How did your relationship with DP/DH change for the better after baby? - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 9 Old 04-09-2008, 05:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Everyone agrees that your relationship with your partner changes after the birth of your first child. I have been feeling worried about the possible negative changes that we may go through and I was hoping that you wonderful people could just tell me a few ways that your relationship with your husband (boyfr, whatever) actually improved, or changed in a new and unexpected way that turned out to be positive. That would really help me relax. thanks MDC
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#2 of 9 Old 04-09-2008, 06:20 PM
 
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We learned more about each other. Our beliefs, morals, expectations, fears, weaknesses, childhood, everything. He got cuter. I never would have imagined how truly sweet he was until I saw him playing with a babe!
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#3 of 9 Old 04-09-2008, 07:21 PM
 
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There is nothing sexier, more touching, and thought provoking than seeing your dp love on the baby that came from your body.

One of my favorite ideas from Spiritual Midwifery, you are now not only lovers and friends, you are connected on a deeper level. You are related. You have a common blood relative.

Even though a baby brings new stresses, anxieties, work and the unknown in a way that has never been present in your life, you seem to be able to work things out more easily, because, well... you have a baby together! Those little things just don't seem as important, and working out the big things seems more worthwhile.


I am not crunchy enough for this forum. Everyday I get a little crunchier though! :
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#4 of 9 Old 04-09-2008, 07:28 PM
 
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Before our son was born, DH worked a full day, came home in the evening, and we hung out together... or not. Weekends, we went out together... or not. I'd go shopping or whatever by myself, no big deal. He was always there.

After DS was born, I found that I truly *missed* him whenever we were apart. The weeks he took off from work after our son was born (three weeks completely, five more working 2 days/week) we got along soooo much better than we were used to! No bickering, sniping at each other... we were in tune and on the same page.

Now that our son is 3.5, I still resent every minute we have to be apart as a family, and dream of a day when we don't have to have a full-time employee to keep health insurance running. I do things like meeting him for lunch when it fits my schedule.

And the time that it's just the two of us is even *more* special and rare. Many days we drop DS off at school, then I drop DH off at work... and it's so neat getting that little 15 minutes of grown-up chat in the middle of an otherwise hectic morning.
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#5 of 9 Old 04-09-2008, 08:47 PM
 
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having children has strengthened my bond with DH in a way that i could never have imagined. we have been married for nearly 9 years now, and i truly believe that we love each other more every day.

i'm convinced that our relationship would not be this intense if we had not had children together. there is nothing more intimate on this planet than watching your partner give birth to the child you have conceived together.

that said, the first 6 months to a year of being new parents can be brutal -- and was the true test for us of whether we work as a couple. we survived it, but i think it was because both of us accepted that a new baby is a time of complete selflessness.
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#6 of 9 Old 04-09-2008, 08:55 PM
 
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I think when it is just the two of you, there is some pressure to have things in common. Since having a child we always have her in common. We do things together as a family constantly, so when it comes time for him to go for a run by himself, of me to get some sewing done, it's no big deal. He likes what he likes and I like what I like and we will always have the children in common.
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#7 of 9 Old 04-09-2008, 09:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by klink2 View Post
I think when it is just the two of you, there is some pressure to have things in common. Since having a child we always have her in common. We do things together as a family constantly, so when it comes time for him to go for a run by himself, of me to get some sewing done, it's no big deal. He likes what he likes and I like what I like and we will always have the children in common.
GREAT! Sometimes I marvel that our relationship works as well as it does given how very little we have "in common." This is good news!
Thanks everybody. Keep 'em comin! I'm gonna sleep well tonight.
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#8 of 9 Old 04-10-2008, 02:17 AM
 
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All the bonding that you have done with this baby inside you is so awesome and finally when that baby comes out DH gets to share that experience in a real way with you. Its almost like they just dont get that a baby is really coming? and when its actually there they bond with that baby and with you like you never thought possible.

Also your love deepens and matures. Sure there is more stress at times but because you have someone to go through it with it somehow isnt so bad and it makes you feel like you truely have a partner in life. I think men want to feel needed and woman want to feel loved and when you have a baby you really really need him in everyway and when he experiences you giving life to his baby he loves you more then he ever thought possible. Its all so incredible. I am on #5 and just writing this makes me so anxious to have this baby because that first year is so wonderful!!!

Angela: Catholic Homeschooling Mom to Sierra(11/00), twins Addison & Kendall(3/03), Jack(4/06), Brielle (7/08), Levi (2/2011); due with#7 (9/13). Birthed every witch way.....hospital. C section. VbAC. Unassisted water birth (hypno/painless). Assisted waterbirth to an almost 10lber! (Not painless!)
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#9 of 9 Old 04-13-2008, 10:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by chic2chic View Post
that said, the first 6 months to a year of being new parents can be brutal -- and was the true test for us of whether we work as a couple. we survived it, but i think it was because both of us accepted that a new baby is a time of complete selflessness.
I would have to echo this. For us, the first few days were a time of wonder at this little thing we had made, but then the sleeplessness started to take its toll, and I had some battles with PPD (fairly minor PPD, I shudder to think what major PPD would be like), and DH really doesn't function well without sleep, and, well, we had to work really hard to get through the first six months, and there were times when I just didn't want to try any more.

Now that we've made it through that, in fact, DS just turned 5, I would have to agree with the pp who said that they now would always have the children in common. DH can do his thing when he needs to , I can do mine, and there's no worries about the other feeling left out, because we have family in common, and it's a bond that holds us together even more strongly than we were pre-children, but also lets us give each other more distance without worry or jealousy. It's as if DS is this constant representation of the bond we have with each other and each with him, and everything is more comfortable than it was before.

You do learn a lot more about each other as well. I mean, you think you've talked about everything you could possibly talk about, since you've been together for years, but then something comes along that you had no idea you disagreed on, because it just isn't something that even occurred to you pre-children. In our case, DS is starting school, and I wanted to put him in French Immersion (we're in Canada, so we have that option). DH was dead set against it. We had a whole discussion around it where I learned things about the way he thinks that I just hadn't known before, because it had never come up, and we've been together for years and years!

I guess, for me, having children can throw lots of challenges at you and your partner, but getting through those challenges can bring you closer together than ever before, and you have your children to remind you of why you're working through these challenges together. We're more of a team than we were before.

Sorry, that got rather long-winded!
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