Put on bed rest, husband is overwhelmed ... Help? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 02-02-2014, 12:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everybody, 

 

I am picking your brains (at least trying to). I was put on bed rest on friday, I am 25 +4 weeks pregnant and have on and off going contractions, visible on the ctg, maybe shortening my cervix (went from 4,5 cm to 3,5 cm in four days, but 3,5 cm is still plenty, so I don't know if this is of any relevance), so the drs ordered bed rest (actually they ordered hospital bed rest, but I refused) 

 

I was started on medication to stop the contraction, which make me lightheaded and cause headaches. My bloodpressure is like 75/50 (normally above 100) - so no wonder I am lightheaded. But it stops the contractions :) .

 

Problem is, my H is seriously overwhelmed with the situation, although it's weekend and he is at home. He is not able to look after the kids and do the housework as well (like feeding the kids and everything) and he does not keep the kids safe. 

 

Like this morning he just went out to walk the dogs and left the kids in the kitchen, so I had to get up to clear dangerous stuff away (like knifes) and get the kids off the counters. He was away for like 30 min. 

This safety issues are ongoing, so there will be no solution there, basically I feel like a single mom ... 

 

So, the question: How do I keep the kids occupied and safe while on bed rest? How do I keep them fed? H will be at work again from tomorrow, kids will be in childcare/school until 4.00 p.m., so there are just a couple of hours to cover. 

 

Please, I am grateful for any idea, even if you think it's obvious, my brain works sluggishly at the moment! 

 

Anyone with any kind of experience? I wonder if the bed rest even is so important .. but I don't  want to risk my little one as well ...

 

Ideas, links, anything? 

 

Thank you so  much!


Trin with DH , DD(7)  and DS(5) ,  DD(2) ,
I am not regularly online at the moment due to the above ...
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#2 of 13 Old 02-02-2014, 08:06 AM
 
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Can they play in your room? Can you call on friends and family to bring you pre made meals so all you have to do is dish it out? Will the littlest one watch tv? I know screen time is not ideal. If you have a room that you can lie on the couch and contain and watch them in you could get your husband to set up toys, colouring, games etc in little stations for them. Then you could give them suggestions on what to do when they get antsy. 

Do you have a family member who could come over maybe and give them both a bath before your dh comes home? Just some ideas. I'm so sorry you can't count on him to keep them safe. 

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#3 of 13 Old 02-02-2014, 09:31 AM
 
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First off I want to say I am sorry you are going through this. Bed rest is tough. Especially when you have other children to care for.

I am in my 6th week of bed rest and 17 weeks pregnant with #6. I have a large subchorionic hemorrhage that has bled since 11 weeks. I absolutely feel where you are coming from. My children range from 12yo down to 18mths. The 3 oldest are at school during the day while my husband works so the 4yo and 18mth old are alone with me, I do not have family help often. An occasional meal has been brought over and my sisters each did the dishes once but overall it has been a huge adjustment for us as a family but we have come a long way.

In the beginning it was chaos. The whole house was turned upside down and everyone was emotional. With good reason. I have always taken care of all the house work, cooking and making sure the children were cared for. It became ever clear that things were going to have to change big time if we were to survive this.

First off, I suggest talking one on one with your husband about your biggest concerns just to be sure he knows how you are feeling. I have found that my husband simply wasn't aware of some of the things he needed to do. Taking some time to put away unsafe things and "child proof" things while he is in charge. That helped us tremendously as DH wasn't the best at keeping a watchful eye on the little ones. He now keeps doors closed and locked to rooms they shouldn't be in ( bathroom, office and such) to prevent messes and accidents.

The rooms they are allowed in are absolute disasters. But safe still. And I don't obsess abt the mess bc I know it can be cleaned up when things are better. Until then they can play and enjoy themselves and I don't have to stress. We also moved our mattress to the living room so that I can be out where they are playing during the day and feel involved while still resting. It works very well. Some days we nap there together. I keep a basket of books to read with them by the bed. A few movies to entertain. My phone and the laptop are a must wink1.gif This is by far the most time I have spent really watching them play. Listening to their little conversations. Seeing things from their level. Literally.

As for food for myself and the kids during the day I have DH buy easy to fix foods such as deli meat, bread, string cheese, cereal bars, yogurt, fruit and so on. He could even have your sandwiches premade before leaving for work. Bottled water is good to have on hand and a sippy cup or two nearby. Paper plates and plastic silverware IMO are a must for the time being. It is less stress on him with cleanup after meals and less dishes.

I make the grocery list still and it helps a lot. Supper is pretty repetitive but that's ok. I have him make things he is good at and fairly simple/ kid friendly. Spaghetti, tacos, bfast for supper, frozen pizza, beans and rice. He has gotten really good at cooking and making plates and seems to enjoy his new found skills lol. He does one load of laundry a day so that things don't fall behind. He will bring me the dirty clothes and i sort them and let him know what temp and cycle to use. I also fold the laundry when it's done but he puts everything away. My older girls help with all the above mentioned sometimes.

As for cleaning I won't lie. The house is nothing like it used to be but that's ok. I focus on having him keep the truly important things in order and sanitary. Kitchen sink and counters, bathroom, floors swept and spot cleaned. The other rooms are locked so they don't get too bad off. Bath time is not daily anymore but they are clean enough. Every other day was is working well. In between I use baby wipes for dirty hands, faces and feet smile.gif

I hope this isn't too much rambling. I hope that something I have shared might be helpful. what I've learned is some days will be hard but that's ok. Its temporary. You won't be on bed rest forever. And as the days pass you, the children and your husband will all adjust. And in the end be closer and stronger. It has been eye opening to say the least. I am learning more about myself and think I will permanently stress less abt the little things. I don't have to do it all every day. It's ok to let things slide sometimes. Hubby really sees and appreciates more all that I do. The kids are all learning to help more and it is becoming habit. We are all working together. It's a beautiful thing. And in the end a perfect blessing we will have.

I wish you and your family the best. I hope that the contrx calm themselves soon. Lots of water, relax, breath. Take care of you and little one inside smile.gif

ME lady.gif + DH tiphat.gif = heartbeat.gif Parents to DD1 (12) photosmile2.gif   DD2 (9) blahblah.gif  DS1 (7) angel2.gif  DS2 (6) & DS3 (4) fencing.gif

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#4 of 13 Old 02-02-2014, 11:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your suggestions! 

 

Lucky#7 it is tremendously helpful to know that other families are going through the same and survive. At the moment I am totally mad at my H because he just does not let me stay put in bed. He is not able to plan his day at all, so he spend two hours in the morning playing with the kids and three hours outside with them (playing), which is all well and nice and everything, but I had to get up to prepare dinner, he did not want to bath them, he wanted me to change DD1 bedsheets tonight, even though I asked him to change them at least five times today. 

He did not wash any cloth or anything, did not bring any clean cloth upstairs for me to sort. 

 

He forgot to buy bread, so there is nothing for breakfast or lunch for tomorrow for the kids. 

 

If I need anything, I either yell at the top of my lungs (which makes me feel stupid) or I get up. So I get up most of the times. I feel that the contractions get worse every time I get up, but I actually feel like an actor or somebody pretending to be sick. 

 

He did not pick up my medication yesterday, in fact, he lost my prescription, so I am out of some of the medication. Which is ridiculous, since I am on ongoing medication, and he could have just told them that he'll bring the prescription on monday, and it would totally have been fine. 

 

He does not get me anything like snacks or drinks or anything, I have to get up to get something to drink and walk downstairs into the kitchen. 

 

He yelled at me for not helping him. 

 

He is mean to the kids, telling them "they are not normal, not behaving normal, being totally mad and horrible kids" - because he is not able to manage them. 

 

Right now he is sitting at the computer because of his stressful day, he needs to rest. He does not care that the pets are not fed yet or that the kitchen needs to be picked up. And I don't mean in a housemaids style but in a not breeding flies on the kitchen table style. 

 

He is not able to step up. Is this normal? Is this something like transition? I am so hoping that I will see my doctor tomorrow and she'll laugh and tell me not to worry and forget the bed rest...


Trin with DH , DD(7)  and DS(5) ,  DD(2) ,
I am not regularly online at the moment due to the above ...
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#5 of 13 Old 02-02-2014, 11:54 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Triniity View Post
 

Thanks for your suggestions!

 

He is not able to step up. Is this normal? Is this something like transition? I am so hoping that I will see my doctor tomorrow and she'll laugh and tell me not to worry and forget the bed rest...

 

I guess normal is different for everyone. Around here my husband was used to doing an occasional load of dishes if I was too busy bathing the others or whatever. If I was out of the house and he knew his last pair of undies were on he better throw some clothes in the washer. I would say I do about 85% of the housework when not on bedrest so he has always done something. And it took time but he slowly learned to do more and more as he realized my resting was no joke. There was one day in the beginning I decided to shower and clean off the counter and wipe counters down and within 2 hours I was in terrible pain with excessive bleeding. We ended up back in the E.R and he told me from then on "stay put!".

 

My hope is that your H doesn't realize how important it is for you to rest. And that he could come around if he got the full picture. Does he know what a premature baby would go through at this point if born? I am just trying to understand where he is coming from. Is it common for him to be short with the kids and unhelpful in general? If so, it may be a lot harder for you to get the help you do need. Which would be very sad. I still recommend the sitting down one on one with him in a very respectful manner to discuss things. Does he like structure? I ask bc maybe a writing out a simple doable schedule of what the family needs from him would be helpful. Send him with a list to the store today so he can pick you up a few staples. WHatever it is you and the kids like to eat that is easy to prepare. Would he do that? Having easy meal plans set up for the week and written out for him to follow as well. My husband feels that my request for clean dishes, clean bathroom and swept floors is within his means after a day at work.

 

What works for us may not work for you so take it all with a grain of salt. The only other thoughts I have is family/friend help. Is there anyone who would pick up some food for you if he doesn't go? My sister sometimes tells me in advance when she is going to the store and I will have her pick up a few things and write her a check when she brings them. Anyone who would enjoy spending an hour or two there during the day to help with small house chores?


ME lady.gif + DH tiphat.gif = heartbeat.gif Parents to DD1 (12) photosmile2.gif   DD2 (9) blahblah.gif  DS1 (7) angel2.gif  DS2 (6) & DS3 (4) fencing.gif

DS4(1) jog.gif Expecting DD3 (7-14) stork-girl.gif 

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#6 of 13 Old 02-02-2014, 12:12 PM
 
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No OP this is not normal. Any man I know faced with his wife on bedrest would step up 100% and never expect the wife to lift a finger. The house might not stay perfect but the main stuff would get done, the kids would be taken care of and healthly and safe. 

Knowing a bit more about your situation from another post I don't think you will be able to expect anything more. And you need to let your doctor know *everything* that is going on. If you are still having contractions while you stand up and do things then I highly doubt your doctor is going to tell you that bedrest is not needed. I understand being in your situation refusing to stay in the hospital because your children aren't safe alone with your husband but at this point your unborn child isn't safe at home if you don't have the support you need either. Just the fact that they wanted you to stay in the hospital means that it's doubtful that your doctor would laugh and tell you otherwise.

He's been proven to be unsafe around the kids when you aren't on bedrest. You have been having issues over this for awhile. I'm never one to advocate leaving a spouse without lots of work, but he's not interested and not stepping up when need be. If mine was doing even half of that I would be calling my parents and a lawyer and getting my kids and I out of there. And my parents would fly all the way around the world to keep us safe if need be. 

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#7 of 13 Old 02-02-2014, 12:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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and one of the sad things is, that the friend who had the kids on friday, she lost her baby daughter (same age as my DD2) at 25 weeks (died after three days) - and my DD1 who gets into any-and everything found out about this and insisted on seeing her grave on friday, so she is dead frightened that anything might happen to the baby. So - no wonder that she is a bit of a mess at the moment. 

 

My mom comes tomorrow for a couple of days. And I do live in a country (germany) where you get lots of help from outside in pregnancy, so I'll look into this tomorrow. 

 

Good night everybody. 


Trin with DH , DD(7)  and DS(5) ,  DD(2) ,
I am not regularly online at the moment due to the above ...
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#8 of 13 Old 02-02-2014, 12:43 PM
 
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♥Wishing the best for you♥
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#9 of 13 Old 02-03-2014, 10:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just to update. I am in hospital know, on bed rest, antibiotics and other meds, my doctor did not laugh and sent me home after all...

 

had a discussion with H, and he is sorry for his behavior yesterday. I hope, he'll be fine with my mom helping him, and I hope my kids will be fine. I am already missing them like crazy...but now I have to take care of the little man inside me ;) 


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#10 of 13 Old 02-18-2014, 04:38 PM
 
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I just read this thread and felt a whole spectrum of things, most especially anger. I am so glad your mother has come to help.
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#11 of 13 Old 03-04-2014, 05:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We just had a figtht again. He just does not get it. We do have some help (my mom went home again couple of weeks ago) - and it's paid for by the health insurance, but they don't pay when he is off work (since if he is at home obviously he can look after everything) - problem is : he cannot. 

 

I asked him to vacuum like one trillion times already, and the bathroom REALLY needs to be cleaned, plus the kids look as if someone dumped them in a mud hole, they really, really need a bath, but he is so unorganized and sloooooow with everything, that he just manages about nothing. I already do the meals, even though I do have quite a lot of pain and need painkillers doing so, and everytime I ask him to please start doing at least one of the things he shouts at me :( 

 

Yesterday, with kids in bed (and it took me two hours to get the LO to sleep) - he was sitting two hours surfing the net before feeding the animals. And than he says he does not have time to pitch in. Even though he is NOT going to work... 

 

We have another appointment with the counsellor on thursday, but I don't really see any improvement...quite contrary 


Trin with DH , DD(7)  and DS(5) ,  DD(2) ,
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#12 of 13 Old 03-04-2014, 06:22 AM
 
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greensad.gif! Its so tru that we cannot control others behaviors but can only change our own BUT...how? ...
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#13 of 13 Old 03-06-2014, 06:16 PM
 
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Triniity- I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any solid advice- just wanted to lend some support. Hopefully things went well at the counselor, but honestly, it sounds like DH would need to make a huge, drastic change to be even close to the partner you need right now. I honestly don't think I could handle what you're going through- my DH isn't always the most helpful person, but if he couldn't support me during me biggest time of need, we wouldn't have a future. Hugs mama!

~may all beings be free from suffering~
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