The only thing I will say is that the things that you seem to be arguing for terminating are all "practical" matters while the ones that are for keeping it seem to be matters of conscience and the heart. Personally I tend to think that practical matters are usually resolvable, matters of the heart not as much. But that would be my choice and certainly doesn't have to be yours. Wait a week or two, sit with the pregnancy, and see how you feel. If you are only 6 weeks along there is no huge rush to decide.
But only you can decide what's best for you and your family.
About cost-have you looked into homebirth or UC? UC is free and homebirth is substantially cheaper than a hospital birth. Don't worry about medicaid! Sooooo many people have it. Plus, breastfeeding is free, you can babywear and cloth diaper for next to nothing (I've seen people spend $55 total for all that). It can be done, for sure. You can also look into jobs you can do with baby-paper routes, house cleaning, baby sitting.
I used to work in Reproductive Endocrinology and I know hundreds of women who got pg over 40 without any birth defects or issues. It can be done!
AP Mom to 5
Im sorry you feel torn. You can always consider adoption by giving someone that gift of a child in their life. I hope you find peace of mind and feel the right thing for you.
If you truly end up feeling that this baby is not right for you, then do consider allowing someone else the chance to raise it.
And I wish you the best in your decision.
I would look into so many resources in your area that are available. There are people you can call and speak to who could help you find answers to many of the questions that you are having.
If you qualify for medicaid your state may likely have very reputable OBs (some even have midwives) who can provide wonderful care.
Personally I would never terminate a pregnancy. I believe that we are given our children as gifts because God sees in us the ability to love and raise them in ways that we may not see for ourselves. Whatever happens is in His hands.
I agree with the pp who said that most of your 'pros' are reasons of the heart while the 'cons' are reasons of practicality- that might be something to seriously think about.
We think green! Gentle mama to 3 amazing kiddos. Recovering from religion.
LIFEschooling. Extended NAKing. Graduated cloth diaperer.
I would think that actually conceiving at 40 would be enough of a sign that this baby is meant to be... Even if she or he is not meant to be for you but maybe for someone else who needs him/her.
And even downs syndrom (not to say that your baby even has it! dont assume!) is not the end of the world, downs kids still are still delightful people.
If you don't want it, then give it to someone who does.
The baby may not be a blessing to you, but it sure would be
to someone else who's been wanting one.
1- The procedure they will use and exactly how it is done. Contrary to what the majority believe this is not information that is given when you go for the procedure. It is usually glossed over.
2- Post abortion stress syndrome. You should be aware of the risks upfront to make an informed decision. If you choose termination you can look out for these symptoms and can get help sooner rather than later.
3- The way termination affects a relationship. Statistically even married couple don't do well long term after a termination. Please be aware that if you begin to have marital problems in the future counseling may be key and informing the counselor or your termination could be crucial.
I know this sounds harsh but it is my hope that every woman who decides to terminate makes a fully informed decision. Personally, I think the risks are too great. Other posters have had some excellent ideas and resources for you. You could also contact your local crisis pregnancy center. I volunteer at ours and we see women of ALL ages on a daily basis (even though most people are under the impression that all our clients are "kids") Wishing you and your family the very best!
I agree with those that say that you should sit with your thoughts for a week or two and not make a hasty decision. I fully support a woman's right and opportunity to choose what happens with her body and life. AND I do think that the decision should be made rationally and with a lot of thought and consideration and not on impulse and fear of the unknown.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do and I wish you peaceful and healing thoughts as you make your decision.
Watching my little brother grow up at an age when I was old enough to understand and appreciate things was something I'll always be grateful for. He's close to both my older brother and I, and I can't imagine our family being the same without him. Your older children will be able to help out and even if they gripe about it (yeah, I admit I did), it's a good experience for them. I know my mom thought she was done after I was born, but she has said in retrospect that she knows now that having a third was meant to happen.
As far as getting things for the baby that you don't have, see if you can get a flyer put up at a church or community center that you've got a baby on the way and are in need of specific gear. I know when I'm done having kids I want to be able to give what we have to someone who needs it, and I know there are countless mamas out there who feel the same way. Don't look at it as charity, look at it as a means to get you through a spot in time, and someday you'll be able to return the favor to someone else. There's also garage sales, Craigslist, etc. Your baby won't know the difference. He or she will just know your love. I think that all things happen for a reason. Please don't let your pride be the reason you make a decision you could regret (and the reason that a baby's life is ended). There's a little life inside you. I know we've been conditioned to just think of it as tissue and cells, but it's a little life, and in 8 months or so it will need someone's loving arms. You can do this. It won't be easy, but you can do it.
My heart goes out to you, and because there is no shame in correction and growth, I will share my story with you. I am 35 weeks pregnant now with a healthy fetus. I am 35 years old. I have an 18 year old boy, 15 year old girl, and a 9 year old boy. Only six months before I conceived this baby, I had terminated a pregnancy at 10 weeks. My circumstances were health related but it was a termination still. A termination that the doctors deemed a "medical" abortion, weighing out the risks of my own life against carrying child. I have a severe blood clot disorder that gets worse during pregnancy, naturally because the body creates more blood, this posed a risk of developing dangerous blood clots, and I've lost pregnancies to this condition before. They also tried to feed me some crap about my age....whatever.
Anyway, me "trusting" the doctors information, I terminated. Afterwards I was completely devestated. I begin to think that I had made a terrible mistake, and I had to seek therapy. One mental issue was my need and urgent desire to "replace" that baby as quickly as possible. I had become more informed and felt like I could really do it, and be successful. Every month that I didn't get pregnant was devastating to me and DH. The poor guy was so tired of being a trained robot, not to mention that although we were in a bad money tight (him unemployed) him staying with his family, me with mine, he wanted the baby. And I never considered him. We talked about it, but the final choice was mine, he did not support it.
I cried out to God for forgiveness, and begged not to be punished for my choice. That although I thought I was doing what was right for me and my health, it was still a life, and I was so sorry. I asked the Universe to please be kind and send me another baby, and needless to say we were blessed.
Not everyone is. It hurts having an abortion, physically and mentally, and I never REPLACED that baby, as a matter of fact I think about her often. I was only ten weeks but we heard the heartbeat at close to 180, so we always said it was a girl. We wanted it very much, but I let fear and doubt AND lack of faith win. I was lucky that my baby now found a healthy place in my uterus to implant, many times it leaves scar tissue and causes infertility.
This pregnancy was rough, it is High Risk, and I even am currently having preterm labor issues. BUt my son is fine. I see a perinatologist every 3 weeks and they are extremely pleased with his growth and development, and when I saw him smile on that 3-d ultrasound, my heart was flooded with a love that I knew could only come from a divine source. A love that made me weather the storm, and deal with this pregnancy come what may. A love that made the decision for me, to go through the fire and rain to bring forth this new life, we've been blessed with.
I'm not a religious freak at all. But I do believe in a Higher Power that is our guide and relief. The answers are already deep within you sister, you need not look outside of yourself. Many people may try and judge you, even for the mere THOUGHT, but might a man walk a mile in your shoes?
With all due respect, I say you already know what you have to do. Peace and love to you!
I know of course this is our decision....I think I am just looking for something....a sign...to help guide me.... maybe someone who has been in my situation...(40). Again....thank you.
And, it's been great for me - my girls have an auntie who is closer in age to them (by one year) than she is to me! if only she didn't live 3000 km away...
I'm certainly not trying to tell you to keep the baby if you don't want to, no one can answer that question. But, you had asked about being a Mum at 40.
I hope you come to peace with whatever decision is right for you and your family
I agree with those who have said that recovering from abortion can be VERY hard. My best friend and one of my sisters have both had abortions and are still affected years later. Both went on to 'replace' those babies too.
I wanted to comment on not having things for the baby though, ultimately.
|As far as getting things for the baby that you don't have, see if you can get a flyer put up at a church or community center that you've got a baby on the way and are in need of specific gear.|
I just let it be known in general to my online friends that I would take their used hand-me-downs and by now (nearly term) I have more clothes, baby items (including carseat, bouncy, etc) and cloth diapers than I ever had with my other children. I literally won't have to buy a single baby item for 2 years. You just never know what the future holds. money is a fixable issue, missing a life that never was is not.
My kids are also 10 and 7. But I'm only 30, however, my hubby is on his 3rd diagnosis of cancer (beat the other 2), money is tight, I've got a year from now of school to finish, and I was going to get my tubes tied in June. Having another baby when hubby might be dieing? Is that such a good idea.
And yet, we got 2 lines for our 10th anniversary present. I considered terminating, what was I thinking, trying to have a baby (when I have difficult pregnancies) when I'll have 6 months of school left, and I don't know how to pay for daycare.
But even when I added up all the "logical" reasons why we couldn't have a baby, that didn't stop this little heart from beating, nor erase the reasons of the heart why we needed to have this baby.
DH and I still worry about finances. It won't be easy, but every time we've been in trouble before things have worked out. I have to hope that will still happen.
You'll have to make the right choice for you. But for me, the right choice ended up being the opposite of the most logical choice.
RT knitting mama to 3 (& 8 who didn't make it) wife working on 13 years to a silly man who drives me crazy.
I also thought that what if I won lotto this week...and the finance thing wasnt an issue....then I think I would go ahead with the pregnancy.
I hope you figure out what you want to do soon since it's best to make these sorts of decision before the 8 week mark.
Out of all the medical conditions to have medicaid for, pregnancy is probably the best. At least where I live, the best insured pregnant moms see the same exact drs in the same exact buildings and deliver in the same exact hospital as the moms covered by medicaid. Midwifery coverage might be harder to find with medicaid but generally prenatal care is taken very seriously and you will not be treated badly for being on medicaid while pregnant. I have several times had to go see specialists at high risk clinics and most of the women there were covered by medicaid (the waiting room is right by the receptionist so it's impossible not to overhear).
No one can tell you the right decision to make, but personally I would not terminate based on finances alone. I would consider terminating if I were in an abusive relationship or if my partner were totally unsupportive. But if I had a loving world to bring a child into, I would.
mama to H. 4/05 and A. 9/08 and baby C. 10/11
I was treated no differently because I was on Medicaid. Perhaps in your area, women on medicaid have to go to clinics, but if you're assuming that, it may not be true.
I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make.
I think you sound like you wouldn't really "get over" having an abortion--you might always feel like you were missing one of your children.
I wish you peace with whatever you decide.
That being said, if finances are really the main thing that you are stuck on (thinking of the lottery comment) I think you probably would feel a lot of regret.
Financially, I have had babies under times of financial duress and believe me, it can be done.
Best to you
We think green! Gentle mama to 3 amazing kiddos. Recovering from religion.
LIFEschooling. Extended NAKing. Graduated cloth diaperer.