Need help, adivice, accidentally pregnant, please don't flame. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 12:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have 2 very spirited boys almost 6 and almost 4, and I am often completely overwhelmed. I am SAHM and we homeschool. My house is tiny, we have one car, and bam suddenly I am pregnant with number 3. This is a total accident. I am so upset. I am about to be 38 years old and I can't even imagine going through another pregnancy, little baby, etc. Part of me says no way and then part of me days oh, what if it was a girl? And then larger parts of me say: we have no room, no money, and I am finally doing stuff for myself again. These last years have been very hard for me as I have 2 spirited boys. I can't imagine another. I just can't believe this has happenned. On top of it all I just found out while I was out of town, and I am at a big family gathering having to pretend everything is OK while secretly crying in the bathroom.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to proceed or how to even function. Please don't flame me, I know many people here are trying to get pregnant, and I worked hard for my two boys. They were definitely planned. I just don't think I can do it again.

, mama to DS(7/)22/02) DS (8/14/04) , and an angel (3/10/10)nursing a broken heart...loving my boys.
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#2 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 12:29 PM
 
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Can you give yourself a few days off? I know it's totally overwhelming and probably consumes your every waking thought, but nothing's going to change over a few days' time. Give yourself a little space to breathe and absorb the shock and go easy on yourself as much as you can.
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#3 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 12:57 PM
 
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I'm sorry you're faced with this.

Take a deep breath and discuss things with your DH. Talk about your feelings and his...all of them. The two of you can decide how to go forward.
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#4 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 01:06 PM
 
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I'm sorry you are being put in such a difficult position. It sounds really tough.

It's ok that you aren't sure you want to keep this baby. That is your right. It's important to think through all of the possible results and make a decision with your partner. It would not be a good idea for you to work through this on your own and then discover your partner had a very different idea of what should happen.

I could offer up possible solutions, but you know them as well as anyone. So instead I will just tell you that I'm sorry you are facing such a hard choice.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#5 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 01:17 PM
 
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I am sorry that this has happened. I do believe that things happen for a reason. I have lots of friend and family that are older and their biggest regrets are not having more kids. I have two high spirited boys myself and I am pregnant again, planned, and I find myself thinking WHAT AM I DOING. I am not to familiar with home schooling but maybe you could find someone to trade off with so you wouldn't have to have the kids every day. Or maybe start a mom's group so you have some adult conversation while the kids are playing. One day your kids will be gone from home and we mothers will look back and miss these days. Don't be to hard on yourself. I do feel your pain and pray that God will fill you with peace. Who knows, this next child may grow up to cure cancer or be president. ((((Hugs))))
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#6 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 01:28 PM
 
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You have a lot on your plate. You sound like a very busy mom who is dedicated and devoted to your family. You are raising two future men. You deserve a hand.

You have a big decision to make. Ultimately, it is yours to make. No flames from me, mama. Hopefully, with a little time, you can come to make peace with whatever you choose. I'll be praying that you come to the best decision for you and your family.
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#7 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 01:33 PM
 
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Thinking of you. I'm 37 and expecting #2 (another boy) in August. Even though he was planned I'm still anxious about going through the baby stages, etc. Our son just turned 4 and he is really gaining his indepence and I'm finding mine again, too. So, I feel a little bit of your pain.

Hugs to you and I'll pray that you find your answers soon.
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#8 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 01:35 PM
 
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Have you talked to your DH about your feelings? What does he say? It sounds like you need some time to think this all out.
IME its never the "right" time for another, not enough space or money, but it works out just fine. I never find that it costs much in the baby stage, we CD, cosleep, BW, ect...
I hope you find peace.

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#9 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 01:36 PM
 
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I understand. I was really depressed and surprised and not ready for #3. I spent about half of the pregnancy hopelessly upset about it.

Not sure how I turned things around but to get to the point, My family now feels complete. All is right with the world.

I didnt think I could handle it. Some days I still dont.



Just sending you good happy vibes.

I know that whatever you decide to do and however you handle the situation, you will make the right choice for your family.
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#10 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 01:38 PM
 
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Your story sounds exactly like mine, right down to age and details, so I can sure sympathize. It took me several weeks to come to any sort of peace about it. I would get furious with people who would congratulate me or act excited about it because how dare they just do that without even asking how I felt about it, ya know?

Anyway, I'm sending big hugs and warm thoughts your way as you go through this time. I wish you all the best.

dizzy.gif DS1: 10/89 - DD1: 06/94 - DD2: 02/97 - DS2: 12/05 - DS3: 12/08 - DC6: ETA 04/26/12

I'll be 42 when the newest little one is born! Yowza!

 

 

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#11 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 01:54 PM
 
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I'm sorry you have such a tough choice to make. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate and you already know how much you can handle.

I agree with pp that you should, not try to forget it till you get home (how could you) but wait till you can talk to dh about it before feeling like you have to make your decision.

Also keep in mind that when you do tell dh, you'll have had some days to absorb the knowledge of the pregnancy, while he will be in total shock. You might want to give him a day or two before you have your big discussion.

Hang in there at the family gathering. What a tough situation!

No flames here. Whatever choice you make will be the best one for you and your family.
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#12 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 02:08 PM
 
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Oh this is such a relief, I feel like I'm the only idiot in this predicament! I'm 33 and I have a 14-month-old. I just lost my dog, my daycare provider, and I'm dealing with a couple of heavily depressed people who are very close to me. Basically, I'm overwhelmed.

DH and I decided we were done with 1 child. He was looking into vasectomies. The condom broke 5 days prior to ovulation. What are the odds of conception? DD was also conceived 5 days after intercourse, so pretty good I guess. Truthfully, I've never even had unprotected sex during ovulation and I'm on my 2nd pregnancy. Sorry to those who try & try, I seem to have quite the knack for getting knocked up (wry smile).

Anyhow, I'm so on the fence on this one and DH is pretty set on sticking with the one child. I feel so resentful towards the fetus. It's threatening DD's milk. It's threatening her play time with me, her lap to sit in, her mommy's energy. On one hand, I remember praying for years for a sibling. Has anyone else felt that way? It seems like everyone feels such glee at pregnancy, and here I am having night terrors about it.

I feel your pain, mamapajama! Oh what to do.
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#13 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 02:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
I'm sorry you have such a tough choice to make. It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate and you already know how much you can handle.

I agree with pp that you should, not try to forget it till you get home (how could you) but wait till you can talk to dh about it before feeling like you have to make your decision.

Also keep in mind that when you do tell dh, you'll have had some days to absorb the knowledge of the pregnancy, while he will be in total shock. You might want to give him a day or two before you have your big discussion.

Hang in there at the family gathering. What a tough situation!

No flames here. Whatever choice you make will be the best one for you and your family.
: No flames at all. Whatever choice you make will be right.

Mama to 3 kids. We live in a yurt!
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#14 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 02:31 PM
 
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no flames here just a big hug. i am due in two weeks and still am thinking there is no way i can do this. just take some time and think about it. someone once said you will never regret having children but would regret not having them. it stuck in my mind after dd was born because i had a traumatic birth with her and swore never to have any others. good luck in whatever decision you and hubby decide on.
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#15 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 03:13 PM
 
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I hope you figure out what it best for you and your family.
Maybe start with a list of pros & cons for yourself about being pregnant and having another child.
It's so hard to think rationally with a surprise pregnancy. Definitely been there!

milk donation : mother to Ryan (6), AJ (5), Nate (2), Maia (1) all born at home, I have a kid-friendly food & bento blog, : :
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#16 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 03:19 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamapajama View Post
I have 2 very spirited boys almost 6 and almost 4, and I am often completely overwhelmed. I am SAHM and we homeschool. My house is tiny, we have one car, and bam suddenly I am pregnant with number 3. This is a total accident. I am so upset. I am about to be 38 years old and I can't even imagine going through another pregnancy, little baby, etc. Part of me says no way and then part of me days oh, what if it was a girl? And then larger parts of me say: we have no room, no money, and I am finally doing stuff for myself again. These last years have been very hard for me as I have 2 spirited boys. I can't imagine another. I just can't believe this has happenned. On top of it all I just found out while I was out of town, and I am at a big family gathering having to pretend everything is OK while secretly crying in the bathroom.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to proceed or how to even function. Please don't flame me, I know many people here are trying to get pregnant, and I worked hard for my two boys. They were definitely planned. I just don't think I can do it again.
I have been in your boat before......NONE of mine were actually PLANNED. My first I was sooooo young and in a hard relationship (if you call it that) and I felt like I had ran into a brick wall. Thankfully everything ended up working out and then about two years later....here came unexpected baby number two!! My first had just gotten to the terrible two stage and I was stressed to the max with her and then I find out I am having another!!!! This may sound horrible, but I felt like my little family was being bombarded by a stranger. But eventually I got over it. And as soon as he was born, I was not sure how I lived without him!! I definitely can not imagine life without him now. He is one of my sunshines....makes me smile when I am down. Comes and loves on me and says....I wuv u mommy. So I finish nursing him and then what do ya know....I am pg with my third unexpected. Basically the same negative feelings again....eventually get over it and again....I can not imagine life without him! Jump forward to finishing nursing with him and ......welll you know....I was pg AGAIN with my 4th unexpected baby!!! This one I decided to just embrace from the beginning even though I was really not wanting anymore kids.........btw we were only wanting two kids.......hehe. So I have been getting more excited and any time I have negative feelings, I throw them out and remind myself how everything else turned out...I know everything will be fine. Now I am thrilled to be just days away from holding my new baby girl! A lot of times, I think we just have to convince ourselves to be happy and eventually it becomes reality. Mind over matter if you will....lol

Also I will point out that your first two are relatively close in age and thus probably was harder for you....but with there being more of a gap from your boys to this baby....then I would almost say with certainty that it will be easier for you.

I have a 5 yr old, 3 yr old, 1.5 year old and a new baby that will be here in just days!!! I really think it has gotten easier as my kids got older. My two older ones are such a help with my current youngest.....and I know that it will be the same with the new baby. My three year old is soooo excited and he comes up and lifts up my shirt and kisses and talks to the baby. He is always asking if the baby is awake or asleep and occationally if I have had the baby yet....lol. My oldest was not the happiest at first.....she was not mad, but she was just used to it. Having younger siblings and her mom being pg is the norm for her....lol. But once we went and had the u/s and she saw the baby and found out it was a girl, she started to get excited....and I know she will be even more excited when the baby is actually here. She is amazing with her younger brothers. She helps me like crazy around here. Honestly the house would not be as clean as it is without her helping me.
I really think that your situation will be alright....it just takes a little adjustment period.

*hugs*
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#17 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 03:31 PM
 
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Just another mama chiming in that it is perfectly fine to feel this way.
I'm about 50% devestated that I could have another child and 50% devestated that I could loose this child...
I think it's good to be honest about it and "get it out there."

... and options if you are truely "done"

---feeling like an emu on acid---
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#18 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 05:13 PM
 
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good luck Mama you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I felt very similar when I found out I was pregnant with #1, I couldn't beleive it, everything was wrong with the timing, you name it is was wrong.

I had a full meltdown, I was convulsively crying trying to get myself together. I prayed about it and started to get attached to my baby. But the whole pregnancy I felt so ashamed like I was so irresponsible, how could I have let this happen. Then my son got here, and all that went away. We figured it out and now I feel that i am the most blessed person in the world.

But Mama, if you need support in any decision you make I think you have an entire board of mamas to help. You have to do what's right for you and your family. good luck!!!
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#19 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 08:15 PM
 
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Just wanted to send you a You're not alone...lots of Mommas feel this way. Having a baby is no small potatoes....of course it's going to be overwhelming, especially for someone in your shoes.

I think you have a lot of support and love from the ladies here...we are rooting for you and here to give support!

Me and DH ...lovin' DD dust.gif(6/08) and DS kid.gif(11/09) Plus NEW BABY!! DD baby.gif (UC-5/12) We heartbeat.gif Water Birth/Homebirth/No Vax or Circ/BF/BW/Country Livin'! chicken3.gif

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#20 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 08:51 PM
 
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No flames here, but as a crisis pregnancy counselor, I see this a lot. And I am currently expecting with a 10 month old- totally unplanned. But there are other options, too. Have you considered adoption? At least it could be an alternative. With the hormonal changes in the first stages of pregnancy, you aren't really yourself and thinking like you would if you weren't pregnant. You kind of go into fight or flight mode and are fearful of the future. If you can just wait out this part and discuss everything with dh, perhaps you will fall in love with this baby over the next 9 months. And if you still don't feel like you can raise a third baby, you can always go the adoption route. There are so many variations of adoption nowdays, too- from totally opened to totally closed and everything in between.

Here's an interesting article if you want to read it. Just from one concerned mommy to another...

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/lif...cle3559486.ece
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#21 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 08:55 PM
 
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Hoping you find some peace.

~ Colleen ~ Joyful Unschooling Pagan mama to hearts.gifenergy.gifsuperhero.gifjog.gif and babyf.gif
"When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead."
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#22 of 45 Old 05-09-2008, 11:56 PM
 
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Talk to your DH, give yourself time and make the decision you both feel is right for you family.

Breeder Mama: = wife to an amazing man + mama to J-Bear (07/02) and E-Train (06/08), nanny to Little Bird (07/10).

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#23 of 45 Old 05-10-2008, 04:16 PM
 
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Hi there - this is such a delicate subject, it's hard to say what I want without sounding fake or preachy but here it goes.

I am preg. now with my 4th unplanned baby. We found out the same week my hubby got snipped. I totally feel your struggle. I cried almost every night in bed the first month or two, I'm better now, but I am still like 'whoa'. I don't have very much $$$ or energy and I simply don't know how I'm going to do this without taking from my other kids to some degree.

When my husband and I found out with the other ones, he was always like 'whatever you want to do is fine'. I had always felt like i was strong enough and wanted to have them. This time, it was different. I really did not feel like I could do it. In my soul, it felt like it was too much. I felt empty and exhausted. But my husband wouldn't hear of not following thru with this one. He was sure when I was not. I don't recommend letting someone else influence you too much, but it worked for me.

My nature and beliefs have a lot to do with it. My husband knew I would have a hard time living with myself had I ended it. I am not part of one side or the other on this issue. I believe in what is doing what is right for you and your family. Just think about the long term, what you want your children to have in life. I think siblings are a gift to give to your kids, even if they don't see it that way for 18 years or so. You have to think about your feelings and wants. What is right for me is not right for everyone, so I don't want to come off sounding like that, like I think I have this figured out.

In the end, this is your decision, but it affects everyone else, too. Just take care of yourself, take alot of baths and get as much sleep as possible. If you have a medical plan that will let you talk to someone on the phone you might consider talking this out with a stranger. Women have gone thru this since the beginning of time, you will make it too. My thoughts are with you.

Oh, and our first two were boys, and our 3rd was a beautiful baby girl. I was ok either way, but it was a nice surprise when she was born. I can't wait to see what this new baby holds in store for us now, I am falling more in love by the day.

Take care, breathe, don't think too much until you have some space. :
Sorry this was long.

Elizabeth, mama to 4 kids and 5 chickens.
The grateful recipient of 3 home water births, 1 being an accidental UC.:
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#24 of 45 Old 05-10-2008, 04:40 PM
 
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I have a friend who was in your exact position when she became pg with her 3rd boy. She cried about it for months. And her husband is a loser, IMO...but manages to come through at the last possible second. Her boys are both very spirited as well, so she was thinking 2 was enough. She did not want this baby. At all. Husband did...he's very controlling...different topic, though.

BUT...baby came and she loves him so. She has done a lot of healing this time around. She was sad that she had another boy...she was really hoping for a girl. She can now not imagine her life without him.

I understand the wanting a girl thing, too. I prayed for a daughter since my mother's passing...she had wanted me to have a daughter so much. I really felt I had to have her. I had 3 boys and then was surprised with a 4th pregnancy...and by a daughter!

Best of luck to you. You need to talk about your feelings with dp...the 2 of you WILL figure it out. I am sad that you have have to ask not to be flamed. I would hope people are respectable enough to know that it would inappropriate. :

and and :

If you can't take the heat get out of the Kitchen.
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#25 of 45 Old 05-10-2008, 05:08 PM
 
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Just wanted to send some love your way.

I just found out that I am expecting #4. I was/am very suprised and shocked because I have a 1yo that is a very avid nurser. We only have one car. Hubby just quit his job. I am stuck away from home. You can probably look at some of my other threads and see how rough the last 6 months have been for us.

It is okay to feel lost. It is okay to be afraid. It is okay to want it all to go away. Yes, everything happens for a reason. Things are meant to be, blah, blah, blah....It is really hard to hear all of that when you are drowning with the reality of it all.
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#26 of 45 Old 05-10-2008, 05:18 PM
 
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You'll get no flames from me either. And if anyone does flame you, shame on them!

I've had 3 pregnancies, all unplanned. I have one son, one miscarried baby, and have had one abortion. I don't regret having my son-I love him more than anything else in the world. I chose to give birth to, and raise him because it's what I felt was right. I don't regret having an abortion either--it's what I felt was right for me and my family.

Just take some time to really think about what is best for you and your family. (I'm also a nurse in ob, and was a counselor at Planned Parenthood, so if you have any questions about terminating the pregnancy, feel free to PM me. I have some informative and unbiased links if you need them).

Kelly

Kelly, mama (12yoDS), doula, RN, and writer.
There's no where you can be that isn't where you were meant to be, its easy
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#27 of 45 Old 05-10-2008, 08:15 PM
 
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Hugs and good vibes to you. Add me to the unexpected pregnancy list. If all goes well, baby #2 will be here in January. DH and I both thought we were done at 1, and still can't figure out how this one got here! I think the worst part about the last week has been the feelings of resentment tword this pregnancy. The few people we have told have said congratulations, and I just want to tell them to shut up. Sighh. Anyway, do what feels right for you and your family, and just know there are lots of us out there who were not exactly thrilled at becoming pregnant, and it is a valid feeling. Good luck.
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#28 of 45 Old 05-11-2008, 01:29 AM
 
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I was in the exact same situation. I had two boys (7 and 5), now 8 and 6 years old. I gave away all the baby things (except for my sling) and I did not want to have any more children. Then, BOOM! What happened! I got pregnant again! I was so upset that I cried all day, and several more days after that. Life was getting easier and here I was with third pregnancy. And I do not do well during pregnancy. I threw up for 5 months with my first pregnacy, nauseated entire 9 month with my 2nd. So, with my third, of course, I threw up until 5 months and nauseated for 9 months. I was so sick that I could barely even talk or walk.

Here I am today with my beautiful baby daughter who is 5 months old. I had a wonderful homebirth and she's just adorable. I love holding her, kissing her, and cuddling her. Her skin is so soft to touch and I just love the smell of her breath. I'm just crazy about her.

You know... all three of my pregnancies were OOPSies. I cried each time I was pregnant 'cuase I did not want to be pregnant. With my first, I was newlywed (2 months) and my husband was a full-time student. So, I was really upset. With my second, it was too early for me to be pregnant again (my first was only 11 months old) and we lived in a tiny one bedroom apartment.

What I realized, after three "OOPS I DID IT AGAIN", that you will enjoy your children more than anything in the world no matter how they were concieved (planned or not planned). Yes.. it's daunting to think about all the sleepless nights and back breaking days... but I remember how much I enjoyed my children as a baby. I'm just too crazy about my daughter! I understand why some people want to have many babies. They are too CUTE

Life only gets better! You'll see!

By the way, I made sure my husband got his vasectomy while I was pregnant. Natual Rythem method did not work for us 3 times.
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#29 of 45 Old 05-11-2008, 08:31 PM
 
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You know with reading all of these posts it seems like many of us have all been in the same boat and it seems that most kept their unplanned babies and everything worked out. Just let that be a testamony to you. It will all work out.

I am praying that you find the strength you need to carry on. Everything happens for a reason.

*hugs*
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#30 of 45 Old 05-11-2008, 08:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BlessedOne View Post
You know with reading all of these posts it seems like many of us have all been in the same boat and it seems that most kept their unplanned babies and everything worked out. Just let that be a testamony to you. It will all work out.

I am praying that you find the strength you need to carry on. Everything happens for a reason.

*hugs*
For many reasons, I think it is much easier for women who kept unplanned pregnancies to talk about their experiences than it is for those who didn't.

OP, I hope you've made it home from the weekend ok and that your dh is giving you the support you need.
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