What would you do? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 04-05-2013, 01:55 PM - Thread Starter
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Hi, all, just wanted to throw a question out to some folks who might have some perspective I don't.

I am hoping that I'll be hiring a doula at some point in the near future. I live in a small town in a rural state, so have a small, but seemingly healthy pool of possible doulas. This will be my first birth and I'm fairly new to the area, so while everyone here knows everyone else (including, I'm sure, the birth professionals), I really don't.

My question is this: the wife of one of the guys I work with (small/med nonprofit, with 25 staff) is a doula. I've only met her once in the year since I moved to the area/started at my job, but am wondering, when it comes time to interview/choose doulas, should I talk with her? My major concern is that I am afraid she won't feel like the best match, and then if I interviewed her, it will be awkward that I didn't end up going with her as my doula. Maybe it makes the most sense to not consider her, to avoid potential embarrassment? I know in theory, choosing doulas is about matching personalities/styles/needs and not a value judgement, but I also know people are people with feelings. Even so, there aren't too many doulas here in my area, and it might be that this woman is absolutely the best match, so it seems a shame to rule her out just because I know her husband. After all, it's not 6 degrees of separation here, it's more like half a degree, so maybe I just need to suck it up and confront the possibility of awkwardness, in the hopes of finding the very best doula match for me?

Anyway, just wanted to see if anyone here had any helpful advice, since I'm not even pregnant yet, and I'm already stressing about silly stuff.


37, hoping to have a new member of the family in 2016, to join my queer clan: Me , Things 1&2 , my long-distance KD/cheerleader (the guy who's been telling everyone what a great mom I'm going to be) , and the rest of the superheroes and sidekicks .
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#2 of 5 Old 04-05-2013, 07:40 PM
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I understand your concern with this- but what would be running through my mind also is what if she is the right one? I think in a professional situation such as this the woman would probably not hold it against you because it is a very emotionally specific job! Maybe you should interview her and outright ask her if she thinks that this could, in any way, change your working relationship with her husband. Whether you were to choose her or not- it could potentially provide a different dynamic for you in the workplace.
I'm sure you'll make the perfect choice for yourself but you have to keep all of your options open!
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#3 of 5 Old 04-05-2013, 11:07 PM
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The first thing you need to decide is whether you feel comfortable possibly having her as your doula. If not, then don't feel bad about not interviewing her. The whole point of a doula is to have someone there to support you that you feel comfortable with. You don't have to feel guilty about not feeling comfortable for any reason. If you decide that you are comfortable with it, the next step is to ask if she'd like to interview. Give her the opportunity to decide whether or not she's comfortable with it. If she is, then you can move on to the interview stage knowing that both of you are comfortable and it's just a matter of seeing if she's the right fit. Good luck finding the best doula for you!
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#4 of 5 Old 04-06-2013, 07:10 AM
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I've lived in a lot of small towns and understand your point. I think you can interview her if you think you might like her as a doula, or not interview her if you think it's unlikely, and if you interview her and she doesn't seem like the right one, you can just tell her you really clicked with one of the other doulas, and it should be fine. I think doulas know that people need to click with them for it to work out, and understand that there's no way to know who you'll have that connection with, and also I think doulas tend to be pretty supportive of each other and will probably be happy enough that you decided to use a doula that they'll all be fine that you chose a different one. The issue with doulas is less competition between them and more about having more people understand the value of doulas and choose to hire any doula at all in the first place.

So in general I would try to relax and just do what feels best. I don't think anyone will take it personally no matter what you choose.
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#5 of 5 Old 04-12-2013, 12:29 AM
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I wouldn't avoid interviewing her just because you work with her husband.

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
14yo ds   11yo dd  9yo ds and 7yo ds and 2yo ds  
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