Need some advice re:telling family.... (long semi rant) - Mothering Forums
I'm Pregnant > Need some advice re:telling family.... (long semi rant)
StarMama's Avatar StarMama 05:37 AM 02-27-2003
Ok I really need to hear from others about what they would be doing in my situation. I told one brother (of 3 that I have contact with) about my pregnancy, and his mom (diff moms for my brothers)... I told him I was going to call the other brothers in a few days. Didn't get around to it, because I was dealing with some negative draining issues and just couldn't get myself out of this funk to share happy news. So someone told one of my brothers. I'm sure they thought I already told him, and I don't blame whomever told him, I'm *sure* its just a silly misunderstanding.

Here is the email I recieve from my brother (edited for language, not edited for his grammer and spelling)

"how come you didnot email me about your getting knocked up .yes it sucks that you dont like me enough tolet me no. f*ck it this is good news and i am happy for you to. when are you due if you dont mind telling me love ****"

I was terribly upset at how he responded to me. "Knocked up" bugged me, and guilt tripping me over the whole situation. I responded by explaining why I hadn't called, that of course I loved him, and it was just a misunderstanding. No response, but then again I didn't really expect one...

So my question is, do I call my 3rd brother to tell him the news? I KNOW he knows by now (my brothers are close, and if they talked to one of the other brothers they talked to both). But I feel like I shouldn't have to call about happy news appologetically (like sorry I didn't call)... but I also don't want them to not know WHY I didn't call. So I'm wondering when I do call *how* I should approach it. Again I'm not mad at whoever spilled the beans, it was just a misunderstanding. I'm just so stressed and unhappy about this. Mostly of course because of the writer of above email. I know the last brother I have to call won't guilt trip me, but he may be upset I didn't call him.

Help? Or just some support would be nice. Thanks for listening to me this whole time!

Kirsten's Avatar Kirsten 06:15 AM 02-27-2003
Bummer. Just an unfortunate incident. I think you should call your third brother and talk to him directly. I would also call brother #2 to apologize for not calling. That is cool that you are not mad about first brother telling - I am sure after a few days he assumed everyone had been told. Language choices in the email was not the best but he was probably hurt.
That is the trouble with telling people - it always seems to get around to others whom you mean to tell but haven't yet. Especially with pregnancy, I think once you tell one person, you'd better get busy telling everyone as good news like this does seem to travel fast!
Congratulations on your new baby to be!
StarMama's Avatar StarMama 06:25 AM 02-27-2003
Thanks Kirsten! I will be calling my 3rd brother soon... jusy don't know how to handle it....

I should mention that my brother who emailed me ALWAYS guilt trips me... he's not an easy person to deal with... so from knowing his character I think he was more into making me feel bad than him being hurt. In the past he has spoken to me about me not contacting him enough and it "hurt" him (long story, his wife HATES me for something I didn't do when I was 12). But when I did phone, email, and ask him if he wanted to get together (even offering to make the hour plus drive to see him, and deal with his wife who won't even say thank you for her christmas presents to me) he's blown me off. He confuses me terribly, and I suppose I just don't feel generous enough to be calling him and knowing he will be dealing out more guilt...
hmg7500's Avatar hmg7500 01:34 PM 02-27-2003
I had a similar situation, only wihtout the nasty words...

My Dad got remarried (my mom passed away many years ago) on December 28. We told my familt at the wedding that we were expecting, well everyone but my brother and sister-in-law because they didn't come to the wedding. On the 30th, we flew back from North Carolina to Denver, and were on a plane or in airports much of the day. Also on that day, my step mom sent an email to my brother and sister-in-law, wishing them a Merry Christmas, yadda yadda yadda and briefly mentioned that my parents would be flyinh to Denver in August for the birth and would like to have a long layover in Missouri (where my bro and sil live) so that they could see each other-- my bro and sil have never met our step mom. Anyway- on the 31st, I went to the hospital for Hyperemis Gravidarum and was on an IV for awhile. I got home late on the 1st and sent my brother an email telling him our good news. We got a very curt email back simply saying, "Congrats." I didn't know, but found out from a sister that he was "really hurt" that he found out from our step mom. Like I could have emailed from the airplane or the hospital... We don't have the best relationship, very different politics, very different family values, etc. I sent him another email saying that I was sorry for the way he found out, but that it was beyond my control.

My advice is to simply do that, apologize for the way he found out, not for not telling him right away. Explain if you have to about the circumstances that kept you from calling, but please don't apologize for it. This is a wonderful, beautiful time for you and you have the right to tell whoever you want, whenver you want. Don't let people guilt trip you into thinking you've done something wrong.

Good luck, mama.

XM's Avatar XM 10:01 PM 02-27-2003
That sucks. I would call B#3 and talk to him and not worry too much about B#2 as it sounds like you can do no right by him anyway.

Knocked up? Please! You and DH have been together long enough for that to be offensive to *me*. Also 'knocked up' infers lack of intention, and I know that you and DH were really putting an honest effort (and then some) into ttc! Hopefully B#3 will be so happy for you that it will more then make up for B#2's selfish attitude and laughably poor grammar and spelling. Really... if you're going to flame someone, use spell-check already!

LOL... we still have'nt told Mike's psycho family yet (and I am 30w 3d!)... and when we do tell them, if they give us any grief we will just point out that it is that kind of behavior and total lack of grace that kept them in the dark in the first place! IMO if people are more concerned about when or how they heard the good news then being happy about said good news they can... well, I won't say what I think they can do because then the mods would have to edit me, LOL, but I think you get my point!

LizD's Avatar LizD 10:15 PM 02-27-2003
Apologize appropriately and explain you never meant to hurt their feelings - without defending yourself, if possible, b/c to them that will sound as though you don't care- and if after the first few expressions of regret you stop apologizing, others will often start apologizing to *you.*Some people will manage to be offended no matter what you do, so let it go as best you can.
StarMama's Avatar StarMama 10:27 PM 02-27-2003
Thanks XM! Just curious are you gonna tell the psycho family pre baby? I'd do the same thing and keep it to myself in your shoes too...

I'm glad I'm not the only one seeing the 'knocked up' as terribly rude... I thought I might have been taking it too personally or something... The email I sent back to him was still upbeat, sent a copy of the ultrasound, just kinda made the whole big deal seem like a silly misunderstanding and went on my way. And thats how I'm gonna act around him when I see him next. To do anything else would just wreck havoc on my family.

Now I just really need to get up the nerve to call my 3rd brother before it just gets entirely TOO late to do so. I'm such a wimp at confrontation, even if its just imagined.
hahamommy's Avatar hahamommy 10:32 PM 02-27-2003

Man, I hate when my news gets stolen out from under me!! Can you try the *I was coming up with a clever way to tell you and someone beat me to it! I'm sorry you had to find out that way, I'm sure ***** thought I'd already shared the news... Man, isn't it cool, you're gonna be an uncle again!* Quickly change the subject to which relatives you *don't* want the baby to take after
My good friend was pregnant for the third time in three years, very distressed about it! Only told SIL because the pregnancy caused a change in visiting plans, told her specifically to keep it a secret! SIL's christmas letter began *So now we know what they do in Nebraska for fun: F*ck like minks and have a bunch of rugrats* and went on to poke fun at my friend's pregnancy ~ AND had the balls to send one to them!!! I don't think the SIL has been forgiven yet, and they've gone on and had two more babies since then!! So, you see, things could certainly be worse ... and there is nothing in the world to make you forget your troubles than a brand-new piece of your dna in your hands!! Call brother #3 first and brother #2 last on the birth day!! :LOL
XM's Avatar XM 10:56 PM 02-27-2003
Originally posted by hahamommy
Call brother #3 first and brother #2 last on the birth day!!
I think that is an excellent idea!

Well... everytime we think about *maybe* telling Mike's fam about this baby (they're the ones who behaved as if Xiola's death was a greater loss for Mike's mom then it was for us, her parents... understandably, we found this offensive) they go and do something even more psycho!

Like, we were thinking of telling them around Christmas, and then Mike's uncle flamed him in an email saying how Mike was, and I quote, "sh*tting on" his mother by not "being there" for her and appreciating how difficult Xiola's death was for her (um, SHE chose to move 3 hours away from us, we have no car, he calls weekly, and if she has nothing else going on in her life Mike really can't be held responsible for that)... so that's how we found out that she was badmouthing Mike to whoever would listen. It did a LOT of damage to their relationship and now he hardly ever calls, which she blames on me for 'controlling' him (she said this to him when I walked out on her because she was being disrespectful, oh that woman is a trip)... actually it is because he is disgusted with her, but I can understand that blaming me is easier for her then facing up to the fruits of her selfishness.

GRRRRR! We were talking about waiting till Spawn is here to tell them, but after just writing that (and trust me, that's the *abridged* version, lol!) I don't want to tell them EVER!!! I cannot have that kind of negative and selfish energy around me or my baby.

Whoa, sorry to jack your thread! back to the OP... B#2 sucks, ignore him and share your happy news with B#3. If B#3 wonders why you did'nt tell him sooner, things have just been crazy lately, mention how crappy you've been feeling with nausea... that should be explanation enough, lol.

StarMama's Avatar StarMama 11:25 PM 02-27-2003
Thanks Diane! I think we will do that! Mwahahaha

Wow yeah XM I'd NEVER want to tell them either! I've read bits and pieces about your crazy family in laws... but wow, thats just insane!!!
Viola's Avatar Viola 11:27 PM 02-27-2003
Great idea, Diana. People love to be the one to spill the beans and sometimes that can be very aggravating if they do it on purpose.

I can't believe people get this worked up about not knowing about a pregnancy. When I was pregnant the last time, I only told a friend and my niece at first, but then told them to keep it secret. Of course, they didn't. My niece immediately told my sister who didn't care that I hadn't told her. When I called up to tell the others, they pretended like they didn't already know.

Now some of my family members have asked if I am pregnant, and I actually told them no because I am not ready to share the news yet.
Peppamint's Avatar Peppamint 01:37 AM 02-28-2003
OMG! that is the bad thing about sharing good news, isn't it? Literally, all you can do is call everyone the same evening... just start dialing and don't stop until everyone knows! : thankfully, my family is pretty cool about it and most of them (that live out of town) received an email sent to everyone at the same time.

Hey- some people you can't please. So just share the news and let them get their head out of the butts on their own!

Enjoy your pg girl!
Bladestar5's Avatar Bladestar5 01:49 AM 02-28-2003
Don't feel bad. My mom let it slip to my older "perfect" sister with the first pregnancy, so I got a REALLY mad sister to talk to. Nobody was actually happy about it except me, dh, and mil, at least at first.
I decided to forwarn my sister that we were ttc with my 2nd.
Congrats on your pregnancy!!
hahamommy's Avatar hahamommy 02:24 PM 02-28-2003
I've been thinking about you
I think you should warn your family *now* that they won't be getting a call from you when the baby arrives. Set up a calling tree and have your friends (or trusted family member) take the burden of calling everyone and letting them know all the new baby info and assure them they are welcome to give *you* a call in a few days, but you need the first few days to just bond with your baby and enjoy your new-found family
Just an idea
Sarahlynn's Avatar Sarahlynn 03:26 PM 02-28-2003
Wow, what stories! I'm sorry for everyone who's had negative experiences telling friends and family, but thank you for sharing your experiences so that I can learn from them!

We're expecting in late October (first official pre-natal visit today, though we already had one visit and u/s when I was spotting.) and we've been trying to figure out how to tell everyone. We have no family nearby, so it will be hard to tell everyone: 2 sets of parents, 2 separate grandparents, and 4 siblings scattered all over the country. Plus all the aunts, uncles, cousins . . . Both of our sets of parents have been wanting to be grandparents for a while now, so everyone will be excited. My inlaws have already let us know that they'd be hurt if we waited until the end of the first trimester before telling them. My parents wouldn't be upset if we waited; they did, and they always talk about how important it is to have that private bonding time with your partner, etc.

Anyway, my SIL and her husband are coming to visit when we're 6 weeks along. I think we'll mail a little Grandparents inspirational sayings book and a card to my MIL and FIL with a note to wait and call us, then open the present while we're all on the phone. We'll arrange this so that we talk to them just before SIL and her husband get here. That way, they'll be told at basically the same time. Then MIL can tell her parents and sisters and nieces.

My parents are coming the next weekend (when I'm 7 weeks along, assuming everything continues to go well). I think we'll tell them in person, call my 2 sisters immediately, then my grandfather soon thereafter. As for my extended family, I'll post something on our website towards the end of the first trimester. Whew. It's amazing that it's so much work to try to figure out how to share our good news with the families without upsetting anyone!