Just can't get excited - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 29 Old 06-10-2013, 04:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know what's wrong with me.  I knew when we started trying that I wasn't ready, but honestly didn't think I'd ever be ready, so we just went for it.  I figured once I got pregnant, I'd be happy.

 

But I'm not.

 

I'm sick (not throwing up, but feel sick ALL the time).  At only 13 weeks, I'm starting to get pelvic pain when I stand on one leg.  I'm dreading my first prenatal visit because I've never had a good pelvic exam.  I resent not being able to travel at the end of the year.  I'm dreading bleeding for weeks after the birth.  I'm afraid it'll be a boy and I won't bond with him.  I miss my job already and I'm nowhere near maternity leave.  I hate people giving unsolicited advice.  I feel like no one sees me as a person anymore, but just a pregnant woman and mother.

 

Seriously, what am I supposed to do?

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#2 of 29 Old 06-10-2013, 11:09 PM
 
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I feel like this is the part no one tells you about being pregnant. Everyone only talks about the happy stuff. I'm going to say it and say it loud-- YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOVE BEING PREGNANT. It's really, really okay. I wish someone had said that to me. Every friend who has been pregnant since I had my son has called me crying with similar feelings.

 

I felt a lot of these same feelings in the first and second trimesters. It took us twelve cycles to conceive and a part of me felt like it was never going to happen. You would think when I finally got pregnant I would be over the moon. I wasn't. I didn't feel like the miracle of life was happening inside of me. I felt like something was sucking the life out of me. It felt icky and I felt guilty. I kept saying, "If this baby lives/ if this baby makes it/ if this is a viable pregnancy" whenever I talked about it until I was at least 20 weeks.

 

It got better when I started to feel the baby move. He wasn't just stealing my life force--I was growing him. I started to feel a little more connected. I also said we would never do more ultrasounds than strictly necessary but we caved and had an elective 3D ultrasound done at 28 weeks. It really did help me bond to see his face and see him moving inside of me.

 

I can confidently say when I gave birth to him I didn't love him. I was really starting to like the idea of having a baby and I did really want to meet him but I couldn't love him--I didn't KNOW him. I wasn't really excited to have a baby. I wanted to stay pregnant as long as possible. Shopping for him was unbelievably stressful and overwhelming. I wanted to meet him but I also dreaded how our life would change. 

 

I can also confidently say that I love him more than anything in the world now. The first few weeks are really hard but when they start sleeping more and being aware of their surroundings and smiling at you it starts to get just a little bit amazing. Now he is absolutely the most important thing in my life and it's hard to remember back to when I felt the way I did. I also find myself excited to have another. Give yourself time. Don't be afraid to talk to someone. Find someone you trust and hash out these feelings. Chances are you know someone who feels the same way you do. Don't be afraid to get help. Cut yourself a lot of slack.

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#3 of 29 Old 06-11-2013, 12:35 AM
 
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The "happiness" you thought you'd feel is an illusion brought on by the media. I only know of a few women who felt happy that early in their pregnancies and it was only because they had been wanting a baby for a long time. Most of the time a woman feels emotionally overwhelmed, worrisome, and anxious. She is puking a lot or feeling nauseous, she's unbelievably tired and she often has other kids to chase after or she has to go to work or school. Its not fun by any stretch of the imagination. Some women start to get more energy and the nausea fades away in the second trimester, and this is also when you start to feel the baby move around. Its normal to feel a little more excited during this time. Dont feel bad if you dont feel good until well after your baby is born, though. This is a totally new experience, in many ways its taxing on the mind and body, you have a lot of adjusting to do on all levels and its extremely rare for it to be effortless and flawless and full of sparkles and rainbows. That is a dumb myth created by Hollywood. You are a real person who is going through tremendous upheaval. Be gentle with yourself when you're doing your best to adjust to it all. Your body is going to go through a lot of changes up to and after your baby is born, educate yourself on pregnancy, birth, and postpartum now so none of it will be too shocking. I wish i had read more about the postpartum period when i was pregnant with my first because i wasnt prepared for how low i felt physically and emotionally and how difficult it was to adjust to caring for a newborn. Please know that feeling happy and lovey dovey is a gradual thing that comes usually after your baby is born and sometimes not for another month or two after that. Its okay and it definitely doesnt mean that something is wrong or you're going to be a bad mother. Also, ignore all the random advice, we all get that, its obnoxious and its not going to stop for awhile.
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#4 of 29 Old 06-11-2013, 02:12 AM
 
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The "happiness" you thought you'd feel is an illusion brought on by the media. I only know of a few women who felt happy that early in their pregnancies and it was only because they had been wanting a baby for a long time. Most of the time a woman feels emotionally overwhelmed, worrisome, and anxious. She is puking a lot or feeling nauseous, she's unbelievably tired and she often has other kids to chase after or she has to go to work or school. Its not fun by any stretch of the imagination. Some women start to get more energy and the nausea fades away in the second trimester, and this is also when you start to feel the baby move around. Its normal to feel a little more excited during this time. Dont feel bad if you dont feel good until well after your baby is born, though. This is a totally new experience, in many ways its taxing on the mind and body, you have a lot of adjusting to do on all levels and its extremely rare for it to be effortless and flawless and full of sparkles and rainbows. That is a dumb myth created by Hollywood. You are a real person who is going through tremendous upheaval. Be gentle with yourself when you're doing your best to adjust to it all. Your body is going to go through a lot of changes up to and after your baby is born, educate yourself on pregnancy, birth, and postpartum now so none of it will be too shocking. I wish i had read more about the postpartum period when i was pregnant with my first because i wasnt prepared for how low i felt physically and emotionally and how difficult it was to adjust to caring for a newborn. Please know that feeling happy and lovey dovey is a gradual thing that comes usually after your baby is born and sometimes not for another month or two after that. Its okay and it definitely doesnt mean that something is wrong or you're going to be a bad mother. Also, ignore all the random advice, we all get that, its obnoxious and its not going to stop for awhile.

This is so how I felt and feel I had to post. I had a friend who kept telling me about how HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY her pregnant friends were and she would poke fun and tell me I'll be miserable.

Well guess what? I was! To this day I think to myself how silly and neive my friend was for believing what her pregnant friends were saying. It's just not the whole truth she was getting... That's for SURE.

I had to quit a very exciting job where I worked for one of the coolest companies in the world. I had to move 300 miles away from a place I really loved to be closer to the "family and friends" who were my support system (did NOT turn out like I thought lol) and I even had to watch my 75 pound weight loss I worked SO HARD FOR creep back onto my body.

Let me say that I loved feeling DD move inside me, I loved her sweet newborn face the second I saw her. But NO I was not prepared for anything after birth and I had a pretty standard experience. I'm pregnant with my second and cannot believe how crappy I feel! Much worse MS, food aversions, vaginal infections and body changes I'm really not loving.

I can't imagine loving another kid as much as I love DD either. That's another layer I struggle with. But I can't wait to meet her! Even after all this muck I wrote above. It changed my life for the better, it's all about perspective for me. smile.gif

geek.gif Mama + superhero.gifDaddy +energy.gifDD (12/20/09) = heartbeat.gif

Expecting stork-girl.gif #2 in September!

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#5 of 29 Old 06-11-2013, 02:51 AM
 
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Oh, meow. I echo the others - these feelings are so normal and natural. For lots of women, pregnancy just isn't fun. The only thing you are supposed to do is take care of yourself. And I don't say that for your baby, I say that for you. Self care is one of the most important things you can do right now.

At 13 weeks you are also at, what I at least would consider, one of the crappiest times in your pregnancy. Pain happens as your body is adjusting to make room for your growing uterus - it might go away in a few weeks or get easier to manage. For me it subsided significantly by week 16/17. The food aversions, nausea, and exhaustion were the worst for me around that time. I remember saying over and over again, " I just want to feel like me again. I just want one normal day." Eventually I got there, or at least, pretty close, but it took a while, probably not until at least week 14/15 to have just one good half-day.

If there's one thing I don't think we women have done very well over time as we become mothers, it's this. There is so much pressure on us from the media and well-intentioned others to feel elated about being pregnant. To glow. To welcome every change in our bodies and lives as a gift. When really what we need is honesty, that it's not all sunshine and rainbows, and that's OK. A couple days after I found out I am pregnant, I had to take a long drive solo for a business trip, and I found myself perusing pregnancy audiobooks to keep me company. I came across Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy - written about her very un-fun pregnancy and birth, and before she got political. It was about three hours long, the exact length of my trip, and I laughed my a$$ off. If humor helps you, you might enjoy it, too.

About other people - I learned pretty quickly that there is one socially acceptable answer to the "how are you feeling" question. Many people don't want your honesty and may make you feel guilty for not perpetuating the myth that you have to feel fantastic and grateful all the time. You can protect yourself from them by coming up with some rehearsed lines "I have my good days and bad days", or something like that that works for you. And please, forgive the all caps, but OF COURSE YOU HATE UNSOLICITED ADVICE - it is insensitive and uncomfortable and rude and UGH! I could go on and on here. The bad news is that it doesn't stop. What I have learned is that trying to make it stop only makes it harder on ME, as I start to feel like I'm at war, defending myself and my new family. The good news is that... Well, OK, there is no good news but there are things you can do to make it a little easier to take. Again this goes back to self care. 1) you can try to remember that unsolicited advice is almost always about the adviser needing validation for their own decision, and not actually about you. This might cause you to feel a little sorry for them, which isn't as taxing on your emotions as being angry with them. 2) you can try to create some clever visualizations, like you are coated in something slippery or bouncy, and every time someone gives you unsolicited advice you can picture it falling off of you or just not sticking no matter how hard they try. 3) you can vent about it here with lots of women who get it, and 4) you can again develop rehearsed responses that work for you, such as "we're keeping that private". This one I have found myself practicing a lot lately - just found out we're having a boy and within 24 hours of announcing it on Facebook a friend called to share her views on circumcision. It was completely unsolicited and judgmental and blindsiding. Whether I agree with her or not, my kid's penis is none of her business, period. "We're keeping that decision private."

Lastly, yes, I do agree with the others that some if this did start to feel easier to me once I could feel and see the baby. But that was a slow change, and I'm kind of in the middle of it now. I'm finally able to feel him move daily, not big bursts of movement but little wiggles occasionally. I picture him waving Hi, like we are introducing ourselves to one another. The ultrasounds helped a little, but also were a tad awkward, getting this picture of someone who I don't recognize, and don't know yet. Sometimes it helps me to think of it from his perspective, like, he doesn't know anyone in the world yet, and we're kind of in this together. I start to feel like maybe we're both scared and confused but at least we're on this journey together and we'll figure it out. But again, those feelings are very recent and didn't come until I knew he was probably healthy, I had seen him a couple times in an ultrasound, I could feeling him moving, and I had a name and/or pronoun to associate with him.

So, to circle back on your question, what are you supposed to do? I say, have a good cry or scream, and then go do something nice for yourself. Get a pedicure, splurge on a book or gadget you've been wanting, something fun just for you. Big hugs.

My wife (30) and I (32) have been legally married since 2006. We are proud queer mamas to baby W, born 10/10/2013.
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#6 of 29 Old 06-12-2013, 02:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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THANK YOU.  I still feel bad, but at least I kind of feel normal now.  My mom calls me EVERY day all excited (it's not even her first grandkid) and thinks it's terrible that I'm so ambivalent about the whole thing.  I mean, I try to sound excited, but it's really hard, especially since I'm looking at another business trip next week and am already praying the flight attendants are as good as the ones last week who kept me full of ginger ale for two hours. Sigh.  Miserable.

 

And I feel like I'm doing a disservice to the baby - like I should be more excited for its benefit.  Or that something's wrong with it and that's what I don't feel good.  I've read stories where parents don't get attached and it turned out there was something so wrong the baby died just after birth.  And of course that stresses me out.

 

Sigh.

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#7 of 29 Old 06-12-2013, 03:22 PM
 
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Oh, honey. I hear you. I pretty much hate being pregnant. We got pregnant on the first try, and in the moment I found out I was expecting I was very excited. Truly, I want this baby very badly, but I hate being pregnant. I feel guilty sometimes, because I had a previous loss and I 'should' be delighted with this pregnancy, but I am just not enjoying myself.

 

I spent the first four months somewhere between "kind of feeling awful" and "someone please kill me now" with nausea. I didn't have morning sickness, I had all-the-bloody-time sickness. Now it's 'could pounce on me at any time out of the blue' sickness. I've had round ligament pain since 5 weeks. Instead of a pregnancy glow, I got the cystic acne of a pubescent boy. I've been bullied out of nearly everything I enjoy because of others' perceptions of pregnancy and pregnant women (sports, travel, etc.). People say that in the second trimester, there should be a surge of energy; I'm at 18 weeks and waiting to have more than a few useful hours of wakefulness in a day. Baby has started moving, and it does let me kind of acknowledge him or her as a separate person. Psychologically, it's helpful, because it reminds me of the prize at the end of this nine month slog, but physically it's not altogether pleasant. And just yesterday the first of the Braxton Hicks showed up to make things even less pleasant.

 

I am trying to bond with baby, but it's hard with feeling rotten all the time. And it's double hard after a loss, because of the nagging fear that baby might not make it.

 

The Silver Lining is that I am very much looking forward to labor because that will mean that I'm no longer pregnant.

 

You're not alone.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

-MQ


SAH Princess, happily married to my adorable Nerf Herder

brokenheart.gif 2009 Expecting my rainbow1284.gif in November 2013

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#8 of 29 Old 06-12-2013, 03:47 PM
 
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THANK YOU.  I still feel bad, but at least I kind of feel normal now.  My mom calls me EVERY day all excited (it's not even her first grandkid) and thinks it's terrible that I'm so ambivalent about the whole thing.  I mean, I try to sound excited, but it's really hard, especially since I'm looking at another business trip next week and am already praying the flight attendants are as good as the ones last week who kept me full of ginger ale for two hours. Sigh.  Miserable.

And I feel like I'm doing a disservice to the baby - like I should be more excited for its benefit.  Or that something's wrong with it and that's what I don't feel good.  I've read stories where parents don't get attached and it turned out there was something so wrong the baby died just after birth.  And of course that stresses me out.


Sigh.

Your mother is doing you a huge disservice by making you feel bad about not being as excited as she is. And she does this every day?! That is really not okay, if i were you i would tell her to knock it off. You know your mom best so you'll know how to approach it without sounding too rude. Please make it clear to her that her comments about your feelings are hurting you, she needs to understand that she is not helping. Or you could just not answer when she calls for awhile to give her the message (thats what i would have to do if it were my mom because she doesnt listen very well). You need to do whats right for YOU right now and cut out anything thats harmful. Its easy for your mom to be excited, she's not the one having to deal with nausea, exhaustion and having to work. She also has had kids so she knows what its like to feel attached to them. There is nothing wrong with you and your fears about not feeling connected and how this could affect the baby are unfounded. MANY women dont feel connected to their babies until well after they're born, its perfectly normal. It doesnt mean there is anything wrong with them or the baby, its just the natural course of attachment. Right now you cant see your baby, you cant feel him/her and you dont even have a bump that shows his/her presence. All you've got is a positive pregnancy test, nausea, sleepiness and an annoying mother making you feel bad. Its simply not real enough yet for you to become emotionally attached or excited.

Also, with your first baby its even more difficult to connect because its all new territory--you have no clue how you're going to feel when your baby is born. Until you have an ultrasound or you feel your baby kick, its almost impossible for it to feel truly real. For your second baby and any others after that, you'll have the experience to know what its like to bond with your baby naturally so you probably wont feel anxious anymore about not being excited right away.
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#9 of 29 Old 06-12-2013, 04:39 PM
 
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Your mom can screw off. You're pregnant all the time; it's not like there are new developments every day to get excited about. THIS JUST IN: YEP, STILL PREGNANT is pretty much the newsreel.

 

When I was pregnant, I only wanted to be pregnant like half the time which I considered a pretty good average. I had the following feelings:

 

Good: yay a kid ooh large boobs

Bad: HOLY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE PUUUUUUUUUKE

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#10 of 29 Old 06-12-2013, 06:18 PM
 
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I hated being pregnant, even though it took us 3.5 years to get there. I had a dislocation of an SI joint, severe motion sickness that sometimes kept me from even sitting up, much less walking or getting into a car, and in the end prodomal labor 24/7 for over a month. My actual labor was only 7.5 hrs long and started out intense, so I didn't even get a slow build to prepare myself for it.

Coupled with a traumatic birth and pretty bad post-partum depression, it took me 5-6 months to love my son. This whole parenting thing is hard, and it sucks. But if you can make it through pregnancy and the first few months with an infant, I think it will probably work out just fine.

And your mom needs to shuuuut upppppp omg my folks were bad but at least they called every other or third day vs every day :(


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IUI#4 success! Welcome Guy V 11/14/12
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#11 of 29 Old 06-12-2013, 06:22 PM
 
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Oh, honey. I hear you. I pretty much hate being pregnant. We got pregnant on the first try, and in the moment I found out I was expecting I was very excited. Truly, I want this baby very badly, but I hate being pregnant. I feel guilty sometimes, because I had a previous loss and I 'should' be delighted with this pregnancy, but I am just not enjoying myself.

 

I spent the first four months somewhere between "kind of feeling awful" and "someone please kill me now" with nausea. I didn't have morning sickness, I had all-the-bloody-time sickness. Now it's 'could pounce on me at any time out of the blue' sickness. I've had round ligament pain since 5 weeks. Instead of a pregnancy glow, I got the cystic acne of a pubescent boy. I've been bullied out of nearly everything I enjoy because of others' perceptions of pregnancy and pregnant women (sports, travel, etc.). People say that in the second trimester, there should be a surge of energy; I'm at 18 weeks and waiting to have more than a few useful hours of wakefulness in a day. Baby has started moving, and it does let me kind of acknowledge him or her as a separate person. Psychologically, it's helpful, because it reminds me of the prize at the end of this nine month slog, but physically it's not altogether pleasant. And just yesterday the first of the Braxton Hicks showed up to make things even less pleasant.

 

I am trying to bond with baby, but it's hard with feeling rotten all the time. And it's double hard after a loss, because of the nagging fear that baby might not make it.

 

The Silver Lining is that I am very much looking forward to labor because that will mean that I'm no longer pregnant.

 

You're not alone.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

-MQ


THIS. SO THIS.

 

And I'm doing it a second time, too. (What the hell was I thinking? I'm never doing this again.) Labour is my second favorite part of being pregnant, because that means that the nine circles/months of hell are FINALLY OVER. Seriously, is it September yet?


Me (34) (PCOS), DH (36) and DD1 (4) and DD2(1). We are going to go for a third. Now, will we succeed?
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#12 of 29 Old 06-13-2013, 03:17 AM
 
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I feel the same as well! I haven't enjoyed anything about this pregnancy apart from the kicking. I had morning sickness until 20 weeks, my hips and ribs hurt, I'm huge and I am so fed up with being pregnant. Oh, and my abdominal muscles have split which gives me more to worry about as well. I cannot wait until September!
 

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#13 of 29 Old 06-13-2013, 04:16 AM
 
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THANK YOU.  I still feel bad, but at least I kind of feel normal now.  My mom calls me EVERY day all excited (it's not even her first grandkid) and thinks it's terrible that I'm so ambivalent about the whole thing.  I mean, I try to sound excited, but it's really hard, especially since I'm looking at another business trip next week and am already praying the flight attendants are as good as the ones last week who kept me full of ginger ale for two hours. Sigh.  Miserable.

And I feel like I'm doing a disservice to the baby - like I should be more excited for its benefit.  Or that something's wrong with it and that's what I don't feel good.  I've read stories where parents don't get attached and it turned out there was something so wrong the baby died just after birth.  And of course that stresses me out.


Sigh.

I'm glad you posted and are getting the opportunity to feel some support and normalization of your feelings from this amazing community. I really find your mother's behavior unhelpful. You'll decide how best to handle it within your relationship. I might suggest using this as an opportunity to practice disarming one-liners, and/or choosing for yourself whether talking to her every day is in your best interest. Pregnancy is a great time for all of us to learn a little healthy self-centeredness.

And also, I will beg you as others have begged me - please believe that your thoughts and feelings are not hurting your baby. The thoughts and feelings are going to happen, you can't prevent them, and if something were to go awry with your pregnancy it would not be because of them. The only negative effect is the pain and worry that gets put back on you, for which you can try to practice some coping skills, deep breathing, etc.. I had some of this fear in my first trimester and early 2nd, and talked to my midwife as well as a therapist whom I've known for years - both reassured me unequivocally that my baby would not be affected. I think for me this comes down to an issue of control, having a hard time trusting that things will be OK, and worrying that if they aren't it will be my fault, because somehow it being my fault would be easier to comprehend than accepting that bad things just randomly happen. If I can try to let go of my fear of the unknown, then I feel less pressure to try to contol the outcome.

ETA - forgive the psychoanalysis, but I just reread your post and I am wondering if you are internalizing your mother's judgement. For example, if you were having a hard time expressing to your mom the pain and anger you feel when she "thinks you are terrible", then perhaps you're taking those emotions out on yourself instead, by thinking that you are actually doing something terrible, like knowingly hurting your baby. If that feels accurate at all, then I would definitely suggest finding a way to distance yourself from your mother for a while and/or convincing her to change her tone/attitude ASAP. Because the "disservice" going on here isn't you towards your baby, it's your mom towards you.

My wife (30) and I (32) have been legally married since 2006. We are proud queer mamas to baby W, born 10/10/2013.
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#14 of 29 Old 06-13-2013, 05:27 AM
 
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I never really got super-excited when I was pregnant with my daughter. The most I managed was "I'm looking forward to getting this thing out of me" and sometimes "Hey, that's pretty awesome to feel her move". She was a wanted and planned baby, but the first trimester in particular sucked. I think I'm just realistic. Yeah, kids are awesome, but they're also a lot of work and they're not sunshine and roses all the time. I'm now in the first trimester with baby #2 and yep, it sucks. At least I have my daughter for reference now; I have a better feeling of what's going to happen. She is awesome and totally worth it, for sure. There are frustrating points as well but they don't outweigh that.  

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#15 of 29 Old 06-13-2013, 02:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Seriously, I am crying now.  I totally expected flaming in reply to my initial post, but you all have been so awesomely supportive.

 

I did get to see the baby kicking around on the ultrasound yesterday, so that helped a little bit.  

 

As for my mom, I don't know what to do about her.  I've stopped answering her calls and numerous FB messages, and she seems to have backed off a little bit (well, I was never actually talking to her every day).  I honestly think she was hoping this would be a bonding experience between us and it's just not going to be.  I don't know why - I guess I just don't like being pregnant and don't want to bond with anyone over it!

 

As an aside, how do you deal with the feeling of identity loss?  I went through this when I got married and never really got over it, and it's kicking in again.  I mean, I love being his wife, and I am looking forward to being a mom, but that's not my only identity and people seem to treat me as if it is.  I feel like I'm mourning the loss of myself.

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#16 of 29 Old 06-13-2013, 02:35 PM
 
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The 'identity loss' thing: I'm not letting it happen. Period.

 

I'm still doing everything I did before I got pregnant (as long as I feel ok). I'm dressing the same (heels and jewels and eyeliner and all). I will be fastening my baby's car seat into my 2-door convertible. I am not letting anyone notice anything different about me while I'm pregnant and I don't see becoming a different person after baby is free range. I firmly believe that a baby should add to your life, not take your life away and replace it with a different one.

 

I hope you're able to find ways to keep yourself while adding a little one to your family.

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SAH Princess, happily married to my adorable Nerf Herder

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#17 of 29 Old 06-13-2013, 02:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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. I firmly believe that a baby should add to your life, not take your life away and replace it with a different one.

 

 

See, this is MY belief as well!  Unfortunately, friends and family seem to disagree.  Even DH is like, "You know we can't travel for a few years now."  Excuse me?  I know people have dragged their infants all over the world, how can we not take one on a simple flight to visit Grandma and Grandpa or something?  It's very frustrating.  And if one more person responds to my FB announcement by calling me "mama", I will scream.  I am NOT their mama, I am still the same friend they had before.  Right?  Ugh.  I mean, I'm still acting the same, doing the same things, as far as morning sickness will allow and my friends think that's weird - like I should be nesting through my entire pregnancy or something.  I don't know - should I?

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#18 of 29 Old 06-13-2013, 02:51 PM
 
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Your mom can screw off. You're pregnant all the time; it's not like there are new developments every day to get excited about. THIS JUST IN: YEP, STILL PREGNANT is pretty much the newsreel.

 

When I was pregnant, I only wanted to be pregnant like half the time which I considered a pretty good average. I had the following feelings:

 

Good: yay a kid ooh large boobs

Bad: HOLY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE PUUUUUUUUUKE

YES! I'm about 18.5 weeks right now, and I'm finally finally feeling good pretty much every day this last week, unless I forget my B6 or don't drink enough (sparkling water saved my butt big time). Up until this point, I'm been leaning way more towards what the heck did I get myself into and why did I think this was a good idea. It helps to see the baby on ultrasound once they start looking like a baby, but it still wasn't real to me at that point. I've started beeing able to feel the baby move almost every day mostly right before bed or first thing in the morning but sometimes during the day, and I think that has made it more real than anything.

 

I still feel a bit disconnected, though. Maybe because I don't know the sex yet (next week I hope to find out), so I feel weird calling the baby it--like it's not a real person yet. However, every week I feel a little more connected and more excited.

 

EDIT: Most of the first trimester I felt sucky all the time, and every time someone asked about it, I had to restrain myself from not glaring and/or gagging in their direction. :) I really, really regretted getting pregnant at that point, and I felt so bad about that. I felt like I was drowning and had no way to save myself. It was so hard to be excited or happy or anything positive when I just felt horrible.

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#19 of 29 Old 06-13-2013, 06:38 PM
 
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Seriously, I am crying now.  I totally expected flaming in reply to my initial post, but you all have been so awesomely supportive.

I did get to see the baby kicking around on the ultrasound yesterday, so that helped a little bit.  

As for my mom, I don't know what to do about her.  I've stopped answering her calls and numerous FB messages, and she seems to have backed off a little bit (well, I was never actually talking to her every day).  I honestly think she was hoping this would be a bonding experience between us and it's just not going to be.  I don't know why - I guess I just don't like being pregnant and don't want to bond with anyone over it!

As an aside, how do you deal with the feeling of identity loss?  I went through this when I got married and never really got over it, and it's kicking in again.  I mean, I love being his wife, and I am looking forward to being a mom, but that's not my only identity and people seem to treat me as if it is.  I feel like I'm mourning the loss of myself.

I'm glad your mom has backed off some. It sounds like she was overdoing it with the whole bonding thing. I'm glad you're not having to listen to it now.

As far as identity goes, it will shift naturally over time. Its not really meant to be an overnight thing (like FB friends calling you "mama", i get why thats excessive and obnoxious). I know it can seem overwhelming to go from an individual who can stay up late, go out with friends, travel and whatever else you feel like doing to having to be mindful of a tiny person who is dependent on you. This doesnt mean your identity is taken away it simply shifts to include the changes that have occurred. You can still do the things you like within reason, its not like it will all get taken away. Your priorities will shift, though. Some of the things you enjoyed doing before you have a baby will seem less appealing and you'll do new things you've never done before. It all balances out. I see identity as being fluid rather than static. Getting married, for example, can make you feel like someone's wife and nothing else, like you mentioned, or you can learn to include this new identity with your sense of self. You will always be you, in other words, but sometimes "you" includes certain roles. These roles arent who you are, people can sometimes see you as only those things, but you know you're more than that. Just be yourself and ignore people who want to pigeon-hole you. Oh, and you can definitely travel with a baby, people do it all the time.
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#20 of 29 Old 06-13-2013, 08:10 PM
 
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I think a lot of the rules that people say about what you can do while pregnant and/or when you are a new parent are more about trying to draw lines in the sand to simplify life or avoid anxiety. Of course you can travel with an infant. But maybe your DH has some anxiety about the logistics of travelling that you're going to need to talk out in ways that you haven't had to in the past. Pregnancy for me has been a great conversation starter with my DW about setting expectations. What things are important to us to have not change? How are we going to make that work for us? I think that really helps me manage the anxiety about identity loss, to know we have a plan and are on the same page about our goals. We know that life is unpredictable and we made need to be flexible once life with baby is a reality and no longer hypothetical, but until then talking out our wants and needs is really helping us build a foundation for making those decisions in the future.

My wife (30) and I (32) have been legally married since 2006. We are proud queer mamas to baby W, born 10/10/2013.
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#21 of 29 Old 06-13-2013, 08:49 PM
 
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31 weeks with my third and still, not loving the pregnant. I know babies are nice, but not he cooking. It does get better for me by 16 weeks.

Baby is pretty abstract. Except her limbs at this point, ouch.

Identity. For me it came naturally and gradually. Pressed for time I kept the parts that were essentially me, and tossed the extraneous. Like a good editing job. New facets come in, how old they not, change is life.

Also my son took over two dozen flights his first year. Babies are fun to travel with.

Mama to Monkey (Jan '09), Bee (May '11), and Cat (August, '13)

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#22 of 29 Old 06-14-2013, 10:00 AM
 
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About the identity thing - I struggled with this a lot when I got married as well, and was worried about it when I was pregnant with DD. My mom kept telling me "you completely lose your identity - you're no longer AllisonRH but DD's mom". I hated that thought.

 

What helped me was when I went back to work when DD was a year (we get a year off for maternity leave in Canada). I literally threw myself into my job and made some really great momentum. I love my job and truly enjoy every minute of it (ok - most minutes of it...). I am still loving my job even though I'm now 20 weeks preg with #2. I'm a little bit dreading the break in my career progress this baby will cause.

 

I also continued to dance which is a passion of mine. I wasn't able to do the 4 classes a week I was doing before I had DD, but I made sure to do 1 class a week to have time just for me to do something I love. I strongly recommend if you have a passion for a hobby or activity to sign up for something regular that gives you a chance to focus on yourself only. I have great friends at dance that see me as me, not DD's mom, not DH's wife. And it gives DH bonding time for him and DD without me around.

 

I'm so happy you posted this as it is so common but not what people want to talk about.

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#23 of 29 Old 08-22-2013, 11:07 AM
 
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Oh man, this is the most timely post. I am just not excited about being pregnant. I wish I could just fast-forward to the awesome having-the-baby-be-here part and skip this whole pregnant bit, and that is very different from how I was with the others. I don't even want to tell people we are pregnant, and so I keep putting it off. At some point I will be too round to hide it, (I am 14 weeks now and have a definite little belly, but am playing it off as just being fat) and tehn all the commenting will begin.

 

"Wow, don't you have 3 kids already?"

"You do know what causes pregnancy, right?"

"You really need to get a different hobby!"

SIGH

 

YES this will be my 4th child. That's fine with me, it's exactly how I wanted it, exactly how I planned it, timed perfectly. This child is no accident, it's a gift from God, and I resent having to smile and nod while people judge me for it. I work at Starbucks, and my customers all think they know me, so they feel comfortable saying things to me, but really, I don't share much about my life there. So I get lots of weird borderline-rude comments and questions and I am just too tired to even think about dealing with it right now.

 

My mother never calls me, and when I call her, she only wants to talk about herself. My husband is never home (busy season at work) and isn't much one for talking anyway. Right now there isn't much that seems exciting to me, and being pregnant is more of an inconvenience than a joy. I feel like an awful person for even thinking that, but there it is.

 

Vent much? :) Sorry about that, you ladies are gems, so glad to have you all here.

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#24 of 29 Old 08-22-2013, 08:06 PM
 
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I totally relate.  I know it's 'normal' to feel this way, but it still sucks.  I'm feeling that I look awful this pregnancy.  I'm not wanting to go anywhere.  I'm not a glowing picture of pregnancy, nor do I want to be, which I find a little bit unnerving.  These are huge adjustments and they are life.  We'll get through them.  At the same time, pregnancy is idealized which is why I avoid pregnancy magazines.  I'm busy looking at Vogue and vowing to get back to my former self.  I feel like my body and mind and LIFE have been hijacked.  I'm sure the excitement will kick in, but, it's no fun going through the discomfort, the weight gain and everything else like the nausea, etc.  Hang in there!  You're not alone grouphug.gif

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#25 of 29 Old 08-22-2013, 08:25 PM
 
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Can u ladies help me out is this a positive
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#26 of 29 Old 08-23-2013, 05:37 PM
 
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Sure is!

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#27 of 29 Old 08-23-2013, 06:02 PM
 
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I'm not a huge fan of being pregnant either. I'd rather just skip to the baby. I like nursing and having a newborn in a sling, etc. I'm very active though and the physical weight and discomfort is irritating to me. People don't want to hear that though, so I keep it to myself. ;)

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#28 of 29 Old 11-02-2013, 09:56 AM
 
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I know this thread is a few months old- how is everyone feeling?

I'm 7 weeks along with my 5th pregnancy- I've had 3 m/c. This pregnancy was planned, and I thought I'd be excited, but I'm not. I can't even get excited about the idea of a baby and I can't really remember even wanting another baby- although obviously I did enough to TTC. I just feel like a dark, heavy blanket has been thrown over my world. I hope it's the hormones and that I'll feel different soon- I never felt like this with any of my other pregnancies and it's really unnerving. i cant help but wonder if something is wrong with the pregnancy, and my body knows, but i had an u/s yesterday and things looked fine (although it is still early.) I don't want to tell anyone i'm pregnant because I can't muster the expected excitement and joy- I feel horrible and guilty, but I just am not feeling it this time around.

Thanks for creating a safe space to discuss this. I feel like the world's worst pregnant woman greensad.gif but it's nice to know I'm not alone in this.

~may all beings be free from suffering~
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#29 of 29 Old 11-03-2013, 07:02 PM
 
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I'm on tp the 22 week or so and I'm feeling pretty good. That first trimester is the worst time. It only gets better from there! :)

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