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#1 of 26 Old 05-26-2006, 03:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Is anyone else having problems with family that is less than thrilled about your pregnancy? I have an older sister who does not yet have children and seems to be angry at me for being pregnant. She can't say anything to me without saying something nasty. I'm not sure how to cope with this. And I'm especially worried what will happen when the baby arrives.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this or have any advice?
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#2 of 26 Old 05-26-2006, 08:24 PM
 
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Your sister/family members are being very selfish. How is it your problem that she doesn't have any kids. That fact is that you are pregnant and soon will have a baby. When the baby gets here, she will fall in love with him/her. Don't worry about it and enjoy your pregnancy!
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#3 of 26 Old 05-28-2006, 01:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your response. That is what I'm trying to do, and it certainly is the rational thing. But my sister is not being too rational, and I can't help but worry she won't change even when her nephew arrives. But I suppose there's nothing to do but wait and see.
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#4 of 26 Old 05-28-2006, 01:40 AM
 
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None of my pregnancies were supported by my family. They've said some pretty mean things. I just tried to stay away from them as much as I could and surround myself with more positive people. My family loves my children and has never treated them badly, but it still hurts to remember some of the things that were said.
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#5 of 26 Old 05-30-2006, 04:05 PM
 
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Is it possible your sister is struggling with infertility and just hasn't said anything about it?

Seriously?
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#6 of 26 Old 05-30-2006, 04:42 PM
 
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(hugs) Sorry you are dealing with this! I'm having a lot of "resistance" to this pregnancy (my second) because a cousin is pregnant with her first and we are due within a few weeks of each other. Everyone seems to think that I got pregnant just to spite her!:
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#7 of 26 Old 06-04-2006, 01:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My sister's situation is more complicated than infertility. She's a lesbian and she and her partner haven't figured out yet how they are going to have a child. They haven't tried anything yet, so she has no idea if she's infertile or not. That's part of the jealousy -- that it's easier for me.
I'm so sorry to hear that other folks have unsupportive family. I can't understand why everyone isn't happy to welcome a new family member!
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#8 of 26 Old 06-05-2006, 11:09 AM
 
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Hugs to you!!

I sometimes try to remember that hurtful words said by other people have nothing to d o with me and everything to do with those people. When people say mean things and my ds4 hears, I say, "Those people aren't very happy in their hearts. That's why they're saying those things. But we know they aren't true."

I know that's easier said than done!!! Sending positive thoughts your way.

Beth
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#9 of 26 Old 06-16-2006, 10:59 PM
 
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It sounds like your sister is being very selfish and it is not your problem that it is easier for your to get pregnant!!
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#10 of 26 Old 06-17-2006, 07:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by c_something
It sounds like your sister is being very selfish and it is not your problem that it is easier for your to get pregnant!!

I agree there are many options for your sister and her partner, they just need to make up their minds and make a move.. You should not be troubled with her problem...:
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#11 of 26 Old 06-22-2006, 01:20 PM
 
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I am sorry that your sister seems so angry.Your news deserved a more positive reaction, but I think that your compassion towards her situation and the likely feelings she has is really important in making sure your relationship doesnt suffer further strain.
I can kind of identify with her feelings though, and can tell you that in hindsight, I am embarassed to have acted that way towards my own SIL.

For us it was that I wanted to TTC and DH still wasnt ready. His younger brother was in the Army, and when he got home from Iraq, he made an announcement (I" am going to knock her up") which I found offensive. At the same time my SIL had privately told me she wasnt ready to have kids, and wasnt feeling like she would ever want kids and then all the sudden, they get pregnant and call us while we are on vacation to tell us. I cried that whole night. I was angry and jealous that 1) they had beat us to it 2) they didnt seem to take getting into parenthood as seriously as I felt I would 3) my SIL didnt seem to want a baby, when I was dying for one.
It felt like a slap in the face --and I see now that I made it all about me -- their pregnancy news had just brought up a lot of the issues that DH and I felt unresolved about and it hurt that we were so unresolved. After a while, I tried to get more involved and be supportive -- and was lucky that my SIL let me participate a bit in her pregnancy (we went shopping together for maternity clothes) an gave me the benefit of the doubt. I really tried to be happy for them. When the baby was born, I again cried and felt very very jealous but then we went to meet/hold her and I fell in love with my niece.What I learned about myself and my own relationship during that time was that although it was hard to wait, it was the best choice for my own relationship (to postpone kids for a while and work out the commitment and other issues).

Someday, your Sister will probably come to that same conclusion. For now, she's probably just feeling left out and jealous and uncertain of her own future. That's her stuff though -- and she shouldnt put it on you!

Mama to Charlotte (2/14/07) and Julian (11/27/10) both born at home.
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#12 of 26 Old 06-26-2006, 05:37 AM
 
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When my SIL told her mother about being pregnant (their first! I'm an AUNT! ), her mother said "Oh god, but I already have 11 grandchildren!"

Oy.

I think she's pretty much come around, though, now that the kid is here (and named after her ).

Don't people know that the only appropriate response when informed of a wanted, welcomed pregnancy is some variation on an excited "Congratulations!"?
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#13 of 26 Old 06-30-2006, 05:06 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamama
My sister's situation is more complicated than infertility. She's a lesbian and she and her partner haven't figured out yet how they are going to have a child. They haven't tried anything yet, so she has no idea if she's infertile or not. That's part of the jealousy -- that it's easier for me.
So she's basically being mean to because you're heterosexual? Cute--not.

Tell her flat out that you don't like her being mean to you about this and tell her that you hope to be supportive of her and her partner when they have children.
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#14 of 26 Old 07-10-2006, 09:27 PM
 
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We only have a few family members that didn't seem to be that happy about it. Some said we should have waited longer. What kind of comment is that? It seems to me, that it is solely our decision whether or not we want to have a baby now or later.

Personally, my firm belief is that you should not criticize someone about something that has already occurred. It just does not make sense. If something has already occurred, it more than likely cannot be undone.. so why waste time and energy criticizing someone about it? Especially, if the people whom are being criticized actually wanted the occurrence to occur.

Sometimes, if you are perfectly happy with your current situation, people will criticize you merely because they are envious that their current situation isn't as good as yours. The best thing to do is to not let anyone bother you. If they cannot treat you with respect and kind words, then they should not speak at all.
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#15 of 26 Old 07-13-2006, 08:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heabrook
Sometimes, if you are perfectly happy with your current situation, people will criticize you merely because they are envious that their current situation isn't as good as yours. The best thing to do is to not let anyone bother you. If they cannot treat you with respect and kind words, then they should not speak at all.


Wish people like that could just be happy for others who are being blessed w/ good fortune.
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#16 of 26 Old 07-13-2006, 11:39 PM
 
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I've been the jealous SIL.

Not out of spite or anything....It's just hard when you are going through infertility and you hear mamas announcing their news! It's not that I wanted to be upset....it just happened!

Not being your sisters case though I don't know what to say.

If you can, maybe talk with her on general ground. Ask her her feelings and ask her if she wants to talk.
Maybe there is something else bothering her and she needs her sister!

Hugs mama!
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#17 of 26 Old 07-14-2006, 01:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the kind words. I'm so sorry to hear about all the other unsupportive family members out there! I can definitely feel for folks who have a hard time with jealousy because they want a child so badly. But I just don't understand it taking over to the point where that person drops away completely, which is what my sister has done. There's a lot of baggage about me being the younger sister and having a baby first, and also she has always thought I've been treated better by my parents (classic older sibling stuff, I guess). I just can't believe she would let such issues cut her off from her family. It seems so senseless. I really hope that once there is an actual baby to relate to that he will cause her heart to melt. But I just don't know. Anyway, thanks again for all the support!
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#18 of 26 Old 07-20-2006, 04:15 PM
 
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people can be pretty rude. just ignore it. it seems to be more her problem if she just can't decide how to have children. of course its going to be easiar for you to get pregnant

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#19 of 26 Old 07-20-2006, 05:15 PM
 
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I understand how you're feeling. I had my first baby when I was 19 and my sister was very unsupportive although it was understandable since I was very young at the time. My son is almost 4 years old now and she loves him more than anything. I'm still married to the same guy and we're now 7 wks pregnant with number 2. She is not thrilled at all and thinks I'm being irresponsible to be having another baby at this time. I know that she loves me and I try my best to understand her point of view. It's very hard, though. Right now we're in the process of relocating to Las Vegas. My husband has a good job and we're doing well. The one and only problem is that we're not completely stable yet, as in we haven't decided where to buy a house or anything like that as we have been living overseas for a few years. We're both very excited about the baby and to have my sister be so negative is just really upsetting for me. She even said that she won't allow herself to be directly involved in this matter in any way. It really hurts as I'm 23 and very responsible. I've raised my son very well and she knows it. I'm not really sure why she is the way she is when we've been so close ever since we were kids. I just wish that she could be as happy for me as my mom and friends are.
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#20 of 26 Old 07-26-2006, 02:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, Angela, sounds like our sisters should get together. Your experience with your sister sounds similar, though for different reasons. I'm 28 and this is my first, so my sister can't really claim I'm too young -- and she's not super forthcoming about her feelings, though it's clear that she's jealous. Let's hope that once each of our sisters sees their new tiny family member they won't be able to help being involved!
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#21 of 26 Old 08-09-2006, 02:01 PM
 
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i have to say that i have been the not so nice SIL, i announced we were expecting our first child at Christmas- after having kept it a secret for about a month, so it could be special. then SIL announces the next day she is expecting... i felt like she could have waited a bit. they already had the first grandchild.

she ended up delivering very early (28 weeks) and i am sitting overdue waiting for our little one. her baby shower is saturday, if i am still pg i will probably go, but i wouldn't if i had delivered the baby already, because hers is still in hospital. I guess i just wished she would have thought about how it would affect me more before she just announced it.
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#22 of 26 Old 08-29-2006, 08:40 PM
 
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Sorry you are going through this mamama

It took me a long time to get pg, and I was always a teeny bit sad when someone announced their pregnancy. I was always very careful to be kind and excited when the announcement was made, but I would then usually cry in the car on the way home...
Hopefully your family will become more excited as time goes on and the pregnancy/baby become more real to them.
Please don't think that you're doomed to continual negativity from them, if you continue to share your joy and excitement they could very well become supportive.

It still feels lousy right now though, huh?:
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#23 of 26 Old 08-31-2006, 11:10 AM
 
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When I called and told my grandma (who I am extremely close to) that we're expecting our 1st, she seemed thrilled at the beginning of the conversation, but her feeling soon shifted toward sadness for my infertile aunt. We spent probably over an hour talking about my aunt and her infertility issues and how every time someone else in the family finds out they're pregnant, she falls into a deep depression. I was being made to feel horribly guilty for our wonderful blessing. I don't think it was intentional, but I wish she would have stood back and thought for a moment before saying some of the things she did. She even talked about my aunt's 2 miscarriages after her IVF attempts. That's really not what a newly pregnant woman wants to hear - stories about early miscarriages. My grandma said that she dreaded the moment when she'd have to tell my aunt that I'm pregnant. Gee thanks, Grams.

I think she realized how inappropriate it was for her to bring all that stuff up during our conversation, because my mom said that at a recent family gathering my grandma and aunt were making a point to say how excited they are for me and my DH (I live really far away, so I miss all the family stuff) and did not act begrudgingly at all. From what my mom and sister have told me, my aunt acted very childish each time my sister was pregnant. It's just a shame.

My heart really does break for my aunt and all the pain she has gone through, but it's not fair that the rest of the family should have to be put through a guilt trip every time a new life is announced.
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#24 of 26 Old 09-20-2006, 12:32 AM
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I have gotten bad vibes and rude comments from every single person in my life, with the exception of DH. But, everyone has the same "reasoning"... they hate it that I married a man twice my age, and they have all been holding their breath and hoping that it was just a "phase" I was going through. Ugh. My mom has finally come around (when I was 4 months pregnant) but my father still refuses to acknoledge the fact that I am. He is "ashamed, embarrassed, and hopes that no one he knows see me". He has never, in almost 2 years, even laid eyes on my husband, just for the record.

The few other family members I have told have told me everything from "you are ruining your life" to "you are embarrassing this family" to "you are going to be a horrible mother". Same with "friends".

I have just stopped speaking to any of them. I don't need the negativity or the stress, and I certainly don't want these people around my baby since the possess such negative views of his father and narrow minds about everything else.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, too- I hate it that anyone has to go through it. I have certainly had my moments of pity for myself that everyone is so negative about the happiest time in my life. Its very depressing to think about, but even worse to actually hear comments from these people... just distance yourself from them- you own them nothing and they have no right to bring you down at this time in your life (or ever, for that matter).

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#25 of 26 Old 09-28-2006, 01:47 PM
 
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Mamama -
I know I'm late joining you, but was wondering how things are with your sister? I have a very similar situation - my sister is also a lesbian - but she recently ended a very long term relationship over the fact that she (my sis) wanted to have children and her partner didn't (not ever). Now - I am almost three months pregnant with my third - and I just can't bear the thought of telling her. She is one of my closest friends and I know she will be happy for me, but I also know it is going to cause her pain. I'm really troubled by this and just haven't been able to make the phone call yet.. I really hope things are working out for you and your sis now.

hugs!
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#26 of 26 Old 10-05-2006, 03:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for your kind words! Things have gotten a little bit better, but I'm still afraid it will never be the same between us. I'm due any day now. My sister and I are no longer in regular contact like we used to be. I've had minimal contact with her in the last few months and lately have not gotten any more hostility from her, which is an improvement. She has expressed a desire to come visit the baby (and thank goodness my mother lives nearby so she doesn't have to stay in my house). All I can do now is just wait and see how things go once he arrives. It's been very, very hard for me, but I've had to accept that she's not the sister I wish I had and I just have to let that go.
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