Am I crazy for *wanting* my mom around? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 02:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've seen a number of threads on this board from mamas who are concerned about their moms or MILs coming for an extended visit when their babies are due. My mom (who lives an 8 hour drive away) is coming 1 1/2 weeks before my due date, and she's planning on staying 4-6 weeks. She did the same thing both times my sister was pregnant, and I've been really looking forward to her visit. My maternity leave starts when she gets here, so we'll have a lot of time together. She's going to help me scrub the house, and she's really good at organizing, so we'll re-do my linen closet and re-organize my basement storage, etc. Then after the baby is here, she'll do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. until I feel up to it. My dad and my sister are coming for a long weekend a couple weeks after my due date, too.

So, do you all think I'm nuts? Am I over-estimating my ability to deal with people so close to my baby's birth? Mom and I are quite close, but it's not like she never drives me crazy, mom-style. We do best one-on-one; it's when we're with the whole extended family that she drives me craziest . She was indispenable to my sister, and I've just been assuming that her help will be as valuable to me. Did any of you choose to have your moms (or MILs) come help around the time your babies were born, and if so, how'd it go?

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#2 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 03:15 AM
 
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I am so jealous!! There is no way my mom could take off that much work but I would love it if she could. Now my MIL is another story...

I am so happy for you that you get your mom around for that long! VERY jealous!

Mommy to THREE sweet boys & ONE sweet girl + a newb due in February!  I need a nap. 
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#3 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 03:37 AM
 
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I can understand the concept intellectually. And I dearly love my mother. I just know that I personally would go insane (particularly since I'm keeping the UC plans on a need-to-know basis (i.e. me and dh and Aka_chan).

You're not crazy, you've just got a different personality and that is all kinds of cool. I'd bet there are more people like you out there, but people who want their moms are less likely to vent about mom visiting on an online message board.
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#4 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 03:45 AM
 
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No you're not crazy! My mom and sister are coming Monday to help me clean and organize and generally get ready for the baby. Since they live here in town they're not staying at our house, but I'm really looking forward to spending time with them and their help will be fabulous since organization is not my strong suit.

It would be nice if she could be around as much as your mom after the baby. Although if she stayed here my DH might not be completely happy. He a very private person and doesn't really like having anyone in our house for more than a day or so.

Sure she can drive me a bit batty sometimes, but we have a relationship where I can say, "Mom, enough about. . ." or "Mom, I love you but let it go." and she respects me enough that she will.

I kind of wish she would be around for my labor and delivery. I asked, but she said she wasn't sure she'd handle it well. She doesn't say much but I get the impression the her labor with me was painful and scary. It was long and there was piticoen (sp?) and it ended in a c-section. She's usually such a calm, practical person in stressful situations, but this seems to scare her. So, I'm not pushing the issue.

Anyway, no I don't think you're crazy. I think it's great that you have a good relationship with your mom.

Kristy, wife to Josh proud mama to Katie: since 3/08 and Emma since 8/12.

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#5 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 06:36 AM
 
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We live overseas so its a bit more special for me to see my mom...but she's coming for a month and will be my coach so i'm totally excited! My DH will be writing his dissertation the same month of birth so we will need the help! plus i'll have a 2 year old DS to watch....i'm happy she's coming! we're very close tho. MIL...no thank you.
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#6 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 08:55 AM
 
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Most people I know have their moms come and stay (either with them or somewhere locally) for about a month to help out. It's very common in my world, and usually - save minor conflicts that are normal for mother-daughter - it's an enormous help. Especially if you're close and rely on her and trust her advice - it can be a lifesaver.

Just clarify what you need and don't need, and want and don't want from her. Do you want lessons on how to bathe the baby, or help with nursing? Do you want advice? Are you having her there so she can take the baby so you can rest, or do you want her to keep your household running (food, dishes, laundry, cleaning) so you can focus completely on the baby and resting? Try and clarify your needs to avoid any confusion.
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#7 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 10:28 AM
 
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Sounds like you have a fantastic relationship with your mother! That's so great! My mother has gone so far as to call my in laws to tell them that she's coming to visit us FIRST because I am having the baby this time (my wife had our last) and so she thinks it's her turn to meet the grandchild first. She lives 7 hrs away but so do my inlaws. She will not be very helpful. Mostly she will try to hold the baby and tell us what we should be doing. She will not clean much, nor will she cook anything that we're interested in eating.

We always have to put down FIRM boundaries even when it's just a regular visit let alone after a new baby arrives and visits are always stressful.

If I had a Mom like yours I'd be much more interested in having her around before and after having a baby. I think lots of people who complain about mothers or MIL's coming are more in my situation than yours.
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#8 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 10:35 AM
 
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every mom/daughter dynamic is different. i personally loved having my mom there for my births, and with my second birth she came about 2 weeks ahead of time. looking back, i think i actually would've preferred for her to come a little closer to the time and stay longer afterwards, but i had no clue i would end up being 4 days late (#1 was almost 2 weeks early). unfortunately because she's a college professor and this baby is due before the semester is over, she's going to have to just come the day of the labor, and probably will only get to stay a couple days afterwards before needing to go home. but luckily she only lives 2 hours away and after school is done will be visiting frequently throughout the summer. i'm really looking forward to it. i love my mom, and so do my kids!
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#9 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 11:00 AM
 
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My mom drives me nuts sometimes, but I'll be glad that she's around after the baby is born. She came down (she's a 3 1/2 hour drive away) when DS was born and she was a great help to me even while we were still in the hospital and then the day we came home.....but then she seemed to feel like she was intruding or something and left the next day, even though she'd taken a full week off of work. I really could have used the help, since I'd had a c-section and could hardly get off of the couch. But we've talked about that and I've assured her that she was NOT intruding and that she'd better not do that to me this time! This time around will be a bit different - she'll stay with DS as soon as she gets here (which is why I'm under strict instructions to call her as soon as I go into labor) and she'd better stay the full week this time, because I will need all the help I can get! She's kind of bummed that she won't actually get to be there this time when the baby was born (she's the one that went into the OR with me when DS was born), so I think she will stick around this time just to get as much time with the baby as possible.
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#10 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 11:08 AM
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I don't think having your mom around should be too much of an issue if you want her there. I know I was very lonely after my first was born (DH in Iraq) so I went to stay with my mom for 6 weeks.

I just wanted to caution you about your maternity leave. I don't know if you have the usual 6-8 weeks, but if you start your leave 1.5 weeks before your baby is due and your baby arrives 2 weeks late you may only have 3 weeks at home with your baby before you have to return to work. Just wanted to put in my .02 in case your time is limited.
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#11 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 11:43 AM
 
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You're definitely not crazy. I would LOVE for my mom to come and stay when the baby comes. I don't think that could happen in this case because we don't have a guest room, we live across the country from my parents, and my mom works more than fulltime.

I think it just depends on the relationship between the pregnant woman in question, and her mother. It's a time of redefining the relationship, especially for first-timers; the mother has to be someone who respects her daughter's new authority. In my case, I'm not worried about that, as my mom already treats me like an adult, is nonintrusive, and is very good with boundaries.

It probably also makes a difference whether the parenting styles of the two moms in question mesh well. Obviously anything the daughter chooses to do differently could be a matter of contention, depending on the personality of the mother; the weeks before and after birth are no time to be defending birth plans, parenting styles, etc. In my case, my mother breastfed all of us and was seeing a midwife while pregnant with my brother (but that ended up being an extremely high-risk pregnancy), so we already see eye-to-eye on a lot of things.

Mara, mama to two boys born 05/2009 and 04/2011, after four miscarriages. 

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#12 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 11:58 AM
 
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I don't think you're crazy! It sounds like you have a good relationship with your mother and that she's really the helpful sort!

I think the posts with complaints or thoughts about never wanting mothers or MILs present come from folks who aren't fortunate enough to have that in their lives. (include me in that group, btw)

Neither my mother or my MIL *shudder* would be at all helpful postpartum. My MIL thinks she's a queen and needs to be waited on hand and foot whenever she visits. She had baby nurses for her kids and never nursed. She's pretty sure we're crazy for raising our kids the way we do.

My mother is retired now and too busy golfing, drinking, and generally playing to bother to visit her grandkids (or kids) and longer.
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#13 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 12:29 PM
 
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I think that sounds great. I'm sure my mom would be a big help to me too. She does often drive me crazy though. I think I'd rather not have her or anyone else there for the birth and the couple of days after as I'll just want to sleep and won't want anyone trying to take my baby.

Also keep in mind that her baby advice may not be up to AP/NFL, you should take her advice with a grain of salt, as they say.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#14 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 12:39 PM
 
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no way, you're not crazy at all! my mom came out and stayed with us from around 2wks before my EDD (my parents are in NC and we're in MI). i ended up having dd 2 weeks late, and my mom stayed until 2-3wks PP. it was a god-sent! my two best friends were both preg in their 1st tris and working, so they didn't have a lot of free time. sitting alone all day just feeling like i was waiting would have made me crazy. my mom was great at helping me get the house cleaned up and organized. she also was a really great buffer person for me. there were days i just didn't want to talk about being pg or babies, and if i told her, she would always find a way to make a joke or ward off a nosy store associate when we were out. it was great! and after dd arrived, she kept up on the diaper washing, cooking and cleaning, so dh and i could just settle into being "mom and dad."
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#15 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 01:08 PM
 
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My mom stayed for 2 months when ds was born and 1 month with dd. It was wonderful! She was here for the births (ds was born with me leaning back into my mothers arms) and did everything around the house, I mean everything for the following weeks. We get along great although we do have mutual tolerance limits....typically around 5 days. We were able to cast our annoyances aside for those times though. It was gold and I'm so very happy and lucky that I got to share the first weeks of my baby's lives with my own mother.
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#16 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 01:42 PM
 
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My mother came for a week after ds was born and it was amazing. I had an emerg c/s and she came the day after I got home from the hospital. She cooked all the meals, cleaned like a mad woman, organized, built shelves etc.
I was also very grateful for her advice. Ds was fussing quite a bit and she was the one who told me I wasn't drinking enough water, my milk supply was low. At one point, when I hadn't slept in 1.5 weeks, she even took ds to bed with her so I could get 3 hrs sleep.
She is coming this time too and I am super excited. She can entertain ds, and cook.
She loves to be busy, so I am sure she will do the deep cleaning I haven't done....walls, cupboards etc.

My mom is awesome.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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#17 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 02:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the reassurances, ladies! This is my first baby, and I just thought there might be something I was missing about having guests... It's nice to hear that many of you have had good experiences with your moms coming to help with your new babies!

CEG - thanks for your concern about my materity leave. I am so fortunate to work for a flexible boss: I work full-time from the office now, but after my baby comes, I'll be working part-time from home, starting basically when ever I feel ready! So I don't have to worry about a time-limit. Yes, I know how lucky I am

Thanks again for your stories, mamas!

(and congrats to WeasleyMum on the BFP! )

treehugger.gif geek.gif Mama to Lauren Philippa Elethea (3) energy.gifand expecting a little Jay bird March 2012! 3rdtri.gif

 

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#18 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 03:26 PM
 
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you aren't crazy...I wanted my mom around when I had my first. and second. and third.

I lived with her when the boys were born so it was possible but I will just have to get over not having her this time!

Jami (25) Roland (27) & Caleb (5), Jacob (3.5) , Kaitlyn (2)
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#19 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 05:19 PM
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my mom and mother in law live just 5 minutes from me.. and I loved every second of help that they gave! So, I say having your momma there is great!! Plus, just imagine how you would feel if your daughter didn't want you around when she had her own children... I think I'd feel pretty crappy if that ever happened!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#20 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 05:20 PM
 
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I would love to have my mom around if she was alive so no I dont think you are crazy at all! On the other hand I don't really want my mil around for any period of time other than a short visit so I can see both sides
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#21 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 06:39 PM
 
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I would LOVE for my Mom to stick around and help for so long. I don't think that you are crazy AT ALL!!
Enjoy your time with her.
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#22 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 08:12 PM
 
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You're not crazy at all. I live in Europe and it's not cool at all to have your mom around for a birth. All my friends here thought I was nuts. Well, I was the last one laughing because it was awesome (and they saw how positive it was ) My mom came for two months. She came 3 weeks before the birth and we had a great productfull time doing all the "final" stuff. Dh talked with her about the birth and they understood each other and what was expected as far as rolls go during the birth. she ended up coaching me during pushing and it was AMAZING to have her there. (Dh kind of found himself not knowing at all how to help me though we had gone over things a million times)
After the birth she was a total savior. She did cleaning, cooking, juicing, and helped me every time I was concerned about something and gave tons of encouragement to us. (she had a home birth and was a LLL leader so she'd btdt)

DH I sooooo recommend having mother around!

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#23 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 09:09 PM
 
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I like having my mom around but part of that is because I can tell her when she is bugging me and she stops. She is also very supportive of the way I parent, simply because she is supportive of me. I mean I breastfeed and co-sleep and she thinks that it makes me a great mom but I suspect that if I formula fed and CIO she would also think I was a great mom.

I think most people who are expressing horror at having mom or MIL around are doing so because they fear having to argue their point about child raising at 3 days ppm.
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#24 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 09:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilkat View Post

CEG - thanks for your concern about my materity leave. I am so fortunate to work for a flexible boss: I work full-time from the office now, but after my baby comes, I'll be working part-time from home, starting basically when ever I feel ready! So I don't have to worry about a time-limit. Yes, I know how lucky I am
Good to know (jealous over here ) . I have heard of some people getting a nasty surprise burning their leave while waiting for baby, so I thought I would mention it.
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#25 of 25 Old 02-17-2008, 11:02 PM
 
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I wanted my mom at my son's birth from the moment I knew I was pregnant. She and I have always had such a strong bond that is so much more than genes, and I knew she would know me and know what to do when no one else would. Oh, I'm SO glad she was there! She played many different roles, from helping my husband with the birth pool to calling my midwife to following me around with a popsicle that I wanted between contractions and then shoved back into her hand when one hit.

Follow your own instincts on this one!
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