surpsrise third pregnancy -don't know what to do! help! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 17 Old 07-18-2013, 07:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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HI Mama's-

 

So I haven't been on here in a while, but now reach out for some serious support/advice.  I know this can be a touchy issue, everyone has their opinions on what's right or wrong with unexpected pregnancies, but I'm really looking for some straight forward/thought provoking perspectives -not a debate on abortion issues.

 

So, having that said.  I currently have a 2.5 yr old daughter and a 1 yr old son (just turned one last month)  Both kids were planned and my husband and I really wanted them close together so they would be friends, and we wouldn't have to get out of baby land for too long, before doing over.  Both of our kids were HARD infants.  They both had/have bad acid reflux and the first 9 months or so for each was a real stress.  We're now out of the woods, and feeling good about things, and have been discussing having a third, but know that we're in NO space to have one now.

 

My body doesn't do well with pregnancy (I have some medical conditions) and the close age gap is actually harder than we thought.  We are also tight on money right now, and with both of us working full time, in addition to having kids home full time (we do alternate shifts) it's a tough lifestyle.  So anyway, we had a "whoopsy" a few weeks ago, and I took Plan B within 24 hrs of conception, but still managed to get pregnant anyway.  I'm currently 6 weeks along, and we're having a really hard time figuring out what to do.

 

I never imagined myself in this situation, especially knowing that I always wanted three, this should be an exciting time -but it feels anything but exciting.  It'll mean I'm doing another 20 month age difference, I have no idea how I'm going to pay for maternity leave (my employer does not offer it) how is it going to affect my then 1.5 yr old and 3.5 yr old? How is it going to affect my marriage? what if it's another bad reflux baby that just screams 24/7? How is my body going to handle another pregnancy so soon?  I gained 60 lbs in my first pregnancy, and 80 lbs in my second.  I'm still 30 lbs overweight, and can't IMAGINE how big I'll get with the next one.

 

Anyway, I'm totally bumming about this whole thing.  I just gave away all my maternity clothes, baby gear, etc -and it felt great! I was going to go back to school for my masters -sigh.  So now I have to decide, do i take the abortion pill that essentially makes you miscarry (before 8 weeks) or do I have the baby and just make it work?  I know nobody can answer this question FOR me, but I would love to hear others experiences, opinions, similar situations.  thanks so much!

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#2 of 17 Old 07-18-2013, 07:44 PM
 
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When I got pregnant (unplanned), I was so overwhelmed with how to make this decision that just seemed so hard.  The two bits of wisdom that I got from friends that helped me make my decision were:

1) From a friend who had terminated one pregnancy and then later had a daughter: You make your lists of reasons to continue and reasons to terminate the pregnancy to help you think through and process all your racing thoughts.  But ultimately, you just have to figure out what you want.  And the only way to do that is to spend time connecting to yourself.  Whatever helps you do that (meditating, hiking, listening to music) is what you need to do to just get in touch with what you want.

2) From another friend who terminated a pregnancy: You should take some time away from your partner to do your thinking and deciding.  You talk to them about it and listen to their opinion, but ultimately it is your decision and you're the one who has to carry it out (either the pregnancy or the termination).  Having some space is useful for connecting with what you want and helps you make sure that the decision you are making is your own.

 

For me, after about a week (and following both of my friends' advice) it became very clear what I wanted to do and I haven't regretted my choice.


Excited, anxious and proud to be pregnant for the first time! My partner and I can't wait to meet the little boy sometime around Sept 20th.

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#3 of 17 Old 07-18-2013, 08:43 PM
 
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I think deep down you know what the best choice is for you and your family, so its simply a matter of listening to yourself. Its easy to stress and go back and forth in your mind about the "what ifs" but try to ignore all that and go with your gut reaction. I've found that when i listen to my gut rather than my anxious thoughts, i'm much happier with my decisions overall.
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#4 of 17 Old 07-19-2013, 01:36 AM
 
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My first pregnancy was not only unplanned, it happened at a very bad time. Relationship with DP was very rocky and we were on the verge of breaking up. He had just moved to another country and was only one month at his new job when we found out. Freaked out does not begin to cover it. I was panicking when I saw babies/strollers on the street.

 

Like PrimordialMind said, you already know what the best choice for you is. I made my decision by taking two days off, *trying* to calm down and trying to imagine how would I feel about each decision 2/3 years down the road. Is it in any way possible for you to take two days off for yourself? Trying to make such a heavy decision while freaked out and with two toddlers to take care of is hard.

 

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#5 of 17 Old 07-19-2013, 07:38 PM
 
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I agree with the above posters who advise to really ask yourself but at the same time i want to give you another perspective: you always wanted three and although you think its not the great timing, it still could be...according to Life or God or what else you believe in. Maybe it is the best timing. If you terminate and down the road when you go back to school, then start new job after successfully graduating you may find the timing worse. Then something else come up. Also, with age your body may handle pregnancy even worse. I dont know your situation to the T but from what you say i did not pick up like you are in a great depression about this pregnancy and it does not feel like there is no exit other than terminating. I dont want to tell you not to do it, just maybe try to see it from another perspective like maybe to trust Life and it will provide.
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#6 of 17 Old 07-19-2013, 08:49 PM
 
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We thought we were "done". It was a huge surprise to get the BFP this spring and it was hard for a while to come to grips with that. I had a teaching job lined up for fall. Ironically the same teaching job I left when I had a baby 4 yrs ago. I am due within a week of that baby's due date. I didn't think that would go over so well! It was very hard but to me there is no choice - my babies feel like messages from some higher power and hard as it is, I cannot deny the lessons they come to teach me. So I passed on the job and am adjusting to the idea that I will be putting off schooling/career stuff a little longer.

 

There are always choices, and choices beyond what you think are your choices. I could choose to go back to work or school anyway and put my baby in daycare. People do that all the time and still have happy productive families. A baby doesn't automatically derail plans. If you can't afford daycare, you could choose to apply for some help from your state to subsidize the cost. 

 

Fussy babies - there are lots of approaches. You can try a different feeding or parenting style. My last baby was infinitely easier because I chose to bottle feed with a hypoallergenic formula rather than battle the whole food allergy and low supply issues I've had with my EBF babies. We put him on a schedule to help our days not be so chaotic. There are meds for reflux and hypoallergenic formulas for colic and allergies. You can choose not to accept a miserable baby as normal and be proactive. Just choose NOT to do what didn't work for you before. You have lots of options.

 

Every pregnancy is different. I have had six - I should know! With #5 I had miserable morning sickness for the first 5 months and was almost non-functional. I had very minimal with this pregnancy. I had bad sciatic pain with #4, but not with #5. And again there are options. Speak to a dietician about weight gain and get a meal plan. Take medications if safe to deal with your health issues. There is no need to suffer. 

 

My grandma confided in me as a young adult that she had been involved with a man and gotten pregnant when she was a single mom of 4. She was so afraid of going it alone and taking what little energy she had away from the kids she already had that she made the decision to end the pregnancy. 30 years later she was still so haunted by her choice that she took a long solo vacation to the ocean to meditate and pray. She needed that baby and God to forgive her. My grandma was an extremely intelligent woman, and without doubt a feminist and she made the decision with the best of intentions but in the end she regretted it. I would suggest you take that time - go somewhere quiet where you can feel close to nature/God/spirituality and meditate on things. This is a decision that will continue to be part of who you are for a long time, either way. 


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#7 of 17 Old 07-20-2013, 02:43 PM
 
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i would say it is up to you but you did say you always want three and you have the change to have your three now it hard  at times to know what is right or wrong  in choice but it is your to make  and you never know you might not be able  to have another baby latter so it is something i would say you need to think long and hard about


happily in love with dh blowkiss.gif and raise my three jelly beansjumpers.gif and missing my  babies in heavenangel3.gifangel3.gifangel2.gifangel1.gifangel1.gifangel1.gif angel.gif we finely got are rainbow and me and her daddy are so glad are rainbow is here  born on 11/07/2013 
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#8 of 17 Old 07-20-2013, 05:51 PM
 
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I look at my children now and think...wow.  They really do grow up.  I remember my worries when my older ones were younger.  Will they ever potty train?  How many words should they know by now?  So many worries.  I also worried because I got sick during pregnancies and cranky and I thought I would ruin my children that I already had.  Looking back...I had nothing to worry about.  All of them are well rounded children and happy.  My children always ask me to have another.  You have worries about the beginning.  Reflux, your other children... I think it is such a short time in the grand scheme of things and I don't think you will regret it.  Sometimes when it gets hard (and sometimes it does, we have six) I remember that they are growing so very quickly and that we get the rest of our lives with these beautiful children and they will grow older so fast.  Getting through the tough times still does have amazing rewards. :)  Just my opinion.

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#9 of 17 Old 07-20-2013, 06:57 PM
 
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OP, I know this feels bad right now. Do take a little time and get really quiet and try to listen to your heart. Does the thought of another person in your life fill you with terrible dread? Or hope?

I honestly could never terminate a healthy child of my own. Yet, I'm a pro-choice activist from way back. Nine months is long time to hold your body captive when you didn't plan on any of this. On the other hand, babies can just be a hazard of a normal, healthy straight sex life. Only one of my children was planned. One of them is also what my hubby calls "early".. meaning some act of divine whim decided I'd be perfectly fine with a baby in 1996 instead of 1997.

Take care,
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#10 of 17 Old 07-20-2013, 07:41 PM
 
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Aw sweetie, I wish I could tell you what to do, but I cannot. I do know from personal experience it's a gut wrenching decision to make and until anyone walks in your shoes they have no business judging period dot

I think its brave of you to ask for support, I will support your decision, whatever you choose.
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#11 of 17 Old 07-20-2013, 08:32 PM
 
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I think you are overwhelmed right now and being pregnant makes it even harder.  What I think you need to do is see if somebody can come and watch your kiddos for the day or preferably the entire weekend.  You need to get some good rest and as much quiet as possible to deal with this ASAP.  Then, write down each of your concerns like you did here; but do it *one at a time*.  Carefully address what can truly be resolved, what is just a worry, and what is something that can't be resolved.  After very carefully considering everything, sadly it does come down to what is also best for your two present children.  Of course a sibling might throw you all off a bit, but is it stuff you can handle?

 

Finally, once you have done this, you are going to feel much more at east no matter what you do.

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#12 of 17 Old 07-25-2013, 07:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone for your wonderful suggestions and insight.  I did what everyone suggested, took some time to myself to really think about what would be best long term for myself and my family, and I'm happy to report that we are continuing the pregnancy.  I can't say we're exactly excited yet, more like overwhelmed and freaked out, but we'll get there.  Just wanted to say thanks to everyone, and I guess we'll be seeing more of you in the upcoming weeks! :)
 

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#13 of 17 Old 07-25-2013, 07:17 PM
 
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Big hugs. <3 Good luck with everything!

Wife to one amazing husband superhero.gif, SAHM to DS bouncy.gif 10/09, DS babyboy.gif 10/19,  one furbaby dog2.gif, and lots of chicken3.gif!

 
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#14 of 17 Old 07-26-2013, 02:26 AM
 
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Best of luck!


Mama to my little Lily luxlove.gif (09/2010), and a sweet baby boy joy.gif (12/2012)

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#15 of 17 Old 07-26-2013, 08:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by caetlinh View Post

Thanks everyone for your wonderful suggestions and insight.  I did what everyone suggested, took some time to myself to really think about what would be best long term for myself and my family, and I'm happy to report that we are continuing the pregnancy.  I can't say we're exactly excited yet, more like overwhelmed and freaked out, but we'll get there.  Just wanted to say thanks to everyone, and I guess we'll be seeing more of you in the upcoming weeks! :)
 

 

In that case, congratulations and thanks for the update:-)

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#16 of 17 Old 07-26-2013, 08:19 AM
 
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yay congrats thanks for the update


happily in love with dh blowkiss.gif and raise my three jelly beansjumpers.gif and missing my  babies in heavenangel3.gifangel3.gifangel2.gifangel1.gifangel1.gifangel1.gif angel.gif we finely got are rainbow and me and her daddy are so glad are rainbow is here  born on 11/07/2013 
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#17 of 17 Old 08-23-2013, 11:47 AM
 
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I'm just saw your post sorry to chime in late. I'm pregnant with #4 and my first three are 22 months and 19 months apart. I know what it's like to feel exhausted and burnt-out! However, now with my oldest in kindergarten and my girls playing together most of the day without issues, it's almost like those feelings are fading into memory. Like those long exhausting days were so long ago. Congrats on your newest, this is but a short season!

><> Mom to superhero.gif (6) hearts.gif (4) energy.gif (2) and baby.gif (born March!)
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