Mothering Forum banner

My "friend" isn't going to throw my shower anymore! And its NEXT SATURDAY!

2K views 27 replies 19 participants last post by  StarMama 
#1 ·
Ok must vent. Must whine. Must get this out. Be prepared for a book. *Sigh*

Ok my "friend" who was going to throw my shower. She was really excited about it, offered to do it, and has the $ available to do so (she's pretty well off)... My MIL could have thrown my whole shower (she's going to do a 'mini shower' for her church friends now) with no problem... I didn't ask my "friend" to do this, I didn't hint at it at all.

She has been very flakey about the whole thing. I had to put together and send out the invites (ok she was busy with her wedding, but still a "thanks!" woulda been nice)... I had to call and instant message and bug her like mad to go see my SIL's place where she was throwing the shower. She FINALLY saw it about 4 days ago, but I had to call her like 9 times, and she didn't answer the phone til 10 minutes AFTER we should have been there "Oh sorry I was called into work, and couldn't get ahold of you." (yes I verified that she DID get my answering machine, which is for what? Oh yes, leaving MESSAGES!
). Its not like she didn't have her cell on her all day (which I was calling), and its not like she didn't get breaks she could have called me then... She also had left me an instant message saying "are you there?" Could she have not let me know what was going on? And why didn't she call *me* the minute she got out of work? Why did I still have to track her down??

Ok so anyways, I'm stressed like mad because she's flaking so bad, my poor SIL is stressed thinking she's gonna get stuck throwing the whole thing herself (and this is after my SIL has already let us use her house and has given us *hundreds* of dollars worth of really top of the line baby stuff, including a medela lactina, a beautiful crib, ect)... So at SIL's house, my "friend" and SIL are talking about how my "friend" should have others bring soda and chips and stuff... My "friend" thinks this is a great idea and tells me to tell everyone to do so. I know that a lot of my friends don't have a whole lot of $ (and I think if someone is requested to bring stuff like its a potluck perhaps the invites would have been the place to do so, and would feel odd calling everyone now a week and a half before the shower to ask them to bring sodas and chips...), so I laugh and say "Oh well I'm not sure they can do that, one friend already had to tell me she couldn't bring a gift." Which is true. A good high school friend of mine doesn't have the $ to bring a present (she was appologizing for it). I'm ok with that. The shower is, to me, about celebrating the upcoming birth of my child. Presents are secondary. Guess this isn't the standard thoughs on this though...
:

Sooooo I instant message "friend" today because I need the rsvp list so I can call who didn't rsvp (in case they forgot, I want to see my friends and family, and so we have a good head count). I've been asking for the rsvp list for awhile now... This "friend" has never been a flake before this btw, so its not like I knew I was getting myself into this...

So my "friend" wants to talk about something she says.... then she starts going in on how rude it is for someone to come without a present, and that showers are for the presents, and that she is ONLY throwing a shower so I can get presents, and if she's spending more money on the party than I get in presents she would really rather just buy me a present with said money.
I try to explain that my friend really is broke (she moved back in with mom and dad) and that she's been broke for quite awhile (I know she's so broke that her bank balance hits negatives between paychecks... her ex and her got into a LOT of debt and she's just barely swimming right now), and its known that my friends from high school don't have much money... and that my friend was appologizing for not having a gift.... ok yes, she could spend .50 cents on something. She could offer to help set up or something. Perhaps I'm warped and my broke friend is rude, and I know if I asked her to help set up, or clean up, she would (I just didn't think about it)... I know that she comes off as rude to people who don't know her (really independent and outspoken... we've been friends since we were 14 though, so hey some people grow and mature, and some people have rough spots... we still have a long history and she is still my friend)

Well my "friend" says she doesn't want her at the shower. I'm like what?!
You want me to uninvite her?? No, "friend" says, she'll call and do it... I'm shocked. I mean whatever level of rudeness it is to show up empty handed to a baby shower, its another level altogether to uninvite someone! So I tell my "friend" that I don't want to do that, and that she's pushing me into a corner where I'm going to piss one of them off, and I don't appreciate that. I tell her over and over that I appreciate her throwing the party, I appreciate her spending the money to do so, ect, ect, but I don't want to uninvite my friend because to me the party is more than just about what 'loot' I get (and it'd be stressful as hell too!). I tell her than I understand that yes the party is for me to get presents and such, yes I understand that that is how she views it... I try to nicely explain what a bad situation I'd be put in having to choose one person over the other. I really REALLY try to be diplomatic about it. I honestly do. I beg her to stop stressing me out. I offer to pay for the non gift bringing friend's food. I even agree that my friend is being rude, not bringing a present, but that can't we please let it go to keep me from having to choose one person over the other? To keep me from stressing out? My "friend" says (direct quote) "Well I'd think it would be an easy decision" of whom to piss off, or that it should be 'obvious' to me that I should uninvite one of my best friends....

Soooo I'm pissed. WAY pissed. I've had enough.
I went OFF on her about all the stress she's put me under because of her flaking, and waiting to the last minute, and that this is just over the top. That its horrible of her to be SO concerned about PRESENTS that she's going to make me stress out over one freaking person not bringing something (and this "friend" KNOWS I've been going thru a LOT of stress lately... even said after we got out of SIL's "well now you don't have to stress anymore" all condensending, she can be quite the "know it all" sometimes... usually not a big deal, just a little grating...). So then my "friend" says she'll handle it all. obviously pissed at my outburst. Blows off my request for the rsvp list, even when I explain that its because I want to call people in case they forgot. She says "there will be enough". Like what? Enough what? Presents? People? I can't want everyone who can possible come to come? Especially people I only see 3 or so times a year? (well she did eventually offer to call them for me, after I explained and begged, but I was really snappy and said "No I'm not giving you their numbers. So you can do what, call and quiz everyone on how much $ they are going to spend on my presents?). Just keeps saying "fine I'll handle it". I eventually told her that hey, I don't TRUST that she's doing everything because she hasn't done anything unless I bugged her about it a lot. So then its to the other extreme "fine what do you want me to do, what do you want to do". ARG!
I just wanted to be involved in the fun of picking out stuff, putting together decorations and stuff! Obviously this isn't going to be "fun" anymore! I keep trying to tell her this, try to talk to her, trying to get her to understand my side and why I'm so stressed out, and she refuses to respond to anything except specific questions on the shower...

She goes off to answer a phone call (at 1am?
: ) and comes back oh an hour later and says because of how I treated her she doesn't want to do my shower anymore. She's going to drop off the favors and decorations tommorow with my Dh (she asked when I wanted her to drop the stuff off, and I set it up so I won't be home). Great. I'm figuring out the food budget (its a co-ed bbq). It's gonna be at least $200. That we don't really have.


Ok perhaps I should have just bit my tounge over how I felt. At least then we wouldn't be spending $ we don't have. And then I wouldn't be throwing my OWN freaking SHOWER. But she just pushed my buttons and acted like the queen of 'how to act socially' I just couldn't stand it. I don't CARE if my friend can't buy a present! I want her THERE! I don't CARE if its a big social no-no! I don't care if she comes off as b*tchy to people she doesn't know. Its MY shower and shouldn't my feelings of who I want there matter? Should I be put in a postion of pissing off a best friend just because of some 'social rule'? And wouldn't it just be a big huge social no-no to uninvite someone even if I didn't care too much if she was there or not?
:

I was getting to the point of worrying that my "friend" was going to be mentally counting up the bottom $ of how much $ was spent for presents and be mad if it wasn't "enough". Most of my friends and family don't have a lot of money. I'm sure everyone else would have brought something. But it might be something small, with only 1-3 people spending more than $20 or so (and those 1-3 people are pretty darn generous).... I'm used to this. So is my friends/family. If you have $ and can afford to buy someone something really *nice* for christmas/birthdays/whatevers great! If you can't, no biggie! No one has a lot of $ to burn right now. I understand. The ONLY big thing left we NEED for Orion is a carseat, which MIL says she will buy if I don't get it for this shower....

I loooove presents and goodies and opening gifts of course (does anyone not? :LOL)! But is it just me who feels like its wrong to put SO much emphasis on the presents that you'd uninvite someone if they simply couldn't afford to bring you something? Is it wrong to want this event to be way more about a happy family/friends gathering than a present-a-thon? Am I so far off in my thinking? Really, am I? Dh didn't agree with my "friend" wanting to uninvite the broke friend, but he does think the shower is really about the presents... maybe I'm in the minority....

Well at least I won't have to deal with having negative feelings toward my "friend" at the shower (well at least not face to face huh?). I may have to spend all this $ (can't really not have a bbq when the invites advertise the shower as that huh?) but it will be a peaceful, fun filled event with all the people around me who *matter*, presents or not.


Ok end rant. If you read this whole thing thanks, I'm impressed because I'm sure I babbled on and on there!
 
See less See more
10
#2 ·
Oh Lisa_Lynn


I think you sound like a dear, sweet friend to be so understanding of your friend who is having a hard time financially. I think your 'friend' who was going to throw the shower is seriously confused and wrong about the purpose of this party and I think you are better off without her at the helm.
It is nothing short of selfish and completely mean to uninvite someone because they can't buy you a gift. That's so weird. By any chance do these 2 have a history of disliking each other and that's just a weird excuse?

The only person that deserves an 'uninvite' here is your ex-friend.

You aren't in the minority, or at least I hope you are not! I am sure if you call a few of your close friends and explain that your ex-friend flaked out on you there will be people plenty willing to help take over. Or at least if they can't take over they will understand why you are last minute throwing your own party.

Have a nice shower, try to let this all wash away - bad dirt washing down the drain.
 
#3 ·
I don't know if you are looking for a solution, but here's my idea. Call off the expensive, gift-giving shower, allow yourself time to calm down about the shower. Then after the baby comes, have a "meet 'n greet" with the friends you wnat to invite. Focus on introducing your friends to your child. If some poeple want to bring gifts, that's fine. Have it between mealtimes, so you only have to have snack-types foods.
Just a thought.
 
#4 ·
Oh dear, I'm so sorry you have to deal with something like this. What a bummer. FWIW, I think you're totally in the right. Showers are about celebrating a new baby, not about putting a pricetag on your friendship.

Can you explain the situation to your very close family and friends and see if they could help you out? Maybe MIL could bake a cake, SIL could make a salad, etc? If you keep the food very simple (hot dogs and burgers for the grill, or veggie equivalents and chips) it shouldn't be horribly expensive. Instead of several kinds of soft drinks, you could make iced tea and lemonade. Bake a batch of cookies instead of buying dessert. Macaroni or potato salad are cheap and filling, esp if you have vegetarians coming. You can buy generic chips and pour them into bowls--no one will ever know the difference.

Those are just my ideas. I think you can still have a fun shower without your 'friend's" money. Good luck to you!

peace, Beth
 
#7 ·
Oh how horrid! What a terrible way for this woman to treat you!

I say cancel it.. and have a "drop by" day either before or after the baby is here for people to wish you and the baby well, offer blessings etc. Keep it very simple and just make it about sharing wishes for the baby.. not formal like a "shower"

BTW.. I never had a shower.. and a friend who wanted to make me one stopped speaking to me because I told her I didn't want one! (Why are people so NUTS???)
I didn't WANT people to feel obligated to bring presents.. I just wanted blessings.. so I had a naming ceremony/open house when the baby was born. My mom came over and cooked.

People gave presents ANYWAY, which was lovely.. but I'd rather they do so cause they WANT to.. not because they feel obligated to, kwim?

I am so sorry your "friend" treated you that way and made it stressful for you.. these things are supposed to honor pregnant women, not put them in the center of some ridiculous drama.
 
#9 ·
Wow!!!!
Hon, your "friend" sounds incredibly rude and completely self centered. Sounds like she wanted out of hosting for awhile and didn't have the balls to just say so or the decency to follow through on the commitment SHE made for herself.

I can't even tell you how utterly shocked I am at her behavior. I can't imagine anyone so rude as to consider uninviting a guest to a baby shower for not bringing a gift. Oh yes I can, my "friend" who offered to host my wedding wanted to tell me who I couldn't invite because she didn't like them. Some people are completely self centered.

Good for you for standing up for yourself and not letting her get away with acting so childish!

edited because I can't freakin spell
 
#10 ·
Thank you for making me not feel like the weird one feeling the way I do!

We will still have the shower, the only time I see most of my family is during bigger 'events' (christmas, 4th of July, ect) so I'm *really* looking forward to this... we are doing burgers and hot dogs, and I'm doing all I can to cut down on the expenses, but we're probably going to have about 30 people there (including kiddos) so just feeding that many costs a bit... thanks for the food ideas! Here's what we're planning on doing:

Hamburgers
Hot Dogs
Buns and condiments
Baked Potatos
Corn on the Cob
Tortilla and homemade salsa (since I can make it for fairly cheap)
A sheet cake
Sodas (generic)... but I do like the lemonade idea... pondering...

So I'm hoping my estimates of $200 is off and I can do it for less.

At least now it will be enjoyable... Oh yes and my "friend" didn't even *know* the other woman! They haven't met each other...

And I'll have my Dh, my SIL, and another good friend to help set up, cook and stuff, so that'll be all ok. I'm just worried about finding the $ to do it. But we'll manage... we do *have* the money, I just don't want to take it out of savings, because it'll only leave us with a very little bit (and I like my security blanket). But it'll be worth it to see everyone and have this nice day I've been looking forward to.
 
#14 ·
I just have to say, what a loser!!! Good job to you for standing up for what is right. You definately did the right thing and everything will work out for you.
Good luck and enjoy your shower. Let dh and/or SIL go and do all the shopping and not tell you how much it is so you don't even have to worry about how much money is spent. Just sit back and enjoy it.
 
#15 ·
I've got it down to about $150... hopefully a little less... and we just got a check in the mail that I wasn't expecting so woo hoo I'm NOT sucking money from savings to do it! I feel much better about it now!

And yes we are using our Sam's membership to save $


It'll be great. I don't mind doing the work, I love decorating, so the only real issue was the $ one. Of course I'd rather not be spending this $, but hey at least we can, and at least its not going to suck the savings account dry.

I've got a great friend to help me out... she doesn't have extra $ to spend on helping buy stuff, but she's going to help me prepare stuff to save $, help me set stuff up, clean up, whatever needs to be done. She did the same for my wedding when we were doing it mostly ourselves. Couldn't contribute finacially but she sure put in every ounce of effort she could!
 
#16 ·
As you've probably guessed, your friend is so socially WRONG it's not even funny. Gifts are never required. "disinviting" someone based on whether or not they'll give a gift and how large is beyond atrocious behavior.And hostesses do not leave all the party planning for the guest of honor. And guests are not generally expected to provide their own refreshments at a hosted party to be *entirely* correct, though most people cheerfully will in order to enjoy each other's company. But requiring it for admission, or assigning items too specifically is also not so cool.

Cookies or poundcake and punch at a nonmealtime party is another moneysaving idea. But your menu sounds great. I'd do iced tea and lemonade rather than soda, too.
 
#17 ·
Hey Lisa...

I knowit is probably not the shower you dreamed of, but it might actually turn out ten times beter this way.At least if you are doing it yourself then you don't have to deal with the issues that arrise from other peoples CRAP!!!

I am sorry, because I had a similar experiance wiht my first baby shower, hence why I did my OWN this time . It was small and simplea dn I was ok with it that way. I had a thousand times less chaos as well.

The friend who was supposed to host the shower for me( 1st one) was a complete flake and about as helpful as a tack in the foot.

She basically just made things harder and did nothing to help. I was hurt and angry and it took me a long time to get over that one.

( details: friend shows up before the shower and watche sme load up the car as she chats about ?somehting?? else. We get into her car.She ahs never been preggers beofre and drives way too fast to the place we are having the shower..needless to say it was apoinful drive there...we gget there and she elaves to go help her SIl stich up a neighbirs dog...she comes back and stays roughly twenty minutes....then she elaves. I prep all food, do all decorations, get myself ready and then...clean every thing up and load stuff up inot MILsc ar so she can give me a ride home . fried also pockets money for punch and never buys ingrediants as well....eyars later hse has enver given me back my ten bucks.she was NOT a vet by theway ..just a vet student who had a glorified idea of her skills and really should nOT have touched teh nieghbors dog wiht out their permission but took it upon hers elf to diagnose and treat ANy animal she htought was ill at any time..so the dog who MIGHT need stitches was of course a thousand times more importnat and probably more fun than my stupid little baby shower.I paid for every thing and my BP went up even more. It was great.Never again. from here on out I either do it myself or it does not occur.Fool me once, shame on you..fool me twice, I am a fool..or something along those lines.)

I think I might still be bitter. What do you think ?
 
#18 ·
Aw Avonlea!
Well at least I know what I'm avoiding by doing it myself huh? Stress is no fun. Stress during pregnancy is worse, because no one wants to stress out their kiddo! I hope your 2nd shower was much better! I too end up being the person who does everything, for both my events and for other people's... just seems how things boil down. I'm getting used to it. And I felt the entire time that her throwing the shower just felt "wrong". I put it off to that I was stressing too much, that she was busy with her wedding, that she was being flakey and it'd be fine. Guess I shoulda just listened to my gut in the first place...

I got the bags of stuff she already bought (tableclothes and decorations) and again I'm just
because she KNEW it was a co-ed shower, and she KNEW I didn't want it *so* froo froo because I wanted the "manly men" who were going to not feel out of place... so what are the bags filled with? The girliest froo-froo pink and blue bells and babies and really girly favors (not put together and missing componants too), and a really cheesy "baby bingo" that I would be totally uncomfortable making the men play because they'd be all
: about it...

She also knew that I wanted a blue celestial theme. No. None of the stuff is celestial, well aside from some star shaped suckers. Its decorations that look like they are from the 60's, the blue and pink bells and poofy storks and stuff... so ARG she was just gonna do whatever the heck she wanted anyways... And ok, ok, it was her $ to do with as she wanted, but when I told her I'd like it to be more like a picnic she agreed with me and told me no problem.

So I'll use what I can, and ditch the really stupid stuff. Again another good point about us doing it ourselves. I will have it just how I WANT it, without having to worry I'm upsetting or dismissing anyone.

A question for those suggesting punch/lemonade... I know I can get a big jug of concentrate for cheap, but I have nothing to mix it in to serve it... So in order to make it cheaper than soda (I've found generic for $3.78 a case) I need a really cheap way to mix up and have LOTS of lemonade/punch available... So a little pretty punch bowl wouldn't do it (if I had one, or could hunt down someone to borrow one from)... Any ideas or suggestions? I just want the drinks to be done and forget about it, since I won't have a specific hostess, I don't want to worry about it being empty, or remaking it, or anything. And my SIL would step up and do it, but she's done *sooooo* much for me already I don't want her feeling like she has to step up as the hostess.

And I ordered the cake today... just had to get a really cute decorated one... 1/2 sheet was $24. I know I could have gone cheaper with cookies or pound cake or something, but I really wanted a cute and pretty cake.


I'm SOOO grateful for everyone chiming in that I'm not crazy for not wanting to uninvite someone, or for agreeing that the shower is not *all* about presents... I don't feel like I'm in the wrong, but I did snap at this "friend" after she just wouldn't stop cornering me... pregnancy hormones combined with biting my tounge for a month or so... but no, I won't feel wrong for not telling my broke friend not to come. I may feel a little sheepish that I snapped, and I could have handled it a wee bit better I'm sure, but I held my temper and was nice and polite for a *long* time before snapping and she really was making life very difficult for me by stressing me out and she did need to know that.... ok yeah don't mind me, just having an internal conversation with myself and typing it all out at the same time! :LOL
 
#19 ·
check the bags for a receipt...maybe you can return it! LOL. Or save it for a friend who likes froo-froo. ebay? "shower in a box".

I would borrow plastic pitchers from friends and neighbors and sit them in the fridge or in a plastic box lined with a trashbag and ice or in a cooler. a new or very clean bucket, cooler or trashcan can hold large amounts of liquid. (you can always stash it out of site and assign someone to refill the pitchers from it.) Got any friends that coach kids sports? They might have one of those liquid coolers with the spigot. Restaurants sometime get things in big plastic buckets...maybe you know someone that works with food? Ice tea I boil water in a stock pot or spaghetti pot, turn off, then add tea bags. (do not boil tea bags.) I prefer unsweetened, but if you like sweet, add sugar while it's still a tiny bit warm. Have sliced lemons, and if you can find a friend with mint in their yard to bring some, you'll seem like martha stewart.

You should have a few things you want if you have to do it yourself. So a pretty cake and no froo-froo sound great to me! The least you can do is have a good time at your own party.

Yeah, you snapped on your friend, who was hosting...but I don't think she gave you a choice when she was going to humiliate you by disinviting a friend who wasn't handing over enough $$$$. I would have snapped too. But then I'm like that. Parties are not all about gifts. No wonder people think women are only entitled to one baby shower! And when the grab-fest is de-emphasized, holding your own shower seems less weird...it's about celebrating the anticipation of the BABY, not YOU, yk? So I think it's ok. And witht he invite changes, I think most people will figure out your friend flaked out. Find some sort of diplomatic line to use in case you're asked - like, she had so many things come up, she just couldn't manage to do this too.

Avonlea (love that bitter!) is right...your party already sounds tons better.
 
#20 ·
ugh, sounds like you'll have a MUCH better time without your "friend" as a host. Geez, talk about a power trip. I just had my shower on Saturday and I told people they needn't bring gifts-everyone did, and that was nice, but it was because they wanted to. Like you, I certainly wouldn't have minded at all if someone couldn't afford one or even just didn't want to bring one. I wanted my friend's company. It is not socially wrong at all IMO. However, the way your other "friend" is acting is childish and strange- she obviously has her own agenda, and she sounds like she is not worth getting upset about. The girl not bringing a gift sounds like much more of a true friend. I hope you have a wonderful shower... it will at least be nice as calm now, as it should be
 
#21 ·
for $5 most McDonalds & or Burger Kings will sell you orange drink and let you borrow their big igglo container. You can ditch the orange drink(it smells like the glucose tolerance stuff) and make lemonade or tea in it. Also ask around I bet someone that you know will have a big cooler jug.
Sandi
 
#22 ·
Lisa_Lynn....

You are so right in calling her a "friend"...what a b*^(&). You mentioned a wedding for her coming up...ok, I know I'll be sounding like a vengeful person, but maybe two "good turns" deserve another! UGGHHH. You should tell her your coming and then not show up. Just send her a card...no gift, no money....hey, you didn't go, so why should she get a present from you? And it will suck for her because most catered reception dinners need to be paid for up front....and these days its not uncommon for a "dinner" price per person to be around $ 50.00 each for a wedding and she'll have to pay for it regardless!

Ok, enough vengefulness.....as for your shower to welcome your new litle one....if it wasn't already to late, I would have suggested you do a "pot luck" shower. But it sounds like you've got things under control. I make a MEAN punch and it's CHEAP! I use sherbert and 7-Up. Throw some ice cubes in and it tastes AWESOME. I hope you have a GREAT day and I am sorry your "friend" stressed you.....it looked like she was just waiting for an excuse to bow out. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. Have a wonderful shower!
 
#24 ·
It went well! I had a bunch of friends help me set up and clean up, and we only spent about $200 to do it. I didn't get a lot of "stuff", but that's ok, I didn't expect it, nor did I think that was what the shower was about. But it makes me REALLY glad that this "friend" (guess I should call her an ex friend now huh?) didn't end up throwing it, she would have been livid.

It was a very pleasant and fun afternoon with my friends and family. Just what I wanted.
 
#25 ·
Quote:
Originally posted by Arduinna
Wow!!!!
Hon, your "friend" sounds incredibly rude and completely self centered. Sounds like she wanted out of hosting for awhile and didn't have the balls to just say so or the decency to follow through on the commitment SHE made for herself.

I was thinking the exact same thing. She should have just bit the bullet and done the shower, or cancelled a long time ago instead of making it about all these non-issues, like whether someone will bring a gift or not. She wouldn't normally know that sort of thing ahead of time, for heaven's sake, so why would that even come into play? I'm sure that that sort of thing happens a lot. I know there were a number of people who came to my wedding reception who couldn't afford to give gifts.
 
#26 ·
Yeah I'm confused over the whole issue too, but I'm not letting it bother me at this point. Its her loss we aren't speaking, and her loss she had to be so rude...
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top