Is there a group for mamas doing pregnancy over 40? - Mothering Forums
I'm Pregnant > Is there a group for mamas doing pregnancy over 40?
MyKittysMew's Avatar MyKittysMew 10:38 AM 07-08-2013

I just wondered. I am 41 and about 12 weeks pregnant #3. I am dealing with a different set of emotions, reactions, etc., and wondered if there was a group her for the over 40 mamas? (If I am just daft or blind and haven't found it, please point me in the right direction. Thank you. orngbiggrin.gif )



tracyamber's Avatar tracyamber 11:29 PM 07-08-2013

I'm still searching but I did find this thread.....http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1379906/anyone-here-over-40/20


crazymother's Avatar crazymother 12:01 AM 07-09-2013

It is not easy finding a social community of pregnant women age 40 and older and I don't know why.  Women are beginning to start their families in the late 30's and early 40's. 

 

Back in the day, so to speak, the average age of marriage was 18 and the average age of first pregnancy was 20 to 25.  I was 22 when I got married and had my first child at age 26, second at age 28 and third at age 43!!!  I am now age 58. 

 

I would love to hear from women my age with young children.  I know they are out there.


tracyamber's Avatar tracyamber 12:09 AM 07-09-2013
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazymother View Post

It is not easy finding a social community of pregnant women age 40 and older and I don't know why.  Women are beginning to start their families in the late 30's and early 40's. 

 

Back in the day, so to speak, the average age of marriage was 18 and the average age of first pregnancy was 20 to 25.  I was 22 when I got married and had my first child at age 26, second at age 28 and third at age 43!!!  I am now age 58. 

 

I would love to hear from women my age with young children.  I know they are out there.

I'm right there with you....age wise!! Support is good!


tracyamber's Avatar tracyamber 12:15 AM 07-09-2013

You could contact some of these members or post on this thread

http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1382291/pregnant-over-40


tracyamber's Avatar tracyamber 12:19 AM 07-09-2013

Hey you should just start a thread....I will join if I get pregnant in a couple of weeks...we are trying through IVF!!!!! I think this is a much needed thread to support mamas and I feel a lot of us still feel ashamed because we are older. I hav a 2 year old. Anyway, I need to go to bed and hope I am not rambling but if I am..congrats and I'm leaving now...lol!


MyKittysMew's Avatar MyKittysMew 12:37 AM 07-09-2013

It's lovely to "meet" you ladies anyway. smile.gif I had #1 when I was 25, #2 at 37 and I'm 41 now and either 11 wks 4 days, or 12 wks 4 days. (I got a little confused this weekend and am not sure now. lol) 

  One thing I am dealing with is the negative feedback (especially from my MIL) about danger of Downs, etc., and I really need some positive reinforcement right now. I am trying not to worry, but relax, get through all of the nausea, reflux and heartburn and take it one day at a time. 


somegirl99's Avatar somegirl99 03:00 PM 07-12-2013

wave.gif  I am 41 (will be 42 in 2 months) and 36 weeks pregnant with #2.   I had DS when I was 38
 


IsaFrench's Avatar IsaFrench 03:27 PM 07-12-2013

hi, am not pregnant now but had my children at 35, 37 and 43.

my youngest turned 6 recently ... and i'll turn 50 next week.

personnally, i'm not sure that being pregnant when older means a different set of emotions ... a MIL who his a pain in the neck ... would be irritating anyway, whatever age one would be !


tracyamber's Avatar tracyamber 07:22 PM 07-12-2013

The other day an acquaintance asked how our common friend (who now lives in France) is doing. I said "well she just had a baby" and she replied"wow she's pretty old" no joke.. and I gulped and said" We'll we are the same age and I'm trying to get pregnant again" In our society there is judgement about being an older mom and I also feel there is shame when one is an older mom. Sometimes I struggle with the shame.  anyone else?


IsaFrench's Avatar IsaFrench 07:17 AM 07-13-2013

not shame, irritation and anger in the face of RUDE people (= including a female cousin of mine, and we are only one month apart in age, and yes, we are both French !!! ... mind you, British MIL and her husband were VERY rude TOO just after i miscarried aged 42 .....)

 

said cousin, upon hearing that i was pregnant for the second time at the "ripe" age of 37, proceeded to ask me (not in a joking way AT ALL, very seriously ...) "aren't you a bit old to have a child ?" (since she had had her two children in her late twentie)

 

she's part of this cohort of people who imagine that if you do something they didn't get round to doing, THEREFORE you are "NOT normal"

 

i used to be rather quiet ...but nowadays, i sometimes cannot help blurting out ...."is that supposed to be polite  (in your country/language) ?"


lmk1's Avatar lmk1 04:38 PM 07-13-2013
Quote:
Originally Posted by MyKittysMew View Post

It's lovely to "meet" you ladies anyway. smile.gif I had #1 when I was 25, #2 at 37 and I'm 41 now and either 11 wks 4 days, or 12 wks 4 days. (I got a little confused this weekend and am not sure now. lol) 

  One thing I am dealing with is the negative feedback (especially from my MIL) about danger of Downs, etc., and I really need some positive reinforcement right now. I am trying not to worry, but relax, get through all of the nausea, reflux and heartburn and take it one day at a time. 

I'm a bit older than you, and having my 3rd...and she's perfectly fine.  Of course there is higher chance statistically of Downs, etc...but it's not a given that the baby will have something wrong with them.  I have 2 other healthy kiddos, with the first being born when I was 37.  I can't say our families were thrilled when they found out..but more because they're all 2 kid families...I don't really care.  I never thought I'd have a 3rd, but here I am.  The first trimester really kicked my butt too...happy to be done with that!


lmk1's Avatar lmk1 04:44 PM 07-13-2013

I'm not sure I understand about the "shame" of being older.  I chose to have kids once I was financially stable and had the kind of lifestyle that made kids easier to raise.  I'm happy that my "old" body is healthy enough to create and grow a healthy baby.  I'm not sure what there is to feel shame about...but I don't really depend on a lot of people, or on their opinions (not that there have been a lot of negative opinions or anything).  Dunno...I have a lot of friends in NY who are just starting their families in their late 30s and carrying on into their 40s and I it doesn't seem weird at all to me. I suppose if I was 50, then that would be a little unusual...but not unheard of.  I joke about being a geriatric mom...ha!


Katobi's Avatar Katobi 08:07 PM 07-14-2013
I'd like to know too. I'm 40, will be 41 at delivery with first.

I'll keep a lookout for threads in here. But it would be nice to chat with ladies of "advanced maternal age" as my doctor's office put it in a that folder of info you get on your first visit

I feel ZERO shame, in fact, I'm proud I waited to start a family. I put myself first and got a solid education and focused in my career so I would have a legacy to pass into my child. My entire family is thrilled--husband and I have been together for 16 years. We decided to live and really get to know one another before bringing a child into the mix. I also find that there are more women like me so I won't be the only "old" mom at the PTA when the time comes.

I celebrate my age and I won't allow anyone to poo-poo on my party.
tracyamber's Avatar tracyamber 12:15 PM 07-15-2013

Well, maybe one of us should just start a 40's pregnant  and lovin it thread....anyone? If there is another thread out there..which I have looked:it's old and archived and we should just do a current one.

I love hearing all of your perspectives. I feel shame...I guess that is real for me and it is important for me to acknowledge those feelings and move past them. Part of it is staying in the present and not thinking about being 60 years old when I hav e 20 year old son..will he be ashamed?It's in the future and I cannot change it.

Maybe chatting with you all will help me to move past it. I did not meet the love of my life until I was 35...what can I say. And mothering my son is the best gift anyone has ever given me and I hope to add to my family soon.

So if anyone of you decide to start a thread come back here and post the link so we can all move over there.......blahblah.gif

 

I Like:

lmkl said" I'm happy that my "old" body is healthy enough to create and grow a healthy baby".  More power to us!!!

Katobi said"I celebrate my age and I won't allow anyone to poo-poo on my party."  Yea, I feel charged!!!

 somegirl99 said"I am 41 (will be 42 in 2 months) and 36 weeks pregnant with #2" Awesome!!


rcr's Avatar rcr 01:16 PM 07-15-2013

I am not yet 40, but I am 39. We tried for 5 years and ended up using donor embryos to finally get pregnant - so I feel like I still qualify in an "over 40" thread even though I am not 40 yet. We live in the south, where most of our friends had kids really young. All of my close friends have kids in college or high school. I am dreading announcing my pregnancy because I know people will talk.

 

The embryos were not as old as me (so to speak), so I don't really have any "advanced maternal age" issues.

 

 There is a bit of shame for me too (like tracy said). I am trying to not feel it, but it is most definetely there, especially since we used donor embryos. Part of the time I am happy that I lived the life I did in my 30s and 20s, got a great education (Ph.D), and job, and partied my butt off for a really long time Sheepish.gif. But part of me feels a lot of shame after dealing with infertility for so long and finally being pregnant at 39. I am still working through all of this. Infertility takes time to recover from.


rcr's Avatar rcr 01:20 PM 07-15-2013

Just to add:

 

lmkl - you said that you don't understand the shame in being older. I don't think I would have understood either, being in NY. I lived in Chicago for many years and people being pregnant in their late 30s and 40s was normal and expected. Now that I live in the deep south, the story is different. There is definetely shame in it in many parts of the country. I was kinda shocked by it when I first moved down to the south. Sitting in the doc office waiting room with grandmothers who are younger than me (with their 14 year old pregnant daughters - a pregnancy that they are very happy of), brings shame.


tracyamber's Avatar tracyamber 01:45 PM 07-15-2013

Thanks RCR for the validation. I was thinking in the shower that most of the shame I feel is not from people  don't know but mostly my close friends and family....who are all from the south and /or have conservative thought. Yep,Thanks for sharing your experience. I feel less alone. And yet inspired by your experience of infertility for so many years and now.....you are pregnant with a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope I am next.


rcr's Avatar rcr 02:42 PM 07-15-2013

Tracy - yea, what is it with the south? I am not originally from here, and I am often puzzled by how different things are than in the midwest (where I am from). I really hope you are next too!
 


RiverSky's Avatar RiverSky 02:49 PM 07-15-2013
42 and my fourth child is due in August. Far from feeling shame, I am quite proud and tell/remind people all the time that I am 42 and feeeling FINE!!! I even joke that when I was a child, I didn't think you could have babies at 42. I feel like a super woman!!! Perhaps I have never noticed a negative response (we live in Florida) because I beat them all to the punch with big smiles and excitement??

Congrats everyone!
IsaFrench's Avatar IsaFrench 02:39 AM 07-16-2013

what helped me loads is that i had a book (an old edition, published in the UK in the mid 80's i think, which i baught in the "cancelled" basket of my local library in the early 90's) which was a collection of accounts by women of various types of their pregnancies over 35 or 40 (happening from the 60' to the 80' apparently, prejudice against older Mom was even more widespread 30 to 40 years ago ...)

 

and i read that when i wasn't even yet 32, "to prepare" myself ... in case i wouldn't succeed getting pregnant easily when the time would be "right" for me (which ended up being about 3 years later ....)

 

i don't have the book anymore (lent it to someone in the US who seemed to need it more than i did, since by then i had kept it for 10 years, re-reading it regularly "to recharge my batteries" so to speak ... and had got 3 children at 35, 37 and 43) and cannot recall the title ...

 

i didn't feel shame ... but i can readily understand how isolating it can be in your situation, if you live amongst people for whom what you are doing is not considered "normal" ... i don't think i would have lived it so well if i hadn't had my book to read regularly for 10 years (it was my own, portable, "support group" LOL)

 

another thing that helped me a lot whenever some people were making comments, was that the wife of the then prime minister of GB, got pregnant at 46 (in the year 2000) so i would just mention it in passing ....

 

+ it's not because other older moms do not feel shame that you shouldn't feel validated in your feelings ...

it's often the case that "close friends and family" ... have their own agenda regarding the relationship between you and them

so they probably project on you the surprise//un-ease they feel about the forthcoming changes to your relationship that will be braught on by that pregnancy .....

good luck in managing it all !!!!


rcr's Avatar rcr 04:53 PM 07-16-2013
Quote:
Originally Posted by IsaFrench View Post

what helped me loads is that i had a book (an old edition, published in the UK in the mid 80's i think, which i baught in the "cancelled" basket of my local library in the early 90's) which was a collection of accounts by women of various types of their pregnancies over 35 or 40 (happening from the 60' to the 80' apparently, prejudice against older Mom was even more widespread 30 to 40 years ago ...)

 

and i read that when i wasn't even yet 32, "to prepare" myself ... in case i wouldn't succeed getting pregnant easily when the time would be "right" for me (which ended up being about 3 years later ....)

 

i don't have the book anymore (lent it to someone in the US who seemed to need it more than i did, since by then i had kept it for 10 years, re-reading it regularly "to recharge my batteries" so to speak ... and had got 3 children at 35, 37 and 43) and cannot recall the title ...

 

i didn't feel shame ... but i can readily understand how isolating it can be in your situation, if you live amongst people for whom what you are doing is not considered "normal" ... i don't think i would have lived it so well if i hadn't had my book to read regularly for 10 years (it was my own, portable, "support group" LOL)

 

another thing that helped me a lot whenever some people were making comments, was that the wife of the then prime minister of GB, got pregnant at 46 (in the year 2000) so i would just mention it in passing ....

 

+ it's not because other older moms do not feel shame that you shouldn't feel validated in your feelings ...

it's often the case that "close friends and family" ... have their own agenda regarding the relationship between you and them

so they probably project on you the surprise//un-ease they feel about the forthcoming changes to your relationship that will be braught on by that pregnancy .....

good luck in managing it all !!!!


Sounds like a good book. I wish you remembered the name. I will have to do some searching


IsaFrench's Avatar IsaFrench 05:09 AM 07-17-2013

i tried looking it up on the internet .... without success, sorry

(it was by chapters, it had a few accounts by stay at home moms, a few by working moms, a few by married moms, a few  by lesbian moms, a few stories by single moms ....)

 

this seems an interesting article

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

 

and this website seem to have quite a few interesting articles to read about ....

http://www.mothers35plus.co.uk/pregnancyover35.htm

 

i'll try asking the person i gave the book to is she recalls the title (but she moved house since ....)


IsaFrench's Avatar IsaFrench 05:39 AM 07-17-2013

where has my other post disapeared to ? (i need a nap LOL)

 

the minute i switched off the computer, i seemed to have the first few words of the title coming back to me ... & searched for it on Amazon.uk

i think that it's

Coming Late to Motherhood: Twenty Women Tell Their Stories (A Thorsons whole woman book) [Paperback]

Joan Michelson , Sue Gee

 

which they sell used for one penny only + postage costs on Amazon.uk


IsaFrench's Avatar IsaFrench 09:59 AM 07-17-2013

the reason i liked that book was that it didn't tell you what to do, it was 20 individuals saying how it had turned out for themselve (i think they had a list of questions to answer to, so that each story is roughly following the same format...)


MyKittysMew's Avatar MyKittysMew 04:32 AM 07-18-2013

That book sounds brilliant! I want to try to get a copy. Thanks for the recommendation, IsaFrench.

 

rcr, I feel nothing but absolute joy & celebration for you that you are wonderfully pregnant and finally getting that dream. Go mama!! In fact, I feel really upset by those people's attitudes who would rob you of any bit of the joy associated with this. Don't let them take it, you have earned the right to celebrate! hug2.gifjoy.gif

 

(Ugh, I can't scroll up enough to keep track of everyone's names without losing my post. I'm sorry!)  "Still trying mama", I really wish you good luck and success on your journey and really hope to see more of you here and celebrate with you too. hug2.gif

 

I had totally forgotten about Cherie Blair's pregnancy! I remember now that it was encouraging to me, as I had wanted to have at least one more child, but that was looking improbable then. I am so happy to be with a loving and supportive partner in having this and my last child. I'm in a much better place then when I was in my 20's and early 30's, and that comforts me too. I did not have any fertility treatments because I am disabled and figured that trying too hard would both be very difficult on my body, and maybe in a way pushing "fate". I felt deep inside that I would have 2 more children, and both times I fell pregnant I kind of had a "now is the time" feeling, but I left it with "higher powers" (or whatever) to make it happen. It is really a miracle for me, as I suppose I would not be the textbook case for the "healthy older woman" who had a good chance of conceiving. It just makes me marvel all the more and I am so very grateful for my babies. I am also thankful for their age gaps (11 years between the first two, and my 2nd will be 4 and a bit when this one is born) as I know handling two or more kids withing a year or two of each other would be likely more then I have the strength for. In this case, providence planned well on my behalf.

 

If anyone who knows this site better (I am a total noob) wants to start a thread, and knows the appropriate place to put it, I would love to join that. 

 

I just had a scan that puts me at about a week further than they thought, so I'm about 13 & 1/2 weeks now. I'm dealing with some bad chest issues (aggravated asthma and constant sinus trouble, which appears to be getting into my chest) which are making this a struggle. I've been on cortisone, a steroid inhaler and now an antibiotic. Wish me luck, I really need some strength & better sleep!


m0xxie's Avatar m0xxie 11:38 PM 07-18-2013

Wow, MyKittysMew, feel better soon. I have a lot of empathy, as I am just recovering from bronchitis/pneumonia myself. I'm currently 24 weeks with my 2nd and I'm 46 (had my first at 43, nearly 44). Where I live (SF Bay Area, California) being an "older mom" is not so very unusual, but I still feel some judgement from certain members of my family. Both my pregnancies are completely natural and unassisted, and I feel so happy that I got the chance at long last to be a mom, it is an amazing journey, at any age!
 


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