When your husband wants you to get an abortion..WWYD? Aother Update in OP. - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 06:35 PM
 
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Another thing...our shelters here are often full. You sometimes need to call several days in a row to get a spot. Also, many shelters here will give you a taxi voucher for transportation.

"Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?"~Mary Oliver

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#62 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 06:41 PM
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Coyotemist is right, but you don't necessarily need the shelter itself right this second - you need resources. That's why you're calling. I don't know what they'll have, exactly, but I am absolutely certain that they will have a list of phone numbers for people who need food, legal aid, transportation, medical care, and so on.
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#63 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 06:45 PM
 
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I do hope you are moving on the calls that have been recommended as it usually takes some sort of time to get a response to time is of the essence in your situation.
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#64 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 06:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OK. I saw my upstairs neighbor get home who I talk to once in awhile and she said she would go to the store for me to get the Motrin and some juice for the kids. I also called H at work and told him not to show up here tonight or I was going to call the police, to which he said "I don't want to see your stupid *ss anyways, don't call me at work again or I'll tell them you're harrassing me and not to put your calls through." Then he hung up on me. So I really doubt he will show up here, he'll probably just go to his Mommy's house like the baby he is. At least that buys me somet ime to figure out where to go and what to do.

I just don't get it. I did NOTHING wrong, NOTHING to deserve this. I just can't believe I'm in this situation. At least my neighbor is willing to help me by going to the store for me. I'm going to call my mom and see what she can do to help, I haven't been able to get ahold of her because she's traveling.
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#65 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 06:47 PM
 
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2NB-

I'm posting some links for you and anyone else who may see this thread and need help.

***Please be very careful about clicking these links, as your activity on a home computer can be monitored by your spouse (IOW, it may be safer to check these out at an internet cafe or library).***

Here's a link on how to find a YWCA close to you:
http://www.ywca.org/siteapps/custom/...PIKpG&b=281414

Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ndvh.org/

Another Domestic Abuse Hotline:
1-877-4.IT.2.STOP
1-877-488-8678
http://www.avhotline.org/
(this link says they can help you get free legal help)

Enjoying the adventure of NFL with my partner-in-crime , DD 03.09 , , &
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#66 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 06:50 PM
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Ok, given your updates, I think it's pretty clear that this is a terribly abusive situation, and that you need to get out of it to protect not only your and your kids' sanity, but also your health/lives. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but the situation you're in is serious. You and your babies are in NO condition to be walking 15 blocks in that heat. And how will your babies (one of them very sick) do if you pass out in the house from dehydration/hunger/exhaustion, and your husband doesn't come home for hours and hours? I think calling a shelter or women's help group would be VERY appropriate RIGHT NOW!! I hope you've already done it. I hope you've already gotten help. As sad as it is, your situation isn't totally unusual, which is why there are groups out there to help you. You CAN get out of this!

If you still have any thoughts of saving your marriage (and I'm definitely not saying you should, but if you DO), any of that needs to happen AFTER you get yourself and your babies to a safe place, and get the medical treatment you need. No matter what your goal is in the end, the important thing is to get help and get safe NOW. Please do it.

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#67 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 06:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Lil_Mamma View Post
2NB-

I'm posting some links for you and anyone else who may see this thread and need help.

***Please be very careful about clicking these links, as your activity on a home computer can be monitored by your spouse (IOW, it may be safer to check these out at an internet cafe or library).***
If you are checking them on your home computer, after you are done go to 'Tools' then click 'Clear Private Data' and then click 'Clear Private Data Now' You can check all the options available to be extra safe but it's not necessary.
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#68 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 07:07 PM
 
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I don't have any advice for you other than what the others have all said which is "get out asap!" You're not crazy by any means. It sounds very dangerous for your kids and for yourself to be there. I hope your mom can help you out.

If you're comfortable doing so you may want to post what state you are in, perhaps an MDC mom can help you out. I know I would (but I'm in AZ and I'm guessing from the way you said your mom lives in AZ that you don't live here...on the off chance you do though send me a PM).

Rachel, mom to Jake (5/04) and Alexia (7/07) a surprise UC thanks to hypnobabies!
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#69 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 07:20 PM
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OK, so, thanks to your neighbor, you have food and Motrin for the kids. That's good news. You've solved one pressing problem.

Now, your husband has informed you that he's not coming home for some time. That's also good news, as you don't want to see him. But you have no transportation. What's the financial situation like? Do you have your own bank account? What about credit cards? Do you and your husband have joint finances?

If your finances are joint, your husband can empty the account and leave you with nothing. I do not think well of your husband at this point. It seems like the kind of crappy thing he would do to screw with you. You need money to take care of yourself and the kids, and you can't trust him to leave it in the bank for you.

So, I know it is difficult to go anywhere with the kids and in this heat, but if there is a significant amount of money in accounts that you hold jointly with your husband, you need to arrange to withdraw some of it - at least enough to get by for a little while, but as much of it as you feel you need. You can withdraw all of it if you want, and you shouldn't feel bad about doing so, especially if the amount is small - he has his mom to help him until the next paycheck. Put the money in your pocket if you like, or open a new account in your own name only, and put it in there.

Opening a new account in your own name only will allow family members like your mom to wire you money, or send you checks. If your finances are joint and they do these things, they could wind up giving the money directly to your husband.

So, now, you need:
- information about your financial situation
- transportation so that you aren't in exactly the same crisis tomorrow

In addition to the PD and local shelters, the YWCA and local churches may be able to help with these things. How are the phone calls going?
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#70 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 07:37 PM
 
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You are in my thoughts

---feeling like an emu on acid---
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#71 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 07:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by janasmama View Post
If you are checking them on your home computer, after you are done go to 'Tools' then click 'Clear Private Data' and then click 'Clear Private Data Now' You can check all the options available to be extra safe but it's not necessary.
Yes, she can, but you have to be really careful not to depend on that.

Monitoring software can be easily installed on the machine. Usually that stuff is just sold to people who suspect infidelity or have kids they need to watch, but abusive spouses can (and do) buy and use it too.

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#72 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 08:59 PM
 
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I have been following this thread and just want to give you . I can't really add much more to all the great advice the others have given you. I'll be praying for you and your children.
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#73 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 09:32 PM
 
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Your posts have haunted me today and now the latest updates make me sick and upset for you and the kids.
I am scared for what someone with this kind of temper might do to you.
Seriously.
If he is angry, has not calmed down in over 24 hours and talks to you that way and knowing he wants you to have an abortion and is arguing with you over money, I am sorry...I just don't trust his intentions towards you at this point enough to stay in the house.
GET OUT and GET HELP where he cannot find you.
This is a classic typical story you frequently see on shows like Dateline and they don't always end well.
Not trying to sound ominous but its best to be safe than sorry.
Your husband sounds deranged and scary to me. I would take measures immediately to protect yourself, the baby and your kids from him.
I wouldn't sit around and wait to see what he does next.

Happily married with two tots (babyboy.gif J 10/18/08) & (babygirl.gif T 5/03/10) 

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#74 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 09:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by OrchideZ View Post
Your posts have haunted me today and now the latest updates make me sick and upset for you and the kids.
I am scared for what someone with this kind of temper might do to you.
Seriously.
If he is angry, has not calmed down in over 24 hours and talks to you that way and knowing he wants you to have an abortion and is arguing with you over money, I am sorry...I just don't trust his intentions towards you at this point enough to stay in the house.
GET OUT and GET HELP where he cannot find you.
This is a classic typical story you frequently see on shows like Dateline and they don't always end well.
Not trying to sound ominous but its best to be safe than sorry.
Your husband sounds deranged and scary to me. I would take measures immediately to protect yourself, the baby and your kids from him.
I wouldn't sit around and wait to see what he does next.
I agree. Stik gave you some great advice. You need to protect your kids. Please take care of yourself and your children. Your children need you.

Wife to a wonderful DH, Mom to 3 amazing girls and one special boy, IBCLC, supporter of moms. 
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#75 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 11:40 PM
 
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I hope you've made the right calls today and are somewhere safe now. s Please don't give him any more opportunities to do this to you. You need to get out. I hope you already are. I'll be thinking about you.
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#76 of 99 Old 07-18-2008, 11:40 PM
 
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Goodness mama, I don't have anything new to say but I just wanted to send you some support

wife to DH 2/03, mama to DS 3/03 & DD 1/09
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#77 of 99 Old 07-19-2008, 02:33 AM
 
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just wanted to wish you well...

giggle - mommy to GP born 3.16.09 and parter to liberty (GP's mama). hoping to have 2 under 2 in the very near future via DP's ute!
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#78 of 99 Old 07-19-2008, 06:20 AM
 
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I agree with so many others that have said it's emotional abuse. Can an abuser change? I believe everyone can redeem themselves if they try, but in so many cases the person does not truly want to change. My last partner was emotionally abusive in just the way you described your husband. I still cry recalling some of the horrible things he said to me, and I know for a fact he said them because he knew they would get to me in the worst way. I feel like that is what your husband did by suggesting this abortion, since you have tried for this baby for a while and are going through a hard as hell time with it.

I think you need to respect yourself and your children over his needs. I think that you do need to give him an ultimatum. You don't deserve abuse, and neither do your children.
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#79 of 99 Old 07-19-2008, 02:03 PM
 
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: for you

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#80 of 99 Old 07-19-2008, 02:15 PM
 
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I too, encourage you to leave. My dad never hit us but he was verbally abusive. I always wished my mom had left him but she didn't until recently. I resented her for it too.

You need to get to a safe place where you can be taken care of.

Do you have friends or family nearby? Can you move back with your parents for a while?

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#81 of 99 Old 07-19-2008, 02:38 PM
 
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I hope you are in a safe place today. :

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but a woman is most at risk for being murdered when she is pregnant than any other time, and in most of these cases she is killed by someone who knew and "loved" her. here's a news story (warning, discusses actual cases and may be graphic for some)


I hope you've left.
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#82 of 99 Old 07-19-2008, 02:50 PM
 
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^ thanks for that news link Texas Peach. While sobering, it is something that does happen and we as mamas-to-be need to be on top of bad situations before they go further.
Sending love to the OP and hoping she and kids are safe and away from the bad environment.

Happily married with two tots (babyboy.gif J 10/18/08) & (babygirl.gif T 5/03/10) 

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#83 of 99 Old 07-19-2008, 05:24 PM
 
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I read your update...

the only thing I have to say is "this too shall pass."

I know it's awful to be sick, take care of a sick child and be alone but your son will get better and hopefully your season of sickness will be a short one. Then you will be tip top again and ready to go with what you need to do.

(((((Hugs))))))
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#84 of 99 Old 07-20-2008, 09:08 PM
 
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i hoep you start feeling better soon. is there anyway you can get some ginger ale (the read kind, Reeds) to help w/ nauseau?

i am so sorry you are going through this. its better to get him out now though.

if i were you, i would go to the Health and Human Services office tomorrow to get food stamps and other financial assistanxe you can get. Do NOT wait..somet states it takes a while to get anything.

Hopefully you have some savings but even if you dont there are resources you can get food for your kids...get in touch with some churches, etc. etc.

good luck. you are making the right decision.
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#85 of 99 Old 07-20-2008, 10:37 PM
 
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I just wanted to offer a I hope you and your kids are somewhere safe, fed, and taken care of. I am praying for you mamma. :

married to the love of my life : and mamma to 3 amazing kids DS1 DS2 : and DD , ::
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#86 of 99 Old 07-21-2008, 12:51 AM
 
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I just wanted to offer a I hope you and your kids are somewhere safe, fed, and taken care of. I am praying for you mamma.


:
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#87 of 99 Old 07-21-2008, 04:13 AM
 
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if i were you, i would go to the Health and Human Services office tomorrow to get food stamps and other financial assistanxe you can get. Do NOT wait..somet states it takes a while to get anything.
: In my state and I know many states to do this but department of human services may have what is called a domestic violence grant. Here it would be enough to get into your own place. they also help you find that place, childcare while you look for a job, programs to help you find job and food stamps. These programs are here for people when they need them and this could help you so much right now!

Oregon : mom x's 4 DS 1995 DD : 2005 DD2 2006 DD3 2008 hopeful future : Also full time college mom!
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#88 of 99 Old 07-21-2008, 11:47 AM
 
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I'm thinking of you and your children. Please stay safe, and do what you can to get the care and help you need.
This online community is a very strong emotional support, so please continue to use it. I think I speak for all of us who have read this thread, that we are all worried about you, and want to see the very best outcome. That is, one happy and healthy mum with 3 happy and healthy children.
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#89 of 99 Old 07-21-2008, 03:54 PM
 
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NOTHING lasts forever!

Your kid won't be sick forever, you won't be sick forever, you won't always be making this change and decision. It's hard now, but soon you and your babe will be better, you won't have that H to deal with anymore, and although busier, life will seem less hard because you won't always be trying to think through other peoples immaturity and emotional problems. You will be free! The first steps are always the hardest!

Cheering you on here! You can do it! s
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#90 of 99 Old 07-21-2008, 05:38 PM
 
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Get a divorce instead. Especially of there's nothing catastrophically wrong with the baby.

:Pagan Mom to Danny and Mal , Wife to Charles Pet Parent to kitty Paige.
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