I am pregnant, and having negative feelings about it!! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 01:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am really ashamed of myself for my attitude,but it has been less than positive since I discovered I am pregnant with my second child. It was NOT planned in any way...total accident.

I have stopped feeling intense anger,but I still have yet to have a positive feeling about being pregnant or having another child.

I love my son, and really, I was not giving a lot of thought to having anyomre kids anytime in the near future.My son is two, and I think I could have waited until he was five before I even considered having another child!!

I have not gone to see the doctor but once, and that was to find out for sure if I was indeed pregnant.Then I told the nurse how I felt, and left quickly without making another appointment.

I have been in a sort of sense of denial, and also have really just had the very immature reasoning of"if I just ignore it, it will go away". !!I am 27 years old, not a seven year old kid!! I should know better,yet here I am ..avoiding the entire thing.

My husband,mother, and friends all keep asking me when or if I have gone to the dr, and I say no, then change the subject as fast as possible.

There is a part of me that has thought,"gee, maybe I will have a miscarriage". I am NOT ordinarily this type of a person!!!!!!

What is wrong with me??? I know I should be all happy and thrilled.I know it is not this childs fault it was concieved...and yet I just am SO ANGRY about the entire situation!!

Because of this I feel like I HAVE to wean my son,and get him to sleep in his own little bed beside mine. I feel like I have to shove him to the side and change everything about my life.

I had a section with myson, and on one hand,feel like I should just have another section.Then I think, no, maybe I should try to vbac....but my husband is NOT supportive of that idea at all.After the chaos of our first childs birth, he thinks it would be so much saner and easier to put the date on the calendar and then let it go. My Mother( who will be coming to stay with me to help out from 3,000 miles away)is NOT supportive of a vbac either.I have friends who think I need a midwife and a vbac, and anything less is possibly another proof positive of how modern medicine has to have its hands in everything...and yet..I am the one who has to choose.I am the one who has to decide this, and I just want to go hide my head in the sand!!!!!!

I hate change, I hate anything that breaks up my routine and makes me move out of what I percieve to be my comfort zone..and this pregnancy has sure done that.


I have had awful dreams of abandoning the baby, leaving it in a hot car, and just wrapping it up in a blanket and leaving it behind me somewhere. I wake up in a panic, and spend the rest of the day shuddering over the dark and awful images in my dreams.

What kind of an awful person am I!!!!!!!!!Who feels these things about a baby!!!!!!!!!!

I know right now all over the planet there are women BEGGING what ever God they believe in for a child..and here I am,pregnant and resentful!!!


What am I going to do? What is WRONG with me!!!!!!
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#2 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 01:28 AM
 
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It is alright to feel conflicted about a new baby. I have never been happy when I find out I am pregant. ACtually, the last time I was downright despondant. I had such bad PPD the sencond time that I didn't want to go through that again. And I was enrolled in school again and I had PLANS. Plans that did not include another annoying, clingy infant! Pregnancy and motherhood are a huge imposition! Now, I like the end result, but it has taken awhile.

It sounds like there are alot of unresolved issues from your first pregnancy. I would recommend that once you are feeling up to it, please research all your birthing options so that whatever you decide is something you can be comfortable with. The more information you have, the more you can share with your husband who just wants the best for you, he's just using his limited amount of information to arrive at the "best" answer right now.

I think that you are a great mama. I think that it is perfectly fine to need more time to adjust to these new dynamics in your life.

Take time for you. Don't force weaning if it doensn't feel right. I know a tandem nursing, all four co-sleep family. I don't know if I would want to, but they like it. And remember, you are entitled to make your own decisions. I think you know that, I just wanted to reiterate it for you.

Best wishes and PM me if you need to vent. Trust me, I have been there.

Love,
Miranda
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#3 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 01:31 AM
 
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#4 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 01:41 AM
 
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i can sympathize with you.. We got pg with our 2nd ds 10 days after dh and i got married.. I had only had 1 period since we had had our 1st ds and he was not even a year old yet.. Definately NOT planned... I was in shock as well...

Give yourself time to come to term with this pregnancy.. It does take time to adjust, and from the sound of your post you are one of those people who needs a big long transition period to feel comfortable with something... If you feel your feelings are really dangerous, you should by all means talk to a professional councillor or psychioatist (sp??) .. You could be feeling this way from all those hormones raging through your body right now...

As for the vbac, that is TOTALLY your choice.. I can tell you from experience that a vbac was a much easier recovery for me personally than my c/section..., but for me the c was very painful for a very long time... The labor was awful with the vbac, but i was up and feeling fine within a day.. Tired, but not in an @SSLOAD of pain like with my section...

Only you can decide the best was to deliver this child.. That's it period.. It doesn't matter whether your mother likes it or not.. The same goes for your husband.. A section is major abdominal surgery, and shouldn't be taken lightly just because people who are not going to be sliced into think that it would be more convenient... If YOU feel it's the best option for you, do it... If you are thinking about doing it for someone else i would have to tell you to seriously rethink why you are having a surgery, that like all surgeries, could have some very serious complications you aren't planning for...

For the nursing and family bed... No one (here at least ) is saying you need to give either of those up.. If it is working for you and your family do what works for you.. Don't fix it if it isn't broken... We stopped nursing ds1 after we became pg with ds2 because i had quite a bit of very early (4-6 months) preterm labor.. It seemed the best option for us, but it was a very individual choice... Do what is right for you and your family, and everything WILL work out in the end.. That's just the way the universe, god, whatever you want to call it works...

I hope you find some peace with this soon...

Warm Squishy Feelings...

Dyan

It's lonely being the only XX in a house of XYs.
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#5 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 01:57 AM
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Give yourself some time. As you said you already started to change how you felt about it.

If you need to talk - PM me!! I would be happy to chat with you Secret Santa buddy!

much love and peace to you Rebekah.

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#6 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 02:37 AM
 
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My first child was planned and very wanted. When I found out I was pregnant though, I freaked out a bit. The first six weeks after I found out I was pg I had a lot of negative feelings. In fact, pregnancy made me even more pro-choice than I was before. I can't imagine being pg and not planning it or not wanting the baby. It must be really, really difficult on the ol' psyche.

That being said, I began to let go of the fear and angst and eventually enjoyed my pg a great deal. Having my dd was that life-changing event that I will remember forever.

You know what? Each of my successive pg I felt the exact same way initially--as in feeling resentful and protective of my body. My second pg ended in a loss, so you can imagine the guilt I felt. I am now four weeks away from giving birth again (for the last time). Pg is hard on you even when you want to be pg.

If you feel as if you might act on your feelings, I'd certainly talk to someone. Above all, be gentle with yourself. If you are planning on keeping the baby, then you will eventually work through these feelings and love your second just as much as your first.

As far as the VBAC goes, all you can do is gather as much info as possible and make the decision YOU feel best making. Then move on and f*ck anyone who disagrees. Its your body, your baby.

As for the transitions in the family (nursing and co-sleeping), don't worry about making any huge changes now. Who knows, perhaps it will all work out. Doesn't it always??

((((((((hugs))))))))) PM me if you need to talk.

Jesse
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#7 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 02:50 AM
 
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I just want to send you a big ol' hug

...and remind you that when you gaze upon this child's face you will know a love like that you discovered with your first. You know that deep in your gut, so don't feel bad...let yourself be a bit angry, let yourself get used to it. You know in your heart that you will love this child as fiercely as the first.

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#8 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 05:03 AM
 
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Being angry and resentful is perfectly normal. You wanted to wait for a while before having another yet this happened. I agree with the others tandem nursing works great for a lot of people and your ds may decide he is ready to wean before the baby is born.

If your not ready to move your ds out of your bed then why do it?? AS long as everyone is happy thne I see no reason to change something that seems to be working well.

There is a lot of great info in the VBAC forum, and while a csection may seem "easier" it is still a very serious procedure.

I think a lot of it has to do with what you mentioned about moving your ds out of your bed and weaning and such, it seems you really wanted to baby your ds for a while longer. I can see how feeling that your ds is being "shoved aside" would result in such negative feelings towards any additional pregnancies. I would just say you seem like you love your boy very much and I am sure you will love this baby just as much.

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#9 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 02:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just wanted to thank everyone who responded.I am really touched(with tears in my eyes).I have thought for the longest time that there is something DEEPLY wrong with me!!because, I never knew of anyone else who felt like this!!

All the other ladies I have known who get pg again seem just thrilled as all get out.



This has beena whole new experiance for me, and it has taught me a lot about myself.


I did have plans!!!!!I wanted to let my son be the baby for quite a while longer, and I had no intention of weaning him or putting him into his own bed at ALL!!!

I wanted to loose weight this year, to work on my garden,to build fences around my chicken coop, to maybe take a class, to get my son into a really good local preschool......

I bought myself a new bicycle for Christmas/birthday..and now it sits in my garage..never used. I have been too damned sick to even put air in the tires..much less take my sons seat off the old bike and put it on this new one.

I had looked forward to getting into better physical shape so much!!! I am not hugely obese,but I am heavier than I am comfortable with, and I wanted to be stronger and have better muscle tone. I had thought of taking a ballet class just for the bar exersizes.

Now I am tired and sore all the time.I can barely get my housework done.The naseau and etc are MUCH easier with this pg..but I still feel off.I do the best I can , and then I just rest.

My son KNOWS something is up, and he has begun sometimes to act up a little.At least once a week,,I will have a bad day, which of course leads him to have a bad day too.

I told my husband about some of my dreams, and he really made me feel better by saying " oh yeah, thats because we all know what a bad mother you are,". For some reason this made me laugh and realise that they are JUST dreams, and not an indication of how I am going to really be.

I just really want to thank you all for your heartfelt responses. I feel so much better about all of my mixed up emotions. For the longest time I have felt like they were a total mes..but now I see that others have been Here and felt similar things, and that it will all be ok.


Thank you all so much!!!
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#10 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 04:47 PM
 
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Moving this to the "i'm pregnant'' forum for ya!
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#11 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 04:48 PM
 
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Just wanted to give you a
Chelly
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#12 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 06:33 PM
 
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Surprises aren't always happy ones. It'll take some time to adjust, but you will adjust.

Two things:

Don't think you have to do anything other than what you had planned. It's probably better for now that you just keep doing what you've been doing. Co-sleep, nurse, work on projects you had going. There's no reason you can't do the things you want to do. (I've said it a thousand times this pregnancy, "I'm pregnant, not dying.")

Once these feelings have passed, don't regret them for even one second. Your response was natural and you were honest with yourself. We can't control how we feel, necessarily, but we can control what we do about those feelings.

I think you'll be just fine. Take this like anything else shocking - one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
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#13 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 06:54 PM
 
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as for being healthy maybe enroll in a pregnancy yoga class..

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#14 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 06:55 PM
 
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hello, i don't anything is wrong with you, i too hated idea of second child, i became pregnant in july, with new partner, already have two year old, and did nnot want to commit like that to new partner, i am in custody court overseas with my previous partner blablablb. anyway, i had appointment for abortion made and was sure that was good thing, then things came together, i decided to keep baby at 8 weeks along. i too, had ceasarian with first child and it brought up many fears, i have home birth planned, i am not telling family! keeping it a secret which i can do oversease.
anyway, i aslo felt rushed to get my first girl in her own room and so on, but i have relaxed and letting things happen and am falling in love with baby in my belly very quickly, it is nicer second time around, hang in there! give yourself time. i don't have much enlightening words but i sympathise and give you love, tara
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#15 of 20 Old 01-19-2003, 09:07 PM
 
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There's no reason on earth that you should be feeling happy or thrilled about being pregnant with a baby you don't want. Your reaction sounds completely normal; don't beat yourself up about it or feel ashamed for secretly hoping for a miscarriage. This is a situation that you didn't plan, didn't want, and if you decide to go through with the pregnancy, is going to take a lot of mental adjustment. I know it would for me! Give yourself time to work through it all, don't try to make yourself feel what you think you "should" be feeling, but just to go with what you are actually experiencing. Good wishes to you in this stressful time!
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#16 of 20 Old 01-20-2003, 01:55 AM
 
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I too planned my pregnancy and freaked out the WHOLE time I was pregnant. I was sour, and unhappy and felt terrible.

Now everything is fine, but I wonder in retrospect if I was depressed.

I really hope you feel better and I don't think it is neccesary to be happy because new children bring so many changes.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to with you first either. I think women nurse through pregnancy. And maybe DS can sleep in his own bed in your room. Well, just trying to come up with creative alternatives.

I wish I could give you a real live hug.
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#17 of 20 Old 01-20-2003, 03:53 AM
 
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Don't yell at me, but maybe this is also hormonal (I always yell at DH when he says that to me ... ) ...

And your DS surely knows about it in his own way, because if he's still nursing, the taste of your milk changes early on. (We know that because my kids were pretty verbal early on and were able to tell me that during my pregnancies.) There's really no reason to wean him if you weren't intending to, though. There's going to be milk for months yet, doesn't turn to colostrum till closer to the end.

And keep him in the family bed if you like. Ours is up to 5, & we haven't gone nuts yet ...
Go easy on yourself. Your feelings may change again as your hormones do their pregnancy thing, too ...



- Amy
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#18 of 20 Old 01-21-2003, 02:26 PM
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We weren't planning to have any more (we have one dd). I've been sick of EVERYONE else but us being so excited about it. Grrr. I was barely satrting to accept it, and then found out the gender, and I'm back at square one. I selfishly believed that I should be getting the gender I want in consolation for having to go through all this. So I ask what's wrong with me too!

I echo, or have echoed many of your feelings! Do you know how far along you are? I am 18 weeks.
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#19 of 20 Old 01-22-2003, 10:58 AM
 
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Just wanted to say that i am in a very similar situation. I have a 2 yr. old ds, nursing, co-sleeping; had a horrible birth ending in c-section and separation to different hospitals. Also my ds never slept - for 6 months he just cried - he had food allergies. He still doesn't sleep, i have been sleep deprived for over 2 years.

Anyway - the thought of another possible c-section or horrific vbac, sleep deprivation, and trying to take care of a newborn and a toddler is overwhelming to me. I just worry so much about my ds. We have such a great relationship now - i can't imagine doing anything to jeopardize that.

Also, my familiy are definitely not supportive of anything - the pregnancy and certainly not a vbac - after my mother apologized to me for "yelling" at me for being pregnant then next thing she said was - " I hope your planning to just plan for a scheduled c-section". Gee - that really made me feel more confident about this preganancy.

And then there is the weight, body image issue....I too was just about to begin trying to get into shape. I just bought a trampoline and began yoga again. I never lost the weight from ds1 but was just begining to start dropping some of it.

I just wanted to share with you to let you know you are not alone. Your post has helped me feel better about my negative feelings too.
Thanx
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#20 of 20 Old 01-22-2003, 02:27 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by chellemarie

Once these feelings have passed, don't regret them for even one second. Your response was natural and you were honest with yourself. We can't control how we feel, necessarily, but we can control what we do about those feelings.

I wholeheartedly agree with this! I was miserable twice, once while I was pg and then afterwards feeling guilty about how I felt. And it is annoying that everyone assumes that you should be happy. Then I got PPD and well, that is a long time to be miserable. Forgive yourself right now (well try anyway). Know that you are not the only one, and some people do understand. When people ask you if you are excited, just grimace and say you are too busy with DS to think about it.
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