Gender Disappointment - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 04-21-2013, 03:40 PM - Thread Starter
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Can some mamas tell me they faced gender disappointment also and maybe how to cope better.  Also maybe some happy endings of how much you love your baby and it worked out. 


I'm having baby #4. I have two girls and a boy my youngest.  I always wanted 4 kids.  My husband was very set that we would stop at 4. I found getting pregnant with #4 bitter sweet.  It's sad to think this would be my last and move into the next stage of our lives, but part of me is really excited to MOVE to the next stage of our lives. The number one reason I had this baby was to give my son a brother.  My girls are best friends.  He needs someone to share in boy stuff with him. We did everything they say to make a boy. Even iced my husbands balls! I had no doubt I would get a boy. I even gave away all my girl clothes. 


Well I had a ultrasound at 16 weeks and got the "think" it's a girl. I knew it was.  I had dreams and I just knew.  I was OK until I corrected my son that the baby was in fact a girl not a boy.  He cried so much. I cried more.  I had to confirm with a second ultrasound that it is indeed a girl.  


I know I will love her of course. I already do. But I feel like all my plans have gone to crap.  I went to get baby clothes for her yesterday and though I would feel better.  My son picked out all boy stuff and it was actually cute (boy stuff is never cute). I felt so sad seeing him be excited by boy clothes and boy toys knowing he's not getting a brother. I know he will love the baby and it will be OK. I do. But I am disappointed. I feel guilty I'm disappointed.  Some women can't have babies and would give anything for 4. I feel guilty and sad thinking -would I of gotten pregnant with her knowing it was a girl? I was SO content after my son was born, finally a boy. Should I of stopped at 3? Now I don't know what the future holds (I hate that!). My husband (after seeing me weep uncontrollable) has since agreed to more. I don't like odd numbers and think can I really care for 6 kids?  What if they are girls too and my son never gets a brother? And the age difference.  I waited to have this baby because I'm overwhelmed.  My son will be just shy of 4yo when she is born. I'm getting old too. I didn't want to have any babies past 34. I'm 33 now. 


Tell me it will be alright.  Tell me I'm being selfish and silly. 

supermod.gif who isbelly.gifwith #4  has jumpers.gif . Believe in homeschool.gif,bfinfant.gif,familybed1.gif,femalesling.GIF,h20homebirth.gif,goorganic.jpg,saynovax.gif

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#2 of 6 Old 04-21-2013, 03:53 PM
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Well you are not being selfish or silly. You are being human and that's okay. <3

And girl, you are NOT old. I'm preggo and will be 39 when this baby is born. You have lots of time! You might want to ask yourself if this odd number aversion is something you can get over, however.

You will get over all of this when that baby is in your arms. So will your son. Everything is gonna be okay. Right now everything seems really magnified, but when she arrives you will understand the "gift" that she is. It will make sense.

Big hugs to you!!!!

Wife to one amazing husband superhero.gif, SAHM to DS bouncy.gif 10/09, DS babyboy.gif 10/19,  one furbaby dog2.gif, and lots of chicken3.gif!


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#3 of 6 Old 04-21-2013, 07:21 PM
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Between my husband and me, we have SIX boys!  (I love the oldest two, but they're not included in my signature because I can't take any credit for raising them.  They were grown and out of the house by the time we got married.)


Only the youngest is my husband's and mine together.  I knew we would only have one child, because DH is significantly older than I am and (quite reasonably) did not want to keep having kids into his 50's.  This was my only chance to have a daughter.


In all fairness, DH warned me our baby would be a boy.  He (DH) allegedly represents the 7th generation in his paternal line to have only male offspring!  Of course, genetically that's mere coincidence.  Potentially, men in his father's line might have some unidentified mutation that complicates female fetal development.  But it's not scientifically possible that he and his male forebears have all been incapable of producing daughters.  So I smiled at his silly warning the same way I smile when people have warned me about catching pink-eye if someone suffering from it looks at me, or when people ask if my friend's boy-girl twins are identical.


What I did understand is that, after 7 generations, DH would feel emasculated if he were the 1st to have a daughter.  Sexist as that may sound, it was real.  My husband hasn't had a (live) father since he was 10.  Paternal traditions are all he has.  Plus, he wasn't raised with girls in his family and felt bewildered by the idea of raising a daughter.  So it was really touching when we sat in the midwife's office, waiting for our ultrasound, and DH took my hand and told me he hoped our baby was a girl because he knew I wanted a daughter.  


To this day, when I think about never having a daughter...never raising a child of my own gender; never braiding my child's hair, or taking her shopping for prom or wedding dresses; never being the main one that the mother of my grandchildren will turn to for advice, or want in the delivery husband's validation of my feelings is comforting.


So let me validate your feelings.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with your hopes or your disappointment.  And of course you're right that you'll love your 3rd daughter.  So will your son.  Sometimes brothers and sisters can be even closer than same-sex siblings.  Among my friend's 4 children, the strongest sibling bond is between one of the brothers and the youngest sister.  The rest of them snipe at each other like normal siblings.  However things evolve in your family will be right for your family.  And however you had planned things was always just a wish, never a promise.  Had your 4th been a boy, he and your other son might have gotten along like cats and dogs.  You just don't really know.

One woman in a house full of men:  my soul mate:  
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... twin sons:
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(HS seniors) ... step-son: 
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  (a first grader) ... and there is another female in the house, after all:  our
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#4 of 6 Old 04-22-2013, 05:33 AM
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I join the others who are validating your feelings. There is nothing bad about what you are feeling. I also come from a different viewpoint. I hope it will be helpful, it is intended that way.

Every kid is different. Any of your daughters could lean in a very Tom-boy direction. Heck, you could have a transgender child. Encourage your son to engage them all as siblings and find connections that may or may not be traditionally "boy" or "girl". I would try to stress less about putting so much weight on their "parts". It's entirely out of your control. If a child of one sex or the other is really that important to you, what about adoption? Then you can choose. But I really think the websites about how to "sway" gender during conception are irresponsible. You can't play God. You did nothing wrong, it's just that it was never up to you in the first place. Best of luck to you.

My wife (31) and I (33) were married in 2006. We are proud queer mamas to W, born Oct 2013, conceived at home IVI via frozen WTBK donor sperm. Planning on TTC #2 starting in Sept 2015 through the same method. I am/will be the gestational mom.
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#5 of 6 Old 04-22-2013, 06:14 AM
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I don't think you're being silly or selfish at all. I think a lot of times we get our heart so dearly set on something and its so disappointing when that doesn't pan out... And that's ok. That's human. You've already said that of course you're going to love this baby, that's not a question. I hope you'll find that you're pleasantly surprised, that your son is just going to adore this new baby girl and maybe they'll be the best of friends. He will watch out for her, he will protect her just like most big brothers do, and most importantly he'll love her once he sees how perfect she is, even though she's not the brother he wanted smile.gif having more kids is obviously your choice, but you need to do what you're comfortable with, which sounds like 4 kids was always your dream. Get through this pregnancy and enjoy it smile.gif I'm so sorry you're having a tough time though greensad.gif
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#6 of 6 Old 04-22-2013, 09:29 AM
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I have always wanted a daughter.  We have two sons and are planning our third pregnancy with the hopes that it is a girl.  If it's a boy, of course I will love him, but I would also be very disappointed.

Candy, Mom to Matthew (5/02) and Ethan (10/07)

Trying for #3 starting 5/13

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