How to say 'I'm pregnant' if expect bad responses? - Mothering Forums
I'm Pregnant > How to say 'I'm pregnant' if expect bad responses?
snowydays's Avatar snowydays 11:37 AM 11-13-2013

I have yet to reveal this pregnancy to anyone so far, mainly because I don't expect any good responses from my extended family as it was a surprise pregnancy and really not the best time in my life to have a second child. Each day that goes by and I keep this huge secret to myself I feel a bit more anxious about how I'm going to have to tell everyone soon. 

 

Their thoughts are important to me as they are my main support system and we are very close, I don't want to upset anyone. But this has happened, I have decided to keep the baby, I know it won't be easy but I'll try my best and hope they will continue to be there for us....I don't know what else to say other than that. 

 

Has anyone been in this situation, had negative responses from your family members? Any thoughts on what else to say? I plan to sit down with everyone together to tell them. I expect there might be tears of disappointment and shock, someone might walk out and refuse to speak to me for a while, I might be asked to leave and stay away for a while... I really don't know what will happen. Telling them face to face will be hard. help.gif



texmati's Avatar texmati 12:35 PM 11-13-2013

I had a similar thing with my second child. i was so worried about announcing! I waited nearly 3 months before telling my parents. I was shocked-- most of the responses were fairly positive. And when my dad found out that I was worried about telling people that we were having two so close together, he had all his brothers and sisters in law call me and tell me what a great idea it was to have 2 under 2. (He never out and out told me he was behind the calls, but it doesn't make sense that I got all the calls within a couple of days).

 

All this to say-- I'm sure your family loves you, and they love your unborn child even if they don't know it yet. big hugs!


pattimomma's Avatar pattimomma 02:43 PM 11-13-2013

:Hug@snowydays I have never had anyone be happy when I announced a pregnancy. Hell, even with the one I am pregnant with now my mom's response was "oh shit, you have to stop doing this!" Oh shit was probably a more appropriate response when I was pregnant with my first at 19, with no education and no job but now I am 36. I have a masters degree, am employed full time and completely support myself but the negative comments from family still came rolling in. I look at the announcement as just ripping the band-aid off quickly. When I told my grandmother this time I had to show her my ultrasound pic because she didn't believe me. She thought I was joking because only a crazy person would have so many kids, thanks gram! So prepare yourself for their freak out but try not to take it personally. Let us know how it goes. 


snowydays's Avatar snowydays 09:57 AM 11-14-2013
Quote:
Originally Posted by pattimomma View Post

 So prepare yourself for their freak out but try not to take it personally. 

This is going to be the key thing right here yes! 

 

Thanks for the thoughts so far and sharing your personal experiences of this. I will be 12 weeks at the weekend but figured I should wait until 14-16 weeks so I am pass the stage of it still being a medium-high chance to miscarry.  But that takes it to the middle of December and I don't want to cause a problem in the family relationships when it's Christmas time, so now I'm thinking I should wait until after Christmas and New Years to announce it, by which time I will be 19 weeks. I guess it depends how soon the bump shows and when it becomes too difficult to hide. Another part of me thinks just do it ASAP and get it over with.... but I'm not sure.

 

I also don't want them to feel I've lied to them by not telling them as early as possible, the longer I don't tell them for -the longer they could feel I've been dishonest by keeping it from them.....if that makes sense? I'm hoping they will understand I didn't want to stress them out unnecessarily, and if I was to miscarry early then that's why I kept it to myself for 12 weeks, but any longer than that and I don't know if they will think I should have just told them at that point.


erigeron 10:53 AM 11-14-2013

Me personally, I would do it and get it over with. If you wait, you're not only keeping the secret, which is hard on you, you're worrying all the time about how they're going to act and what will happen if they find out before you're ready to tell. You could also head off some bad reactions by announcing how THRILLED you are with a big smile on your face. Then if they start to rain on your parade you can just say "Hey, (partner, if you have one) and I are happy about this, so I don't really want to hear a bunch of gloom and doom. If you can't be happy for me (us), then let's talk about something else." 

 

These people who you think will freak out on you are your important support system to whom you're really close? That is sad. :( You deserve to be supported at this time in your life. Can you bring someone with you to this conversation who supports your decision? 


heldt123's Avatar heldt123 11:00 AM 11-14-2013
Quote:
Originally Posted by erigeron View Post
 

Me personally, I would do it and get it over with. If you wait, you're not only keeping the secret, which is hard on you, you're worrying all the time about how they're going to act and what will happen if they find out before you're ready to tell. You could also head off some bad reactions by announcing how THRILLED you are with a big smile on your face. Then if they start to rain on your parade you can just say "Hey, (partner, if you have one) and I are happy about this, so I don't really want to hear a bunch of gloom and doom. If you can't be happy for me (us), then let's talk about something else." 

 

ITA


Shakti77's Avatar Shakti77 12:44 PM 11-14-2013

I agree with erigeron's response too!

 

Be happy, wear your best clothes and announce happily!

 

Not being able to deal with it happily, is their problem. Let them deal with it. Give them time to process it. They will come around. If they are really your current support system, they are bound to come around - sooner or later.

 

I'd tell them now and be over with it.

 

Can I also add, my hearty congratulations! :)


baileyb's Avatar baileyb 01:55 PM 11-14-2013
No advice but I am in the same situation as you. Good luck to both of us. I dont think I will get outright neg responses but nothing more positive than, 'Wow!' (with a look of disblief and/or pity) or just deer in the headlights look. I say eff'em if they aren't happy about it.
michelleepotter's Avatar michelleepotter 07:13 PM 11-14-2013
I am not sure how I'd do this in a face to face. I knew I was going to get bad reactions, so last time I posted a picture of the test on Facebook with a note specifically saying positive responses only. I ended up miscarrying that time, so this time I waited and posted the first ultrasound photo. It's my understanding that once you've heard/seen the heartbeat for the first time, the chance of miscarriage is much lower.

It's very hard not to have your family's support in pregnancy, but it can be done. Hopefully they'll get over the shock and get excited about the baby.
BethaniaDawn's Avatar BethaniaDawn 09:39 AM 11-15-2013

I know how hard announcing an unexpected pregnancy can be.  My boyfriend told me that he wants to explore other relationship options the day after I told him I was pregnant (he was talking to another girl).  I was glad he was being honest with me from the start but still, very hard to hear.  He and I were not on the road to marriage before the baby and we certainly are not now.  He was shocked I was pregnant, I was shocked and my friends were shocked.  EVERYBODY was hard for me to tell except my sister.  I am over 11 weeks along and I still have not told my mother or any family other than my sister or my church.  Fortunately for me, my sister is the only one that lives close to me, other family is all several states away.  I have found a great deal of support in my friends but know my family will be beyond shocked.

 

On the plus side, I am thrilled to be pregnant and my sister and two best friends are almost as excited as I am.  And my two sons are thrilled about it as well.

 

My heart goes out to you Snowy.  I don't know what your circumstances are.  You say you might be asked to leave - your home?   I hope things are not that bad.

 

I don't think trying to hide it until after Christmas is the way to go.  Tell them on your time rather than risking them finding out.  Maybe the spirit of Christmas will help things out.  If not, you still get a dreaded job over and done with and give them the time to start accepting reality.  Is there nobody in your group/family that will give you support?  A close family friend that can be with them when you tell people who will be negative? Anyone that will not be as angry as the others that you can tell ahead of time? ((HUGS))


snowydays's Avatar snowydays 12:29 PM 11-17-2013
Quote:
Originally Posted by michelleepotter View Post

Hopefully they'll get over the shock and get excited about the baby.

I am hoping for this and think it's realistic for this to happen, they are family at the end of the day and will get over it given some time.

 

Bethania, no I don't live with them, I just meant they might ask me to leave their house if that is where I tell them, so they have time to take it in etc.

 

Thank you for all the thoughts and opinions :thumb


erinmattsmom88 05:30 PM 11-17-2013

I also had negative responses to the announcements of my two pregnancies. I just want you to know you have another ally! Without going into specifics, it sucked for a bit, but now my children are adored. As soon as they were born, they were loved unconditionally. We live 1000+ miles away from ALL our extended family, and they miss us and specifically my kids terribly. If your family has a hard time with the news, they'll get over it. Mine did.


bbcatcher's Avatar bbcatcher 10:07 PM 11-17-2013

I'm tempted to not tell anyone and just let them figure it out on their own. lol


jhatter421's Avatar jhatter421 12:21 PM 11-18-2013

@snowydays i recently found out im pregnant (7 weeks). I also have a 10 month old. I do not expect my pregnancy to be greeted happily by family. Especially considering my own husband did not take to the news kindly. Im hoping to make it another few weeks before telling people to give DH some time to come around. Fingers crossed things work out well for the both of us!...also there was a good article on here about when pregnancy isnt met with positive remarks...ill see if i can find the link


LilyKay's Avatar LilyKay 01:28 PM 11-24-2013

I had that with DD. I was so anxious of telling my family but then totally surprised at how undramatic it was. The best reaction was my sister - who I thought might disapprove (she's religious and I was pregnant and unmarried - still am :)). She literally started clapping and jumping and screaming "OMG, I'm going to be an aunt!".  People might surprise you! I do have to say that some relatives (including my grandma) surprised me in a negative way and refused to meet my daughter. It stings but their loss.

 

I love erigeron's advice. Just be blatantly happy about it...


snowydays's Avatar snowydays 02:03 PM 11-24-2013
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyKay View Post
 

I had that with DD. I was so anxious of telling my family but then totally surprised at how undramatic it was. The best reaction was my sister - who I thought might disapprove (she's religious and I was pregnant and unmarried - still am :)). She literally started clapping and jumping and screaming "OMG, I'm going to be an aunt!".  People might surprise you! I do have to say that some relatives (including my grandma) surprised me in a negative way and refused to meet my daughter. It stings but their loss.

 

I love erigeron's advice. Just be blatantly happy about it...

I was starting to think I should tell them before Christmas now as they will be occupied with that already so may not focus too much on it and also with this time of year being about family and love etc I thought it might help them get past any negative feelings quicker. However just recently I overheard a conversation between my mom and her friend where she said 'if any of my daughters were pregnant right now I would cry' so that has worried me more now, I don't want to ruin this time of year for anyone. :dizzy


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