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#1 of 6 Old 12-23-2006, 04:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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... but kind of excited, too.

i have an 18-month-old daughter. i got pregnant again when she was 14 months old, but i had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. it was an impossibly sad thing to go through, but after i grieved i found i was a little relieved because i had been TERRIFIED for those 8 weeks at the prospect of having two children so close together.

well, i think i'm pregnant again. now micah will be 2 years and 5 months (approx.) when our second baby arrives (if i am indeed preggo).

all moms who've nursed throughout a pregnancy, tandem nursed a toddler and an infant, co-slept with a toddler and an infant, made it through day to day life with a toddler and an infant... please talk to me. i'm not quite as terrified this time around, but i am anxious and kind of frazzled.

also in the back of my mind is the fear that i will lose this baby as well. i don't want to go through that again. i didn't want to go through it the first time. i have tremendous feelings of guilt and shame for feeling relieved that my second pregnancy did not continue. if i am pregnant again, i want to enjoy it and not feel scared and unsure about the future the whole time. i want to feel relaxed and empowered and confident in my ability to mother two young children the way i want to, the way they need me to.

i recently visited with a friend and her 3-month-old son, and my daughter was totally over the moon about him. she hugged him oh-so-gently, kissed his feet, and said "baby boy!" with a huge grin for the next week anytime she thought about him. she was perfectly fine with me holding him. i hope that was some indication of how she'd be with a new sibling...

sigh. okay, i'm starting to ramble and babble, so i'll end this here. thanks for reading.
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#2 of 6 Old 12-23-2006, 04:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by moonpie's_mama View Post
i have tremendous feelings of guilt and shame for feeling relieved that my second pregnancy did not continue.
let go of the guilt! viewing a loss from all angles is an acceptable & healthy way of dealing with grief. it sounds like you let yourself mourn & then allowed yourself to look at in from a different angle. i was in your same situation about 10 months ago....pregnant with two toddlers, 3 & 1.5. we were also packing to move. the pregnancy loss was devastating, to say the least (i found out at 11 weeks via u/s because i was bleeding....no heartbeat) but after we settled into our new home & i began working on establishing a new life, i started feeling so relieved that i wasn't pregnant! (my children would've been 19 months & then 20 months apart).

i'm pregnant again, due in may, and this scenario seems much more do-able. when september came & went (i was due sept. 18) i actually felt more relief that i didn't have an infant! it would've been a terrible time for a family addition, for many more reasons than one, and now we're left with only excitement about may!!!

i'm going on & on, but please don't beat yourself up, ok? we, as women, have way too much guilt on so many levels.

two kiddos is great fun! IMHO, #1 was much harder. with a first child, our entire lives change but with #2, everything is already so child-centered that life continues on. i must say, though, that i only co-slept for 1 yr with each of mine & i didn't tandem nurse. but....if my hubby would've agreed to the co-sleeping we probably would've because i think it seems easier.

your house will have twice the energy & noise & activity and 10x the love!

stephanie asl.gif

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#3 of 6 Old 12-23-2006, 05:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by moonpie's_mama View Post
all moms who've nursed throughout a pregnancy, tandem nursed a toddler and an infant, co-slept with a toddler and an infant, made it through day to day life with a toddler and an infant... please talk to me. i'm not quite as terrified this time around, but i am anxious and kind of frazzled.
:

I had my 2nd child when my 1st was not quite a year old. I nursed through the pregnancy although I did have to supplement with formula. (He was not eating solids when I got pregnant.) After #2 was born, I coslept and tandem nursed. I found a way to get comfy while laying down in bed with a couple pillows, and one baby in the crook of each arm. We have a queen-sized bed, so it got a little snug sometimes. I worried that one of the babies would fall out of bed, so we pushed it flush against the wall. I slept against the wall, DH slept on the outside, and the kids slept between us (the youngest closer to me because she needed to nurse more often).

Making it through the day was tough at first as I tried to ration my time equally between the kids. Once I figured out that they didn't *need* me equally, it got easier. My son was very clingy at night and independant during the day, and my daughter was the other way around, and realizing that also helped me balance my time. Every once in a while I would try to put my daughter on the floor, thinking I was holding my son, and then I'd suddenly realize that she couldn't sit up or walk yet.

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also in the back of my mind is the fear that i will lose this baby as well. i don't want to go through that again. i didn't want to go through it the first time. i have tremendous feelings of guilt and shame for feeling relieved that my second pregnancy did not continue.
I think those feelings are perfectly natural and normal for you to have. During my third pregnancy, I was *constantly* worried about something going wrong. I don't know if it was because of the cr@ppy doctor who "delivered" my second baby, or if the feelings were completely unfounded, but I was constantly having to purposefully block frightening thoughts out of my mind. Learning that other moms-to-be had similar thoughts was helpful to me, because I was starting to feel really guilty about the things that were popping into my head.

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Originally Posted by moonpie's_mama View Post
i want to feel relaxed and empowered and confident in my ability to mother two young children the way i want to, the way they need me to.
The confidence will come. It might take a while, and it might be a weak confidence, but just keep remembering that you CAN and WILL get through this. Now that my almost-twins are about to turn 3 and 4, I look back and realize that I worried way too much. They're just fine. They show absolutely no signs of knowing how frustrated I became sometimes when I didn't think there was enough of me to go around. They play so nicely together, and even though they have those normal sibling arguments every now and then, they are each others' greatest advocates. It's very nice to see them grow together like this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by moonpie's_mama View Post
i recently visited with a friend and her 3-month-old son, and my daughter was totally over the moon about him. she hugged him oh-so-gently, kissed his feet, and said "baby boy!" with a huge grin for the next week anytime she thought about him. she was perfectly fine with me holding him. i hope that was some indication of how she'd be with a new sibling...
My 2nd child was 2 years old when my 3rd was born. When I was pregnant, she LOVED babies. She got so happy when she saw them, always wanted to cuddle with them, and was so thrilled when a mother let my daughter touch her baby. She was, like your daughter, completely over the moon.

When #3 was born, #2 was EXTREMELY jealous. She was not herself at all. My MIL took the older kids to the playground and my sweet, delicate little girl was physically pushing other older kids around, snapping at people, and being grouchy in general. As you can see from our First Family Photo after the baby was here, my daughter was NOT pleased in the least. However, after three or four days, she completely turned around and was back to her usual self. She ADORED her sister and still does. She touches her so gently, sings to her, kisses her nicely on the forehead, and loves to lay with her in bed. She tells me all the time, "I love my cute baby sister!" She just needed a few days to adjust, and your daughter might, too. I think it helped her to have some time away; she enjoyed spending time with her grandma in the mornings and getting away from all the weirdness of a new baby.

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#4 of 6 Old 12-24-2006, 01:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by moonpie's_mama View Post
... but kind of excited, too.

i have an 18-month-old daughter. i got pregnant again when she was 14 months old, but i had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. it was an impossibly sad thing to go through, but after i grieved i found i was a little relieved because i had been TERRIFIED for those 8 weeks at the prospect of having two children so close together.

well, i think i'm pregnant again. now micah will be 2 years and 5 months (approx.) when our second baby arrives (if i am indeed preggo).
I just had to jump in and say wow, we must be karmically linked or something!

My little guy is 21 months old. I had a surprise ectopic removed when he was 14 months. I didn't grieve the way I might have for a known pregnancy, but it was still weird and unsettling.

So now I'm pregnant with #2, which is a huge surprise because I was on the pill (sigh). I really didn't want another kid this early. But anyway, this one is due to come when my son is 2 years 5 months. And I'm freaking out because I don't know what I'm going to do with an active toddler and a newborn at the same time. I hope someone has lots of good advice for this thread!
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#5 of 6 Old 12-30-2006, 03:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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mmmm, well, i started bleeding on christmas day... so, not pregnant. i am relieved. my husband was a little sad, but i don't really think he grasps what it would be like for me to have two little ones so close in age. maybe i don't really grasp it either... at any rate, i am not pregnant, so i, once again, have another chance to make it all the way until dd1 is 3 and a half before we start trying to have another baby - which has been the plan all along!

thanks to those who posted. i think you're all right - i can and will get through anything, and i've decided to let go of the guilt i feel about losing my second baby. it feels so weird typing that. i never knew him (i feel sooo strongly it was a him, even though it was only 8 weeks). i've been wanting to look up a picture of an 8-week-old fetus, because i don't remember what they look like at that point... but i'm scared of how sad it will make me feel.

ahhh, i'm babbling. just wanted to give an update, and say thanks for the words of wisdom and support.
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#6 of 6 Old 12-30-2006, 04:10 PM
 
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My sons are 2yr and 11 months apart. While it was a little tough taking care of a newborn and still trying to be a good mom to my very active toddler I would not have changed it at all. They are each other's best friends, they never want to be apart and my second ds just idolizes his big brother. It's really not at bad as some people make it out to be, infact before I had our ds #3 just 5 months ago I actually had a lot of free time for myself because the other two kept each other so occupied.

Atara wife to Joseph mom to Kaleb and Jacob : Caeden Ashlyn : and our angel baby ,:,
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