am still astounded people ask that question! I haven't gotten it myself, but if I do, I'll probably fire back with "Yup, and how's your sex life?"

Kate&Joey 03-05-2013 09:10 AM

Last night on the phone with my MIL: "So are you and the baby getting fat?"

 

Umm...I hope not.  irked.gif


Kate&Joey 03-05-2013 09:14 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quinalla View Post

And yes, the "Was it planned?" question is so rude too, I am still astounded people ask that question! I haven't gotten it myself, but if I do, I'll probably fire back with "Yup, and how's your sex life?"

 

We got the "was it planned?" question A LOT.  I guess because we're older and it's a second marriage for both of us?  But yes, it's annoying that the most accurate answer would be "Yes, we were having regular sex without protection."  Do people not think ???


pokeyac 03-05-2013 11:14 AM

I haven't gotten any weird questions since I've been pregnant, but we did get some weird questions when we told people we wanted to have a baby.  Like Sphinxy, I am also married to a woman.  A few people asked us if we were going to adopt.  Adoption is wonderful, but my reproductive organs still work just fine, and I have always wanted to have a baby myself.  We were asked if we were going to do IVF.  It's really much simpler than that.  We only needed help getting the sperm where it needs to go.  Someone asked if I was going to have sex with a man.  This was the rudest and dumbest.  The lesbian and married parts kind of exclude having sex with a man.  There are many other ways to get pregnant.  Most of these things I thought were pretty funny and they didn't bother me.  The adoption question bothered me a little, especially because one person thought we should adopt so that the baby would not be biologically related to either of us as opposed to only being related to one of us with the other having no bio connection.  They also asked DW what the baby would be to her.


nattery 03-05-2013 09:03 PM

I look young for my age and I get the rudest questions inferring that I am a teenage mom. NOT that teenage mom's deserve to be asked these questions either. It was really opened my eyes to the crap they have to go through and the instant judgements people make. (I'm 29 and married by the way but people have guessed I am as young as 17, including other 17 year olds... which can make teaching high school difficult at times ;) )

 

Some of the questions I have gotten from strangers are:

 

" So is the father involved?" - would you ask that of a lady who looks to be in her 20's? 30's? No? then don't ask ANYONE (this applies to all the questions below)

" So are you married? "

"How does your mother feel about this?"

"It must be hard being in your position" - What position? the fact that I am six months pregnant or the fact that you are assuming I am an unmarried, uneducated pregnant 17 year old?

"Are you getting help from your family?" - as surely I am not capable of looking after myself?

 

and it wasn't a question but a comment... my ultimate favorite stranger input, - "You are far to young to have any business having a child" - well then, I guess I will return it to the baby store and wait another decade until I'm 40, does that meet your expectations? Even if I was 17 and pregnant, no one deserves that crap. They are already pregnant and making them feel ashamed of it ain't making anyone feel better about anything.

 

The worst question I received was from my grandfather... it's kind of a sad situation as my father (his son) passed away a decade ago and he has since lost all interest in being my grandfather (maybe too painful for him to see me? even though we were closer beforehand). I called him to tell him he would be a great grandfather and his response was, "I guess I should try to be happy about that?"

 

I received an email from a friend overseas who just found out I'm pregnant. He asked me "are you happy about that?" Well obviously if I'm 6 months along, broadcasting it all over facebook and posting pictures up the wazoo ... what do you think?


pokeyac 03-06-2013 01:03 PM

I'm so sorry, Nattery!  Those comments do suck and they hurt.  I don't know what it is about a belly that makes them think it's ok to be wildly inappropriate.  Does telling them you're almost 30 and married shut them up?

 

For what it's worth, I'm happy you're pregnant!


mum4vr 03-06-2013 03:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by nattery View Post

I look young for my age and I get the rudest questions inferring that I am a teenage mom. NOT that teenage mom's deserve to be asked these questions either. It was really opened my eyes to the crap they have to go through and the instant judgements people make. (I'm 29 and married by the way but people have guessed I am as young as 17, including other 17 year olds... which can make teaching high school difficult at times ;) )

 

...

Oh, nattery, I feel your pain! A bit OT, but I often sub, so the students will think I am the "new girl" and try to let me know I shouldn't be writing on the board, or I'll get in trouble! Then they're like, Oh. I still (pushing 40 & 4th prg) get asked the type of questions you listed. My favorite at-school experience happened while waiting in the hall for another class to finish & vacate, so I could enter the classroom (without disrupting them), the principal walked up behind me & said, "Are you out in he hall bc you're in trouble?" (I thought he was joking; actually I was taking a pic of a flyer advertising a play while waiting) I turned around, chuckling a bit at his "joke," and he said, "WHAT! And you're on your phone!" I CANNOT imagine his reaction if I'd also had a baby bump at the time!

 

We also get the "was this planned?" ATT, and even with a tone, as if we -shouldn't- have planned another baby. Not only is our intimate life NOYB, but, neither is our family size... right?

 

I've heard comments (not questions) from one person, bordering on torturing my dd... a lady at church kept telling her our baby is "a rotten boy" (bc at the time dd wanted a sister-- she has 2 brothers, although now she can't decide which is better, she's so excited). I countered gently with, idk, our timing is more like for a girl, I think, but we're very happy about this baby either way. She never let up, oh no! rotten boys come in threes, & this one is another rotten boy! (BTW, this woman has 2 boys of her own & I have 2 boys of my own. Mine are nothing like "rotten" & I don't think hers are, but maybe she is that unkind a mother, that she thinks hers & thusly all boys are rotten?) DH & I were about to confront her privately re her hatefulness to our family about this baby when suddenly it stopped, so maybe someone already said something to her?

 

Not a normal preg question, but w DD, a male nurse began a line of personal & inappropriate questions including my phone number... then when my husband & boys came in the room, backpedaled, using the excuse that he thought I was a young (single?) teen mom! ...Oh, no, what were you asking, I still think you should repeat that in front of my family! As if it would be ok to take advantage of a young teen mom who was a patient under his care?!

 

I think I answered the "What are you having?" question once with, "Twin lambs... well, actually our ewe, Misty, is -having- the lambs... WE'RE having a baby." Lambs just seems like a more appropriate answer to the "what is it" question! Or puppies or watermelons, LOL!


mamazee 03-06-2013 03:54 PM

1. Don't tell birth horror stories. Now is not the time.

2. No, you may not touch my belly.

nstewart 03-06-2013 04:05 PM

This wasn't me, but a friend of mine when she was PG with her first.  For context, at the time she worked at a law firm that has a reputation for being an "old boys club", and a 60 something male partner said to her "So, you're pregnant.  Do you know how that happened? chuckle chuckle".  She responded totally deadpan - "No, I don't.  Can you tell me?"  He turned beet red and walked away. lol.


LilyTiger 03-06-2013 06:10 PM

I was at a wedding and someone asked me (I didn't volunteer the information) whether I would be getting an epidural.  I responded that I was hoping for an all natural birth.  She then told me that she works in medical sales and worked with a lot of anesthesiologists and that the epidurals "work really well".  Really?  Ugh.

 

Another woman told me in May that I wouldn't make it past mid-July.  I was due in early August (and my daughter ended up being born one week late).  Not sure what the point of that conversation was. 

 

On the flip side, I also had a lot of wonderful strangers offer me blessings and get very excited about the new life growing inside me, and that's a beautiful thing.  I do think sometimes people's apparently rude or intrusive comments are born out of excitement rather than poor manners.   That's not always the case, of course. 


thezoolife 03-06-2013 06:42 PM

I got "when are you guys going to have kids?" a lot from everyone. Meanwhile my DH and I were struggling trying to conceive. Then we got "it's about time" after we announced we were pregnant. People don't realize how rude or hurtful they can be.

Annoyingly I got a bunch of, "are you sure there's only one in there?"
Or, "any minute now!" When I was like 6 months pregnant.
Two total strangers gave me long speeches of why they are pro-life.

Kynid 03-06-2013 07:15 PM

I am mostly asked if we will be having another soon since this is our second boy and we HAVE to have a girl. I haven't even had this baby yet, and believe it or not, gender was not why we wanted a child. irked.gif

I have actually told my aunt 4 times now that the baby is a boy and she still asks me "How are my girls doing?" every time she sees me. When I tell her again that he is a boy she says, "Well I just thought you would have a girl since you already have a boy, ya know?"

No, I don't...angry.gif

Everyone in my family has boys and girls in rotating order except my mom, who has 2 girls. She just got "lucky" though. Grrr

 

The only reason I told my family the gender was so they would stop insisting it was a girl, which they all did from the moment I found out we were expecting. 


Kynid 03-06-2013 07:23 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by thezoolife View Post

I got "when are you guys going to have kids?" a lot from everyone. Meanwhile my DH and I were struggling trying to conceive. Then we got "it's about time" after we announced we were pregnant. People don't realize how rude or hurtful they can be.

Annoyingly I got a bunch of, "are you sure there's only one in there?"
Or, "any minute now!" When I was like 6 months pregnant.
Two total strangers gave me long speeches of why they are pro-life.

I get this too. It took us years to get PG with our second and was asked every 2 weeks if we were pregnant yet. Since I only have a cycle 3 X a year, this gets old and hurtful fast. Not to mention all the comments of how "It will happen as soon as we stop trying." That one is the worst.

After we did get PG these same people would ask me if it was planned since we are both in college. Really???

Even though it's not a question I am always being told how the baby needs to "Get here now" by people in my family so they can "kiss him all over." I know this is meant with kindness, but imagining the smokers in my family kissing my newborn grosses me out, not to mention that I am only 33 weeks. 
 

I told my sister that I don't want him to come now because he would be too small and in the NICU for weeks, and her response was "Well my boys (her twins) were born at 32 weeks and they were only in NICU for 4 weeks. It wasn't that bad." Um, that's 4 weeks too long for me. Thanks


pokeyac 03-07-2013 10:56 AM

lilytiger--It is very nice when strangers say congratulations or something else nice.  I appreciate those comments a lot. This is a very special time.


A2JC4life 03-08-2013 10:53 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by nettlesoup View Post
I have a very strong feeling this one is a boy as my morning sickness is way longer lasting this time, and also the nub theory would suggest the same. I hope it is just to shut her up.

 

What's the "nub theory"?
 

I much prefer "Are you planning to find out the gender?" over "are you having a girl or a boy?"  At least it acknowledges that an u/s is not a given.  ('Though of course we are going to find out - duh.  At somewhere around 40 weeks. ;) )


nettlesoup 03-08-2013 11:35 AM

Here's a link; http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2009/06/03/nub-theory-baby-gender-prediction-at-12-weeks/

I don't know how accurate it really is, so I'm certainly not relying on it, but you never know.
 


A2JC4life 03-08-2013 09:31 PM

Thanks - interesting!
 



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