help! thinking of terminating preg...i am 40. - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-24-2008, 12:49 PM
 
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I just wanted to encourage you also that even if you feel like you can't afford to keep/raise another child,there are MANY people who would.We have 6 kids,three are mine by birth,after much female trouble I had a total hysterectomy at 26 yrs.old. We have since adopted three little guys--two of which have Down syndrome,our youngest was "supposed" to also have Ds and didn't! So,even if your baby did have special needs,there are people who would adopt him/her.
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Old 05-24-2008, 12:50 PM
 
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You say that you never look at another baby or toddler and think "I need one", but after the abortion you'll never be able to look at another baby or toddler again without a deep hurting over not having one. Now, nothing is missing from your life. If you choose abortion, you may feel that something big is missing from your life.
Go over to the Pregnancy loss forum and read the grieving an abortion thread. It sounds to me like you really don't want to abort, but you're terrified of what this is going to mean to your family.

I terminated in March, so I speak from experience. I wish I had reached out for advice, like you are. I terminated twins because I was terrified. Now, I see twins and babies everywhere and feel a deep loss. I am now trying to concieve again and just had a chemical pregnancy. I guess that's some sort of "punishment." I didn't want a baby before, but I sure do now.

Whatever the decision

Lisa

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Old 05-24-2008, 12:58 PM
 
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Hello,
I have to agree with Lisa. You will feel a deep loss if you terminate. Think about adoption or just give this little one a chance. The little ones heart is already beating and it is a wonderful little miracle. I think you will change your mind as you go farther in this pregnancy and be happy with the little one. I am not trying to judge you only trying to save you deep heartache.
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Old 05-24-2008, 01:23 PM
 
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I've had a termination in the past...I was instantly hit with "baby fever" and wanted my baby back. I was so sad at what I had done..but not in a deeply traumatized sort of way...more because I am a woman and I do love children and I was hormonal. I worked through the feelings I had and have come to peace with the decision I made. I was way too young, in a terrible relationship and financially was in NOOOO place to have a baby. I didn't know anything, I hadn't started my life yet...I made the decision to terminate because I couldn't have been any kind of mother at all and the baby wouldn't have had a father worth speaking of...it was just not the time. I didn't want the life I was living for my babies. I made the choice I did out of love of children, not because I don't value them.

Now, years later....I'm a day away from my due date, with my first child. I live in a beautiful, peaceful home...with two spirit guide doggies who are going to be the best friends a girl could ask for and with a husband so awesome, I'll tell you, any kid would be lucky to have this man for a father. I have an awesome career to go back to when the baby is old enough...I am ready and able to mother now. I have the money we need to live a green and wholesome life, for me to not worry about working for a while...for us to do this the RIGHT way. I have grown and have made a life that is ready and comfortable for a little one. This was not a planned pregnancy...but it is a blessing, because it's the right time. I'm not saying that without money and things, etc. you shouldn't have kids...I'm by no means rich....I'm just saying that I knew then that I would have had to put my infant in day care as soon as was legally possible and would have been working some crappy job from sun up until sun down and would have been miserable. I wouldn't have been able to parent the way I wanted to at all...hell, at that time I didn't even KNOW how a person should parent.

I don't believe in a Universal spirit that is hateful and lacks understanding to the point where it would punish a mother for making a choice like this. Let's not kid ourselves...this world is a place full of experiences and as powerful and heavy a choice as this is to make...it is a choice that effects a very smal circle of people. We are allowed to make such choices without fear of universal punishment. Now..as for God, well, I don't really know him well...but I've heard that he is a pretty forgiving God and that he understands the reasons we make the choices we do.

Do not let guilt blind you from your gut feeling. Yes, for a long time after a termination, you are going to look at babies and children and you are going to feel a pang of guilt, longing, frustration and sadness. But if this is TRULY the right choice for you to make....you will never feel outright regret. I don't know any woman who made the choice to terminate and regretted it later...sadness, yes, regret...no. So...seek out your own truth. In the protection and shadow of your own heart, talk to yourself about what in this mess of feelings and realities feels right and what feels wrong. If you have this baby, I know you will make it work and that you will love this child. If you don't have this baby...you will grieve, you will mourn...then you will move on with your life.

An embryo does not yet have a story, you are not stopping a story with termination...you are just delaying one. You cannot kill a spirit baby, only the shell it inhabits. When you end a pregnancy in the beginning like this, you are ending an embryo....the spirit baby goes away...to come back to you later or to move on to another mommy. Seek wisdom within and in the comfort of your family circle...you will know what to do and either way you are going to be fine and will have the support of mommies here.....because we all know that sometimes being a mother and a woman means making incredibly hard choices. Life is not always great, sometimes it is downright yucky....but we can be sure in our hearts that we are good and brave and universally ethical people so long as we can always know that our decisions are based on the wisdom in our hearts and that we always do what we feel is right.

My best to you. You cannot make a wrong choice here....only the choice that is wrong or right for YOU. Nobody WANTS to terminate...some do because we know we cannot give to a child what s/he deserves.

Also...to add: People who responded to you with any tone of "you do know what causes this, right?" can just stuff it. That is so wrong and so stupid...you obviously weren't being reckless, accidents do happen and fate throws curve balls every once in a while....let that crap just slide right off of your back, learn what you are meant to learn from this and move on. You have no reason to feel guilty. Anyone who thinks you do had better check themselves before they wreck themselves...it is the smug among us who are handed the most "interesting" twists in life.

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Old 05-24-2008, 04:11 PM
 
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I think the best thing to do is talk to your DH about this. You need to be open and honest with each other about what you feel you can/can't do and what you want.

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Originally Posted by cthulhugrrl View Post
I have terminated a pregnancy before, and I feel completely ok with that decision. If you can make peace with it and know it is right for you, then there is no reason it would haunt you forever.
I agree with this. I have never once regretted having an abortion, even now that I'm pg. I think the big thing is to know what will happen and be sure that it's truly your decision.
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Old 05-24-2008, 07:45 PM
 
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a baby is a gift of life. many people get abortions for whatever reason and end up regretting it. some of these comments such as " i did'nt regret it" or "i felt completely ok with my desision to terminate" really bother me. its as if they take the life they created lightheartedly. i never met anyone who has had an abortion and not regretted it to some degree. abortion does have its time and place. it is something that should not be taken lightly. i wasnt thrilled to get pregnant for the fourth time. i read some of those ttc forums and knew i truly was lucky even though life isn't always easy. a new life isn't the worst thing to happen. i know i will be glad to have all my kids and many grandkids when i get old. good luck with your choice. please keep us posted.

Lisa wife to Ronne and mom to 4 kids ,Thomas 4/92, Amanda 9/99, Christopher 8/06 & Nathaniel 5/08.
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Old 05-24-2008, 08:36 PM
 
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I am not reading the whole thread before responding.

If you feel that this is the best decision, in your heart and in your mind, then proceed. If it is only based on money, money works itself out.

I knew I couldn't handle another pregnancy or baby, I chose to terminate and then got myself sterilized. I am not sad, I think about it sometimes, but only in a "wow, if I hadn't made that decision, I'd be doing this with four children instead of two." I mean that in a grateful and gracious manner, I didn't want my life to be the life of a mother of four. Not that four is awful for anyone else, but for me, it would've been the end of me, physically and mentally.

I really think that if you are done, then get really done. You or your partner need to take a permanent step after terminating to make sure it doesn't happen again.
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Old 05-25-2008, 12:39 AM
 
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Originally Posted by polishprinsezz View Post
a baby is a gift of life. many people get abortions for whatever reason and end up regretting it. some of these comments such as " i did'nt regret it" or "i felt completely ok with my desision to terminate" really bother me. its as if they take the life they created lightheartedly. i never met anyone who has had an abortion and not regretted it to some degree. abortion does have its time and place. it is something that should not be taken lightly. i wasnt thrilled to get pregnant for the fourth time. i read some of those ttc forums and knew i truly was lucky even though life isn't always easy. a new life isn't the worst thing to happen. i know i will be glad to have all my kids and many grandkids when i get old. good luck with your choice. please keep us posted.
I disagree. I don't know anyone who doesn't grieve theirs, personally. But that doesn't mean that what they did wasn't the best thing for them. .

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Old 05-25-2008, 11:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you again fellow moms...I am still up in the air with this...I do want to add that if I have the baby, I would keep it.Adoption is wonderful,but I do have 2 kids who would love a sibling.On the selfish side,I would be 50 with a 3rd grader and my hub would be almost 70 with a high school graduate.That really scares me.The whole termination thing is so scary...I feel like it is an underground operation...I would have to go to a clinic in another county! I only wish sterilization was covered by insurance. We spoke of this for the past few years. I keep praying and looking for answers. Thank you again for letting me speak of my worries and fears....I have nobody else to talk to.....just my hub. He is torn.But 70 scares him as well.
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Old 05-25-2008, 02:03 PM
 
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Good luck with your descision mama.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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Old 05-25-2008, 02:31 PM
 
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Pattigirlny, why don't you check into the pregnant over forty thread? Obviously our choices don't have to be yours but it might help to hear the perspective of some women who chose to be pregnant on the older side. I will be 49 with a third grader, and so I understand the fear...but I also think it will be ok. I don't have an iron in your fire, I wouldn't judge you at all if you choose to terminate the pregnancy, but just from your own words it sounds as if you are worried but not really wanting to end this. I would hate for you to terminate and regret it.
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Old 05-25-2008, 04:13 PM
 
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For another angle, I am 43 expecting #3, and already have a 17-year old and a 9-year old. I'm expecting it to be even easier than ever, due to the big kids. They're ecstatic, and will be a huge help to me. They're great with babies and little kids.

When I had my son at 35 it was even easier than my first pregnancy at age 26 because my daughter was 8 and she was such a big help to me, toting him around, entertaining him, etc.

We're super excited. In my experience, babies keep you young. And you've got lots of potential help.

Hey, if you decide you don't want to do it again, I would totally understand. I'm just saying, sometimes in our minds we anticipate things being harder than they actually will be. A lot is your attitude about it. If you want to do it, make it work!

Good luck with the decision making part.
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Old 05-25-2008, 10:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by pattigirlny View Post
Thank you again fellow moms...I am still up in the air with this...I do want to add that if I have the baby, I would keep it.Adoption is wonderful,but I do have 2 kids who would love a sibling.On the selfish side,I would be 50 with a 3rd grader and my hub would be almost 70 with a high school graduate.That really scares me.The whole termination thing is so scary...I feel like it is an underground operation...I would have to go to a clinic in another county! I only wish sterilization was covered by insurance. We spoke of this for the past few years. I keep praying and looking for answers. Thank you again for letting me speak of my worries and fears....I have nobody else to talk to.....just my hub. He is torn.But 70 scares him as well.
I got the impression that you would qualify for Medicaid. You should know that Medicaid will pay for a tubal for the 1st year after baby is born. There is also a program called "Take Charge" in my state, and your state may offer something similiar. here's the webpage
http://fortress.wa.gov/dshs/maa/fami...ent%20Page.htm
you might be able to google some phrase or something off the page and see what you can find, or contact your county's health dept, or the WIC office and ask for direction.
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Old 05-26-2008, 03:44 AM
 
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I'm not very old, just 27, but even thinking about being 70 scares the $%&* out of me! Even more so being 70 without kids! I'd have to hope that I end up in a niehborhood that would notice if I didn't get my mail for a while (think "I've fallen and I can't get up" situation), or would bother to check on me during power outages. Not that common in this "mind your own business" world now a days. My children are a comfort that at least I will be remembered as more than "that old lady" or "Mrs. so-and-so in 214" and even if they only call for money, they might worry if I don't answer the phone, and I won't die alone and only get discovered a month later when my rent is due. Plus I'm leaving behind people who are becoming real eco-freaks (through no fault of my own : ) and at least will have a hand in improving our world a bit long after I'm gone!

My husband just lost his job this month. He's been out of work for 3wks and our bills require at least 2000 a month but the only jobs available might bring in 800. We have 2 kids (6 and 3) and this new babe on the way (15wks) and have no idea if we'll still have a home in 4months. But termination hasn't even crossed my mind. Not having this baby won't prevent me from turning 70 and it won't prevent us from losing the house. It will be just one more burden of stress and guilt to add to this awful mess we're in. It's people like us that Medicaid was made for. I have no qualms using it. I take pride that everytime we could afford our bills and food on our own ticket I would sign off Medicaid and free up that funding for someone like I am now. When we can do that again, I will again be grateful that program was there when I needed it. There are people who lie and cheat to use it even when they could afford preg. on their own (I know one) and it's them who should feel ashamed for using it! Not people who actually need it!

I could never lose this baby on purpose. I've lost three in a row through no choice of my own, fantasizing that somebody would just hand me their unwanted child instead of throwing them in a waste bin, and last year was the most painful year of my life. I was so naive before. Babies don't just come as easily as people think, as I used to think, they are a gift. Not easily replaced, not replaced at all. They only come when they are meant to, to specific chosen people, with a purpose, for a reason, their story already written. Why else would perfectly healthy couples have fertility problems for years and sterilized couples using multiple forms of contraception get pregnant? This life is worth more than this house I love, more than my clothes, my food, and my pride. And I have ALOT of pride that I protect a bit too much

Everything can be built up again and replaced, but not this unique once-in-a-lifetime child. There are three people on the otherside who I won't ever meet unless I die. I don't want to add another to the list, on purpose or by accident
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Old 05-26-2008, 03:38 PM
 
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I haven't read all of the responses, but I feel the need to chime in on the Medicaid issue. I'm half-way through a very unplanned pregnancy and I started out with no insurance at all. My main reason for freaking out in the beginning was money/insurance. I didn't think we'd qualify for Medicaid, but it turns out they will look at your income after deductions and that made all the difference for us.

I still cannot believe the level of service I am receiving without having spent a penny out of pocket. I chose a midwife group for my care, and even if I had the fanciest of insurance I would have wanted the same place. I've had an ultrasound and will have another this week, both covered. The quad screening would have been covered if I wanted it. Prenatal vitamins are covered..a new pair of eyeglasses is covered. I have yet to come across anything that my insurance would keep me from getting. I remember reading only some of the plans available cover circumcision, but that may work to my advantage if I need to convince DP we don't need one.

As for other money related issues..I plan on spending about $130 for the size small CD supply, BFing, not getting unnecessary baby stuff. I am very at peace with our financial situation now, and our income hasn't changed a bit. Please don't let money play a role in such an important decision. Money is such an abstract thing.
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Old 05-26-2008, 10:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Sioko View Post
Babies don't just come as easily as people think, as I used to think, they are a gift. Not easily replaced, not replaced at all. They only come when they are meant to, to specific chosen people, with a purpose, for a reason, their story already written. Why else would perfectly healthy couples have fertility problems for years and sterilized couples using multiple forms of contraception get pregnant?
Chance.

Also, this is very thoughtless. How do you think infertile couples feel when they hear people say they're infertile "for a reason" and they just aren't meant to have a baby?
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Old 05-27-2008, 12:47 AM
 
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Chance.

Also, this is very thoughtless. How do you think infertile couples feel when they hear people say they're infertile "for a reason" and they just aren't meant to have a baby?
Prolly similar to the way I felt when I'd hear the same thing while struggling with secondary infertility, plus I dealt with my concerns for my fertility and desire for another baby being completely disregarded simply because I already had two. But apparently it's not up to me how many/when/if I have kids no matter how carefully I planned my family. THERE IS A REASON, a meaning, and a plan that supersedes my own and anyone elses. Especially when it comes to where/when a new life enters the world. There was a purpose to why I went through everything I did before this baby came and why I'm preg. NOW rather than when I had planned and wanted to be.

This was not a thoughtless statement but something I've learned through experience.
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Old 05-27-2008, 01:13 AM
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Don't let other people make you feel guilty or make this decision for you. Do what's best for the family you currently have. Don't feel like you're "obligated" to do an adoption, either.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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Old 05-27-2008, 01:14 AM
 
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I think that this is a very personal decision. Everyone whom I know who has had an abortion has felt immediate relief. But everyone I know who has had an abortion also really wanted to have it. Of course these were all ladies in their teens and early 20s.

I thank the higher forces everyday that women have the right to choose.

And as a side note, my dad had me when he was 50. He is 73 now and he is soooo young for his age, and he tells me all the time that I kept him young. He was very concerned when he found out my mom was pregnant that he wouldn't be around for my college graduation, my marriage, or my first child being born. But sure enough (as long as he is still around in July) that fear will be false

Julia, mama to Bumpa 2008, and The Mole 2011

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Old 05-27-2008, 02:17 PM
 
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Only you and your partner can decide what is best. i can only share what happened to me. Christmas of 06 i found out i was unexpectedly pregnant after a contraceptive failure. our kids were 3.5 yo and almost 2. i was devastated angry and felt trapped. however i never thought about terminating because i was in a stable relationship (although this news definitely strained us) with someone who like me has no intention of divorcing; i wasn't in a physically dangerous relationship; i had no medical issues besides being almost 40 that would make pregnancy very dangerous for me. nevertheless i so didn't want to be pregnant in those first months after finding out. i was physically and emotionally drained just from the two kids i had!
by midway thru i had come to terms with it even though i was still not happy about it. i had named him and my heart had a place for him even though overall i was still very ambivalent.
then he died at 20 wks.
i can't help you make a decision but i can tell you after i lost him i knew how badly i had wanted him after all. but there was nothing i could do about it.
you can't predict how you will feel but just be warned you may be more affected by terminating then you think and be prepared if that does happen.finances etc- there is always a way. medicaid will cover your pregnancy and a tubal ligation afterwards and plenty of people use medicaid for this and their care is the same, usually same docs and hospitals as anyone else.if it is just those reasons and feeling "done" they may not be enough to counteract regret.
i do know how you feel about being unexpectedly pregnant and definitely NOT happy about it though!
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Old 05-27-2008, 03:32 PM
 
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I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago: I found out I was pregnant with my third a few months before turning 41. At the time, my older two were 5 and 3 years old.
I spent the first few weeks of pregnancy seriously considering an abortion - life was just getting easy and the thought of starting all over again really threw me into a depression. I ultimately decided against it, mostly because I thought I might regret it years down the road, but I still spent the rest of the pregnancy feeling devastated. (I did have CVS testing done at 11 weeks because I wanted to be able to reevaluate my decision not to terminate before I felt any movement.)

And although he turned out to be my easiest pregnancy, birth, and infant, his first several months of toddlerhood did make me question my decision daily. I was exhausted and somewhat resentful that I had no time for myself. Now that he is 19 months, things are starting to get better, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

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Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post

I don't believe in a Universal spirit that is hateful and lacks understanding to the point where it would punish a mother for making a choice like this. Let's not kid ourselves...this world is a place full of experiences and as powerful and heavy a choice as this is to make...it is a choice that effects a very smal circle of people. We are allowed to make such choices without fear of universal punishment. Now..as for God, well, I don't really know him well...but I've heard that he is a pretty forgiving God and that he understands the reasons we make the choices we do.

Do not let guilt blind you from your gut feeling. Yes, for a long time after a termination, you are going to look at babies and children and you are going to feel a pang of guilt, longing, frustration and sadness. But if this is TRULY the right choice for you to make....you will never feel outright regret. I don't know any woman who made the choice to terminate and regretted it later...sadness, yes, regret...no. So...seek out your own truth. In the protection and shadow of your own heart, talk to yourself about what in this mess of feelings and realities feels right and what feels wrong. If you have this baby, I know you will make it work and that you will love this child. If you don't have this baby...you will grieve, you will mourn...then you will move on with your life.

An embryo does not yet have a story, you are not stopping a story with termination...you are just delaying one. You cannot kill a spirit baby, only the shell it inhabits. When you end a pregnancy in the beginning like this, you are ending an embryo....the spirit baby goes away...to come back to you later or to move on to another mommy. Seek wisdom within and in the comfort of your family circle...you will know what to do and either way you are going to be fine and will have the support of mommies here.....because we all know that sometimes being a mother and a woman means making incredibly hard choices. Life is not always great, sometimes it is downright yucky....but we can be sure in our hearts that we are good and brave and universally ethical people so long as we can always know that our decisions are based on the wisdom in our hearts and that we always do what we feel is right.

My best to you. You cannot make a wrong choice here....only the choice that is wrong or right for YOU. Nobody WANTS to terminate...some do because we know we cannot give to a child what s/he deserves.

Also...to add: People who responded to you with any tone of "you do know what causes this, right?" can just stuff it. That is so wrong and so stupid...you obviously weren't being reckless, accidents do happen and fate throws curve balls every once in a while....let that crap just slide right off of your back, learn what you are meant to learn from this and move on. You have no reason to feel guilty. Anyone who thinks you do had better check themselves before they wreck themselves...it is the smug among us who are handed the most "interesting" twists in life.

ITA with all that AverysMomma said.
I also have had an abortion when I was much younger, and have never once regretted it. It was the right thing to do at the time.

Good luck and peace with your decision.
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Old 05-29-2008, 12:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This is why i love these mothering boards.....it's like having a best friend and mom to talk to,ask questions,post concerns,share stories...I have as of now cancelled my termination appt.,applied for medicaid assistance,had 1st visit with midwife,and am now awaiting results of an early ultrasound to see 'what's going on'. I am still nervous about having another at 40(hub at 50),mostly due to worrying about a defect or abnormality.Wasnt quite thrilled with midwife's reaction to pregnancy....I thought maybe she would be more positive, uppidy(sp.?),reassuring,but I didnt exactly get that vibe. Instead she sent me to the hospital to get a STAT u.s to check everything out.Will find out more tomorrow. Anyway,I just wanted to thank all of you who read my story and replied. It helped hearing about other 40 y.o.mom's who are pregnant....as well as others who had to make that difficult choice on whether or not terminate. I know I am not alone.God BLess.
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Old 05-29-2008, 12:21 AM
 
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Good for you!

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
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Old 05-29-2008, 12:33 AM
 
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Yay! ::: This is such wonderful news!

Maybe midwife was having a bad day?? Maybe next app. will be better!
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Old 05-29-2008, 12:37 AM
 
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I believe babies come to us for a reason. I hope all your baby news is good - and that you feel supported by those that love you (and I'd like for you to feel supported by your hcp, too).
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Old 05-29-2008, 01:25 AM
 
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congrats and love to you

Did you get a EDD? We have a 40 and over mom's thread here and in the January DDC.
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Old 05-29-2008, 01:39 AM
 
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thinking of you, and so glad for the update!!
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Old 05-29-2008, 01:42 AM
 
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Old 05-29-2008, 01:43 AM
 
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just read this thread.

My Nana had a baby at 40 in the 50's. You're going to do great!!

Casey, wife to Danny, mom to Olive : and Darcy : .
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Old 05-29-2008, 11:26 AM
 
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you may want to consider another MW. A MW who sends you for an u/s at 40 STAT would worry me. we had a MW who freaked out (pretty much) over the possibility of twins...thats not good karma at a birth, so we changed a few weeks ago and are sooo sooo happy we did..we found the PERFECT MW...she is out there.

im so glad you have made your decision. You can join us in teh over 40 tribe now.
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