Do people realize how insensative this is? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 55 Old 08-26-2007, 10:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am preg. w/#3. #1 just turned 5 and #2 is 2.5 y/o, both girls. Since folks (none of whom I am particularly close to) at work have found out about the pregnancy I can't even count how many times I have heard the following:

"Was this an accident or was it planned?" My response has been "Well clearly it was G*d's plan."

"I'll bet your hoping for a boy" or Gee, I hope this one is a boy" or "Were you trying for a boy?" to which our response has been something like "No, we are hoping for a healthy baby."

I am so frustrated by this insensativity and I find it just plain rude. I am put off by the off hand comments by people I have no personal relationship with! I am fairly thick skinned but I am so angry that there have been so few simple "Congratulations!" and so many stupid statements/questions. Ugh, rant over.
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#2 of 55 Old 08-26-2007, 10:35 PM
 
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How about "we're hoping for a puppy."

People who are that rude and insensitive don't deserve a serious answer.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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#3 of 55 Old 08-26-2007, 10:39 PM
 
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How about "we're hoping for a puppy."

.
:
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#4 of 55 Old 08-26-2007, 10:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
How about "we're hoping for a puppy."

People who are that rude and insensitive don't deserve a serious answer.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#5 of 55 Old 08-26-2007, 10:44 PM
 
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I'm not pregnant right now (trying) but I had to jump in and comment that I really think some people are overcome with verbal diarrhea when it comes to other's pregnancies. It cracks me up the things people say and the things they think are appropriate to talk about.

Right after I had my miscarriage I had to tell a lady at playgroup because she knew I was pregnant. Her response, "Oh, well now you can do it right and try for your girl. You know, use the Chinese calendar to get the right month?"

I've had countless people ask me if I'm hoping for a girl next time so we can be done with our one boy and one girl. OH THANKS...I'm so glad you explained to me the way this is all supposed to work out! :

LOVE how people think they need to tell you what sex your next baby should be! :

Mama to a 5.5 yr old boy and a 2.5 yr old girl.  Expecting baby 3 (another girl!) late June
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#6 of 55 Old 08-26-2007, 10:49 PM
 
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People are idiots. I fully expect to get the flabbergasted looks from people when we start spreading the news because we do have one boy and one girl. Why on earth would we want another?

I like the puppy answer.

Jenn, perpetually tired mom to DS(9): DD(4.5): DD(2) :
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#7 of 55 Old 08-26-2007, 11:09 PM
 
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People are idiots. I fully expect to get the flabbergasted looks from people when we start spreading the news because we do have one boy and one girl. Why on earth would we want another?

I like the puppy answer.

Yes, we have 3 (including our baby that was stillborn last yr) and we are ttc another..and ppl just can't understand why we would even think of another...:

Kylin 10/14/2002

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#8 of 55 Old 08-26-2007, 11:15 PM
 
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I truly understand your feelings. I wish I had a dollar for every, "Your pregnant?! Oh my God and how old are you?!" I am so sick of people "telling" me I am to old to have a baby. Geez, I am only 42! Hang in there and ignore the ignorant!!!
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#9 of 55 Old 08-26-2007, 11:26 PM
 
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I know just how you are feeling I am pregnant with #3 and have a 5 year old and a 2 year old everyone asks the "was this an accident ?" or "What are you going to do with 3 kids?" :

Even though I have told people how happy we are they just don't seem to get it !!

I think you should say the whole puppy thing...I do that with the circ question and say "Only if it's a girl" Totally throws them off!!!

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#10 of 55 Old 08-26-2007, 11:30 PM
 
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my favorite comeback (because i get this said to me ALL THE TIME)

Other person: "Havnt you guys figured out how this happens yet"

Me: "Me and hubs finally figured it out and have seperated our toothbrushes so it doesnt happen again"

LOL
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#11 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 12:22 AM
 
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I was in the ER yesterday and my dad called me and I told him I was pregnant and I was having a complication and that's why I was there. The first thing he said was "Why are you trying to have a baby so soon anyways" (DD is 15 months)... I said "Its a personal decision and frankly it's none of your business". wtf like I want to explain how my husband and I weren't using protection to my dad when I am in a freaking waiting room at the ER with tons of people right there eavesdropping. UGH!!!
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#12 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 12:26 AM
 
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Originally Posted by SquishyMommyof2 View Post
my favorite comeback (because i get this said to me ALL THE TIME)

Other person: "Havnt you guys figured out how this happens yet"

Me: "Me and hubs finally figured it out and have seperated our toothbrushes so it doesnt happen again"

LOL
We got that question with our third (and even more now). Dh just said we were perfecting the technique hehe. Most people were speechless and left it alone after that
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#13 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 12:26 AM
 
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This is my first and I hate it when people ask me if I want a boy or a girl. What kind of question is that? Are they going to ask me when I start walking around with my boy if I wanted a girl? It's so insensitive!

Karen, mother to a wonderful active three year old.
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#14 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 04:33 AM
 
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I can beat that I'm looking visibly pregnant with number 4 now, and I've had a few people tell me in the last couple of months (near-strangers, carers of my FIL, people like that) that it's so nice I have two boys and a girl to finish off my family :
Four little words:
"I beg your pardon?"
It's the only thing you can say.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#15 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 05:01 AM
 
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i get this too. i have 3 kids eldest jsut turned 5 Middle 2 and half baby is 20 months and im due in 3 weeks.

2 of my kids were "life had other ideas 1 was planned adn one was a total accident!!

DS1 was planned 6 months of trying (lucky me)
DD was a "life had other idea" we lost one in Sept 03 and decided to carry on trying after i had gotten my 1st "normal period" after. come new yearthings were NOT going well between me adn DH so we decided to hold off on another baby and move area for a "fresh start" well life decided otehr wise and i found i was pregnant at the worse possible time(no house, me DH and DS1 living in a 1 bed flat with my dad) things worked out fine, we got a house, i had baby in Oct 2004.

DS2 was a total utter and complete accident. DD was 12 weeks ish and something went wrong/didnt work/etc and when she was 14 weeks old i had a + preg test. i was in a right tizz for a few days DH was grinning like a chesheire cat!!! took me 3 days to get round th efact iw as gonna have 2 under 2. it was a terrible year (uk version of CPS got involved shortly before i had DD but thats all fine now and i dont wanna go into it) but we got through it. DH got off the sick and got a job. i managed the best i could with 3 kids under 4. i had an Implanon put in when DS2 was 3 weeks old. when he was 9 months old i had it out as we wanted to have out 4th sooner rather than later as i wanted to go back to school to study towards becoming a MW or peadiatric nurse (or summat)

we were trying for 5 months and decided to hold off for a few months so that we could try for a summer baby(dd and ds2 are both winter babies)

Life had other ideas. i quit BF at 14 months on a monday he had his last feed. i went out one night got drunk adn could not remember if we were "carefull" DH swears we were but anyway 2 weeks later i had a BFP.

so when i get asked was it planned i say " not really but life had other ideas and we are quite happy with that"

when asked what i prefre gender wise i jsut say a healthy baby. i have beentold to stopnow as i will have 2 of each but why should i quit now if me and DH dont want to. when i tell people we arnt puttinga numberon it i get told im mad,
i was told in a shop (Part of the Wal Mart family lol) that i have my hads full!!! i jsut said its a good job im good at juggling.


my mum had a witty comment when she was expecting my sister. she had 1 girl (me) and 1 boy(my half Bro) when asked what she wanted she said that as she already had one of each she was hoping for a monkey!

why do people think that to be a "perfect" family you need one of each sex and thats it. if you have 1 your depriving them of a sibling., if you have 3 your selfish for having so many kids.

i have been asked if i have a tv,
told im a glutton for punishment
told im mad
told i am "fond of a treat" wtf that supposed to mean i will never know.
i have been asked "how did that happen" i jsut smiles and walked away

it does bother me when i get comments in this vain loads in one day but on teh whole i jsut smile and walk away (then wish i had thought of a witty retort but it never happens i dont thinkfast enought)

anyway what does it matter to people how we live our lives. my own mother has been trying to get me to quit since 30 seconds after DS1 was born and has been dropping not so subtle hints abotu getting DH fixed. (he refuses and i dont blame him)
with each child i have had she gets more and mroe frustrated at me as i am not confrming to "her" idea of my life. she wants me to "make something of myself" yeah i am im raising hte next generation of people.

she still has diggs now and again and if/when i have more shes gonna pitch a fit but tuff its up to me and DH (and our kids) how many kids we have(ds1 has requested 10 brothers and sisters!!!)

Kiz
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#16 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 08:42 AM
 
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i'm pregnant with my first.

i got the weirdest questions/comments from a couple people i knew on a purely professional level.

"wow! your pregnant? were you trying?" what i wanted to say "gee hum lady NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS". my real answer- "well we weren't NOT trying..." or even more accurate for the really nosey ones " we TRIED. we hit the jackpot the first time around!" :
another:
"How did that happen?!" my boss, who i LOVE, answered that one for me- "the old fashioned way!"
and i got lots of stupid comments before i went on maternity leave from random customers. (i work retail)
customer:"you know, they are a LOT of work"
i wanted to say " oh crap, i guess i'll return it then."
i think i said " i'm sure i can't even imagine..."

customer: "you know, they really change your life" (not said in a warm fuzzy way)
me: " GREAT! my husband and i are pretty sick of our mundane little lives and we decided we needed a little excitement!"

i don't get it what ever happened to "Congratulations!"

and i am almost 40! and this is in a "professional" environment.
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#17 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 09:13 AM
 
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OMG....I could've wrote this message because I'm pregnant with my 3rd and my two girls are the SAME ages apart as yours! That's all everyone says to me...."Hopefully this one is a boy." What the heck?!? We TRULY want another baby, regardless of what the sex is! It's so frustrating. Even whenever I had my second daughter, soooo many people said, "What did your husband say whenever it was another girl?" I'm like, "What do you think he said?!? Throw it away?!?"

People are so annoying and I would NEVER say anything like that to someone.
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#18 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 10:19 AM
 
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What IS it about that third baby?!! I've had people look at me like I have two heads for contemplating it. I have a boy and a girl; evidently I should be done. I don't get it.
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#19 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 10:44 AM
 
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I'm getting this a lot also. It's our first and we're both 30 years old but people still lean in and whisper "Is this good news?" as if we have made a terrible mistake. I always tell them that we did it on purpose and we're very, very happy about it. But it still makes me feel bad like people think we're not responsible or capable. My husband's dad (a pastor) has twice told him "You know, this is gonna change everything." in his serious warning voice. Yeah, you think? I told dh to ask his dad if he thinks it's too late to push me down the stairs. That would probably shut him up.

DD1 6 1/2 DD2 9/20/14 (18 weeks)
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#20 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 10:45 AM
 
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Oh yeah!! I can relate on every level.
We're pg with #4 (my last two being 21 months apart). People are extremely rude. Here's some of what I've heard:

Them: Were you actually trying??
Me: Well, we're just leaving it up to God.

How about this doozy...
Them: Now after this one... it's "snip snip" for you!!
Me: Dumfounded and silent

or...

Them: Wow, are you crazy? I can't stand the two I have! You are a glutton for punishment!
Me: Actually, children are a blessing from God, not a punishment, but thanks for your encouragement.

or...

Them: Children are expensive!
Me: Children aren't expensive...lifestyles are.
Them: speechless

I have a boy and two girls and this one is a boy and I've heard SO MANY TIMES, as one poster already stated, "How perfect! This completes your family! Two boys and two girls!" I just say, "Well, for now anyway! That's up to God to decide, not me." UGH!!

What bothers me so much is not that they get diarrhea of the mouth, but that society, in general, view children as something negative that ruins your life rather than the blessings they truly are. Yes, children take work and self sacrifice. Our selfish society can't accept that.

Sorry...didn't meant o get on my soapbox about that! It's just irritating.
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#21 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 10:46 AM
 
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Thankfully, the only insensitive comments I have received, or remember receiving were from my parents. (Maybe they're not really "insensitive" as they came from my parents, but they were annoying.) My father is a pastor, and my husband is a seminary student. They went through seminary as a young married couple. (Actually, we were older than my parents when my father graduated, as he went straight from college, and we waited a few years.) They both asked why we didn't wait. Actually, I think one said that we shold have waited. I told them both that if God hadn't wanted us to have a baby now, I wouldn't be pregnant. That shut them up. They both asked if I was going to change my "diet" to at least include dairy and eggs. (I'm vegan and I think they still think that I do this for weight loss/management. Nope. I do not care for the effects of factory farming on the enviornment, what is put into meat, etc. My health and the improvment of, is just a great bonus.) I told them that if I thought the way I eat would be harmful for my baby, I would change. That also shut them up. Even though I was raised on meat, they did raise my siblings and me to eat somewhat healthy. I've just taken what they taught me and gone further with it.

Anyway...

I think that if somebody asked me if we were trying for a boy the next time, I would respond with, "If we are blessed with another girl, does that mean we've failed because we are not having a boy?" I think we've been asked what my husband thinks about having a girl, as though he's supposed to be disappointed that our baby isn't a boy? I've told them that from the start, he has said we're having a girl and wanted one. We are definitely having a girl. Although, I have decided that if we get any of the other comments with any other pregnancies, I'm going to respond with, "Gee, my husband was instantly furious with God that he became an instant atheist, turned in his collar and symbolically burned his seminary degree." Okay. That might be a bit rude. Might be.

There is a family at our school who came with three boys when the husband started. He got a vasectomy. They've had two boys since. I can just imagine any comments they might have recieved, not only on the vasectomy thing, but on the boy thing. Yikes. If God wants a couple to have a baby, it's going to happen.
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#22 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 11:52 AM
 
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My sister is 9 years older than me and she had her first when she was 20, so I was 11 years old when J was born. DH and I are now in the late 30s crowd and after a long courtship, 10+ years, we are now married and pregnant. It is the timeline that works for us. A couple of years ago, around when we got married, she asked when DH and I were gonna start having children because 'it would have been nice for J to have some cousins to play with'. Ummm, he was 20+ by then. I just told her she should of thought of that when I was 11 years old.
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#23 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 03:01 PM
 
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It's almost funny that people would ask something so...???

I would just say "Did you seriously just ask me that?"
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#24 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 03:41 PM
 
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It's almost funny that people would ask something so...???

I would just say "Did you seriously just ask me that?"

LOL! I am going to remember that. I think I get surprised when people ask dumb questions and I don't know what to say. I am remembering that one! So simple-yet so real!

Karen, mother to a wonderful active three year old.
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#25 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 05:11 PM
 
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I think if you answer people who make totally inapprorpiate comments like that with something that gives them the information they're looking for you're just encouraging them to be jerks, so I'm a big fan of Miss Manners and her "What a rude question!" reply.

Sometimes, it's that or decking people. Like the lady who asked me if I needed a moment to collect myself (ie. sit in my office and cry) when we found out we were expecting a second boy. Ummm... WHAT? It's a happy, healthy, totally on-target BABY with all it's appropriate parts! What in the WORLD could be worth crying about with news like that?

Spending all of my money and time on this wild, wild life.
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#26 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 05:54 PM
 
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Yeah...I love the "Was it planned?" I'm expecting my first, and I've gotten that at work, too. (From the same people I work with who were badgering me after my October wedding with, "Are you trying? When are you going to try?" Sheesh!)

I also got one, "That was fast!" I thought, uh...we got married last October...I wouldn't call getting pregnant in June particularly FAST, but, ok, if you insist...

But the "was it planned" - it's hard to get over that one! What are people thinking when they ask that (well, obviously, they're not)? I just responded, a little stunned, with, "Absolutely! We're thrilled!"

A friend & I spend 20 minutes amusing ourselves coming up with some answers the other night. One that would stop people cold would be, <blink eyes a few times> "Wow. What part of you thinks that's an appropriate question?" or, "Wait, wait! Let me get a pen. I was told I was going to be asked some totally inappropriate things, and this is the best one yet - I just have to write this down!"
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#27 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 06:45 PM
 
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I am preg with #4 and we have 3 girls, so you can the comments we get. : I mostly get the hoping for a boy, trying for a boy variety, because I dealt with all the don't you know what causes this, was it planned type last time (but there are always a few that like to slip it in). We had a hug company party this weekend (over 400 for dh and FIL's company picnic) and I got tired of the do you know what you are having question and starting answer (no pause, with a straight face) Puppies! Most people laughed it off, a few were really startled, but it held up really well, I think I am stick with that one.

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#28 of 55 Old 08-27-2007, 07:29 PM
 
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Before I got pregnant, I'd always read and heard that the only proper response to anything pregnancy related (other than a miscarriage or other obviously bad news) was "Congratulations!" and that if you couldn't say that sincerely, say nothing.

Last year I had two close friends who told EVERYONE that they were going for a second child to try and have a girl this time (both had boys for #1). Both had a second boy. I still said congratulations. Seriously, it's a new life, in both cases, a perfectly healthy new life. What's not to congratulate?

And.....when I got pregnant the first time, we weren't exactly trying, but we weren't avoiding. We were taking a wait and see approach, which meant I stopped charting, but we definitely wanted to start our family and any children would be welcome with joy. I still knew enough about my own cycles to know that I pretty much got pregnant on the first "try." And I still had friends asking me if the pregnancy was planned and if I was okay with it. :
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#29 of 55 Old 08-28-2007, 04:01 AM
 
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We have two girls and I am not looking forward to the myriad of comments I'll probably get if/when I get pregnant again. Hopefully it won't be for a year or so (I'm tandem-nursing and didn't get pg with dd2 until dd1 had been eating solids for 4 months) or I'll *really* get comments... I've already gotten a "do you know what causes that?" comment because my girls are 20 months apart!

I also just turned 24 and dh is about to turn 24 so people think we're too young to already have 2... oh well. It's none of their business anyhow!

love and peace.

mama to two girls and due in November!
: Circumcision can never be undone :
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#30 of 55 Old 08-28-2007, 04:06 AM
 
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wait till it's #5 & then check out the rudeness. I took all 4 to pick out napsacs at a sale I saw & strangers felt the need to comment. One lady said to me "wow you people sure have big familes"
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