Expecting #3 - depressed and losing it. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 19 Old 08-07-2007, 05:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was a great mom to my first child. Mothering felt easy, natural, fantastic. I had a hard transition with my second born. He was a much harder baby and I struggled to feel like I was giving everyone what they need. It has gotten easier though and now he's 2.5, very active but very delightful.

We always thought we would have 3 kids but I got pregnant unexpectedly. We recently moved, I haven't found a new job and am struggling with being home FT with my kids. Now that I'm expecting my third, I'm in a panic. I feel like I can barely get the kids dressed and out the door, while I'm cleaning the kitchen, they are trashing the livingroom. I feel exhausted, frustrated, like a lousy mom and I can't imagine how I will handle another.

Is this hormones or have I made a terrible mistake!

Mother wisdom please.

Help!
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#2 of 19 Old 08-07-2007, 05:35 PM
 
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It sounds like hormones. That and you're dealing with a lot of transitions, as are the kids so probably everyone is feeling more topsy turvy than normal. How far along are you now?

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#3 of 19 Old 08-07-2007, 05:49 PM
 
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Hormones, plus it IS tough being pregnant, in a new home, and having two little ones to look after!

I have been blue during this pregnancy too. There are reasons for it, and there are hormones. Try to address the reasons where you can, and for the hormones, give yourself more TLC than you might otherwise. Recognize that you are likely reacting to circumstances more extremely than you would were you not pregnant - but that doesn't mean your circumstances are easy.

Can you afford some help around the house?
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#4 of 19 Old 08-07-2007, 06:41 PM
 
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I'm almost there with you and for me, it was completely out of control hormones. But I thought I was going crazy. We just moved to a new town. My little home-based biz is sinking like a stone. Before we unpacked or painted or got settled at all, we got a 3 month old puppy. Five days later I found out I was pregnant.

The last three months have been hell. I thought I was going to cook the puppy up on a daily basis, then felt guilty for thinking those thoughts. Needed to unpack/paint/fix things in the new house but was too exhausted, then felt guilty. Was trying to verbalize needing help from my dh, wasn't good at using my 'I Feel" statements, then felt guilty for asking.

How was I going to be a good puppy trainer and future mother, when how you raise a puppy (ie, not at all a human infant) is exactly opposite of AP parenting? When a baby cries, you respond, when a puppy cries, you ignore. I was feeling horrible and weepy and completely out of control. I was about to abandon the puppy in her crate and find a quiet secluded B&B until the madness ended (weeks?). Every night I fell asleep at a -5 and awoke to a -1, only to lose that little bit of sanity throughout my day, sometimes I fell asleep at a -40.

Then it ended. I woke up and had no violent or angry thoughts toward either the puppy or my dh. Everyone lived. Including me. My first trimester was a bitch.

Keep plugging away, when there are Too Many Things Happening, you must find a way to simplify and give up on the others. I didn't work on my biz for 3 months. I barely tolerated the puppy and have found puppy daycares for her. I hired the kids next door to help me unpack/move boxes around/paint.

In some ways, I feel like, Why can't I handle all this? but you know what? I can't. At least not right now. And it's okay if you can't either. My friends and therapist kept asking, What do you need Right Now? It became my mantra and I started doing it more and more. And sometimes, I needed the puppy to be her crate. Sometimes I needed to eat. Sometimes, I needed to sleep. And I started doing that. And it helped. It didn't get better (until I came out of the first trimester) but it didn't get worse.

You'll make it through, just keep going. And vent all you need to here. It's a good place for support. Hang in there, I know I've been there (less than a week ago).
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#5 of 19 Old 08-07-2007, 11:45 PM
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I would say that it is pretty normal to go into panic mode when you enter the realm of 3 or more kids, especially when you weren't planning the pregnancy. Horrormones are nasty! You'll be ok.

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#6 of 19 Old 08-08-2007, 08:59 AM
 
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I really hate blaming my emotions on being pregnant, like it makes them less valid or something. The things I've been very emotional about are REAL and STRESSFUL and scary--I'd be emotional preg. or not. But I do feel like things have come in waves, some weeks better than others. But I can attribute that to changes in plans and circumstances too! So anyway, I'm just saying your emotions are totally valid! Maybe things are amplified a bit b/c of being preg. but it's not all to blame. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now and anticipating more change--that's hard! Try to not keep it all to yourself, talk about it, and make sure you are dealing with the emotions and not trying to ignore them.

And I'm a bit scared of #3 as well..... My second was a super baby, but it was soooo hard on me. Such a hard time in my life! Now we are moving weeks or days after having this baby, thousands of miles from family and friends, and though I know God will take care of us, it's still terrifying. Ugh. I have my weepy days and my days when I'm fine. Now yesterday, I can attribute some tears to hormones for sure b/c I started crying watching Arthur w/ the kids and Yo Yo Ma was playing a beautiful song. Not sure why it brings tears to my eyes, but it's doing it again.... Gotta think about what association I have w/ that song....

Anyway, I hope that your confidence goes up soon--you are a GREAT mom and dealing with the unfun parts of being a sahm..... It can be so frustrating some days! Changing or lowing expectations in some areas can be very helpful for me. That and trying to keep the perspective that they won't be small forever--I have to try to enjoy it more. But it's hard when they're driving you crazy and everyday seems to be the same!!

((((hugs)))) Things will get better!! One day at a time......
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#7 of 19 Old 08-08-2007, 09:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the kind words. I know that when people send me hugs via the internet and it makes me cry - I'm not quite myself.

It has been a crazy few months. I'm trying to figure out what are the most important things I need to do to get some sense of balance and support and move forward on those. I've never had such a hard time accomplishing anything!

I'm hoping the combination of moving out the first trimester (sometime this month? The problem with a 3rd pregnancy is I can't even keep track of what week I'm in), having my oldest son start kindergarten and finding a little babysitting or care for my youngest will pull me up.

My dh keeps saying things like, "but I thought you wanted a third - I don't understand." He says some other really good things but you know, it's the stupid things that make you want to kill.

Thanks again!
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#8 of 19 Old 08-08-2007, 11:08 AM
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You'll feel better once you're out of the first tri.

All that's important is that you and the kids are fed and safe. EVERYTHING ELSE can wait.

Our house pretty much ground to a hault until last week (~15ish weeks). now I'm catching up a bit - the lawn has been mowed the first time in a month! But, you know what, I just couldn't do it all. I had meltdowns, breakdowns tantrums and crying fits. DH picked up where he could and always supported me when I said I'd had enough and was going to quit my job, run away, etc.

This too will pass.

g.

Canadian mama to A (C/S May 2004) and R (induced VBAC Dec 2007) expecting #3 in July.  Currently obsessing over permaculture, photography and beekeeping.

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#9 of 19 Old 08-08-2007, 05:28 PM
 
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I've been looking all over for some validation or commisseration... something to help me not feel like such a rotten mother-to-be. I have two kids - both of whom took me YEARS to conceive. And now I find myself surprised with pregnancy #3 while still breastfeeding my 2 year old.

I was so excited about my first two pregnancies. But this time I just feel crappy. I'm exhausted and depressed and just wish I could lie down and sleep indefinitely.
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#10 of 19 Old 08-08-2007, 05:33 PM
 
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I didn't tell anyone, but I had a really, really hard time when I got pregnant with my third (currently about 16 weeks). It was unexpected and I'm about to start nursing school, we're getting ready to move, so I thought it was just all-around bad timing. I felt so overwhelmed and really couldn't stop crying and then I felt really guilty for being upset over something that should be considered a miracle.
DH was really reassuring and his confidence helped me to become at peace with it, and now I'm really excited about adding to our family. We always knew we would have a third, we just didn't know that now was the perfect time, and it so clearly IS afterall

~e, wife to my sweet T partners.gif, mama to my turtleman (8) , sunshine (6 vbac.gif), and monkey (2)
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#11 of 19 Old 08-08-2007, 08:30 PM
 
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I think it's all preparation for when the baby arrives - and the lawn doesn't get mowed, and the house doesn't get painted, and the dishes don't get done...and it's like that for a long long time! :
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#12 of 19 Old 08-09-2007, 07:00 PM
 
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Cam's mama - how are you currently feeling?

I'm doing a lot better, today and I'm hoping you are, too.
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#13 of 19 Old 08-09-2007, 09:41 PM
 
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I am currently pragnant, 26 weeks along, with my third child. This one not planned. Hubby came home from iraq for two weeks of leave and left a little blessing. I say blessing before more often then not I do not like this child/pregnancy. My son will be 2 when baby is born and I feel like the baby time I have with him is being taken by this new baby. I was throwing up at the store again today and so dizzy and miserable I was crying and swearing about this baby and kicking myself as my 8 year old heard me! She does not understand..... and is excited about baby.... When I finally told her, had to explain why I was so sick the first thing she asked was if she could be at the birth. LOL she is so amazing and wonderful... we homeschool, will I have enough time to keep up with her?

No one is going to tell you this baby could be a mistake but I will admit I am here thinking it with you. My husband is in Iraq, will miss the birth and.... sometimes it is all too much.

I have faith I will love this baby when it is here. Till then, it is what it is.

Army wife to wonder hubby. Mama to 4 and Surrogate mother x2.: Zoey Born 5/7/2010
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#14 of 19 Old 08-09-2007, 09:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Airmid View Post
Cam's mama - how are you currently feeling?

I'm doing a lot better, today and I'm hoping you are, too.
Thank you for asking. I'm doing a million times better. I had a great appt. with a midwife. Just saying out loud that I was struggling emotionally helped. And she recc'd Omega 3 and I have no idea if it's that (I kinda doubt it since I've only taken it twice so far) or if I'm just far enough along but I feel like the cloud lifted. And I'm so relieved.

I heard the heartbeat and that was a great reminder too of what I'm doing. And suddenly being with kids didn't feel like such a burden, it felt like a blessing (not every moment felt like a blessing but you know, overall )

So hopefully I'm on the upswing. But I do recc the Omegas for anyone else feeling crappy.

Best, Deb
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#15 of 19 Old 08-09-2007, 10:02 PM
 
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Cam's Mama - Good idea about the Omega 3s. I'll put flax oil on my grocery list.

Kontessa - What a tough situation! I've been stressing about homeschooling, too. I don't know how I'll get it all done... I've been rounding up curriculum and supplies. My 7yo dd will be great... it's entertaining the 2yo I worry about. I can't imagine doing it without dh. He used to be in the Navy, but never in combat - so even though I understand how much it sucks to be alone, I can only imagine what you're going through.
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#16 of 19 Old 08-09-2007, 10:05 PM
 
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I have used Omegas (Flax seed oil) organic, in smoothies for more then the past year..... clearly it is not working for me. I read something about PPD and magnizium (sp?) and other things and so ordered some to add to my smoothies. Adding more to them these days.

I got better for a short while there but I am back to not being happy about this little one.

Army wife to wonder hubby. Mama to 4 and Surrogate mother x2.: Zoey Born 5/7/2010
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#17 of 19 Old 08-10-2007, 05:45 PM
 
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Mmmmmm.... Smoothies.... That's the one food I can nearly always tolerate.
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#18 of 19 Old 08-10-2007, 05:59 PM
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try cod liver oil. It's better for omega 3s than flax seed oil. Take lots - like 3 teaspoons a day.

g.

Canadian mama to A (C/S May 2004) and R (induced VBAC Dec 2007) expecting #3 in July.  Currently obsessing over permaculture, photography and beekeeping.

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#19 of 19 Old 08-10-2007, 10:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lawyermom View Post
I think it's all preparation for when the baby arrives - and the lawn doesn't get mowed, and the house doesn't get painted, and the dishes don't get done...and it's like that for a long long time! :
Yep. It's reality.

Hugs to all the struggling mamas. We're familiar with the blues around these here parts as well.

I will add that Omega 3's helped me too (1000-2000 mg/day to treat depression) and exercise. 20 minutes a day of horrible 1980's Jane Fonda aerobics videos 3-4 or more days/week. It's just about getting your heartrate up.

wash.gif  Me  + bikenew.gif Dh =  broc1.gif  Dd1(9 yrs) + hearts.gif  Dd2(6 yrs) and blowkiss.gif Ds(3.5 yrs)
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