I am really ashamed of myself for my attitude,but it has been less than positive since I discovered I am pregnant with my second child. It was NOT planned in any way...total accident.
I have stopped feeling intense anger,but I still have yet to have a positive feeling about being pregnant or having another child.
I love my son, and really, I was not giving a lot of thought to having anyomre kids anytime in the near future.My son is two, and I think I could have waited until he was five before I even considered having another child!!
I have not gone to see the doctor but once, and that was to find out for sure if I was indeed pregnant.Then I told the nurse how I felt, and left quickly without making another appointment.
I have been in a sort of sense of denial, and also have really just had the very immature reasoning of"if I just ignore it, it will go away". !!I am 27 years old, not a seven year old kid!! I should know better,yet here I am ..avoiding the entire thing.
My husband,mother, and friends all keep asking me when or if I have gone to the dr, and I say no, then change the subject as fast as possible.
There is a part of me that has thought,"gee, maybe I will have a miscarriage". I am NOT ordinarily this type of a person!!!!!!
What is wrong with me??? I know I should be all happy and thrilled.I know it is not this childs fault it was concieved...and yet I just am SO ANGRY about the entire situation!!
Because of this I feel like I HAVE to wean my son,and get him to sleep in his own little bed beside mine. I feel like I have to shove him to the side and change everything about my life.
I had a section with myson, and on one hand,feel like I should just have another section.Then I think, no, maybe I should try to vbac....but my husband is NOT supportive of that idea at all.After the chaos of our first childs birth, he thinks it would be so much saner and easier to put the date on the calendar and then let it go. My Mother( who will be coming to stay with me to help out from 3,000 miles away)is NOT supportive of a vbac either.I have friends who think I need a midwife and a vbac, and anything less is possibly another proof positive of how modern medicine has to have its hands in everything...and yet..I am the one who has to choose.I am the one who has to decide this, and I just want to go hide my head in the sand!!!!!!
I hate change, I hate anything that breaks up my routine and makes me move out of what I percieve to be my comfort zone..and this pregnancy has sure done that.
I have had awful dreams of abandoning the baby, leaving it in a hot car, and just wrapping it up in a blanket and leaving it behind me somewhere. I wake up in a panic, and spend the rest of the day shuddering over the dark and awful images in my dreams.
What kind of an awful person am I!!!!!!!!!Who feels these things about a baby!!!!!!!!!!
I know right now all over the planet there are women BEGGING what ever God they believe in for a child..and here I am,pregnant and resentful!!!
What am I going to do? What is WRONG with me!!!!!!