When your husband wants you to get an abortion..WWYD? Aother Update in OP. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Saturday's update: He didn't come home last night. He stayed at his parents house, and he's been there all day. I guess I should pack a suitcase for him and set it out back for him to pick up. I left a few more messages for my Mom, and talked to my brother for awhile. I also checked with the one shelter I got a referral to here (I live in a small town) and left a message with the coordinator. He is moving into a big house with his roomate, but he said the whole basement will be free, so that is definitely an option. I guess I should say H has never hit me or been physically violent with me, but the things he says, and the way he treats me definitely feels like it hurts worse than hitting. I've been doing alot of thinking and I've gotten to the point where I can say I'm done with him. I don't ever want to feel this way again for one second. He's so immature, I doubt that can ever change. The changes he DOES make aren't real, it's more like he just controls it better for awhile.He's the type of person that you never truly know what they're REALLY thinking, and that's scary. He can say everything is fine, but really be totally pissed off at you and you'll have NO idea he was mad until weeks later when he blows up. For whatever reason he must really be really bitter and resentful towards me to do and say the things that he does. Anyways, I highly doubt he will come around here. He is the type that will avoid the situation rather than deal with it or be in it, which is why he takes off and disappears after he says those horrible and hurtful things.

AS far as the pregnancy, I have some serious thinking to do. I guess adoption is always an option, though it seems really hard to think about right now. I just don't know what to do, but being so sick is making EVERYTHING a million times harder. Taking care of 2 kids on my own while being this sick is KILLING me, and with my 1 year old being sick too it's a very tough sitation right now.I really appreciate all your advice and kind thoughts. They are much needed right now. I will update again very soon.





I am currently about 10 and half weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. This baby was planned for, by DH and I, and we tried for 6 months to get pregnant. I have two kids, a 4 year old and a one year old. I have been REALLY, REALLY sick with this pregnancy. Nauseous all day and all night, throwing up constantly. I've lost ten pounds this month, my Midwife thinks I may have HG(hyperemisis) and when I see her next week she wants to talk about meds.

Anyways, despite being so sick, I feel like I've done my best to be as pleasant as possible. I mean, of course I'm not in a GREAT mood and happy as heck because I'm so SICK, but I'm definitely not being snappy or unpleasant. Besides asking for help with the kids to put them to bed, or to change a poopy diaper when I've been throwing up, stuff like that, I haven't asked for DH's help with anything. what he DOES help with I thank him profusely and tell him how much I appreciate his help. I have vented to him about being so sick and how certain smells are really bothering me, but nothing excessive.

Anyways, today DH was SOO moody and snappy. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me "I just have to be careful what I say to you so you don't effing freak out." This is COMPLETELY not true!! I haven't so much as said a rude WORD to him since I don't know when, and I've been ESPECIALLY careful about my attitude since I've been sick! So I stuck up for myself and asked why he would feel that way, and what did I do to make him think that. He couldn't come up with ANY examples or reasons why he would think that, I just think he was trying to start a fight with me. So I told him that I didn't think it was fair to think things about me that aren't true, and that I'm having a hard time being so sick and I really need his support right now, not for him to be mad at me. So he says "I'm sick of listening to you b*tch and moan about being so sick, that I'm just being a whiny effing baby and he's sick of hearing about it. Then he proceded to b*tch me out for 20 minutes about the ONE time I called him at work and asked if he could come home a little early because I was lightheaded and felt like I was going to pass out from throwing up all day, and the kids were sick! He told me that I need to stop being such an effing baby and that he can't just leave work to take care of stuff, and that he doesn't have time to listen to me b*tch about how sick I am while he's at work. I was literally on the phone with him for TWO minutes! When he said he was too busy to come home, I said "OK, just thought I'd ask because I'm having a really tough day." and I let him go! So I told him that was how things went and I didn't understand why he was being so BITTER and hateful to me. So he told me that he wanted me to go get an abortion, that this baby was a BAD idea, that if he knew I would be sick he wouldn't have wanted the baby in the first place, and if he can't stand to be around me because I'm such a whiny, b*tchy downer. Umm excuse me I said, I'm SICK AS HECK carrying YOUR baby that was YOUR idea in the first place and that WE planned and TRIED for! How can you even SAY those things to me! So he told me to Eff off wh*re, and left. He didn't take his phone, and he'll be at work all night, and I know he won't try to call me or talk to me, that's just how he is.

What do I do? I don't want to be a single Mom with three kids, but I DON'T want an abortion. I just say this baby on U/S two days ago and he/she was moving all around I could see it's little arms and legs! The thought of it just makes me cry. I wanted this baby and planned for it, and now I just feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. WWYD??? I feel like the way he treated me was pretty dang unforgivable, and to forgive him for talking to me and treating me that way for NO reason would be pretty stupid of me. I really don't know what to do, your advice is SO MUCH appreciated right now. I've been crying all day.
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#2 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:19 PM
 
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Oh man... :

Honestly, if any man, and especially my husband, called me a whore, his bags would be on the front lawn and he would not be welcome back in the house. NOBODY has the right to speak like that to you. Your HG will pass (I had it with my first and it was over by 25 weeks), but that type of disrespect and verbal abuse will likely continue.

Is there someplace you can go so that you can stay emotionally safe? (a shelter, parent's house, etc.?)

And to be honest, nobody could tell me to end my pregnancy. It's just not an option for me, but those are my own personal beliefs...

~Brandon Michael (11/23/03), Jocelyn Lily Nữ (2/4/07, adopted 5/28/07 from Vietnam), Amelia Rylie (1/14/09), & Ryland Josef William (9/7/05-9/7/05 @ 41 wks). 
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#3 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:19 PM
 
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Do you have family or friends that can help support you? I'd make it very clear that you will not be talked to that way. Do not put up with that.
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#4 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:24 PM
 
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Give him some time to think about what he has said to you. You may find that he regrets what he has said & said it out of anger/frustration. (still not cool, but it may be why)

Personally, I would not let my DH, or ANYone decide for me what to do. Are you going to let him make all the decisions about your body the rest of your life?? Is he willing to let you decide what does/does not happen to his body?

This is my own opinion, but...The baby is alive & on it's way. Not fair to disreguard the baby's life cause your DH is having a hissy dealing w/ real life.
sorry if I have hurt any feelings....not my intention.
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#5 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:26 PM
 
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Seek counseling and get away from him.

I'm guessing that this is not the first time he's yelled at you and cursed at you. Usually this kind of behavior escalates and doesn't just start out like this.

Do you have friends or family that you can stay with?

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#6 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:31 PM
 
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If I were you I'd be a single mother of 3 kids.

Single mom of 2 boys
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#7 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:31 PM
 
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This is less about you getting an abortion or not (and I can't imagine why he thinks you would even consider it!) than about your dh as a partner. An immature, selfish, disrespectful, cruel, inadequate partner.

I think that if you want to stay married to this man, the two of you need to get into counseling, asap. He sounds as if he has problems that would really benefit from an objective third party's perspective.

In your shoes - and if I had the support system to back it up - I'd give him an ultimatim. Counseling or I walk out that door. And never talk to me like that again.
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#8 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ~Megan~ View Post
Seek counseling and get away from him.

I'm guessing that this is not the first time he's yelled at you and cursed at you. Usually this kind of behavior escalates and doesn't just start out like this.

Do you have friends or family that you can stay with?
ditto this. This sounds like a very unstable environment for you to be in and your two LO's as well irregardless of having another baby on the way or not.
The fact that you are pregnant and it was planned and he is yelling and calling you expletives would make me run for the hills.
(((HUGS)))

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#9 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:34 PM
 
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It sounds like what he said was out of anger. If he wanted the baby & planned for it I'm sure he is (or will be) sorry he said such a terrible thing. It sounds like you were both (especially him) running short on nerves & the argument got more heated then it should have.

I think the best thing would be to give him a little space & let him cool down first of all, and then make an attempt to make up (offer an apology that gives him an opportunity to apologise also.)

If this is something that happens a lot & not just once in a blue moon, I think you should get some counseling.

I dont think abortion is even an option here, and I dont think it's the issue to focus on. It was just a mean thing that was said in anger because it was something that would dig deep. I wouldn't put any more stock into it then someone who in a fit of anger said "you should just go kill yourself!" or "i'm going to kill you" its just an extreeme comment to get a big reaction.

Best of luck & I really hope you get to feeling better.

Edited to add: I don't have a lot of use for divorce. You married each other for better or worse, I think more marriages can be saved then what are and people leave too quickly. Things that are worth having are worth working for.
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#10 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
This is less about you getting an abortion or not (and I can't imagine why he thinks you would even consider it!) than about your dh as a partner. An immature, selfish, disrespectful, cruel, inadequate partner.

I think that if you want to stay married to this man, the two of you need to get into counseling, asap. He sounds as if he has problems that would really benefit from an objective third party's perspective.

In your shoes - and if I had the support system to back it up - I'd give him an ultimatim. Counseling or I walk out that door. And never talk to me like that again.
I agree that counseling is needed. And if he refuses ago, maybe you could see if you can find a way to go on your own.

Meanwhile, you'll be much better equipped to deal with all this once you get the nausea under control. Hopefully your midwives can get you some meds that will help.

I'm so sorry. No one should ever be spoken to that way, least of all a pregnant woman with debilitating nausea.

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#11 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:39 PM
 
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I'm most definately the type of person who will do anything and everything to try to keep a marriage together. I can, will, and have forgiven A LOT.

But this isn't one of those things. Say what you want to me, but don't ever, ever screw over my kids. If he's serious, even thinking thoughts like that would be a deal breaker for me.

Body, I've been more than patient. Please make a baby. Please?
always loving my babies. (May 08)(April 09)(August 09)(September 09) (December 10)
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#12 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:44 PM
 
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I'm so sorry this happened to you. Personally, I'd leave rather than get an abortion if my dh said that to me. I also agree with pp that counseling might be a way to go as well. Oh mama! I wish I had more advice for you. I'm just terribly sorry you're going through this but I think you came to a great place to get replies and suggestions.
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#13 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:53 PM
 
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In your shoes, I would be really pissed.

And then I'd wonder if it was the stress talking. If DH, perhaps, got yelled at by his boss after you called, or if there is tension at work over his need to take care of his family. I'd wonder if he was feeling guilty because you're so sick, of if he's unhappy and having trouble expressing it. Basically, it sounds like you guys had the Thermonuclear Fight - the fight that starts out about something legitimate, and winds up being about unexpressed and possibly not very attractive emotions, the one where you start out asking politely if maybe he could stop leaving pennies where the baby can get at them and winds up in a screaming match about something totally unrelated.

The Thermonuclear Fight sucks, and when it appears in an otherwise functional marriage, you shouldn't take things said during that fight seriously. Dial it back, have some calm conversations, get at what's really bugging him and see if the two of you can make it better.

If you do not have an otherwise functional marriage, then I think you should pack your bags and find a lawyer, but if this is an unusual incident, some calm and possibly some counseling are better ideas.
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#14 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:53 PM
 
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To even speak to my unborn child like that, not to mention me, would be a huge breaking point. I have resources to get counseling, and I would do that, but I also would make him have some time away and on his own. He needs to realize that kind of talk and disrespect is not okay.

I'm so sorry you're so ill. I can't imagine trying to mother 2 LO's and being sick every day. You need support not verbal abuse. Try for counseling, but don't be afraid to walk away at least for a little while.
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#15 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:57 PM
 
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Holy moly! If my DH ever, ever spoke to me like that, especially when I was pregnant, he'd have another thing coming. If he didn't agree to counseling, his stuff would be on the curb-- screw packing it up.

You do not deserve to be talked to like that! Get help, or get out...

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#16 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 05:57 PM
 
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#17 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 06:00 PM
 
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Please contact someone you trust (maybe your parent or a close friend) and see if you can stay with them for a while with the kids. What your husband said was very abusive. He either needs to find help for his behavior or be out of your and your kids' lives. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids—including the little one growing inside you.

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#18 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 06:00 PM
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Obviously, that way of talking to you is unacceptable. Just. not. ok. But I'm curious. Is this how you guys normally interact? Did he always talk like that to you? Or did this just start since you got sick? And did you talk like that to him before (fighting dirty, name-calling, hateful words), but have decided to change and have been trying to do things differently lately (I only ask because you said how careful you've been since you got sick to be nice)?

I think one thing is absolutely clear, and that is that the way you are describing your relationship just can't go on--it's not healthy for anyone involved, especially the kids.

But, depending on how your relationship has developed, etc., I think the solution might be different. If he's a chronically verbally/emotionally abusive jerk who has you on tiptoes all the time (which is kind of what it sounds like), there may be no saving the thing, and you and the kids are honestly better off without him. On the other hand, if you guys have a pattern of explosive fighting like this (you can dish it out as well as he can), then maybe what you need is some couples therapy to learn how to better resolve your conflicts--I have a dear friend in a relationship that was like this, and it took them years, but they have finally purged most of the toxic interactions from their marriage, and it is a much healthier environment for all of them, including their wonderful daughter. Finally, if this is a recent and drastic change from the man you married, you might want to see if there's some explanation for the behavior change (medical issues, drugs, psychological issues, etc.) before you decide that it's over. A loving, two parent home is best, but a loving single parent home is FAR better than a toxic two parent home.

As for the abortion, that can only be your decision. I would NOT do it because he has demanded it--i.e., in order to please him and "save" the relationship. I would venture to say that if you have an abortion now, for that reason, you will NEVER be able to forgive him or yourself, and the relationship will be truly doomed. The ONLY reason I would consider it is if you think that the relationship is too far broken to save, and you are leaving him, but you don't think you'll have the means to care for the 2 kids you have, much less a third. That would be a very scary situation, no doubt. Even then, I really don't think I could do it, but that's an individual decision.

I feel for you. You're in a scary place. Right now, if you can, it sounds like getting either your husband or yourself and the kids out of the house temporarily would be the best thing, so that you can be in a safe and sane environment while you figure out what your next step should be. Since you're so sick right now, I think staying with parents or someone who could help take care of you and the kids is an attractive option. If that's not possible, I'd at least try to make it clear to him that his words to you were utterly, totally, and shockingly unacceptable, and that you don't intend to interact with him until he can approach you with more respect than that. I would NOT apologize to him if you really don't have anything to apologize for, but I would cautiously accept his apology, on the condition that he agree to therapy if this is a recurring thing, or, if this is a very rare/first-time thing, with the warning that any further such violations will not be excused with just an apology--that there is NOT to be a repeat performance of such disrespect.

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#19 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 06:11 PM
 
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I think that the things your husband said were totally out of line. My husband hasn't ever said such cruel things to me, but I did have an abortion partly because of his attitude and the fact that he wanted one. It just about destroyed me and us. Our pregnancy was unplanned and we found out 6weeks into it that it was a very high risk pregnancy. I wanted to have the babies, but he was freaking out and saying that he was "not ok with this" , but wouldn't come out and say that he was going to leave. I freaked out thinking of raising my children alone, plus 2 more who would possibly be born premature and with problems. When I had the abortion, I hated my husband for awhile. I felt like I wanted him out of my life. What saved us was his regret. He really stepped up and took the blame and listened to how hurt and betrayed I felt by him. We decided to concieve again and he's being very supportive now. I still am angry because all I needed last time was some support. For awhile, I couldn't even look at him without thinking of him as a smug, whiney jerk. He's not like that at all, but that experience with the pregnancy really affected my opinion of him. My husbands concerns were valid though. The pregancy was going to be very hard on me and our existing children with no guarantee of having healthy babies at the end (as if there ever is).


An abortion won't save your marraige. Having the baby won't destroy it any more than it's already destroyed. If you going to work it out, it has to be by continueing with the pregnancy. YOu can't terminate and work it out nearly as easily. You're afraid that you'll lose him if you continue with the pregnancy, but if you have an abortion, he'll surely lose you. The problem is that you may also lose yourself. It's still hard for me to deal with the new person that I am after the abortion. I'm not the same person I used to be. It's also on my mind all of the time.

Since you don't want to do it. Don't do it. Your husband does sound like he's being very cruel and selfish right now though.
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#20 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 06:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, he's talked to me like this before. He has been supposedly working on it and it's been awhile, but he's always been very immature when it comes to any conflict at all. Sometimes I feel like he's 10 years old, because he'll say things like YOU started it, or he'll turn everything I say around and direct it towards me without even acknowledging what I said. The reason I've been trying to be conscious of the way I act when I'm sick is because of HIM. He gets so bitter and angry towards me if I'm not in a good mood, or not feeling good, and ANY little remark I make that he might take as rude, he goes off on me and pulls a guilt trip on me, saying stuff like he said today about having to walk on eggshells, and having to watch what he says like I'm such an evil tyrant, which couldn't be further from the truth. I feel like I have no right to just lay there and be miserable and sick, even though I AM. I just don't know what to do. I have no family to help, my Mom lives in Arizona and travels alot for her job, so she has no permanent place to live because she's a relief hotel manager and lives on site. I have no one else to help me. No one. I feel so sad, sick and alone, and most of all STUPID.

ETA: I guess I just want any advice anyone has to offer, and to hear that I'm not crazy for thinking the way he treated me was wrong, because he always tries to turn it around and make ME feel like the bad guy. Also, I feel like I wanted to be talked out of the abortion, because I'm really terrified about going through this pregnancy alone, and I don't know how I can pick myself up and start my own life with 2 little ones, and being pregnant.
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#21 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 06:19 PM
 
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Where are you? Maybe a nearby mom can come and help you some. I would if I lived nearby. I'm in the Seattle area.

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#22 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 06:21 PM
 
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This is emotional abuse and it's unlikely to get better- not unless he admits he has a problem and is working really hard on himself to improve. It doesn't sound like this is the case. In fact, he sounds like a classic abuser- especially the part about making it seem like it's your fault for "making him angry"- um, no. He's the one in control of his emotions and actions, not you. It should never be Mom's responsibility to keep Dad from having a temper tantrum.

I'd try contacting a Domestic Violence Coalition- see what kinds of resources they may have available to help you.

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#23 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 06:29 PM
 
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This is emotional abuse and it's unlikely to get better- not unless he admits he has a problem and is working really hard on himself to improve. It doesn't sound like this is the case. In fact, he sounds like a classic abuser- especially the part about making it seem like it's your fault for "making him angry"- um, no. He's the one in control of his emotions and actions, not you. It should never be Mom's responsibility to keep Dad from having a temper tantrum.

I'd try contacting a Domestic Violence Coalition- see what kinds of resources they may have available to help you.
--

unfortunately yes to everything Ruthla said ... you need to get help and get out. I am so so sorry for what you are going through -but you deserve better than that. I didn't read the whole thread - do you have family to turn to?

You are in my prayers
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#24 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 06:32 PM
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You are not stupid. Stop thinking that right now.

The abortion comment he made was absolutely uncalled for. Remember, it's YOUR body and YOUR choice to do what feels right for you, no matter what happens.

He is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusing you. Trying to blame you for him losing his temper is classic abusive behaviour. You are not responsible for his actions, but you are responsible for your own actions. Please, seek out counselling and take care of yourself. Your children need you, and you don't deserve to be treated poorly. I know it's hard to fathom, but it sounds like you know what you have to do to be safe and happy. You CAN start your own life, but you will need to look for outside help.
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#25 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 06:34 PM
 
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1) what advice would you give me if this were me crying out for help in that situation?????????

2) you have the police/restraining order(if you so choose)--There are safe houses for women & children, churches, & you may call your mom anyway. She may know of more ways to help & would likely not want you in that situation. think of your children. they have to see/hear this. It will effect their lives.
something has to change & you are the only one that can decide that now. I wish you you peace & blessings and the wisdom to do what is best for yourself/children.....whatever that might be.
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#26 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 06:36 PM
 
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OH mama- these ladies are so right on. We would be having a serious discussion AND counseling and probably some anger management classes for DH or I would be out the door. Scary yes- but necessay definitely. No one deserves to be treated like that- not you and not your children. Emotional abusers will abuse children as well and that is not something you can allow to happen. Surf over to Finding Your Tribe and look for some local mamas for support. Also there is more support at PAP.

GL and I am praying for you.

Iowaorganic- mama to DD (1/5/06), DS1 (4/9/07), DS2 (1/22/09), DS3 (12/10/10), DD2 (7/6/12) and a new kid due in early 2014

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#27 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 06:41 PM
 
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Quote:
and I don't know how I can pick myself up and start my own life with 2 little ones, and being pregnant.
with a really good lawyer

8 might be enough
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#28 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 06:44 PM
 
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I am so sorry he treated you that way. I don't even know where to start.

1. You should not have to walk on eggshells around your spouse. Their number 1 job in life is to support you, especially during hard times. That's what marriage is, 2 people who agree to support and love each other, no matter what difficulties they come across in life.

2. How dare he call you a whore. I love my husband and hope to be married to him for the rest of my life but if he ever called me a whore he would come home to the locks changed and all his clothes on the front porch. Perhaps our marriage could be saved with some counseling.

3. Asking you to abort his child? Really? That just makes me so sad, that a child conceived in love should be disposable because you being sick is inconvenient for him.


I am suffering with HG as well, medication really, really helps. Zofran and Dramamine have made such a difference in my day to day life.

Good luck Mama, I'm so sorry you are in this position right now. I have been a single Mom (with 1 child) and even though it was hard, it was so much better than being with someone who didn't make me feel special.
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#29 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 06:44 PM
 
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It sounds like he's not going to change unless you leave him (and even then he may not). There's a very good chance his behavior will only escalate until he starts becoming physically abusive with you. Guys like him also start taking things out on the kids.

What about staying any other relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc...)?

Do you have a "Family & Children Services" nearby? I've found they really are great support for women who are in difficult situations. They offer free or reduced counseling and group therapy. The one I've been to even helps women and their children find safe places to stay until they can get on their feet.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiloh View Post
with a really good lawyer
True, and it also helps to find a really good social worker, too.

Enjoying the adventure of NFL with my partner-in-crime , DD 03.09 , , &
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#30 of 99 Old 07-17-2008, 07:06 PM
 
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great advice already here- I just wanted to give you some
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