My sister's husband said I was drinking! - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-11-2005, 08:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So...my sister, who is prone to dramatics and exaggeration (i.e. lies), hosted a family gathering on Memorial Day with her third husband (she gets tired of one, has an affair and then marries the latest guy) who has been in the family less than one year. He has seemed nice enough, but there's something about him my other sisters and I just can't put our fingers on.

At the gathering my sister made a huge deal about how she had a glass of wine on the kitchen counter, and when she went back to it later it was half gone. She went on and on about it, even though no one else even seemed to know what she was talking about. We're all pretty sure none of the kids would have had any. I think I made a joke in front of everyone (to try to get her to shut up already) about how it wasn't me (I'm seven months pregnant).

Fast forward to last weekend, when my sister and her husband took my parents out for lunch (in yet another attempt to suck up to them before they re-do their wills and keel over, I guess), my sister's husband told my parents that on Memorial Day I told him privately that *I* was the one who drank the wine, but didn't want to admit it. And my mom believed him! She told my other sister, "I guess New Mama isn't as pure as we thought she was!"

Now, I don't want to debate whether or not half a glass of wine in one's third trimester is such a terrible thing, but the thing is, if I'd wanted to sneak some alcohol why would I do it at a family gathering? And why would I admit it to the newest member of the family, who I barely know, and who is hosting the event?

I'm at a loss to explain why he would do this. My parents find him so charming...but now I just think he's creepy and gross. I guess he and my sister deserve one another.

The worst part is that I can't defend myself to my mom. She's not the one who told me -- my other sister is. And even if I try to defend myself it will look like I'm protesting too much.

ARGH!

Formerly New Mama to Henry, born August 2005 and Silas, born November 2010.
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Old 06-11-2005, 08:56 PM
 
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I can certainly understand your frustration! What on earth do these people have to gain by starting such ridiculous rumours! Perhaps they need to create drama to detract from their own shortcomings and try to win favour of your parents. These are sad actions of people who are insecure and can't trust themselves and as a result will undermine others at any cost to try and look good.
In many ways this is a form of mental illness. There is not much you can do to change the fact that they said such things about you. However, I think you can talk this out with your Mother and re assure her that it never happened. Whether she believes you or not is her choice but at least you can state your piece. Just remember to not cut down the people who started the rumour...keep your integrity and you will be respected.

To withdraw from an argument may not make you the winner but what you have saved is your dignity and grace.

Good Luck.
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Old 06-11-2005, 09:47 PM
 
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Hunh. I'm a pretty direct person. I'd phone him up and tell him that next time he wants to tarnish my character he should have the decency to do it to my face. And that if he ever did anything like that again, he'd regret it.

But then, I'm kind of direct like that.

Sorry you're going through this. And that your family are not as supportive of you as they should be. We can choose our friends but we can't choose our family.

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Old 06-12-2005, 12:51 AM
 
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Whoa! I would be PISSED. I would call him up and give him an earful. I *hate* liars. :

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Old 06-12-2005, 01:26 AM
 
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And what a seriously stupid thing to lie about!!! Well, at least now you know what a giant ass he is. Maybe you can fix your sister up with her next conquest? :LOL Just kidding. Don't you just love family sometimes??? They can drive you to drink.
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Old 06-12-2005, 03:13 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by New Mama
I'm at a loss to explain why he would do this.
Maybe it's part of the plan to charm his, and your sister's, way into the will.

Quote:
My parents find him so charming...but now I just think he's creepy and gross.
Sounds like my mother's boyfriend, whom I thankfully have not met due to living on a different continent. He charmed his way around many of my mother's siblings from what I gather, but he's a major creep. The weird thing is I knew he was a creep the first time he emailed me, and it's just odd that you could get a vibe like that from a mere email. I later found out that he'd made sleazy comments to my brother's girlfriend (my younger brothers still live at home) and he'd actually called one of my brother's an idiot to his face, at the dinner table in our own house, where he was a guest (my brother is a college grad doing a university degree, so certainly no idiot).

I'm still not entirely sure what it is he's after, but with my parent's marriage on the rocks, he's been extremely "helpful" recommending an attorney to my mother, one who's incredibly unreasonable. So I get the feeling he's nothing more than a golddigger.

I hope to $deity that I never meet the creep, because I still want to punch him in the mouth for what he said to my brother, who is one of the sweetest guys I know and certainly never deserved to be disrespected like that in his own home. I also don't forgive my mother for sitting there and letting the guy say that to her son either for that matter.

But, trust your instincts... if you get creep vibes off this guy, then the odds are that he's a creep. Personally I'd take it up with him, and mention that he should watch whom he tells lies about. Alternatively you could get your other sister to try and defend you to your mother, or at least diffuse the story a bit... have her tell your mother that she knows you didn't do it, etc.

Good luck though.


Marieke

Mama to Dashiell (July '05) and Matilda (March '08)
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Old 06-12-2005, 03:58 AM
 
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Well...what a weaselly weirdo. I suspect we know who scooped your sister's wine. He's obviously a liar, and it sounds as though he's the kind of manipulator who stirs up trouble. You can't do much (if anything) about him and your sister...and if your parents believed him, I think you're stuck there, too. I'd make sure your other siblings know it wasn't you, though. This guy sounds as though he may be one of those people who just likes to stir people up for kicks...dangerous to have around.

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Old 06-12-2005, 04:31 AM
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I say, forget them both. People want to lie about me, and "family" who would actually beleive that garbage? I would easily sever ties.
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Old 06-12-2005, 04:54 AM
 
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Call him on it.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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Old 06-12-2005, 09:30 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amarasmom
Call him on it.
Yeah, that'd be my approach, too. And I'd do it in such a way that it really puts the burden back on him -- "Why would you feel the need to lie about me? Why on earth would you want to hurt me like that?" etc. but VERY innocently, like you really want to understand his motivation. Not confrontationally, ykwim? With any luck, he'll squirm. If he's a cretin enough to stand his ground, then to hell with 'im.

Good luck, hon!
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Old 06-12-2005, 09:34 AM
 
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If the subject comes up, I'd tell your mama how outraged you are that she accepts the word of a near-total stranger over you, her own daughter. I wouldn't give that jackass the satisfaction of knowing he's upset me, personally- but that's just me. On the overall scale of things, he's probably just the latest in a line of disposable husbands (based on your sisters track record) whereas you and your family are what really matters.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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Old 06-13-2005, 12:32 AM
 
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ughhhhhhhhhh!!! What a moron (not the word I'd really use, but I'm trying to be nice ). You have to do what you are comfortable doing. Me: I'd absolutely call him on it and I liked beachcombers comment that she'd let him know he'd regret it if he ever did it again.

...I actually had this great visual of a TAPED phone conversation (not suggesting it, I think it may be illegal in some places!) where you told him off, asked him why on earth he had the need to lie about you, and then played the tape for your parents........boy, that is a little evil isn't it?

But really, you know the truth and sounds like your sisters know the truth, so just be sad for his wife and your parents who don't seem to know the real you...also sounds like they are a little jealous of the person you really are.

AND......if all else fails send him and has wife a bottle of wine with a nice note!
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Old 06-13-2005, 01:15 AM
 
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My fil lied to my bil and his wife and I found out (seems I was the only person that knew) and told my bil and his wife. And they called him on it - in front of me. So that he couldn't get away with it. But you know what? It didn't change a thing. My ils still withhold info and lie : we try not to have too much to do with them anymore because it just obvious they have serious issues. We certainly don't need that influence in my children's lives! I don't think saying anything, or calling him on it would do a thing. Unless you are super sneeky and manage to get everyone in the family to see what he is really like you aren't going to get anywhere. Just try not to have anything to do with him.

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Old 06-13-2005, 05:44 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2emerson
AND......if all else fails send him and has wife a bottle of wine with a nice note!
lol.

I'd send Sis & BIL a corked half-bottle with a note attached explaining that "it couldn't be helped, what with being a 7 month pregnant wino." When the crap hits the fan, laugh it off. Explain that the original idea that you would finish your sisters half glass (when really, couldn't you have snuck a WHOLE glass with less drama?) was so ludicrous that it deserved a good laugh.

Brush it off, and act non-pulsed.

And from now on out, be on guard against BIL. He's got something up his sleave.
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Old 06-13-2005, 08:43 AM
 
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You know, I had pretty much the same thing happen to me a little while after I had my first daughter (of course everyone knew I was nursing her). I'd gone out that night with my best friend and another friend (a relative's ex, so connected to my family) who'd had her baby a couple weeks after I had mine...Anyway, we stopped at a convenience store on our way back to my best friend's place and picked up some sodas. As we were pulling out of the parking lot, I saw the wife of another cousin and made the stupid, stupid mistake of calling out to her to say hi. Anyway, we chatted for like 15 seconds in the parking lot...And two months later it got back to me via my mother that this woman had gone home all het up and called my aunt (her mother-in-law) with some stupid story about how she saw me and the other woman in the store buying beer. Of course, that she was lying was obvious to everyone in question, as I am known for loathing beer! To this day I have no freaking idea why she concocted that story, and to be honest I don't care (nor did I then).

Of course, I had the foreknowledge that the woman in question is a total dingbat. As my mother is fond of saying--consider the source and ignore it. Personally, I wouldn't waste my time trying to defend myself to someone so quick to believe the "worst" of me, relative or no.

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Old 06-13-2005, 12:25 PM
 
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Myabe I'm rude, crass, and a b****, but if it were me, I would wait until the whole family is gathered, confront the bil, and then turn to my parents and tell them that if they have so little respect for me that they would believe something like that, that you don't want them in their forthcoming grandchild's life.

I think making a real stink about it and forcing the issue into the light of day will make a BIG difference. It will also let your parents know that you have some standards.
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Old 06-13-2005, 12:59 PM
 
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I think I'd bring it up in front of your parents, sisters and him and ask why he would lie about you drinking? In a very concerned "I'm worried about your health and welfare" voice. He will be surprised you mentioned it at all, and will most likely be backpedalling in front of everyone. Then I'd turn to my folks and do a "shame on you for believing something so silly and obviously untrue" look and comment.

I'd then completely steer clear of him. He's out for something - and it's only going to come back to bite you (I think he'll be making comments regardless of whether you say something or not. If you don't respond he'll think you are "easy bait" if you do respond he'll then have to make things up to be vengeful). But once you've pointed out his lies once, I'd hope your family would wake up and realize they can't always listen to him.

Michelle
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Old 06-13-2005, 01:06 PM
 
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I think the issue here is that he 'wants' to make an issue out of this because then he can split your family apart - I've been through this with sil - she's tried to start several rumours around - it's just not worked and unfortunately now keeps my brother at a great distance from his family! It's so sad but I do believe that it is a control issue and it's certainly not uncommon. Yes it's cruel and unkind but at the end of the day YOU know the truth and liers need very good memories - they get intrenched in elaborate stories and forget what they have told different people - I'm sure it'll all come out in the end, it certainly has with us and now we're all like - yeah right, whatever with sil. She's just made a fool of herself with all the stupid stories and suchlike. I'd try to sit it out - it sounds as if he's just a passing ship anyway. Hopefully your M+D will work things out for themselves - doesn't sound as if it will take very long!
Good luck and to you not what you want at this stage in your pregnancy!

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Old 06-13-2005, 01:20 PM
 
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That would drive me bonkers and I would def tell my mother. I'd just say I don't know why he said that but it didn't happen. Like others said, I wouldn't say one bad word about him or the sister.

Having some wine in the 3rd tri isn't a big deal anyway, IMO. So why would you bother to hide it?
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Old 06-13-2005, 02:50 PM
 
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Oh, PLEASE. I'm 7 mo pregnant and just bought a bottle of my favorite shiraz cabernet for our 5th anniversary this weekend. And yes, I'm having a glass!

Wine in the 3rd tri is not that big a deal. I would suspect it's not even that big a deal earlier (in reasonable quantities). We are so uptight about this in the US - it's kind of weird, imho.

I have met women who will NOT look at alcohol during pregnancy but have multiple ultrasounds for no medical reason, and then scheduled C sections for convenience. It's all a matter of perspective, I guess....

A writer/runner/thinker/wife with two daughters (11/02 and 8/05), one dog, three cats, seven fish, and a partridge in a pear tree... in Vermont.
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Old 06-13-2005, 03:04 PM
 
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Maybe I'm just completely jaded, but to me, it sounds almost like a set-up from the start, with your sis and bil acting together. Sounds completely awful, but stranger things have happened when it comes to family wanting to "get in the will". I've seen too many families torn apart from will greed to discredit the thought.

As to what to do with it, I dunno. I think I'd talk with your other sibs privately and then let it go at that. If it was a set-up, they're likely to become targets as well. If it happens again, then do the public confrontation.
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Old 06-13-2005, 09:23 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nancy926
Oh, PLEASE. I'm 7 mo pregnant and just bought a bottle of my favorite shiraz cabernet for our 5th anniversary this weekend. And yes, I'm having a glass!

Wine in the 3rd tri is not that big a deal. I would suspect it's not even that big a deal earlier (in reasonable quantities). We are so uptight about this in the US - it's kind of weird, imho.
I tend to agree with this to some degree. But, that doesn't change the fact that the BIL is deliberately slandering the OP...making it appear that she's deliberately making herself "look better" than she really is. The whole thing is really bizarre.

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Old 06-13-2005, 11:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DH suggested I e-mail my sister and in a light tone ask her what was up with her husband's statement. She responded by feigning innocence, saying, "I don't know.... now I'm confused. This could turn into a mystery. Seriously, I apologize if you're offended. Did someone tell him that as a joke? He still sometimes misses subtleties in American speech. I'll have to ask him when he gets up this morning."

Okay, he's from New Zealand (and lived in London for ten or so years and here for the last year-and-a-half)...not Japan. And he either said I took him aside and told him I drank the wine or he didn't.

She didn't contact me after that, but she told my other sister, "I think [New Mama] is mad at me." Her viewpoint is that her husband probably just heard something and misconstrued it. In fact, she said that maybe MY husband had said something.

So...now it's all "Oh, he must have gotten it wrong. Oh well." But there's still the matter of him badmouthing me to my parents and them believing him. I'm thinking of sending my sister this e-mail and cc'ing it to her husband:

"I was hoping that Mom just misunderstood [your husband]. This is a pretty big accusation to make for someone who 'misses subtleties in American speech.' What's worse is that Mom chose to believe him.

No matter what the confusion, I would ask that [your husband] tell Mom and Dad that he was mistaken and his allegation is not true. Since they're out of the country until the end of the month he can e-mail them at [Mom's e-mail address] and Cc: me with a correction and an apology.

When that's done I will consider the matter closed."

What do you think? Is this too witchy and forceful?

Formerly New Mama to Henry, born August 2005 and Silas, born November 2010.
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Old 06-14-2005, 09:32 AM
 
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IMO, nope, not at all! Go for it!
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Old 06-14-2005, 12:09 PM
 
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Just read about your plight and had to respond.
I was in the same situation as you only it was with my SIL. She told her mother lies about me and dh. MIL chose to believe her words and got into a huge fight with dh about it. I confronted MIL about 2 mo. later about what was said and she felt so bad about it. (this is the short version.)

I would let it go until a later date and then bring it up. By getting upset and showing how you feel right now, they can and will say that it most be true because you are protesting too much. And shame on your parents for believing some stranger over you. (yes I had this happen all the time with my mom.)

Don't let it get to you. You have a new baby on the way who is more precious then those others.

love and blessings
angie
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Old 06-14-2005, 01:20 PM
 
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If your dh is originally from New Zealand and has spent more than a few years over here (UK) , I doubt he's missed any subtleties whatsoever- without coming across overtly racist, I think we tend to be more sarcastic and use far more innuendo than you do over there. Certainly, this is the stereotypical point of view.
I'd still be more upset that my mum allowed someone to badmouth me behind my back, than that some lying toad did it, personally.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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Old 06-15-2005, 01:57 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by New Mama
What do you think? Is this too witchy and forceful?
To answer your question: No

Let me first say, I don't disagree with those who have said let it go and don't give it your energy. advice I tend to find hard to do myself. SO, if you are like me and really can't let this rest or rid yourself of the negative energy until you feel this is resolved, then continue reading:

what about YOU emailing your mom and ccing your sister (and maybe BIL)???
something like (sis) clarified with me that (bil) made a mistake when he said blah blah blah to you. I was pretty hurt to have heard you believed him but am glad that the record is being set straight.

I know it takes the "own-ness" away from your S and BIL but maybe it closes the door for YOU and makes it very clear to jerk-head that you won't put up with his crap.

But whatever you choose to do, I hope you can deal with him as little as possible in the future and stay in a positive energy place for your baby!!!
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Old 06-15-2005, 03:24 AM
 
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[QUOTE=beachcomber]Hunh. I'm a pretty direct person. I'd phone him up and tell him that next time he wants to tarnish my character he should have the decency to do it to my face. And that if he ever did anything like that again, he'd regret it.
\/QUOTE]


Yah what she said. Or you cuold play stupid...call him and say something like
"I heard through the grape-vine that you said that I told you that I drank the wine. I know how my mom can be sometimes so I wanted to make sue there wasn't a missunderstanding. What was it you actually said?"

Reading on....Oh I am glad you said something I really do think you should keep at it.
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Old 06-15-2005, 09:47 AM
 
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Huh, subtleties of American speech...like, thinking people are talking to you when actually they haven't said anything to you at all? that kind of subtlety? Or subtleties like, the difference between "true" and "not at all true" or "a lie"?

I think it's time to pull back toward your nuclear family: your dh, your step children, and your household. I would feel very chilly toward my mom in the situation you describe, though I do want to acknowledge that she might have felt uncomfortable giving someone the lie to his face, and wanted to just, uh, say something. Ick.

Plan, when you have the baby, to have some friends in your community support you by bringing food and by being the people who come over to help you. Or hire a doula. Your family doesn't sound reliable for that kind of stuff.

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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Old 06-23-2005, 06:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by captain optimism
Huh, subtleties of American speech...like, thinking people are talking to you when actually they haven't said anything to you at all? that kind of subtlety? Or subtleties like, the difference between "true" and "not at all true" or "a lie"?

I think it's time to pull back toward your nuclear family: your dh, your step children, and your household. I would feel very chilly toward my mom in the situation you describe, though I do want to acknowledge that she might have felt uncomfortable giving someone the lie to his face, and wanted to just, uh, say something. Ick.

Plan, when you have the baby, to have some friends in your community support you by bringing food and by being the people who come over to help you. Or hire a doula. Your family doesn't sound reliable for that kind of stuff.
Once again, I am agreeing with Captain Optimism...

In one of my less mature moments, I might say to BIL in front of everyone, "Thanks for covering for me, BIL, and saying it was just a half glass of wine, when you KNOW all I ever do is smoke a lot of CRACK!" CO's way is better.
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