Calling all C-Birth ONLY mamas! - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 93 Old 11-24-2002, 07:17 PM
 
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dlb~

your post made me cry!

I have had the wonderful pleasure of meeting dlb and her boys in real life....the other day we talked about c-sections, I am still very much dealing with the trauma of mine, and trying to heal.

I found that through talking with her that I have come to grips with my own c-section....and am learning to just love the birth of my child, not the experience.

So, I guess I want to say thank you....you have reached me deep down, in a part of me nobody has been able to touch thus far! Even the other women in my family/life that have had sections have not been able to speak such peace into me like you did....THANK YOU
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#62 of 93 Old 11-24-2002, 07:50 PM
 
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dlb I'm also sitting here having a quiet cry over your post

I love your private rebirthing ceremony, what a wonderful idea

judgements about c-births I have learned to ignore completely - after my first a few people said "oh you did it the easy way" and I was so furious I nearly burst, but I am not responsible for anyone's ignorance, sometimes I might be moved to educate someone but really...

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#63 of 93 Old 11-25-2002, 01:43 AM
 
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I just happened to stumble onto this board tonight and my heart is so full of that crazy mixture of SADDNESS and JOY for all of you ladies and for myself .

I have had one planned c/s that ended up being an emergency when I went into labor on my own. Footling breech, failed version and come to find out ~ a heart shaped uterus. Most likely future babies will also be born by c/s.

It is ok with me. I felt some saddness at not experiencing what I had built up in my mind as a *real* birth, but I have a wonderful, beautiful baby boy that came out of my body and we are as connected as ever.

This is an inspiring thread ~ thank you all so much for sharing.
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#64 of 93 Old 11-27-2002, 04:28 AM
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Rwikene-- thank you for the kind words. You guys are the cutest family. Emmaline, sorry to have made you cry.

I have been thinking about us, this tribe of c-birth mamas. Many of us, in bringing forth our babies, had to face our fears of sugical birth--no small thing, especially for us "natural" ladies. Our scars are the scars of a warrior, marks of courage.

Please, please, those of you who have started to heal, reach out to women who are starting the journey. Show your love, your compassion, your understanding. Nobody was there for me almost fifteen years ago. Nobody *got* it. Nobody understood why I grieved for a natural birth, some people who even downright hostile.

I never told anyone this, but do you guys remember the hair color commercial with the "natural woman" song? Made me bawl--I was not a "natural" woman anymore. Can any of you relate to things like this?

It is so good that we can come together--sometimes I read all the birth stories, and it really stabs at my heart. Its good to see that I am not alone, and that so many of us have expressed the same heart cry. It really does hurt doesn't it?

Thank you, all of you. And may this thread someday help encourate a new mama who really needs it.


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#65 of 93 Old 11-27-2002, 09:53 AM
 
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You know, dlb, when you say that about the "natural woman" thing, I think I felt that way in the beginning, but I am also a trauma nurse and tend to look at things, no matter how granola I aspire to be, from a medical perspective sometimes (which is sometimes a bad thing, sometimes a good thing LOL). When you look at all of our circumstances (or the circumstances that were presented to us, or no matter how things played out) at the time of our labors/births there was a very real risk to not only us but our babies (again, whether it was true emergency, manufactured emergency, or "medically caused" emergency by cascade of intervention or whatever) and some "holier than thou" will debate ad nauseam what is and isn't emergency and/or that if a mom was allowed to labor a certain way this or that might not have occured, whatever - but the point being, all of us were either at a direct risk or we *thought* we were at the time.. so to tell / think / feel that you are less of a "natural" woman is not fair to yourself in that situation - because in some cases, it is likely that yes, maybe you would have been a natural woman had you been allowed to continue, or had you not had the section, but maybe you would have been a very sick/dead (sorry if that sounds harsh) woman and or with a very sick/dead baby, if you didn't have the intervention at that time. I am sure that time and distance have helped in that regard for you, but I think for all of us, especially those that worked so hard to attempt a natural birth, lead a natural lifestyle, etc etc. we have to see that WE DID THE BEST THAT WE COULD AT THE TIME. Does that make sense ?

It is the deep feeling of dissapointment that tears at the heart,and the feeling of "failure" that people talk about, but I think we tend to downplay or even ignore, in hindsight, where we "were" mentally and physically at the time that the c/s occurred (and I think it sometimes is harder for the moms who didn't have the true "emergent" c/s for acute fetal distress or whatever, because clearly there was an issue, but for the moms in the "grey areas" when you get home and start thinking "what happened ?" )

I think sometimes we need to allow ourselves to be thankful that we are living in a time that if indeed we do need the c/s for whatever reason, that it is an option.

I am attempting a VBAC this February, and I have read all the Suzanne Arms/Henci Gauer, etc etc etc books and I agree with everything and have been exploring alot what could have been different for me, and it is empowering to educate yourself, but it still DOES NOT CHANGE what happened and you have to find a place where you are okay with what happened. You don't have to like it, but that birth experience is what it is, you cannot change it, you can either loathe it and yoruself or you can celebrate it for what it is, the birth of a beautiful baby. After all my recent reading, I do strongly feel there are unecessary c/s etc etc and that is all well and good, but for whatever reason, we DID get into that situation, we cannot change that fact, we can learn from it but cannot change it, we have to look at what we DID know at the time, and the answer for most if not all of us is that we were vulnerable and we *needed* to have a c/s.
(((hugs)))) to all. This really is such a great thread to have here.
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#66 of 93 Old 11-27-2002, 10:10 AM
 
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I also am a c-section only mama!

not that that would have been my CHOICE per say, I do feel like I have missed out on an integral part of the birth experience, but I am OK with it now. No matter how you get your children, they are still just that, your children.

My first was a footling breech with a knotted cord, so it was kind of an emergency situation since the cord was prolapsing. The second was a repeat since I ended up with a partial rupture the first time. Yes, I am not the classic birthing mama, but that is OK! ag because everything turned out OK!

Thanks for starting this thread!
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#67 of 93 Old 11-27-2002, 08:19 PM
 
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And no matter how many times I've heard denigrating comments from people I know who share my 'natural' leanings, I'm still unashamed of it.

I think part of it is the hospital I went to...it's extremely family centered. I could have anyone I wanted to in the operating room, they asked me if I had any special music I wanted to play, everyone was happy and upbeat, we had nurses and the anesthesiologist taking wonderful pictures and I was offered a mirror whenever I wanted one.

The only thing that I didn't like about it is that I kicked myself afterwards for forgetting to mention I wanted to see and touch the placenta! My doctor felt bad she didn't offer, it kind of slipped her mind too.

I was induced, but the pitocin didn't take, interestingly enough. As soon as they turned off the drip, my contractions flatlined. I labored without drugs, and felt so powerful! My doula was great, and so was my husband. We ended up having the cesarean section because the wrong part of her head was presenting and bending her neck, she got stuck in rotation (she wasn't facing back or front, but towards my hipbone), and then discovered the reason why she wasn't dropping was because the cord was wrapped a bunch of times around her neck. Her heartbeat was steady and strong...I don't think they would have noticed until things went really bad, but because I was not medicated the pain changed and I knew something was wrong.

I was extremely fortunate to have labor support (from my nurse, doula, husband, and doctor) that honored my instincts and checked when I asked them too.

Fiona nursed right away, and was a strong nurser from the start. I had no complications from my recovery at all (and I think a lot of that has to do with the type of support I received at the hospital and at home afterwards).

I am proud of my birth story! I get so angry when I hear of hospital staff treating women horribly during their ceseareans...and some of the draconian practices and rules that some hospitals and doctors have! I wish that more folks who advocate gentle births would also help advocate for family-centered cesearean and hospital care....because in the right setting and with the proper respect, I think that more people in this situation could have a positive and empowering experience.

I will go all out for VBAC in July, but you know...if I end up having a cesarean birth again, then I will be just as happy to hold my child in my arms.

Thanks for letting my share my positive story! I am glad to hear that there are other mamas who don't buy into (and sometimes grow angry with) the assumption that cesareans can't be positive, and don't happen in a 'natural' setting, and that the moms who have them are somehow less. I wish there was more I could do to improve the care and treatment that mamas of all types receive in hospitals...especially if they're in the high-stress situations that lead to cesearean birth.

If you'd like to see pics and stuff, feel free to check out http://www.geocities.com/tigerchild1974/baby.htm

Just as a warning though, since it's geocities and graphics intensive, it shuts down if too many folks look at it at once, so you might have to try later if you really want to see.
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#68 of 93 Old 11-27-2002, 09:06 PM
 
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dear dlb - no need to apologise for my tears! I am renowned for shedding them over birth stories, I see it as an entirely normal response to such miraculous events - also an entirely normal response to someone sharing deeply personal experiences and feelings long struggled with
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#69 of 93 Old 11-27-2002, 09:19 PM
 
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Such beautiful stories--pass the tissues, emmaline! Tigerchild, I also forgot about the placenta--won't do that if there's a next time .

dlb--that was also a biggie for me and I had to dig deep with it. Can't quite articulate how it resolved itself, but the unconditional self-acceptance I gained was truly a gift .
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#70 of 93 Old 12-23-2002, 06:34 PM
 
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What a gift this thread is to me and finding it on Dec. 23 is the icing on the cake, so to speak.

Life is weird

I never ever saw this part of the board before. Or maybe I COULDN'T see it.

I had two CS's, one okay but not great, one heart rippingly traumatic.

as the song goes, "but I'm here."

and so are my sweeties.

I always did feel robbed of the naturalness of birth. Felt like being back in gym class and no one wanting me on their team cuz I was non athletic. Felt like as the Smashmouth song goes "looking kind of dumb with the shape of an L on her forehead."

I do have the peace of knowing I had good accurate information and the VBAC I longed for was not possible even according to experienced knowledgable people. But it still is a huge gaping loss that I have made peace with, somewhat, sometimes, not sure I'll ever really "get over it."

Again ladies, thank you for the GIFT of this thread.

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#71 of 93 Old 12-27-2002, 01:14 AM
 
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While my baby sleeps I sneak some time to share.
When I was pregnant I couldn't wait to experience birthing at home, sexually, moaning, contacting my inner womyn, connecting with the millions of mama past. I wanted to be reborn! This was my chance. I found a great midwife and had a wounderful pregnancy.
I went full time to school throughout and wore myself out! So I backed off, let some things go and chilled out at home for the last trimester. Turns out, I gained "too much weight", the baby got "too big", and I was running past my due date. I tried caster oil, foot massages, walking, sex.....still labor wouldn't get going for more than 2 hours....stop and go. I was apprehensive and whiny. My midwife sent me to get a bio of the baby. This was just an extensive ultrasound session. I was treated rudely by the tech "You're having a homebirth, arph!!! You're WAY PAST DUE! I started getting nervous. The midwife didn't understand the profile. She suggested seeing an OB. Oh shit! is what I thought. My midwife basically handed me off to intervention. Next day, I was treated horribly by the doctor. "I never let my woman go this long. Boy you've got three strikes against you, you are overweight, 4'11, and girl, you're carrying an oversized baby that means C for C-section!" She had to hand me kleenex because this was my worst fear. I went to another doctor the next day, he wanted to induce to "give me a chance" to birth naturally. Next morning at six AM, I laid in the squishy hospital bed laboring slowly for nine hours hooked up to every gauging machine possible. At four PM, the doctor announced "TIME IS UP! LETS C HER!" I could'nt belive it. I told my partner to take me away from this place, I couldn't stop crying! He was so supportive the whole time. I was afraid but once the spinal was done and the oxygen was given, I chilled out. Kaya was born. She was beautiful and healthy!!! It happened so FAST! (i'm trying to breastfeed and type!)
It has been 20 days since the birth. Mothering Kaya is great, trying to heal myself has been the hardest thing I have ever faced. It gets easier as Kaya fills the emptiness with joy! The surgery has left me feeling like someone scraped my inner core out with a spoon. Writing this has helped. I have been feeling quite alienated by my experience. I will heal.
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#72 of 93 Old 12-28-2002, 12:24 AM
 
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This thread is WONDERFUL! I had a c-section after 26 hours of labor. I dialated to 9 1/2 centimeters!!!! My DS had the cord drapped over his neck! I definately feel I missed out as well as my DS, but it was for the best.



Michelle
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#73 of 93 Old 12-30-2002, 12:33 PM
 
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i've already posted my story, but i feel as though i am going through another wave of grieving over the birth experience.

i thought this would be the place to ask, are there any books that have helped all of you to get through this process? it can be so lonely sometimes. i very rarely have an understanding person to talk to about my c-section.
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#74 of 93 Old 12-31-2002, 02:44 PM
 
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Rebounding from Childbirth

Silent Knife
Open Season
(two books by Nancy Wainer Cohen. Some info is/may be out of date but the parts about the emotional impact are right on)

Ended Beginnings

A good Birth a Safe Birth (has parts)

NOTE: these books are the need-a-hanky type.

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#75 of 93 Old 01-01-2003, 05:45 PM
 
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thanks for the tip. i don't know if i'm emotionally prepared to read yet, but i figure i should start soon rather than digging up old feelings later.
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#76 of 93 Old 01-02-2003, 02:21 AM
 
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I was wondering if anyone has else has felt as if their C-section has effected the bonding process? I am having difficulting feeling positive about "life in general" and it will be almost 4 weeks since the birth. It seems like the healing process should be well on its way.
I absolutly love my dd but something is missing. Sometimes I cry when she does.
Their was one amazing moment in the hospital that blew me away. I was sleeping lightly in the middle of the night and dd was in the nursery for shift change. I awoke suddenly and knew that dd wanted me and was crying. Two seconds later a nurse wheeled her into the room and dd was wailing. I felt so bad that we were in the hospital instead of at home where my newborn would not have to get so upset to communicate. I felt like I betrayed her somehow. The bond between mother and child is so deep and rewarding I just feel I want to experience the full extent of what it should be. And perhaps the way dd was born inhibits our comminication and bonding. Somebody else vacuumed her out of me. It was not what I wanted.
I was born via section. My mother had the same experience as I with birth. I always thought it was because of her ignorance that it happened that way, until it happened to me. Now I know that in those intense moments that surround birth are thick with trust. You must trust your caregiver. But what if your caregiver happens to be the OB on call that wants to be sure to make it home for the five O clock news?
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#77 of 93 Old 01-02-2003, 04:03 AM
 
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I have had two children by c-section, my son Dylan (4 yrs) and my daughter Jordan (25 months) and hopefully will be having another in the next year and that baby too will be born by c-section. I almost didn't post here because I don't now and never did have any bad or sad or failed feelings in response to my c-sections.

My first was definately more traumatic, because it was after 26 hours of labor (with pitocin and NO progress and NO pain meds). Finally, c-section and after contractions for so long, I had some pretty serious bleeding problems (I am a bleeder anyway) that caused some scares all around and left me sick and anemic for a long time (6-8 months). My second was planned (due to bleeding issues and the fact my daughter was breech) and was a piece of cake and very enjoyable for me, I had no bleeding problems and could hold and nurse my daughter within 10 minutes of her birth and she never left the room where I was (with ds, he and my husband were rushed out of the OR when bleeding problems became serious) so I watched her being cleaned up, diapered, footprinted, etc. Both my babies roomed-in with me at the hospital (my mom and sister stayed to help with diaper changes etc. before I could get out of bed) and only left my side for check-ups in the nursery so I did not have any "bonding issues".

I am sure my next child will be a c-section too since my ob-gyn said she would not do it any other way and that is just fine with me - as long as my babies get here healthy and happy and my doctor gets me through too it is a blessing that I will joyfully celebrate!
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#78 of 93 Old 01-02-2003, 04:56 AM
 
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As far as the bonding process, yes, I feel like I had a hard time bonding with ds #1 because of the shock of having an emergency c/s. With ds #2, no, I didn't have any issues with bonding. I guess because, it was planned.
Can I say something about some of the books that are being reccomended. If I knew that I were only going to have had c/s I would have never read anything by Nancy Wainer Cohen. They were very informative but, I spent my entire 2nd pregnancy hating and mistrusting my OB because, of the things that she wrote in those books. I know that she writes to empower women but, in doing so it can make the ones with little or no choices seem very helpless.
Janie
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#79 of 93 Old 01-21-2003, 11:01 AM - Thread Starter
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gonna have my 4th baby, 3rd c-birth in Sept. 03!

Yup-ol treelove's bearin' more fruit!
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#80 of 93 Old 01-21-2003, 09:15 PM
 
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I don't think you ever truly recover, you just learn to accept with great dignity that a c/s is the best option for you to give birth to your children. I can give life (c/s) and I can sustain life (BF) and most importantly I can love and nurture my baby.
I, too am drawn to other women's accounts of beautiful homebirth stories and a part of me wishes for that experience, but only a small part. I use to watch them on TLC and Discovery all the time, now I've moved on and no longer need or want to watch those birth shows.
When I look at my children, I don't even think about how they came into this world, I only know that they are my children to love and care for.
Think about all the positives surrounding a c/s and know that you did the best you could with the information and circumstances you were in at the time. I wish I did this or I wish I did that, only cause you do doubt that you did the best you could.
To all those c/s mammas out there, take care...
Rejoyce
Mama to Douglas 9 mo.
Mommy to Zachary 4 yrs.
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#81 of 93 Old 01-22-2003, 02:04 AM
 
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Well, everyday I let go of the doubt and sadness. It is a process. We can give/create life! This is our joy!
My "emergency OB" advises me to have a repeat section if I decide to be preggo again. He belives that my pelvis is too small for birthing babies. I feel so curvy and able. I am short (4'11) but I am round as well, my dp is 6'2 (my OB thinks it makes a difference)....has anyone else heard of this small pelvic thing?
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#82 of 93 Old 01-22-2003, 10:49 AM
 
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A friend of mine was told by her OB that she couldn't have children over 7.5lbs without a c/s. She is about to have her third (induced today, due on Feb 3), the other two were hard labors equating to over 7.5lb boys naturally. He measured her somehow. I have never had a doctor measure me for birthing and tell me a max baby size and when I asked about it OB said it isn't a true determiner and isn't done anymore. What I really think is that they want all women to attempt natural birth regardless of the situation. I wish I could find a doctor willing to listen to me, I think my pelvis is fused, neither of my children ever engaged, they were both floaters. The first boy was floating still after 2 1/2 hours of pushing, poor little guy had a bruise on his head from hitting my pelvic bone. I hated the fact that my planned c/s op report listed the c/s as "patient refusal to VBAC", how insulting to me. I enlisted the help of a gyn who is no longer in the ob bus. and he agreed that a c/s was best for me, I guess that opinion wasn't carried over to the different ob office for the pregnancy. oh, well...
hope that helped on the pelvic thing...
Rejoyce
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#83 of 93 Old 01-22-2003, 02:22 PM
 
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simpatico_limbo,

From what I have heard from others (I'm a c-section mom too), people who give birth in a hospital usually are laying flat on there backs. In that position, your body is not opened up all the way. You can open up your pelvic a little more in a sqatting position....plus the gravity works with you instead of against you. Again, I have never even tried a natural birth, but maybe you can find something on line about the benifits of a squatting position.

Robyn
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#84 of 93 Old 01-23-2003, 10:48 PM
 
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Just introducing myself

I have a beautiful, healthy 8 month old girl who probably wouldn't be here were it not for my c-section.

I was induced due to pre-eclampsia ~ first with Cytotec and then with Pitocin. After almost 48 hours of induction, I was only at 3 cm. I was 1 cm when they started the induction. And at one point during the Pitocin induction, I was contracting every minute with less than 10 seconds between contractions.

After the 48 hours, when I was only at 3 cm, my OB said he could either break my bag of waters and hope that that sped things along somewhat, or get me ready for a c-section. They also measured my fundal height and guessed my DD was going to be 9# or more, which was going to make vaginal birth even more complicated. I asked him what he would do if I was his wife, and he said he'd do the section. So, that's what we did. Was it ideal? Nope. Did I ever even think I would go that route? Nope. Do I regret it? Not for a second. I have a wonderful child and I really don't care how she made her way into the world. She's here now and that is really all that matters to me. It DID affect our first few weeks together, and contributed to my inability to BF her (despite all the efforts of many different LCs, as well as my DH who was fully committed to helping me with it). But I still don't regret it.

If we have another child, I am fairly sure I'll opt for a repeat section rather than attempt VBAC. I think that the harder thing for me was the fact that the section took me by suprise and I wasn't prepared for it. If I have another one, I'll be ready for it. (And I won't do dumb things like have the entire family over when the baby is 3 days old, or go to church while I still have my staples in! :LOL )

Anyway, it is so great to know that there are other mothers out there who are okay with the fact that they had a section and aren't ashamed of it!

Anne wife to Phil & mama to Katie
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#85 of 93 Old 02-01-2003, 09:04 AM
 
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Wow. I've been sitting here, reading through this whole 5 page long thread, often fighting back tears. I am very grateful to find this forum, and other women who have been through similar ordeals.

I had a 36 hour (active) labor, with no meds until we tried pit as a last-ditch effort to give me my dream of a vaginal birth. The whole labor was really wonderful to that point, and I am so glad I went through it.

On the one hand, I am heartbroken at not having done what I set out to do, at not having had those first moments with my precious baby (I had general anesthesia). On the other, I remember the wonderful, empowering (I never knew before what that word really meant!) experience of labor, and don't regret it one bit.

I think one of the hardest things for me was that I was longing for, looking forward to, pushing my baby out. And that's the ONE thing I didn't get to do. (Well, not the only one... all that important stuff like holding him right away didn't happen, either.)

So, like some one else posted, I never know where I really belong. Obviously, I had a c-section, but I also consider myself to have had a natural birth (ie. drug-free, even though it wasn't *completely*). I hate the feeling that people assume I had a "drugged" birth when they hear I had a c/s, when, in fact, I worked very, very hard at my labor and went through some immense pain in what I believed to be the best interests of my baby. Of course, my friends who had homebirths know that my hospital labor and c-section birth was nothing like theirs, so I don't quite fit in there, either...

As it was, DS was very healthy, alert, and had no problems other than the cord around his arm. They say he screamed when they took him out, but I don't know... DH did hear him, though. Poor DH, sitting in the hall waiting, crying for us. Anyway, making myself cry now...

But it is so important to talk about these things, isn't it? At 10.5 months later, I think I still keep a lot of it bottled up inside me. A few weeks after he was born I regularly had long crying spells because it was so hard to deal with (again, poor DH!). I never really even acknowledged it while we were in the hospital. I dealt with it, did what I had to do, took care of my precious baby, got through it. I kind of "toughed it out," as my way of dealing with it. Then the real dealing came when we were home and there was no more putting it off.

I really hope for a VBAC/HBAC (assuming that's H=home) with future pgs. I have Lyme disease, and we wonder if that had something to do with the problems in delivery. That's part of why I hope to not be pg again until I'm finished with the Lyme treatment. If I do have to have a c-birth again, we'll be more prepared. I have spina bifida occulta (a lesser form), but we didn't have any recent films to show where the "bad" vertebrae is. That, and the Lyme, made me a bad candidate for an epidural. I don't know that I really wanted one, anyway, but I do wish I'd been awake for his birth. As it is, his birth doesn't exist for me, if that makes sense. I fell asleep in great pain, awoke in great pain, and they said, "It's a boy!" What happened in between I don't know. My hope is that if we're better prepared in the future that we can circumvent that by having a different anesthesia. Of course, then I think about the side effects of those, and I think "igh!" Don't know if I want to mess with 'em!

Anyway, I'm sort of rambling on (more than sort of!). I'm very grateful to have this sort of a forum to discuss these issues... and feel like maybe someone else out there understands.

Thanks so much for listening.

HeatherB ~ mama to 3 wonderful boys:  reading.gif 03/02; modifiedartist.gif09/04; sleepytime.gif 09/07 - and Eliana, babygirl.gif 11/13/10!  
Founder of Houston Birth Alternatives: Be Informed, Encouraged, Supported birth support group and aspiring midwife.

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#86 of 93 Old 02-23-2003, 05:08 AM
 
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I posted here a couple of months ago but, I didn't feel "at liberty" to post the story of my 3rd c/s anywhere else.
Rachel Claire was born via planned c/s on 1/23/03 in the middle of a snowstorm. I was scheduled to have an amnio that morning to see if her lungs were mature, and then have the c/s at noon. I had the amnio(it wasn't bad at all), and it came back great. After that every thing went really fast. I was very suprised by this because, when I had my boys it seemed like it took forever to get the epidural and then alot longer for the section. This time they got the results from the amnio at 11:15, the epidural at 11:30, and the section started at 12:00 on the dot.
It all seemed very surreal actually because I had had a very very very good relationship with my OB this time and I was expecting to be secure in my decision to do this for the 3rd time but, I kept thinking maybe I should just go home. If I go home and don't think about it then the baby will come soon. But, before I knew it I was being cut open. He took the baby out and showed her to me and I just looked at her and didn't feel ANYTHING. Which was very strange because, even though my boys were c/s I loved them at first site. When they were born I was bawling my head off and this time I was kind of like Wow a baby. I didn't feel anything towards her. The good part is that they didn't take her out of the room the whole time they were working on me. They weighed her, and bathed her and everything right there while I was being sewn up. Dh sat there next to me. Before I had the baby I had made a big deal out of noone holding her until I got to so, when we got back to the room dh was really pushing me to hold her and nurse her and, I did but I didn't really want to. It brings tears to my eyes to think of it now but, as soon as I put her to the breast she didn't hesitate. She latched right on and I swear she looked me in the eye. It was almost like she wouldn't allow me not to love her. She nursed and nursed and nursed. She has been a wonderful baby. She is also my smallest baby and she has a little tiny head. I could have killed my OB. When he took her out he said "Wow, I think we could have done this one the natural way."
I have been having alot of weird emotional things going on. Like when I went to have my staples out I started crying in the OB's office thinking about how it was all over and I wouldn't be back there again unless I get pregnant again. And, don't get me wrong I love my little girl. But, my whole life I have wanted a daughter and now that I have one it isn't nearly as great as I thought it would be.
Oh yeah, one more thing. Dh got to video Rachel's birth. It all seems so violent to me. The OB is cutting then he is pulling and then this other guy is literally lying on top of my chest trying to push her out and I am just lying there with this stupid looking grin on my face. VERY VERY STRANGE.
Janie
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#87 of 93 Old 02-23-2003, 01:48 PM
 
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I had a c-sec with dd#4.
My first dd was born with no drugs no interventions and not much support from my then husband. He fell asleep. I felt so strong and natural and like super woman. She was 10# 2oz. I *just * knew my body could do this and truely felt a c-sec was for people who didn't try hard enough. Same with bfing. The she died of SIDS at almost 6 months. How could this be. I did everything right!!! I had people ask me with *that look* in their eyes if I had had drugs with birthing, breast feed, sleep with baby. When I would tell people about her being at a sitters for a few hours when she died, I could sometimes sense the 'oh that explains it' feeling.
Birthed dd #2, 10# 1oz, no drugs no interventions, still strong in my belief in my body, but a bit wiser about judging
With dd #3 I had a home birth planned. Labored off and on for 2 days. Not regular enough to do much good, but strong enough to wake me up everytime. I walked, I cleaned house, I sat still, I lay in the dark, I went outside, I ate, I bathed, I had sex, I took castor oil, I pooped. I got tired and went to the hospital and basically just threw myself on their mercy. The Ob broke my water. Nothing. A few more hours, a pit drip was started. Then one HUGE contraction that they could not stop even after stopping the drip. I birthed her vaginally, with me trying to crawl up and out of the bed away from my vagina, crying. A friend that was a mom 3 times finally lay on top on me and made me look her in the eyes and "taught" me how to birth my baby. Horrible experience, bad tear, baby girl exploded out of me. Lucky the nurse was ready cause the stupid OB was very uninvolved and even though the nurse was pretty insistant that he get over there like now, he was still gowning and gloving and getting ready. She would have landed on the floor!!
DD #4 was 2 weeks late. I was scheduled to go in that moring at 0400. I went into labor during the night. My friend with me and I both could tell the baby's heart beat would really drop with contractions as the night wore on. I started to get scared and went in at 0500 anyway. On a monitor (again) afriad of repeating induction nghtmare. My feelings of fear were changing to great anxiety about the baby. I kept saying that some thing was not ok, that I could not go through with this. When my friend said, "look at the monitor", and I saw her heartrate drop to 40, I said, "get this baby out of here!!" The baby's father whom I had told to "Say NO!!" to any intervention got in the Dr.'s face, tryin to stop surgery and help me. (I had felt somewhat betrayed by him at the older daughters induction). The Dr. and I concurred, as did my friend, and off the emergent c-sec we went. I knew I wanted a spinal, and they wanted general, but as luck would have it, the anasthesia dude who was "very best" at spinals was there, and he agreed. They gave me a shot in the thigh to stop the contractions right when I was getting all panty and transition y. Poof, they were gone! Very weird. Then they rolled me over, no easy feat, poked the spinal in, rolled me back over, tested the numbness and cut me open. I was completely sectioned before dp got his scrubs on!. Then, she didn't breathe. I could hear them talking about all the meconium. The cord was wrapped very tightly around her neck 3 times. They intubated her. I felt very disconnected. I was sorta chanting under my breath for her to breathe, but I was not crying, or dying inside with fear. Very weird. I have never told anybody else this. It was as if I had no real stake in what happened. I hope I am not judged for this. I am ashamed of it.
We bonded later, after she was out of NICU and in my arms and at my breast. When they wheeled me into see her in the NICU, I cried for the poor little thing to be so wired up and tied down, but still not because she was my baby who was just inside me and now was sick. Luckily she extubated right away and spent the night with me, and then the tears came!!!
Now, she is almost 3 and is a complete joy!! A very easy baby. Still nursing, free with hugs and kisses, loves to snuggle.
My dd #3, age 8, the pitocin birth one, was a very high need baby, pushed away at the breast so much that I pumped and dp fed her bottles, which worked better, but still she was not very happy. My milk supply dwindeled and she was completely ff by 6 months. She has been the hardest one for me to read, the one who still freaks out over changes big and small and is the most intense of all my kids. I have wondered in my heart if it is because I "forced" her out before she was ready. Maybe if had just labored for a little while longer... Did the way she was birthed affect her personality.
So I have WAY more issues with the violent vaginal birth, then with the emergent c-sec. I really feel there was no choice with the c-sec, and am proud that I *felt* something was wrong with my baby. Even though I felt so disconected at her birth, we bonded so easily later. Am I just trying to *blame" dd #3's personality on something? I have a lot of guilt about this.

If anyone has read this far, bless you. I am sorry it is so long. I guess I really felt the need.... My little one's name is Claire, too!!
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#88 of 93 Old 02-23-2003, 01:53 PM
 
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Gosh, Janie, I am so sorry I did not reply to your post. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling so discontected about the way you birthed your baby and your baby. I don't know why. But I did too, and feel the mixed emotions in your post. When they wheeled me in to the NICU to see my baby, they took a picture and I am looking at the camera with a stupid silly smile while my baby is laying there all wired up. Whose stupid idea was that?
How cool that your baby made you *see* her and love her. That is so cool. You are amazing to have the courage to look in those eyes and know that. You sound like a super mom.
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#89 of 93 Old 02-24-2003, 04:51 PM
 
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Hi everyone,
CSection only mom here. Even my son who we adopted at birth was born via csection. (he will not be left out...lol)
My first csection was a nightmare but the second was wonderful and practically pain free!!!
I have a mullerian anomally so its unlikely I will ever have a vaginal birth.
I'm okay with that now!

My kids are 6, 2, and Jack will be 1 on March 1st.
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#90 of 93 Old 02-27-2003, 01:29 AM
 
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I haven't read all the other responses yet (only got through page 2!), but wanted to add my story....

I didn't labor at all. Well, not until I got the hospital and started contracting every 5 minutes (maybe Adia knew it was her birthday???). My OB (he's truly fabulous) discovered Adia was breech when I was around 30 weeks pg. They were doing an ultrasound to rule out IUGR and discovered that my fluids were low and that Adia had her lovely feet in her face. She stayed that way no matter what we tried.

I was offered a ECV but decided against it. Due to low fluid levels, the fact that this was my first pg and this overwhelming gut feeling (both DH and I felt this way) that our little girl was stuck I opted to schedule a c-section.

So, on to the questions:

How did you come to terms w/ your c-birth?
I truly truly believe in my heart that Adia was wedged in my pelvis and that a c/s was the only birth safe for her. She'd been in the frank breech position for at least 9 weeks, probably longer and wouldn't budge. I also had a week to make peace with the idea that I wasn't going to have the drug free birth I was planning on. I cried alot. I paced alot. I had dreams and nightmares. I spent lots of time rubbing Adia's head and talked to her and one day realized that having a c/s was ok.

Have you made peace with it? If yes, then how?
You know, the second I heard my dr say our baby was a girl (we didn't know) and I heard her cry all my anger and sadness over the loss of a drug free birth vanished. All that mattered was that Adia was here and she was healthy. Beyond that day I've made peace by knowing that I'm going to be a childbirth educator and a doula. Even if I have all surgical births I know that I'll be there for other pg couples and laboring women and I'll get to be a part of those births and of other women's labor experiences. That's done alot to make me feel at peace with myself and Adia's birth.

How was your recovery?
Remarkably good. Even my dr commented on how quickly I was up and around. I felt pretty good once I got home. It wasn't nearly as bad as I anticipated.

How did it affect your bonding? self esteem?
I got to hold Adia and nurse her an hour after birth. She must have known it would take awhile because she was extremely alert when the nurse brought her in to me. She nursed like a pro from the start. I truly wonder if she *knew* to wait for me.?. Once we spent some time gazing at each other and she had her first nip at the breast she took a long nap.

What is the most important thing you have learned/gained from you expirience?
I've learned that it's your attitude that makes you stronger after the birth of a child; not how you gave birth. I feel incredibly empowered by Adia's birth. I didn't labor with her, but I healed from surgery instead. I bear the physcial scar that marked her arrival into this world. Her birth touched me in a way I can't even express.

I think too, I realize now more than every how much I want to be a childbirth educator and doula. I've got that much more fire in my soul to do this work now that I know I might never have the kind of birth I dreamed of. It's given weight to my passion.

I'm so glad this forum is here!
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