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#1 of 14 Old 05-16-2013, 10:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am 34 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child and I am in an abusive marriage.  My husband has not as of yet been physically abusive with me, but he is verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive to me.  I also feel that he does the same with my son, who is his stepson. 

 

Last night he told me that he "wasn't going to listen to my stupid mouth".  Tonight he told me to shut up because I was annoyed that he wanted to keep our 2 year old up almost 2 hours past her bedtime to keep playing with her.  I am trying very hard to get her on a good routine and somewhat of a sleep schedule before this new baby comes.  He doesn't care if she keeps sleeping with us & I think it is his way of avoiding me.  He doesn't try to be intimate with me or show me any kind of affection.  I literally have to ask for a hug or kiss if I want one. 

 

I am worried about her still sharing the bed with us most nights because I will be having a c-section and I really don't want to be getting kicked in the stomach.  Plus we will have the new baby in the bed in a snuggle nest & breastfeeding. 

 

I have struggled in the past with depression and anxiety. My last pregnancy, I had pretty bad postpartum anxiety.  He accuses me of being "hypersensetive" and of "getting upset about silly sh*t, crying all the time, it's crazy."  He is not keeping in mind that I have been pregnant and breastfeeding for the past 3 years which is almost as long as we have been married.  And that pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding can do a lot to a woman's hormones and emotions. 

 

I have realized that he is an alcoholic. He hasn't given me any indication that he will be physically abusive with me; other than these things usually get worse before they get better.  Also that he gets more mad and gets mad quicker than he used to.  He is downright rude, insensetive, mean, and disrespectful when he is drinking hard liquor.  Beer not so much. 

 

I am scared that I will go into labor and that he will not be able to respond properly to the situation if he has been drinking, which is pretty much all the time that he is home. I'm also scared that I won't have the help I need in recovering from the c-section & that my anxiety will come back.  It will be hard on me to take care of a newborn, a 2 year old, and a 10 year old essentially by myself.

 

He is a very hardworker and provides for our family well.  He is very responsible in every other aspect of our lives. 

 

I just feel like he hates me & doesn't want me anymore but he hates to be wrong and I think he doesn't want to admit it.  It makes me feel like he is just not being honest with me about how he feels because why would he treat someone he loves like that?  Logically I can tell myself that it is not my problem and that its nothing I did, but emotionally it's not that easy. 

 

I know that there is a "surviving abuse" forum, but I do not have the required number of posts to be a part of the group.   Any input or support would be appreciated.  Thank you.

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#2 of 14 Old 05-16-2013, 11:17 PM
 
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That sounds terrible. Would he ever go to counselling? There are a lot of red flags. Keeping your daughter up to keep playing with her, wanting her to stay in your bed, never being intimate with you. You do not have to stay in this relationship. I would seriously start documenting things that happen. Especially if he is abusing your son as well.
 

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#3 of 14 Old 05-16-2013, 11:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He went to one counselling appointment with me.  I think the therapist didn't want to scare him off since it was the first appointment for us together, so we didn't really talk a whole lot about what he is doing wrong.  So my husband painted a different picture for the therapist I feel. 

 

What makes me upset about our girl is that he is constantly undermining me as a parent.  If I say it's bedtime, he says I am being mean to make her stop playing.  And he literally went and got her out of her crib just to upset me & throw it in my face to make me look like the meanie.  He is pitting her against me but won't admit it.  I honestly am not worried about him being abusive to her as in sexually or anything.  It just bothers me that he uses her to avoid communicating and connecting with me.  Like if he has her up and is spending time with her and paying attention to her, then he ignores me & won't talk to me....as if he is so engrossed & focused on her.  He uses the dog and sports for the same purpose.  Anything to avoid interacting with me & my son.  He won't even eat meals with us. 

 

He will go literally days without saying a single word to my son.  And usually when he finally does speak to him, it's just being on his case about something. 

 

It makes me very sad. :(  I wonder sometimes if we will even make it through the next 6 weeks til the new baby is born....then what?  I feel totally trapped, I am now a stay at home mom & I am 100% financially dependent on him. 

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#4 of 14 Old 05-17-2013, 10:19 AM
 
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I am so very sorry for your situation.

 

I was a child who grew up with an alcoholic step-dad (and a little sister who was his biological daughter). I also went on to stay in an 11 year mentally / verbally / emotionally abusive relationship so I can connect to what you are saying on different levels.

 

My step-dad (my mom did eventually leave him when I was still in elementary school) was not abusive to my mom (other than being neglectful, unreliable and drunk all of the time as far as I could tell), but was very abusive to me. He definitely made a point of showing that I was the step-daughter and my sister was the perfect apple of his eye. My sister was bought presents and could do no wrong as a baby while I was locked in a room for hours (my mother went to night school and worked during the day, my step-father would stay at home and 'watch' us which, in his mind was locking me in a room and watching hockey). I was smacked around, had my neck roughly grabbed / squeezed, had my hair pulled and was just generally in fear of him because of the aggression he showed towards me. No broken bones or anything major but man the emotional trauma lasted for YEARS after my mom left him and as a teenager / young adult I still held onto resentment and anger that I only now understand after years of reflection.

 

I went onto to dating a boy in high school when I was 15 and latching onto a deeply unhealthy co-dependant relationship. His mother was also an alcoholic and he carried a lot of baggage from that (as I did from my past). We both brought lessons from our parents into our relationship... he had learned how to be an expert liar, sneak and cheat (which is how his mom got by in her various relationships in which she took advantage of men) and I was good at looking the other way, making excuses for his behavior, forgiving him (as my mom had done for her husband), holding out hope that he loved me, and thinking that if i just held on long enough it would just get better somehow. He also developed alcoholic tendencies and addictions to some other drugs. We got married at 22 and at 26 he was heavily pressuring me (while using mentally abusive tactics) to become pregnant. He argued that getting pregnant would solve all of our problems (he would stop cheating, drinking and being deceptive if he had a kid to motivate him to turn his life around he argued). Something snapped inside of me. I knew I wanted to be a mother... very very much so. BUT there was no way in hell I could EVER bring a child into this situation, all I could remember was the torment I went through growing up in a house with unhappy parents and an alcoholic father figure. I realized that I had to either face never being a mother and staying with this guy or leave. So I left.

 

Left EVERYTHING I owned except for my car, my clothes and my laptop and moved into my mothers house again. I went through major depression, feeling like I was a burden to my family and had nothing to show for the last decade of my life. But I was also really excited for the potential to come and the relief I had given myself of not relying on this man anymore for love or affection or security. I faced a year of harassment from my ex, as he tried every tactic to reunite with me... from promises, to bullying, to downright stalking. I had to pay for the entire divorce by myself because he refused to cooperate and to spite me, he destroyed most of my possesions in the process I was hoping to recover (including items from my dead father that had deeply sentimental value). Yes I could have taken him to court and attempted to get some of the cost back but lawyers are expensive, it takes time and I was just so done. I just wanted out. I rather would have walked away with a clean slate then dragged it on for months / years. It was what was best for me and my health at the time. I also had no money to put towards a lawyer (I had been laid off of my job the same month I left him... and was broke in every sense of the word).
 

I am now 29, 8 months pregnant and married to THE MOST loving, caring, supportive husband I could ever ask for. I spent a year by myself and spent that time in deep reflection, and getting to know myself and my patterns that got me into such a mess in the first place. I made a promise to myself not to date anyone and just focus on me, what I needed, and what I needed to do to never fall into that position again. I moved out of the country to get a job that allowed me a lot of financial freedom, paid off all of my debts, lived in my very own apartment by myself for the first time in my life.

 

Why am i telling you all of this?

 

Because I want you to know that ...

 

a) You and your children in your current situation are suffering. I know exactly what it is like to be in both your son and your situation and it's NOT WORTH IT. No one in this world is worth making you feel anything less than a valued, loved, important human being. If either you or your son are feeling less than that, it's time to change something.

 

b) It will get better. It may seem hard right now and downright impossible... but I promise you IT WILL GET BETTER if you leave. I never realized what kind of hell I was living in until I left it. The relief, the confidence, the peacefulness... I hadn't realized what I was missing out on until I had it again.

 

c) If I can leave everything I ever owned, my pets, my financial stability, and my country, all while penniless, you can do this. You have a family... you are their daughter / sister / aunt / etc. You have their grandchildren / nieces / nephews / cousins , etc. Let them rally around and support you. Don't be afraid to ask for help. There are many programs out there to help women in your position out there. Don't be afraid to use your family and your community to get out and in return, you will be able to turn around and in time, transform into an independent, productive, loving, caring, happy person who is able to provide her children with a happy, healthy, home.

 

d) Your children need a happy healthy mother. You can't look after them properly if you aren't looking after yourself and your emotional, mental, and physical well being. He doesn't have to be your husband to be your daughter's father. After my mother left my step-father he still was a constant in my sister's life (for awhile at least... that's a whole other heartbreaking story there). Your children will learn how to treat people, and how to expect to be treated by following their mother's example. Show them to expect nothing less of kindness, respect, compassion and caring from a partner and to not accept anything less from themselves when interacting with other people. You don't want either your son, your daughter or your expected baby to learn that this is what a relationship should look like.

 

e) Yes he might offer to change... I know my ex did the 1000 times I threatened to leave him. Many promises, many half-fast attempts that quickly fizzled out. Maybe your partner is different, maybe he actually might change for the better of his family. Maybe. But that's work for him to do on his own time and in the meantime, you need to look after you, and your kids. If he puts honest effort, time and work into correcting his problems (including facing his alcoholism and not drinking anymore) then explore the option of being a family and rebuilding that trust again but only then. My experience with alcoholics and drug abusers is that they won't let it go until they've hit rock bottom. Maintaining the family at your and your children's sacrifice allows him to maintain his comfort level and enables him to keep doing what he's doing... while everyone else suffers for it.

 

 

I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. I see a lot of myself in your situation. It can and will get better. I promise you this. You are worth it, your children are worth it, and don't let him or anyone else try to suggest otherwise.

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#5 of 14 Old 05-17-2013, 06:32 PM
 
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1-800-799-SAFE is the number for the National Domestic Abuse Hotline.  They would be able to direct you to resources in your area.  There might be counseling services or legal services that could help you out near you.  You and your children deserve better, whether it's with this guy after he gets some serious help or without him.  Just posting here shows that you want better things for your family.


Excited, anxious and proud to be pregnant for the first time! My partner and I can't wait to meet the little boy sometime around Sept 20th.

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#6 of 14 Old 05-17-2013, 08:30 PM
 
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I left a bad marriage about three years ago. I took my three kids, ages 11, 9 and 7 and moved back in with my parents. I was a stay home mom and had been completely financially dependent on my ex too.

 

I can tell you that it sucks to begin with. It's hard and sad and lonely. I never found myself missing my ex, just missing what being married meant to me. And I walked away from 13 years of "stuff." I'm talking materialistic things too which is a hard transition.

 

But, there is a much better and brighter place on the other side. I promise you that the kind of happiness you may feel now and then in your current life is nothing compared to real and genuine happiness. They say that you never know how unhappy you were until you find true happiness. It's true.

 

Do what you have to do and make it happen. It took courage to post this here and it will take a ton more courage to leave but you are on the right path.

 

Good luck to you! Wishing you well!
 

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#7 of 14 Old 05-26-2013, 07:30 PM
 
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I too know how you feel, been with the father of my kids for about 9 years now bit we never did get married. The relationship has been hard from the very beginning because he is extremely jealous and controlling, and overrides me in nearly all parenting matters. I have attempted to leave But came back because I am financially dependent on him even though he's had held little dependable jobs. I have met men who treated me better but always ended up messing up the relationship with them because of my kids dad. I have family but they are to the point that they don't want to help if I just go back to him anyway. he has never hit me but my opinion is the emotional abuse can be worse than physical and sometimes would rather him hit me and get it over with. I Have 3 kids with him and a 4th on the way. greensad.gif it's so emotionally agravating.
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#8 of 14 Old 05-26-2013, 08:39 PM
 
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ive been in a similar situation... getting out is hard but staying is much harder.. the calm that overwhelms you when you realize someone isnt going to abuse you anymore... that alcohol wont be a center point in your life ( regardless if you use it yourself with an alcoholic partner its presence is always there).. i wish you the best of luck and alot of strength. praying for you.

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#9 of 14 Old 05-26-2013, 09:37 PM
 
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Desertsunrise78,
You and your family are in my thoughts. Only you know what you can and need to do with your life and family but know that there is support out there. Lilmamita gave you at hotline number which was great. I am sure you could find in a phone book a support hotline number for resources in your area avaiable to you if you are worried searching this stuff on the web. If you ever get to the point that you are scared for your safety there is always the Emergency Department which should provide Sexual and domestic abuse (mental or physical) treatment and support (for example, shelter options and a safety plan if you decide to stay with your partner). Take good care.
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#10 of 14 Old 05-26-2013, 10:04 PM
 
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Your children and you deserve better. Don't let fear make you a prisoner when you could all have a better life someday soon!
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#11 of 14 Old 05-27-2013, 12:19 AM
 
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You and your husband are the primary role models for your children.  The abusive behavior that they are experiencing will eventually become part of your children.  If you want the cycle of abuse to continue and be passed down to your children stay put.  

 

I hope you can find the strength and the ability to, be brave, be strong, and get your children out of an abusive environment.

 

The fact that you posted on this site says you want the circumstances to change.  While this is a good start it is imperative you take a more proactive approach before DHS (Department of Human Services) steps in and takes your children.  An alcoholic is a ticking bomb.  Get out before it explodes.

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#12 of 14 Old 05-28-2013, 09:18 PM
 
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Though this site is geared towards young adults, the info it has is applicable to your situation. It's an interactive safety plan guide. With the situation you're describing, you need to have a safety plan in place:

 

http://www.loveisrespect.org/get-help/safety-planning


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13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
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#13 of 14 Old 05-29-2013, 02:18 AM
 
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Hi desertsunrise78, I relate to a lot in your post, and I have been diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder and am mid-pregnancy now.  Based on your post I can see why you would feel helpless and extremely sad.    While your husband might be incredibly wrong for what he is doing, sometimes there is just not a "perfect solution", and I know exactly how it feels to be trapped. 

 

So, I have a few suggestions for you, some of which may or may not be applicable.  You are in a hostile environment, and I do not blame you one bit if you feel leaving is the best thing for you.  If you decide to stay with him for at least the time being, here is what I think:

 

1. Right now is a definite survival mode situation, where I'd call in some coping skills that might not normally be a good idea.  Delay, denial, distraction: all things that might be useful.  Focus on the issues that you can do something about and worry about what comes next after you are recovered from producing a beautiful new baby.  If it is not feasible to move some place else, which is something I would consider at least temporarily in your shoes until your husband can get the help and intervention he needs, then you need to avoid how bad you are feeling about how is he and his avoidance of you might be to your advantage to create a sanctuary.  Either way, you are in a desperate situation and if you need social services, get them ASAP.

 

2. If you don't want to get social services, can you hire a doula, or at least threaten to?  Money motivates my husband more than anything else. If I told him I am hiring a doula to help prepare me for the birth and that she is 20/hour and all the various reasons I need her, such as night training the toddler, he would immediately start to "care" and get our two-year old out of  the bed at night, keep her on a schedule, lay off drinking, Etc.  What would motivate him most is that third party "voice" that validates my needs.  It sounds like your husband has a lot of toxic anger, and getting a third party in, no matter who they are, is going to make him stop and think and very likely be more mindful, because they aren't confronting him directly.  Just getting somebody there to TALK about what you are going through might knock some kind of self consciousness into him. I'd avoid using anyone from his side of the family, however, and attacking hij will just make him drink more.

 

3. I think the main concern here is that he is allowing your daughter to be a pawn between you guys.  Based on everything you have said, this is what concerns me and might not be resolvable. I basically think this guy needs to be strongly confronted; it's definitely in deal breaker territory.  The question is when.  If you feel like he is going to continue to do that, then you need to consider doing whatever is necessary.  But do you think you can hang in there for a few more months? Set a date on your calendar perhaps that you can reassess things if you can find a way to keep your daughter out of his way for a little longer. 

 

The good news is that based on what you are telling there is nothing going on that puts you in immediate danger and you will find a way to make everything work out the best it possibly can because you love your kids.  So there are those babies to look forward to no matter what happens and you are incredibly important and special whether your husband is willing to see it or not.  My heart goes out to you, you don't deserve this, and I am sorry you are in this situation.  Love yourself, Mama, and ask for help until you get it.

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#14 of 14 Old 05-29-2013, 06:01 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Shull View Post 

But, there is a much better and brighter place on the other side. I promise you that the kind of happiness you may feel now and then in your current life is nothing compared to real and genuine happiness. They say that you never know how unhappy you were until you find true happiness. It's true.

I agree with that.  When I think back to what passed to me as 'normal' or a 'happy feeling' it doesn't compare to what, five years later, is actually a happy life situation I can relax in, with a partner who I totally trust in every way to be good to me.


nak.gif Relentless mommy of 2 mancubs, 8 & 10 years old.... and now a little lady (Oct 2013)!      computergeek2.gif   http://relentlessmommy.com   
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