MIL wants to schedule a visit over my due date - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 19 Old 07-08-2006, 07:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
sprout 1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 556
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
First of all, I do not like my MIL. For many reasons I don't want to go into now or this post would be 10 pages long. She's a teacher at the U of Alaska and can only get away (this time of year) during a few weeks in august. So she decides that she wants to come on Aug. 12th, 2 days after my due date. Last time I went way overdue so I might still be pg then or giving birth then. I do NOT want her around when I'm 'overdue', laboring, or trying to establish a relationship with my new baby. We don't need the stress of a visitor, especially her.
DH is pulling this 'she's my mother, I want her here' even though they never talk on the phone, write, etc. and she's as helpful as a wet sock. We lived 5 min away from her when ds was born and she never lifted a finger to help with anything. She wouldn't come to help me when ds was 2wks old and I was in bed with a fever from mastitis and dh had to work. We did leave ds with her when he was 3 weeks old for 20mins to take a walk around the block (he was colicky and we needed some time just dh and me) and she fed him a popsicle!!!! WTF!!!!! aaargh.
Am I being unreasonable? Is it wrong of me to 'deprive' dh of his wanky mother? We've been living here for 2 years and she did visit once, but why choose NOW for the next visit? If I go overdue again it will be hell having her here... waiting... watching... and if I have a newborn it will suck having her here while I'm recovering and trying to establish nursing and ds1 is getting used to being a brother, etc. I want to be able to wear pajamas or no shirt and not take a shower if I don't want to without having to worry about her looking at me.
I just don't know how to tell her she can't come, and I don't want to get in a big fight with dh about it. He of course would say it's fine if I don't want her here, but he'd be really pissed about it. He has this issue that I'm trying to cut his mother out of the family... it's true I don't like her but come on! This is the only time of the year I would think about saying no to a visit. I don't know why it's so hard for them to understand. :
sprout 1 is offline  
#2 of 19 Old 07-08-2006, 07:27 PM
 
DigitalSuze's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NJ
Posts: 203
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't think you're wrong -- I wouldn't want my own parents to camp at my house right after I'd given birth, forget it! And I *like* them, LOL! If she doesn't make annual visits, then what's the big deal? I think the person who pushes the baby out gets to call the shots.

If I were in your position and willing to compromise, I'd say that she has to stay in a hotel and that dh must be present *at all times*.
DigitalSuze is offline  
#3 of 19 Old 07-08-2006, 07:33 PM
 
alegna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 44,408
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd just say NO!

-Angela
alegna is offline  
#4 of 19 Old 07-08-2006, 08:48 PM
 
Sweetiemommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 908
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You are having a baby for crying out loud. You are the priority - your husband should not be putting you in this position. Tell him that your due date is not an appropriate time for visitors.:

homebirthing organic mama to three crazy boys very blessed!!
Sweetiemommy is offline  
#5 of 19 Old 07-08-2006, 09:27 PM
 
meggles's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: SF Bay Area
Posts: 3,303
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You are being completely reasonable. We're not having any inlaws visit for at least a month, maybe much more, depending upon how we feel. Even then, they'll be staying in a hotel. You are the one giving birth, not your Dh. Your needs and wants come first, and, honestly, you're not asking for very much at all.

Happily parenting our snuggly wild child since 2007 and her little brother since 2011!

meggles is offline  
#6 of 19 Old 07-08-2006, 09:41 PM
 
phillychiquita's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 349
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldnt want my ILs coming for a visit around that time either. Be firm about your boundaries and make this about protecting yourself and your child from undue stress in the first few days of life.

I do think you have to be the one who says it to your mother in law, because your DH is in the middle (he shouldnt be, but many men do this) and no matter what he probably wont feel comfortable telling his mother a firm no -- he will compromise in some way or botch the message and she will end up coming, so I think it has to come from you, even if she then perceives you as a b****...or talks bad about you, we all know you arent one. You are right to refuse her at this time if you need to.


Here is what i would probably say --
Say "look MIL, I know you had your heart set on visiting this year, but as it gets closer I am being forced to re-evaluate everything I had planned for the month of August. I now know from my last birth experience how taxing the last days of pregnancy and first few days with the baby are going to be. Given that, I have decided that we are not taking any visitors (this makes it universal -- not about how you dont want her, and even if its a little white lie, its worth saving her feelings) during August, because we need that time for our small family to bond and adjust. Please understand that we arent trying to keep your grandchildren from you - we just can't have visitors this August, this close to my due date. DH and I would be happy to have you come at any other time after (insert month here), when we can all really visit with you and spend time with you. But August just wont work for us this year. I am sorry if it doesnt work out for your scheduling, but these things do happen and I thank you in advance for understanding. If you cant make some other later date work this year, then we'll have to just plan on it for next year or plan a visit to see you in Alaska when the new baby is ready to travel."

I would rehearse it a hundred times, then I would call her up, or write her an email (Assuming she uses email) and convey this kind of firm message. After you have said it to his mother, Copy your DH on it, or give him the printout of your script, and tell him it is a done deal -- then ask him to support your decision. That way, if she says anything to him he wont be blindsided or caught in the middle and he can just 'blame it' on you (which would probably be easier for him than confronting her and tellign her no you cant come). If she calls you and tries to argue it, just be a broken record and say, thanks for understanding that it is just not going to work to have you this August. At the very least, she will know where you stand. And even if you say all that...she may come anyway, but if you say all that, she may at least be aware enough to get a hotel room and stay out of your way.

Good luck!

Mama to Charlotte (2/14/07) and Julian (11/27/10) both born at home.
phillychiquita is offline  
#7 of 19 Old 07-08-2006, 09:52 PM
 
phoebemommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 1,081
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Someone posted this link a while back:
http://www.unhinderedliving.com/newfamilyguidance.html
It's a great article about the importance of leaving families alone after a baby comes. I don't know if you can send it to her, but it may give you fodder for discussion with your husband on ways to deal with her. The article's cool because it talks about how important it is for a new mother and baby to get to know each other without someone observing/critiquing all their mistakes.

I just noticed from your sig that you're going unassisted, too... sheesh, that makes it all the more important that you don't have an unwanted presence in the house! Maybe you could tell her about Michel Odent's ideas about how labor has problems when there are too many people around?
phoebemommy is offline  
#8 of 19 Old 07-09-2006, 12:33 AM
 
mamabear&babybear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Vermont
Posts: 1,329
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree with the pps. My MIL will not be invited to visit for probably the first 3 months. She is also stressful and her idea of helping would be holding the new baby. That way I could get other things done. Um, thanks but no thanks. I would be honest with your dh and let you MIL know that you don't want any visitors in August. There is nothing at all wrong with that!!
mamabear&babybear is offline  
#9 of 19 Old 07-09-2006, 03:12 AM
 
huggerwocky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 5,544
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Your husband is unreasonable, extremly I might say. I disinvited my mom also when she wanted to come around my due date...no thanks!
huggerwocky is offline  
#10 of 19 Old 07-09-2006, 11:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
sprout 1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 556
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
thank you! Ok now I feel better. She just wrote me an email about her trip so it's the perfect opportunity for me to say no. I would love to go visit up there but her husband is an abusive lunatic and it's too expensive (not to mention a whole entire day of travel) to get up there. I think she could do something to get off at a better time, I mean she has come up with weeks when her parents needed her in Seattle, but that was more health-related so I don't know.
DH did kinda botch the message already by telling her she couldn't come before the baby is born... we had talked about how difficult it would be to have her here especially with planning an unassisted birth. We've been seeing a UC friendly midwife for prenatals and most people we know just think she's going to be at the birth. I don't want to have to 'hide' our plans or deal with what will happen if MIL finds out about them! But I would rather have had her here early this month or any other time in the summer than right at the end/beginning. Oh well it's too late for that. Here I go to break the news.
Thanks for that link, I'm going to ask DH to read it. He just has his head up his you-know sometimes and is just thinking about how much he misses his mom. Maybe we can plan everyone getting to seattle for x-mas or something. But no August!!
sprout 1 is offline  
#11 of 19 Old 07-09-2006, 12:23 PM
 
time4another's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Between Here and There
Posts: 690
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
: I had to tell my own *mother* 5 TIMES that she couldn't come visit me here & I wouldn't be visiting my sister's (an hour to two hours away) in September! She kept asking and asking in different ways too, and each time she asked the firmer I got, until I just said "NO, its not going to happen!".

It was no fun at all but I did it and I still feel guilty as heck...but that's the way my mother is and she'll never understand...

Heather
time4another is offline  
#12 of 19 Old 07-10-2006, 12:36 AM
 
WinterBaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 885
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
My inlaws came around for a visit the time of my daughter's birth. I made it clear that we could not house them, which they were dandy with, and that gave me the space I needed. But that was sufficient for me because I have no qualms about notifying people when their welcome in my house for a visit is worn out, lol. (I dislike my MIL and in the past have walked out on her unreasonableness and tell her to stop talking when someone clearly needs to. Inexplicably she seems to like me fine, ha.) I made it clear I could not entertain them in anyway, they did their own touristy things. They never bothered us during our birth, visits were brief, and mostly while I was sleeping in the days after, and I let dh have a couple afternoons to do things with his dad. While they were of no assistance, they also weren't as terribly burdensome as I had feared, either. If your dh feels strongly is there a compromise you can make over the timing of the visit, or what the visit actually entails that can make it liveable for you? If not, yeah, I'd tell her AND dh straight out what the problems are, and expect them to negotiate some other arrangement. And I don't think it's too late to tell her you and dh miscommunicated, that you would rather her visit occur BEFORE the birth. Lets her know you're still interested in having her, I think.
WinterBaby is offline  
#13 of 19 Old 07-10-2006, 03:19 AM
 
blastomom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 896
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hmmm, how about posting another thread, but leaving out the "I can't stand my MIL" part and then letting hubby read all of our very insightfull responses? If he reads from everyone else how a woman feels just before/during/right after the birth of a child maybe he will understand your point better. Or, you can always search previous threads on the same topic. Best of luck, I am so with you on this one!
blastomom is offline  
#14 of 19 Old 07-10-2006, 11:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
sprout 1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 556
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well I emailed her yesterday and she called immediately... only talked to dh, not to me odd because we usually both have to talk. But anyway, she's not coming. She had "forgotten" that my due date is the 10th and when dh told her it just wouldn't work she was completely fine with it. DH acted a little miffed at me "well you got your way, she's not coming." but it'll all blow over. Thanks everyone for your support
sprout 1 is offline  
#15 of 19 Old 07-10-2006, 01:54 PM
 
pageta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 2,699
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Good for you!

Tana, wife to Steve (5/02), mom to Ben (7/03), Joey (10/06) and Caroline (9/09)
pageta is offline  
#16 of 19 Old 07-10-2006, 02:00 PM
 
Mama Poot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Youngstown OH-Gotta Live Somewhere!
Posts: 6,166
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ask DH if he REALLY wants to be dealing with a newly delivered, hormonal, exhausted wife who has the ability to go from zero to bitch the second her MIL walks in the door. I would make life positively unlivable if my husband dared to put me in that kind of situation. This is obviously upsetting to you, and maybe you also need to ask your husband why he wouldn't want you to be comfortable and happy during this important time? MIL can wait. This is the birth of YOUR baby.
Mama Poot is offline  
#17 of 19 Old 07-10-2006, 02:23 PM
 
~Megan~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Oregon
Posts: 15,310
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You are not wrong. Explain to your dh exactly what you told us. She should not be staying at your house then.

If she wants to come to your town, that's fine. They can get a hotel and you will meet them for lunch each day (or some other short visit).

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
~Megan~ is offline  
#18 of 19 Old 07-10-2006, 09:02 PM
 
heabrook's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Colorado
Posts: 147
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd just say no too. I hope that issue doesn't come up with my MIL. This is my first pregnancy and I don't see why my wishes should not be respected. I don't want any visitors near or directly after my due date. I just want it to be quiet, stress-free with my husband and my kitties.
heabrook is offline  
#19 of 19 Old 07-10-2006, 09:48 PM
 
Kirsten's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Washington state
Posts: 5,463
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You were 100% right. I'm glad it is working out the way it should.
Kirsten is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off