Telling Loved ones, who are downers! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 03-21-2013, 01:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey all!

 

So I have been thinking of all the ways to tell family that I am pregnant(my first), and I honestly can't help thinking up horrible reactions. Both my husband and I have very critical families. My husband and I have been together for many years and we are *very* stable financially. My husband is almost 30 and didn't want to wait too much longer.

 

The issues that his family have with me is that I said months ago I wanted to be a stay at home mom when we finally have children. It was a brief comment that I regret saying, because his aunt chewed me out.Divorce,sexism, my husband dying, and the dangers of being unemployed for long periods were all brought up by her. How do other SAHM's handle such criticisms?

 

*My* family is a bit difficult too. They are more of the gossiping type. They have a negative spin on everything, no matter what you do.

 

I expect very negative reactions from both families. I'd like advice as how best to approach the subject. This pregnancy is very much planned. As long as the baby sticks, I'll tell them around 12-13 weeks. We only see them every few weeks. That may increase/decrease depending on how they handle the news.

 

My first idea was to mail cute pregnancy announcements. They have bird's eggs you crack open to reveal the note. I figured this states that the pregnancy is positive and cause for celebration.

 

Any advice in delivering the news, coping with rude people, and personal stories are greatly appreciated!

 

Thanks!

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#2 of 10 Old 03-22-2013, 12:16 PM
 
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The first thing that jumped to my mind while I was reading was "do it in writing" lol I love the sound of the birth announcements you found! My family was incredibly judgemental before I became pregnant with Ds. Since we were in a horrible financial position and barely even feeding ourselves and Ds was unplanned they were all thrilled. eyesroll.gif When we were stable and started talking about having more children intentionally though, they pulled out all the stops trying to talk us out of it and were only grudgingly happy about dd at first.

I don't know. Over the years I have developed a kind of emotional disconnect from them. them I will do what I want and if they want to share in my joy, they are welcome. Otherwise, they can have fun complaining behind my back if they want but I don't have the patience to listen to it myself.

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#3 of 10 Old 03-22-2013, 12:28 PM
 
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Oh yeah just to it in writing

 

Also being a sahm has so many benefits for your family and your children your dh's aunt was way way out of line.

 

Make sure to put something like.

 

We want to include you in our happiness.

 

Or

 

Please join us in our excitment

 

Insinuating that if they don't want to jump on the happy train then they can stay at the station.

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#4 of 10 Old 03-22-2013, 01:22 PM
 
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No advice on how to tell them but I wanted to echo that being a SAHM is a VERY important job and you and your family will benefit tremendously. I worked for awhile but everyone is much happier with me at home now. Good luck. I would ignore negative reactions and just focus on your and your families happiness.


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#5 of 10 Old 03-23-2013, 03:47 AM
 
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First, congratulations smile.gif

Yeah, do it in writing to at least avoid their initial thoughtless reactions and then say something like we are so excited/happy to announce so you are telling them how they should react. Then if they do get negative, I'd Dlat out ask them to be happy for you. SO sorry about the negative SAHM comments you got greensad.gif women cannot win there no matter your choice someone will think it is wrong as I am a WOTH mom and got similar comments from people, though at least not anyone close to me! Make the best decision for your family and try to ignore th e criticism, it will serve you well for when your baby arrives too!

Katie trekkie.gif - Married to Mike 06/02/01, Mom to Sydney Anne born 11/21/09 and Alice Maeryn & Oliver Thomas born 04/24/13  hug.gif 

 

 

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#6 of 10 Old 03-23-2013, 07:52 AM
 
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Hi Missy,

Congratulations!  So sorry to hear they are so negative.  When I told my parents and grandma I was pregnant with my first child (not exactly planned), it was over the phone and they could barely speak they were so upset.  They were sure we weren't ready because of our situation.  But they called back about an hour later and apologized, and once my son was born they absolutely fell in love and couldn't wait for more grandkids!  When I got pregnant with my second child (planned) I was a little nervous to tell them so I sent them an e-card that said, "Dear Grandma and Grandpa, can't wait to meet you in July 2010 (my due date).  Love Baby #2".  They loved it.  I love your idea of the bird's egg- that is too cute!  Like others have said, do it in writing, and make it a positive thing.  And I second what Quinalla said about doing the best for your family.  There will be lots of times when your parents or in-laws don't like how you are parenting your kids, but you and your husband have to make your own decisions.

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#7 of 10 Old 03-24-2013, 07:54 AM
 
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Funny thing...yesterday the husband and I were listening to NPR and they were doing a segment on credit and a woman called in. She was married and everything her & her husband had was in his name as primary. The financial adviser mentioned that since the woman didn't really have anything in her name as the primary she should get a small checking and savings in her name along with a small, secured credit card. All int he name of maintaining a credit score. She also advised that families who were in the same position and had a stay at home parent to do the same. There were lots more details to the story but since you are planning to be a SAHM I thought it was information to pass along and give food for thought. I am also a SAHM I haven't had anyone say anything negative...yet. Your aunt was out of line about some stuff. If, in the unfortunate circumstance you and your husband divorce you will find a way to make it. As for her feminisim comment...I just..ugh CAN'T handle when women put down another woman's life choice. You are making the choice to stay home and provide care, just because you don't leave the house does not make you less of a woman. It's totally anti-feminism to bring down a woman for her choices to live her life. 

 

As for announcing, I come from a position where my husband & I are pretty much ignored. His family focuses on his cousins and how great they are. We could solve world hunger, find a cure for cancer, and they would still be like "oh how nice...look what these family members did!" We can never win. In my extended family my cousin is favourited. I know that's crazy petty but it's true. When we visited family last summer my cousin and her family were there and everyone just kept going on about her and her kid. Again, we were pretty much ignored. I am two months ahead of her (due in Sept. she's due in Nov) and she announced her pregnancy VERY early, I just announced this week and I am 15 weeks along. I sent a cutesy Easter card/pregnancy announcement. When it comes to that I just do a few nice things and then ignore them since she will get the attention and praise. It's honestly...healthier and best for my little family. I just putz along and do my thing. If family is not going to be celebratory and positive then just keep things on a basic level. Stick up for yourself when needed but on the whole just ignore their BS. It's tiring and hurtful because it's FAMILY you want to be happy and joyous with them but sometimes they make it impossible. 

 

I hope you find something to help and deal with family. Family can suck sometimes!


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#8 of 10 Old 03-24-2013, 09:35 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrunchyMama19 View Post

No advice on how to tell them but I wanted to echo that being a SAHM is a VERY important job and you and your family will benefit tremendously. I worked for awhile but everyone is much happier with me at home now. Good luck. I would ignore negative reactions and just focus on your and your families happiness.

Exactly. I stayed home 16 years. Now that my youngest is a junior in high school, I have re-entered the workforce and this is helping pay my eldest's college tuition. Life has been good!
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#9 of 10 Old 04-08-2013, 11:27 AM
 
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Congratulations! joy.gif

I have unfortunately a lot of experience in dealing with negative reactions from my family. With our first, we weren't married yet, so everyone was really mad at me. They all wanted me to go back to college, which was never what I wanted in the first place. Then, because I adopted my step-kids, we already had "too many" kids when we tried for our second.

My solution was to break the news in writing, with a note proclaiming explicitly that we are happy, we consider this good news, and we are only interested in happy reactions. Anyone who wants to say something negative can address it to the complaints department of their local trashcan. Fortunately that was enough to keep my family quiet.

Michelle, wife to DH, and momma to DD16, DS15, DS12, DS10, DD9, DD7, DS5, and baby girl born Christmas Eve 2013!
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#10 of 10 Old 04-10-2013, 03:52 AM
 
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Sorry to hear that you're expecting negative reactions from your family. Particularly the stuff about deciding to be a SAHM, it makes my blood boil and go into a rant Cuss.gif. Just did the other day when my SIL told me how people reacted when she decided to do just that. I think feminism will make a huge step forward when it stop trying to squeeze all women into one ideal role.

 

Anyway, I come from a traditional and religious family. It did not go that well when I told them I was pregnant (and not married but in a committed relationship). Actually some members of my family refused to meet me with DD and DP.  Anyway I've learned not to pick fights (hard for me not to with my bad temper) and just say "I'm ok with how I'm living my life and this conversation is upsetting me. I'm not going to talk about it anymore because you will not change my mind and I will not change yours". It worked most of the time, people were taken aback but hey, their problem not mine.


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