Angry Dads-to-be...or Over Sensitive Pregnant Moms? (crosspost) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 04-14-2006, 07:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm cross posting this in Dads as well.

First, let me start by saying that we have EXTREMELY thin walls in our townhomes. I can hear neighbors clanging their wine glasses (almost)--well I can ALWAYS tell what TV channel they are watching. We all know to keep our voices down while arguing since we don't necessarily want everyone to know what our personal business is.
Having said all that...I just 'witnessed' an argument with my dear neighbors.
She is pregnant (as am I) and in those early months when she is sick all the time...and she is still working full time--extremely tired etc.
He works full time and I am sure he is doing his best to 'help' her. They were arguing pretty loudly (ok, SHOUTING) and I'm sure they (or she) will be over here soon to talk or appologize for yelling etc. I'm wondering how to help her.
I know that my dear friend is upset that he doesn't care, because he isn't helping her enough or letting her feel loved etc--he isn't returning her many calls during the day etc. This is what I think of as pretty common new pg stuff...she feels sick, is overworked/overtired, thinks she is doing this whole 'baby thing' all by herself...all in all, her feelings are hurt.
He on the other hand is probably doing what he normally would, but with her pg hormones he is probably thinking this is PMSx10! (or x100!!)
Anyways. I don't want to be a medling neighbor...I know she will talk to me about it...so, what do I say...what do men feel like with baby #1? My hubby was deployed during the beginning of my 1st pg--and now we've been married a long time and so he just 'knows' how to deal with me or love me to 'calm me down' when stressed...but I'm not sure his ways would help them...
I really care about these people so I would like to say the right thing to have the 'lightbulb' go off so they can get back to the HAPPY part of pregnancy!
Any ideas?
Thanks for any help!!!!!
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#2 of 3 Old 04-14-2006, 07:44 PM
 
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I think it really helped DH when I sat with him - at a light, happy moment - and explained that:
1 - I know I'm difficult right now
2 - I feel really miserable and tired and totally out of control of my body & my life
3 - I feel guilty when I'm mean or short-tempered, but sometimes I don't even realize it until well past
4 - I NEED you to be extra patient, caring, affectionate and sweet with me
5 - I NEED to feel like you're involved in this process, and your extra consideration and patience is the best way to remind me that you care

Basically, we had a conversation about this being a difficult time for us and how much better off we'd be if we leaned on each other instead of sniping at each other.

It seemed to help.
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#3 of 3 Old 04-16-2006, 03:10 PM
 
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With my first my dh was clueless. I had miserable morning sickness and had to be medicated to stay out of the hospital. Thankfully, my dh shares in the household duties, but he just didn't understand how the pregnancy affected me. He could go days without even thinking about it, but for me it was so real every minute of every day because physically it affected everything I did. Frankly, I don't think that there is any way for a dh to really understand the depth of what a pregnant woman goes through. How could he??? I think we can try to explain to them until the cows come home what we are going through and how we are feeling, but since they don't deal with it on a day to day basis, it remains a real mystery to them.

For my dh, having an u/s at 20 weeks helped make it more real for him. Also, when he felt the baby move, but even with our fourth pregnancy, that sort of creeps him out.

To be honest, I remember being on my honeymoon and talking to a girl that was about 11 weeks pregnant. She was complaining about how tired she was and dh and I would laugh at her later. Jeez, she was only 11 weeks pregnant, how tired could she possibly be??? It wasn't like she was lugging around a huge belly. Then I got pregnant with my first and felt so bad for how dh and I had made fun of her. Until you've done it, you have no idea -- even if you are a woman.

I'd just try to be her sounding board. Let her vent to you if her dh isn't being supportive. Sometimes just having someone who understands makes a world of difference.
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