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6 weeks pregnant and scared

1K views 1 reply 2 participants last post by  indiana 
#1 ·
Hello everyone. I just found out sunday that I am 6 weeks pregnant. This came as a surprise to my husband and I as we were not trying and I have fertility issues. I was hoping to post my concerns here to maybe help out with anxiety. Kind of like saying it out loud but to someone I dont know. I find it hard to talk about this wtih people I know because I dont want them to worry about me.
My fear is, Im scared I'm going to lose the baby. I want to be excited and tell people Im pregnant, but I feel like if something happens I cant face them.

I am waiting on my insurance to go through to see a Dr. I have been to a clinic who gave me a sono, and they found two sacks, but she couldnt find a second baby. And that made my anxiety go through the roof. Since then I have been having anxiety attacks. Because now I feel like its a bad sign. I know I wasnt planning on more kids and was planning on getting a hysterectomy, but I cant deal with a miscarriage either. I would have rather this thing never happened than to feel like I lost something. I cant explain why. On top of that I have been having ovarian pain, tho I dont know if its because of my PCOS. Also I have been cramping, but I am wondering if thats from being constipated for the last 3 days. I asked the nurse at the clinic and she said unless Im in unbearable pain and bleeding like I would with a heavy period, I am fine. I cant wait until I can see a Dr. The clinic did offer another sono in 3 weeks if my insurance does not kick in by then. I just cant do this. I know I wasnt happy at first and maybe its guilt Im feeling for thinking that way. Also my husband is thrilled and I dont want him to feel disappointed. Sorry I didnt want to be a downer I just wanted to get this off of my chest because its been on me for days and I have been feeling so sick because of it and feeling alone in this.
 
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#2 ·
Hey, TerraBella84. It's funny how complicated our feelings about pregnancy can be. Whenever I tell people I'm pregnant, I get the exuberant "Congratulaaaaaaations!!!!" but even though my pregnancy was wanted and actively tried for, sometimes I'm just not feeling that way. Especially on an anxious day when I really feel weird about people getting so excited about something I'm not convinced will even happen. It feels like a lot of pressure. Know that your anxiety and weird feelings about not having wanted the baby initially but not wanting a miscarriage either and not wanting to let your husband down are all so, so normal. It has taken my emotions months to even out, and they're still not there yet. It doesn't help when all those hormones are flooding your brain, either.

I've read that 1 in 8 pregnancies starts out as twins, but only 1 in 30 births are twins. That means that losing one twin early on is quite normal, and that many, many women go on to give birth to a healthy baby. They say most miscarriages happen because the chromosomes didn't come together right and the baby/body decided not to take the pregnancy any farther (so it's rarely a fault of your body/hormones - instead, it's completely random). It's amazing that the body can sense that something isn't coming together right and stop the process before any real trouble begins. But just because it made that decision about one baby doesn't mean it will make it about the other one. It's possible that the baby you saw on the ultrasound was perfectly healthy, and your body decided to focus all of its energy on that one while letting go of the other because it wasn't doing well.

I had completely irrational miscarriage fears (up till, um, two days ago when I had my 12-week appointment and heard the heartbeat, even though we'd also heard it at 8 weeks) while also, in the midst of morning sickness misery, wishing almost every day that I wasn't pregnant. I felt really guilty about that. I knew I didn't want the baby to die, or I wouldn't have been so scared of miscarriage, but I also didn't want to accidentally will a miscarriage just because I was having second thoughts about the pregnancy. It turns out, the body is going to do what it's going to do, and, frankly, I don't think it really cares what you think about it. Certainly peace and calm are great for you and your baby, but I've been amazed at how, in the relative absence of it, my body has just carried on without much help from me. The first trimester for me has been a learning experience in trusting my body and trusting that no amount of worry will change the outcome. It has been an exercise in letting go of control and kind of taking a seat in the stands and watching this all unfold. It hasn't been easy to do, but I think it has been good preparation for labor, when we really will have to completely surrender to our bodies.

I have found gratitude meditations to be really helpful in combating both anxiety and morning sickness. A meditation that focuses completely on the present - your baby is with you now, focus solely on that - and draws your consciousness deep into your belly as it expands and releases with your breath is really helpful. The more love and gratitude you can direct toward your belly (even if you have to kind of fake it), the more you will learn to trust it. I know it can feel scary to let yourself love someone you're not sure you'll ever get to meet, but I think that's the challenge of motherhood and marriage, both. We never know when we're going to lose the person we love dearly. It could happen anytime. But we choose to love deeply and trust and hope that it will turn out OK, and if it doesn't, our grief is a testament to how deeply we've loved. I think it takes time and hard work to surrender to that kind of love, which is why a regular meditation or prayer practice is so helpful.

Keep in touch on here and let us know how you're doing. I hope the waters smooth out soon and that, whatever happens, you can feel peaceful again. You're in my thoughts for sure!
 
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