Ok must vent. Must whine. Must get this out. Be prepared for a book. *Sigh*
Ok my "friend" who was going to throw my shower. She was really excited about it, offered to do it, and has the $ available to do so (she's pretty well off)... My MIL could have thrown my whole shower (she's going to do a 'mini shower' for her church friends now) with no problem... I didn't ask my "friend" to do this, I didn't hint at it at all.
She has been very flakey about the whole thing. I had to put together and send out the invites (ok she was busy with her wedding, but still a "thanks!" woulda been nice)... I had to call and instant message and bug her like mad to go see my SIL's place where she was throwing the shower. She FINALLY saw it about 4 days ago, but I had to call her like 9 times, and she didn't answer the phone til 10 minutes AFTER we should have been there "Oh sorry I was called into work, and couldn't get ahold of you." (yes I verified that she DID get my answering machine, which is for what? Oh yes, leaving MESSAGES!
). Its not like she didn't have her cell on her all day (which I was calling), and its not like she didn't get breaks she could have called me then... She also had left me an instant message saying "are you there?" Could she have not let me know what was going on? And why didn't she call *me* the minute she got out of work? Why did I still have to track her down??
Ok so anyways, I'm stressed like mad because she's flaking so bad, my poor SIL is stressed thinking she's gonna get stuck throwing the whole thing herself (and this is after my SIL has already let us use her house and has given us *hundreds* of dollars worth of really top of the line baby stuff, including a medela lactina, a beautiful crib, ect)... So at SIL's house, my "friend" and SIL are talking about how my "friend" should have others bring soda and chips and stuff... My "friend" thinks this is a great idea and tells me to tell everyone to do so. I know that a lot of my friends don't have a whole lot of $ (and I think if someone is requested to bring stuff like its a potluck perhaps the invites would have been the place to do so, and would feel odd calling everyone now a week and a half before the shower to ask them to bring sodas and chips...), so I laugh and say "Oh well I'm not sure they can do that, one friend already had to tell me she couldn't bring a gift." Which is true. A good high school friend of mine doesn't have the $ to bring a present (she was appologizing for it). I'm ok with that. The shower is, to me, about celebrating the upcoming birth of my child. Presents are secondary. Guess this isn't the standard thoughs on this though...
:
Sooooo I instant message "friend" today because I need the rsvp list so I can call who didn't rsvp (in case they forgot, I want to see my friends and family, and so we have a good head count). I've been asking for the rsvp list for awhile now... This "friend" has never been a flake before this btw, so its not like I knew I was getting myself into this...
So my "friend" wants to talk about something she says.... then she starts going in on how rude it is for someone to come without a present, and that showers are for the presents, and that she is ONLY throwing a shower so I can get presents, and if she's spending more money on the party than I get in presents she would really rather just buy me a present with said money.
I try to explain that my friend really is broke (she moved back in with mom and dad) and that she's been broke for quite awhile (I know she's so broke that her bank balance hits negatives between paychecks... her ex and her got into a LOT of debt and she's just barely swimming right now), and its known that my friends from high school don't have much money... and that my friend was appologizing for not having a gift.... ok yes, she could spend .50 cents on something. She could offer to help set up or something. Perhaps I'm warped and my broke friend is rude, and I know if I asked her to help set up, or clean up, she would (I just didn't think about it)... I know that she comes off as rude to people who don't know her (really independent and outspoken... we've been friends since we were 14 though, so hey some people grow and mature, and some people have rough spots... we still have a long history and she is still my friend)
Well my "friend" says she doesn't want her at the shower. I'm like what?!
You want me to uninvite her?? No, "friend" says, she'll call and do it... I'm shocked. I mean whatever level of rudeness it is to show up empty handed to a baby shower, its another level altogether to uninvite someone! So I tell my "friend" that I don't want to do that, and that she's pushing me into a corner where I'm going to piss one of them off, and I don't appreciate that. I tell her over and over that I appreciate her throwing the party, I appreciate her spending the money to do so, ect, ect, but I don't want to uninvite my friend because to me the party is more than just about what 'loot' I get (and it'd be stressful as hell too!). I tell her than I understand that yes the party is for me to get presents and such, yes I understand that that is how she views it... I try to nicely explain what a bad situation I'd be put in having to choose one person over the other. I really REALLY try to be diplomatic about it. I honestly do. I beg her to stop stressing me out. I offer to pay for the non gift bringing friend's food. I even agree that my friend is being rude, not bringing a present, but that can't we please let it go to keep me from having to choose one person over the other? To keep me from stressing out? My "friend" says (direct quote) "Well I'd think it would be an easy decision" of whom to piss off, or that it should be 'obvious' to me that I should uninvite one of my best friends....
Soooo I'm pissed. WAY pissed. I've had enough.
I went OFF on her about all the stress she's put me under because of her flaking, and waiting to the last minute, and that this is just over the top. That its horrible of her to be SO concerned about PRESENTS that she's going to make me stress out over one freaking person not bringing something (and this "friend" KNOWS I've been going thru a LOT of stress lately... even said after we got out of SIL's "well now you don't have to stress anymore" all condensending, she can be quite the "know it all" sometimes... usually not a big deal, just a little grating...). So then my "friend" says she'll handle it all. obviously pissed at my outburst. Blows off my request for the rsvp list, even when I explain that its because I want to call people in case they forgot. She says "there will be enough". Like what? Enough what? Presents? People? I can't want everyone who can possible come to come? Especially people I only see 3 or so times a year? (well she did eventually offer to call them for me, after I explained and begged, but I was really snappy and said "No I'm not giving you their numbers. So you can do what, call and quiz everyone on how much $ they are going to spend on my presents?). Just keeps saying "fine I'll handle it". I eventually told her that hey, I don't TRUST that she's doing everything because she hasn't done anything unless I bugged her about it a lot. So then its to the other extreme "fine what do you want me to do, what do you want to do". ARG!
I just wanted to be involved in the fun of picking out stuff, putting together decorations and stuff! Obviously this isn't going to be "fun" anymore! I keep trying to tell her this, try to talk to her, trying to get her to understand my side and why I'm so stressed out, and she refuses to respond to anything except specific questions on the shower...
She goes off to answer a phone call (at 1am?
: ) and comes back oh an hour later and says because of how I treated her she doesn't want to do my shower anymore. She's going to drop off the favors and decorations tommorow with my Dh (she asked when I wanted her to drop the stuff off, and I set it up so I won't be home). Great. I'm figuring out the food budget (its a co-ed bbq). It's gonna be at least $200. That we don't really have.
Ok perhaps I should have just bit my tounge over how I felt. At least then we wouldn't be spending $ we don't have. And then I wouldn't be throwing my OWN freaking SHOWER. But she just pushed my buttons and acted like the queen of 'how to act socially' I just couldn't stand it. I don't CARE if my friend can't buy a present! I want her THERE! I don't CARE if its a big social no-no! I don't care if she comes off as b*tchy to people she doesn't know. Its MY shower and shouldn't my feelings of who I want there matter? Should I be put in a postion of pissing off a best friend just because of some 'social rule'? And wouldn't it just be a big huge social no-no to uninvite someone even if I didn't care too much if she was there or not?
:
I was getting to the point of worrying that my "friend" was going to be mentally counting up the bottom $ of how much $ was spent for presents and be mad if it wasn't "enough". Most of my friends and family don't have a lot of money. I'm sure everyone else would have brought something. But it might be something small, with only 1-3 people spending more than $20 or so (and those 1-3 people are pretty darn generous).... I'm used to this. So is my friends/family. If you have $ and can afford to buy someone something really *nice* for christmas/birthdays/whatevers great! If you can't, no biggie! No one has a lot of $ to burn right now. I understand. The ONLY big thing left we NEED for Orion is a carseat, which MIL says she will buy if I don't get it for this shower....
I loooove presents and goodies and opening gifts of course (does anyone not? :LOL)! But is it just me who feels like its wrong to put SO much emphasis on the presents that you'd uninvite someone if they simply couldn't afford to bring you something? Is it wrong to want this event to be way more about a happy family/friends gathering than a present-a-thon? Am I so far off in my thinking? Really, am I? Dh didn't agree with my "friend" wanting to uninvite the broke friend, but he does think the shower is really about the presents... maybe I'm in the minority....
Well at least I won't have to deal with having negative feelings toward my "friend" at the shower (well at least not face to face huh?). I may have to spend all this $ (can't really not have a bbq when the invites advertise the shower as that huh?) but it will be a peaceful, fun filled event with all the people around me who *matter*, presents or not.
Ok end rant. If you read this whole thing thanks, I'm impressed because I'm sure I babbled on and on there!
Ok my "friend" who was going to throw my shower. She was really excited about it, offered to do it, and has the $ available to do so (she's pretty well off)... My MIL could have thrown my whole shower (she's going to do a 'mini shower' for her church friends now) with no problem... I didn't ask my "friend" to do this, I didn't hint at it at all.
She has been very flakey about the whole thing. I had to put together and send out the invites (ok she was busy with her wedding, but still a "thanks!" woulda been nice)... I had to call and instant message and bug her like mad to go see my SIL's place where she was throwing the shower. She FINALLY saw it about 4 days ago, but I had to call her like 9 times, and she didn't answer the phone til 10 minutes AFTER we should have been there "Oh sorry I was called into work, and couldn't get ahold of you." (yes I verified that she DID get my answering machine, which is for what? Oh yes, leaving MESSAGES!
Ok so anyways, I'm stressed like mad because she's flaking so bad, my poor SIL is stressed thinking she's gonna get stuck throwing the whole thing herself (and this is after my SIL has already let us use her house and has given us *hundreds* of dollars worth of really top of the line baby stuff, including a medela lactina, a beautiful crib, ect)... So at SIL's house, my "friend" and SIL are talking about how my "friend" should have others bring soda and chips and stuff... My "friend" thinks this is a great idea and tells me to tell everyone to do so. I know that a lot of my friends don't have a whole lot of $ (and I think if someone is requested to bring stuff like its a potluck perhaps the invites would have been the place to do so, and would feel odd calling everyone now a week and a half before the shower to ask them to bring sodas and chips...), so I laugh and say "Oh well I'm not sure they can do that, one friend already had to tell me she couldn't bring a gift." Which is true. A good high school friend of mine doesn't have the $ to bring a present (she was appologizing for it). I'm ok with that. The shower is, to me, about celebrating the upcoming birth of my child. Presents are secondary. Guess this isn't the standard thoughs on this though...
Sooooo I instant message "friend" today because I need the rsvp list so I can call who didn't rsvp (in case they forgot, I want to see my friends and family, and so we have a good head count). I've been asking for the rsvp list for awhile now... This "friend" has never been a flake before this btw, so its not like I knew I was getting myself into this...
So my "friend" wants to talk about something she says.... then she starts going in on how rude it is for someone to come without a present, and that showers are for the presents, and that she is ONLY throwing a shower so I can get presents, and if she's spending more money on the party than I get in presents she would really rather just buy me a present with said money.
Well my "friend" says she doesn't want her at the shower. I'm like what?!
Soooo I'm pissed. WAY pissed. I've had enough.
She goes off to answer a phone call (at 1am?
Ok perhaps I should have just bit my tounge over how I felt. At least then we wouldn't be spending $ we don't have. And then I wouldn't be throwing my OWN freaking SHOWER. But she just pushed my buttons and acted like the queen of 'how to act socially' I just couldn't stand it. I don't CARE if my friend can't buy a present! I want her THERE! I don't CARE if its a big social no-no! I don't care if she comes off as b*tchy to people she doesn't know. Its MY shower and shouldn't my feelings of who I want there matter? Should I be put in a postion of pissing off a best friend just because of some 'social rule'? And wouldn't it just be a big huge social no-no to uninvite someone even if I didn't care too much if she was there or not?
I was getting to the point of worrying that my "friend" was going to be mentally counting up the bottom $ of how much $ was spent for presents and be mad if it wasn't "enough". Most of my friends and family don't have a lot of money. I'm sure everyone else would have brought something. But it might be something small, with only 1-3 people spending more than $20 or so (and those 1-3 people are pretty darn generous).... I'm used to this. So is my friends/family. If you have $ and can afford to buy someone something really *nice* for christmas/birthdays/whatevers great! If you can't, no biggie! No one has a lot of $ to burn right now. I understand. The ONLY big thing left we NEED for Orion is a carseat, which MIL says she will buy if I don't get it for this shower....
I loooove presents and goodies and opening gifts of course (does anyone not? :LOL)! But is it just me who feels like its wrong to put SO much emphasis on the presents that you'd uninvite someone if they simply couldn't afford to bring you something? Is it wrong to want this event to be way more about a happy family/friends gathering than a present-a-thon? Am I so far off in my thinking? Really, am I? Dh didn't agree with my "friend" wanting to uninvite the broke friend, but he does think the shower is really about the presents... maybe I'm in the minority....
Well at least I won't have to deal with having negative feelings toward my "friend" at the shower (well at least not face to face huh?). I may have to spend all this $ (can't really not have a bbq when the invites advertise the shower as that huh?) but it will be a peaceful, fun filled event with all the people around me who *matter*, presents or not.
Ok end rant. If you read this whole thing thanks, I'm impressed because I'm sure I babbled on and on there!