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#1 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 02:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have insurance (we are military) but there just aren't any hospitals/clinics near by (within an hour and a half drive) Im 17 & a half weeks now and Ive been to the hospital/clinic 3 times total. Once was "orientation" where I didnt actually see anyone. I just got to sit in a room with tons of other women and listen to the ins and outs of Bethesda naval hosptial then get my blood/pee taken. Second time they wanted to do the pap/"looksie" test but I declined (I have just had a pap the month before I got pregnant) and the third time I saw a different civilian doctor about 45 mintues away. He tryed to bully me into getting a pelvic exam so I won't be going back there. He was my only chance at getting local care. So Im stuck with a problem. Either drive almost 2 hours up the road to Bethesda or I dont see a doctor. & what about when it comes time to deliever? My husband has already said he does not want to have the baby at home but I dont know. Couldnt I just hide my labor until its too late and we have to have the baby at home? Im pretty confused and kinda depressed at the moment :
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#2 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 03:08 AM
 
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Sorry you are so far away from a good OB. I only went to the dotor three times while I was pregnant and everything went well for us but I had a MW who would answer my questions and concerns.
I don't think you should wait until the last minute to tell your husband the baby is coming. You still have plenty of time to discuss where to have the baby and convince him that home would be best but springing it on him at the last min could make him upset.
Take your time to figure things out and look around for a doctor you may have skipped over, try to fnd a MW if possible and if you have to go back to the doc you don't like just be strict about what you want.
Good luck
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#3 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 04:34 AM
 
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Check out this thread for doing your own prenatal care.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=557447

Also, there are several good midwives who do homebirths in MD. I'd recommend having a consultation with whichever ones will come to your area so your dh can meet them. Come to the MD Finding Your Tribe board and people can give your their contact info.

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#4 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 05:33 AM
 
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No suggestions just lots of virtual hugs!
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#5 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 11:37 AM
 
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My homebirth midwife is about 1000 miles away (coming here at the very end of my prenancy, for the birth) and I refuse to see a doctor or CNM here in town. I will not be part of their absolutely insane medical model. I bought some glucose/protein/nitrate urine sticks online, I test my bp at the grocery store when I remember, and I did see a midwife several hours away to get a requisition for an u/s.

I think hiding your labor is a really bad plan. Women who UC do it based on trusting their bodies to birth babies, not to avoid doctors -- and you definitely shouldn't hide the idea from your dh! Where would you hide your birthing supplies?!?!?!?

I told my dh we're having a hb. I'm carrying the baby, I'm birthing the baby, my choice. I found a hb mw that I like.

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#6 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 02:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I cant afford to pay a mw out of pocket so that idea is really a no go

As for "birthing supplies" I dont really think thats necessary. Women give birth in the jungles all by themselves. Why cant I?
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#7 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 02:49 PM
 
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I think a visit to the UC board would be helpful for you and your dp.

My hubby is a big medical model, listen to the docs person and getting him to see that homebirths are safe was alot of work. Keep talking...he will come around.

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#8 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 02:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by SuperMoM2GTO View Post
I cant afford to pay a mw out of pocket so that idea is really a no go

As for "birthing supplies" I dont really think thats necessary. Women give birth in the jungles all by themselves. Why cant I?
I think you need to do whatever you think is best but I don't agree that you should hide this from your dh. He IS the father of the baby and has a right to know what you plan on doing with the birth of his child, as well. I just don't see that as being fair to him. I understand that you're carrying the baby but he IS half responsible for the outcome and upbringing of your child. He made the baby WITH you, you didn't do this all by yourself. If my partner did something like that, I don't know that I could ever trust dp again. Just my opinion.
I wish you peace and luck in whatever decision you make for your family!!!
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#9 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 04:55 PM
 
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I have insurance (we are military) but there just aren't any hospitals/clinics near by (within an hour and a half drive) Im 17 & a half weeks now and Ive been to the hospital/clinic 3 times total. :
We are military too. He'll be in Iraq when this one comes. Tri-care will pay for a homebirth MW, so I think I'll hire one. If anything comes up, or I just want to, I can see an OB at any time, but I am not eager to do that because of past trauma.

The birth scene is a lot better here than where my other three were born. I have a lot of options that I'm comfortable with. Last time I UC'd (which was wonderful), but had hospital births with my first two. For the UC, I had backup plans with a CNM who only does hospital births. She saw me for prenatal stuff as needed, and was wonderful but couldn't attend me at home. I really didn't want someone to attend me at home, so it was happy all around. I might do that again, but this MW seems right this time, for some reason, but not because I have any regrets about the UC.

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#10 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 05:35 PM
 
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I agree with the PPs, don't hide anything from DH (you might not need to give him the blow by blow of your research though). You still have plenty of time to figure out alternate solutions. If you can find a MW, perhaps you can use her at a hospital as a compromise with DH. I'm doing that, but I happen to be using a small but very progressive hospital. I'm having my birth my way & my MWs will see to that.

I have had one internal b/c I was due for a Pap Smear & that particular MW (who I dumped for numerous reasons) was big on internals anyway. It's your right to refuse anything. I like going for my regular MW check-ups though; if you can do it yourself go for it. All they really do if chat with me. Plus they check baby's heart rate, measure my uterus, check BP, weight & urine for protein & sugar. My advice: Keep up with exercise, pre-natal vitamins & diet (at least 60grams protein daily & lots of fruits & veggies) until you find a solution.

Good luck!

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#11 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 05:45 PM
 
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[QUOTE=SuperMoM2GTO;8343488]I cant afford to pay a mw out of pocket so that idea is really a no go

QUOTE]

Tri-Care pays for homebirth MWs. The revamped the program recently and made a lot more options for people.

As far as why you couldn't UC, I have no idea why you couldn't. I think it could do a lot of damage to your relationship to hide your plans. On the other hand, you are so far from the hospital you may not be able to get there in time, especially if you try to labor at home for a while (which is usually recommended for safety).

Mine will be deployed. He knows that I won't birth in the hospital again unless there is a horrible catastrophe. He's going to be in Iraq, so I don't have to worry about him getting cold feet. This will be his first, my fourth.

PM me if you want to chat about UC. I did it last time, and loved it.

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#12 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 09:10 PM
 
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Yeah - Tricare will pay for homebirth midwives. They have to be CNMs but some lay midwives bill through a medical billing place so you can work it out (the bill comes from a medical billin agency so insurance doesn't know exactly who they are reimbursing).

My homebirth midwives attend Tricare patients. They are not in network but they do participate in Tricare so they have patients with both Standard and Prime options on Tricare. If you have Prime, you just need to get a referral from your PCM.

Incidently, my midwives' current apprentice is a former Naval nurse who worked at Bethesda for years.

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#13 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 09:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How do I get Tricare to pay for a home birth mw?


ETA: I can get a referal to a mid wife in dc, but not a home birth midwife. Maybe because there aren't any in my area?
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#14 of 33 Old 06-09-2007, 11:37 PM
 
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If often works better to call the individual midwife and ask if she takes your insurance, rather than try to get a person's name from the insurance to call.

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#15 of 33 Old 06-10-2007, 12:35 AM
 
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I thought I posted here but it doesn't show..... ugh....

Well, I just wanted to say that you really should just call tricare and see what they say your options are for finding a closer caregiver. There is a milage limit to how far you're required to go to an MTF before you can choose a different place. I was only 45 min. away from mine when I got permission to go elsewhere, but that was TX not traffic-laden DC! So anyway, see if you can request to see another clinic closer and still be under prime. And if not, you can change your ins. to Tricare Standard and go to the provider of your choice. You pay a deductible instead--something like that. Anyway, there is at least one CNM in MD who does homebirths. I don't know where you are though, if she's even in your area. I could get her info if you'd like. I've had a few friends hire her and were very pleased. PM me if you want.

Good luck! And when you call Tricare, if you don't like the person you're talking to or not getting the answers you want, just hang up and call back later to talk to someone else. Or ask to speak w/ a supervisor. There are some really helpful, knowledgable people, but there's also ones who...aren't! Don't give up! I'm sure you have more options!!
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#16 of 33 Old 06-10-2007, 12:54 AM
 
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ETA: I can get a referal to a mid wife in dc, but not a home birth midwife. Maybe because there aren't any in my area?
I did my prenatal care with the Maternity Center midwives in Bethesda. They just stopped doing birth center births, but they are wonderful and you could easily call and ask someone in the office to refer you to a homebirth midwife. Since they just stopped doing birth center births, I bet there are lots of women calling and asking the same question. They are so nice!

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#17 of 33 Old 06-10-2007, 02:04 AM
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Strongly urging you to think the whole thing through. Even with a home birth you need to have a back up plan. A good midwife will have a back up physician. Even the best planned homebirths can end up with a hospital transfer. Hope for the best, prepare for everything. I travel an hour to my OB by choice. It's more difficult than the doctor down the road but much, much better. At 17 1/2 weeks you still have time to explore your options. I spent weeks asking around and weighing the pros and cons. Sometimes you just have to think about the big picture. Is a healthy baby worth a little extra hassle? I think so. I've spent half my life running from doctors. I delivered my son in a free standing birth center just to avoid a doctor. We moved, I no longer have that option. At this point, I just want a healthy, safe delivery and baby.
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#18 of 33 Old 06-10-2007, 10:22 AM
 
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Women who UC do it based on trusting their bodies to birth babies, not to avoid doctors -- and you definitely shouldn't hide the idea from your dh! Where would you hide your birthing supplies?!?!?!?
I don't think there is any one "women who UC do it based on...." criteria. Women who UC do it for ALL sorts of reasons. I UC'd to avoid doctors, because the doctors in my area all wanted to section me, just b ecause of the local VBAC climate. It had nothing to do with belief in a higher power, or about trusting my body or anything. I did trust my body, more than I trusted the doctors, but it was not a situation where I decided that my faith in my body was absolute, yadda yadda. If it was not for bad doctor options I never would have considered UC'ing, and I never felt that nothing would go wrong, just that I was less likely to have a problem without their intervention.

As for hiding it from your DH... I dunno, I'm on the other side on this one. If you don't care if he gets upset, we shouldn't either. Its not your husband's body, its yours. YOU need to have your baby however you feel the most comfortable. If thats with a local doctor or midwife or hospital, or with one a thousand miles away, or without anyone at all, thats YOUR choice. None of them are bad ways to have a baby. Just research whatever options you are seriously considering so that you know what you need to do for the best birth possible.

As for hiding birth supplies.... the minimum you honestly need are a pair of scissors (or something to cut the cord with - not even new, just boiled to be sterile), something to tie the cord with - shoelaces work, and something to contain the mess - old sheets would work, or a layer of plastic under the bed sheets as well (and many momma to be's have that in case their water breaks in bed anyways). Not really a whole lot to hide IMO.

You could always just wait and head to the hospital right at the very end too, and then avoid 99% of the time you'd otherwise have to put up with them.

As for doing your own prenatal/not seeing an OB... I am a huge supporter of UC, but I feel more comfortable having atleast some prenatal care (speaking only for myself). The only things they do that you cannot are the ultrasound and blood work. (having atleast 1 u/s during pregnancy can help detect things like where the placenta is, that baby is formed well, etc) If you went to a doctor only once, (if it were me) I would make that at about 21wks so that you get any necessary blood work (you would want to know your blood type if you do have to go into the hospital in a rush situation)

Just some thoughts from an apparently out-of-the-norm UCer
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#19 of 33 Old 06-10-2007, 05:04 PM
 
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As for hiding it from your DH... I dunno, I'm on the other side on this one. If you don't care if he gets upset, we shouldn't either. Its not your husband's body, its yours. YOU need to have your baby however you feel the most comfortable. If thats with a local doctor or midwife or hospital, or with one a thousand miles away, or without anyone at all, thats YOUR choice. None of them are bad ways to have a baby. Just research whatever options you are seriously considering so that you know what you need to do for the best birth possible.
I'm just curious (not trying to argue) how you can jusitfy hiding something of THAT importance regardless whether this is YOUR body or not? Isn't it his child, too? Doesn't the father have as loud a voice as the mother when it comes to the child? By blessing, we're able to carry the child in OUR bodies, but put yourself in the fathers shoes. How would you feel if your partner hid something or lyed about something of such importance that had to do with your child? I don't know, I just think it's wrong and I wouldn't encourage anyone to do such a thing. It doesn't set a very good example for your children either to teach them to hide something because someone doesn't agree with it. I dunno, this just doesn't sit well with me.
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#20 of 33 Old 06-10-2007, 05:19 PM
 
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How do I get Tricare to pay for a home birth mw?


ETA: I can get a referal to a mid wife in dc, but not a home birth midwife. Maybe because there aren't any in my area?
What I did was try to find a MW in my area first, then I told her that we are military, and she offered up immediately that she takes Tri-Care. I don't have any idea how much, if anything we'll end up paying, but I've had such awful hospital births it's pretty much a non-option for me to go that way.

Kiley
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#21 of 33 Old 06-10-2007, 08:18 PM
 
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put yourself in the fathers shoes. How would you feel if your partner hid something or lyed about something of such importance that had to do with your child?
Well, I actually did put myself in the husband's shoes. Or rather, I read the original post to my DH and asked him what he thought of the whole thing before I posted. I didn't post his comments because, to be honest, I thought they were too harsh. He's a lot more blunt than I am. He said (paraphrasing to remove the harshness) that he should not be putting her into a position where she feels like she has to lie to him to get the birth she needs in the first place, and that he cannot imagine being married and having children with someone when the balance of power is so absolute that this cannot be discussed.

I will say though that there is not a whole lot of information about the relationship between the OP and her DH, so it is hard to see exactly what measures have been taken to see if he'd be comfortable with a home/unassisted birth. Have you talked about it? discussed statistics? read together? read online information together? etc? My DH and I don't ever lie to eachother but, the difference is that he and I do not give eachother ultimatums. Even when we first talked about the possibility of a UC, he just gave me a wierd "where did that idea come from" look, and kept an open mind long enough to listen to my thoughts, and then went off and researched it on his own. He agrees with me 200% (is probably more gung ho than I am actually) about our birth choices. But if I ever felt the need to go to the hospital, he would support me. He supports me in this because he loves me and trusts me and it makes sense. Its clear that if the OP feels the need to lie to her DH, that he doesn't feel that same trust in her to atleast discuss it, or hasnt done his research or is blinded by the "medical model" as many are.

As for it being "his baby too"... if he does all the research and attends all the prenatals (like my DH did) and still feels the way he does, then he might have some input. But in the end, I would never defer my healthcare to appease my husband, because its my body and if he trusts me enough to give me a baby to grow, he can trust me enough to give birth the best way possible for that baby and myself.
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#22 of 33 Old 06-10-2007, 09:24 PM
 
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I say drive the 2hrs, its worth it for your babys health. I have to drive 30min-1hr to get to my OB but it makes me feel safer hearing that HB every visit. :

 

 

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#23 of 33 Old 06-10-2007, 11:29 PM
 
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personally i have never understood the "my husband doesnt want a homebirth, so im not having one" mentality.
I just cant imagine being in a relationship where someone does not respect my thoughts and choices.
But that is my opinion.

wife to my awesome DH, homeschooling, unassisted birthing, food growing, life loving mama to 5 crazy monkeys. :
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#24 of 33 Old 06-11-2007, 12:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have a pretty open relationship with DH. We do disagree on alot of AP related issues but usually we are able to make a compromise. I have talked about unassisted homebirth with DH. He doesnt want to do it because he says its messy and he's already seen enough births (he used to work at the L&D deck when we were stationed at Naval Hospital Bremerton) I personally think its more because he is scared. When I talked to him about possibly getting a mw to attend, he started to come around more to the idea. But even if we can't get a midwife, I dont want to goto the hospital.

As far as prenatal care I am going to try more one time to get local care. Im going to see my regular doctor tomorrow and see what he says. Maybe he can pull some strings with tricare to get the to pay an out of network mw. I will post what happens tomorrow after my apt.

I want to thank everyone for there insights and support. This has been a very trying time in my life and I just hope I can get this taken care of for the best.
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#25 of 33 Old 06-12-2007, 06:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Tricare has refered me out to a clinic with midwives. I dont know if they do homebirths but I guess I'll find out soon enough. My apt is Thursday so I will see how it goes. I'll post here again after my apt.
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#26 of 33 Old 06-12-2007, 06:33 PM
 
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personally i have never understood the "my husband doesnt want a homebirth, so im not having one" mentality.
I just cant imagine being in a relationship where someone does not respect my thoughts and choices.
But that is my opinion.
Well... that was my mentality when my dh and I discussed hb. We are having one, but I would have comprimised if he had said no. The reason, is that I would rather have done a birth center than have dh be so stressed during the birth. If hb is going to work, both parents have to be all for it. I would have rather done a birthing center if it would make him more comfortable. Having a stressed dh would not relax me at all. That's just me. Some of you are much stronger and opinionated than I , but it worked out in the end. Dh met with the mw and was very happy and comfortable.

Now, as far as Tricare goes, I wish we could file our hb, but there is only one CNM that does hb. Still, our mw and my sanity was worth the money. I hope everything works out. I would call the mw's that a pp said she used. We have Standard though and I see whoever I want to as long as they file Tricare. So, you could always switch if you have Prime. I just hope you find something that works for you.

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#27 of 33 Old 06-12-2007, 07:11 PM
 
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nm... don't want to argue
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#28 of 33 Old 06-12-2007, 07:30 PM
 
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Tricare has refered me out to a clinic with midwives. I dont know if they do homebirths but I guess I'll find out soon enough. My apt is Thursday so I will see how it goes. I'll post here again after my apt.
Do they have a birthing center? If not, at least having a mw at a hospital birth would be a benefit to you, seeing as most of the time, they're very supportive of your wishes! I hope you get the birth you & your family desires!
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I guess just, for me, it comes down to not ever feeling as though I could birth in a place that was not safe for me. My DH is a fighter, and very knowledgeable about birth, but that doesn't mean it would be an ok place for me to birth. Even if he was "fighting for me" I know that I would not be comfortable there. I can understand going back and forth about homebirth w/ midwife vs homebirth w/out midwife, but, if it was me, I would do whatever it took to make sure that "they" kept their hands off of me and that I was able to birth in peace. If that meant downplaying contractions until it was too late to go to the hospital... so be it.

I had my first child in the hospital, and didn't question it. My husband met me there, and was with me when I had my cesarean. Its been 12 years since that birth and that man is long gone, but my scars, both physical AND very much mental, are still there. My battles for a VBAC < 2 years ago are all about that same birth. My terror at the thought of pregnancy was still there for the last 12 years. But the man... is gone....long gone, and has been hiding out for the majority of the past 12 years to avoid paying child support. So for me, protecting myself and my interests is more important than anyone else, because my child and my body are mine, and while love is important and husbands are important, they shouldn't come before my safety and sanity.
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#30 of 33 Old 06-12-2007, 10:01 PM
 
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Call a homebirth midwife and see if they've dealt with Tricare. If you have Prime, you need to get a referral from your PCM. To make sure all your ducks are in a row, call Tricare and ask for a pre-certification letter for your midwife. If you have a problem with that, switch to Tricare Standard. You can see any CNM.

Proud mommy 9/2004 ribboncesarean.gif , 11/2007 vbac.gif, 2/2011 ribboncesarean.gif
ICAN of New Jersey --> find 2010 NJ hospital birth stats here!

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