Would this be rude? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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I'm Pregnant > Would this be rude?
sonitaw's Avatar sonitaw 09:15 AM 09-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by rebecca03 View Post
I am a first time mom. So I guess I should trust people who've BTDT.

I figured it would be rude, usually if I have to question the rude-ness, then it's on the rude side.

Thanks for the opinions so far, y'all. I feel like a little bit of a snob now. : I was trying to think of how I would feel if I got an invite that had a registry only thing, but I couldn't come up one way or another.
Don't be hard on yourself! You probably just don't want to deal with a bunch of stuff you don't need. I can totally relate.

Iam thinking about it too because I went and bought a bunch of stuff from yard sales (at 10 and 25 cents who can resist??), so I have loads of NB and 0-3 mo clothes. I was just going to tell ppl if they want to get clothes that we are covered for the first 3 months, and to be sure to get bigger sizes. And maybe I will just pass the info on thru word of mouth through the friend that is organizing it.

I agree that kinda of stuff in writing always gets lost in translation.

Cherry Alive's Avatar Cherry Alive 10:50 AM 09-18-2008
Funny how things can get interpreted in these situations. It can be pretty subjective, and I think a lot of it comes down to your guests' beliefs. If you aren't 100% sure about how someone will feel about something, it doesn't hurt to err on the side of caution.

One thing I learned though, is it's really important to know if the person planning the shower is planning to put registries on the invite *before* you make a guest list.

My husband's co-worker/employee/friend's wife is expecting in November. While my husband is close to his work buddy, only *I* got invited. It's a girls-only event.

I've met these folks (briefly) at parties. Admittedly, my husband is very close to the guy, and we invited the guy and his wife to our wedding. His wife is very nice, but I don't know her that well at all and didn't feel we had tons in common.

I have really mixed feelings about it. It was nice to be included, but under the context of the invite, I kind of feel like I was invited to be another gift-giver more than anything else. It'd be totally different if there *weren't* registries included—or a note that said something like "gifts are always appreciated, but never expected."

But when I told this to my husband, he acted offended and said he'd be "hurt" if I hadn't been invited (even though *he* himself is not). He comes from a very mainstream type of family where the extended family (even distant aunts and cousins) do *everything* together all the time (ex- every X-mas is a family reunion). So his views on these things are quite a bit different than mine.

We would have given them a couple gifts either way (and asked about registries). With babies and weddings, we tend to get a couple small things off registries and then something personal that we picked out on our own.

I decided not to go. I don't feel comfortable being there under the circumstances. We got her some gifts and are dropping them off the day before.
kriket's Avatar kriket 11:10 AM 09-18-2008
I started an amazon registry and I did put something like
"We will be using cloth diapers and baby waring blah blah, so please, no strollers or disposables Slings and cloth would get more use!"
I also put that the things on the registry are ideas and if you can find something used, or cheap or hand me down that would be the greatest! (because it's true )
Honestly other then one little something or something from my parents or grandparents, I'm not expecting anything, I think it's rude to expect people to give you things. My mom made me make a wedding registry because "people want to get you something you may as well make it easy and tell them what you want!"
avivaelona's Avatar avivaelona 11:41 AM 09-18-2008
Quote:
My mom made me make a wedding registry because "people want to get you something you may as well make it easy and tell them what you want!"
I think this is the only real reason for a registry. You aren't supposed to be making a list of all the things you need and waiting for people to buy them, you are just creating an "idea" list for the clueless or nervous gift giver who would rather buy something they know you will like. Most people seem to ignore the registry for baby gifts and buy things they like anyway. (though why someone would buy a huge high chair that wasn't on the registry for someone they don't know that well remains a mystery to me from our baby gifts)

You can't request that people buy items only from the registry because then you aren't requesting "gifts" even you are requesting that they provide for your needs and that isn't what a gift is.

I know you meant well though, I know how frustrating it was to get that silly high chair and have to drive all the way back to the store to return it! We had no room for it! But you know, in the end gifts are expressions of joy and love from that person, and you have to just love the thought even if the application wasn't great
StarMama's Avatar StarMama 01:20 PM 09-18-2008
I'd totally get the reason for wanting to, for my first I let everyone know we were cloth diapering and what did I get? Piles and piles of disposibles. Gah! But yeah, you're gonna make people upset I think putting only from registry... if there are specifics you don't want (no sposies, or no plastic or whatever) do you think you could spread that via word of mouth instead?
Phoenix~Mama's Avatar Phoenix~Mama 01:36 PM 09-18-2008
I totally get where you are coming from and am a little anxious about my own pending shower, especially after going to my friend's last weekend... really she basically only got clothes... while nice and such... the babe will need more than clothes. lol

But I would never dream of putting that on an invite, and if I received something like that it would definitely raise my eyebrows a little.

I am just figuring on having to return a lot of things and already have a set up in my mind for a keep/return pile afterwards.
dividedsky's Avatar dividedsky 02:17 PM 09-18-2008
personally, i even find the little cards that some people include with the invites tacky. i'm of the school of thought that if people want to know where you are registered, they will ask the RSVP person, or someone close to you (parents, grandparents, friends, etc).
zinemama's Avatar zinemama 02:40 PM 09-18-2008
It may be becoming more common, but that doesn't make it any less rude. Good for you for asking, OP. Because sometimes these things can be tricky to determine
melon's Avatar melon 03:10 PM 09-18-2008
My cousin just had her baby shower....They are having a boy and they got a ridiculous amount of tiny clothing...Doubles and triples even. They were registered at Babies R Us, which is where all the clothes came from (people would pick up a small registry gift, and a couple of outfits at the same time).
SO, she went to BRU to exchange for some bigger sizes, and they said NO! Not without a receipt!!

There are no other good places to register around here, so my Mom came up with a solution and I'm not sure how I feel about it (I'm not a big fan of registries to begin with, but since the wedding I've softened up):
On my invitations she is going to put "Please Include A Gift Receipt With All Gifts."

How do you all feel about that?
amydidit's Avatar amydidit 03:21 PM 09-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by melon View Post
My cousin just had her baby shower....They are having a boy and they got a ridiculous amount of tiny clothing...Doubles and triples even. They were registered at Babies R Us, which is where all the clothes came from (people would pick up a small registry gift, and a couple of outfits at the same time).
SO, she went to BRU to exchange for some bigger sizes, and they said NO! Not without a receipt!!

There are no other good places to register around here, so my Mom came up with a solution and I'm not sure how I feel about it (I'm not a big fan of registries to begin with, but since the wedding I've softened up):
On my invitations she is going to put "Please Include A Gift Receipt With All Gifts."

How do you all feel about that?
Well, I'm not the best one to answer most likely because I think etiquette rules are grossly outdated. But, I would suggest something more like:
"If you choose to bless the new babe with a gift, please include a gift receipt. That way in the event the gift doesn't work or doesn't fit, the new mama will be able to remedy the situation."

But again... take my suggestions with a grain of salt.
candynut's Avatar candynut 03:27 PM 09-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by melon View Post
On my invitations she is going to put "Please Include A Gift Receipt With All Gifts."

How do you all feel about that?
Personally, that would offend me. Maybe I'm extra sensitive. When I had DS, I wasn't even planning on having a shower because I didn't have a a lot of friends I felt close enough to ask them to "shower me with gifts." MIL, my BF, and DH ended up organizing a surprise shower and included all our long distance friends and family. I was happily overwhelmed by everyone's generosity.

Did I get some stuff I thought was ugly? Sure. Did I get some stuff I didn't really need? You bet. But was I still completely grateful and made good use of the stuff I got, even if it wasn't my first choice? Yes!!

I have a friend who recently had a shower for her second DD. Attendance was somewhat low, I thought. I think a lot of the invitees were kind of bothered that she registered for a second DD (the 1st just turned 2, so she still has all her baby stuff, she and her DH are well off, etc). Plus, a lot of the invitees are pregnant themselves with 2nd and 3rd DCs and aren't having a shower. I went and brought a few practical gifts because I wanted to celebrate with my friend, but I feel sad that some people didn't come because they thought she was being selfish.
Nautical's Avatar Nautical 03:43 PM 09-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by melon View Post
My cousin just had her baby shower....They are having a boy and they got a ridiculous amount of tiny clothing...Doubles and triples even. They were registered at Babies R Us, which is where all the clothes came from (people would pick up a small registry gift, and a couple of outfits at the same time).
SO, she went to BRU to exchange for some bigger sizes, and they said NO! Not without a receipt!!

There are no other good places to register around here, so my Mom came up with a solution and I'm not sure how I feel about it (I'm not a big fan of registries to begin with, but since the wedding I've softened up):
On my invitations she is going to put "Please Include A Gift Receipt With All Gifts."

How do you all feel about that?

Anything that I bought in a store would come with a gift receipt. However, this statement would still sound like it was putting down handmade gifts.
amydidit's Avatar amydidit 03:48 PM 09-18-2008
What if it clarifed "store bought gift"?

I always try to remember to give a gift receipt, but I know I forget sometimes. I personally would appreciate the reminder. When I buy someone a gift I WANT them to be able to use it and happy with it. I would feel terrible if I bought them something unusable and they couldn't return or exchange it. And sadly more and more stores are getting horribly strict about returns.
bax's Avatar bax 03:49 PM 09-18-2008
Ok, OP. I agree about not putting that info. in the invite, but I really wanted to commiserate with you because this is a constant struggle for me.

We have a toddler and are expecting another LO, and move about every year or two from one tiny apartment to another tiny apartment. I try to feel love and gratitude in my heart when grandparents or others inundate us with large boxes full of toys, clothes, etc. that we don't need or want, but really I just think, Now I have to figure out where to return it, donate it, or store it and then pay someone to move it. Meanwhile, there are tons of things we really need that nobody gets us because they're "boring," so we have to schlepp out and buy them anyway on our extremely limited income. It just seems like a total waste to me. I try to focus on our families' love for us, and for DD and the baby on the way, but much of the time, these gifts don't feel like gifts, they feel like burdens and reminders that nobody listens to us. (Especially because we are always using every "polite" tactic in the book to try to communicate what our needs are, etc...)

Because of this, I ALWAYS buy off of registries because I don't believe that giving a gift is a chance for me to prove to someone how creative or insightful or handy I am. Giving a gift is not about me--it's about the recipient. So if Mama Suzie wants two dozen cotton washcloths for her home birth, then dogonnit, I will happily get them for her with love in my heart (and if she's anything like me, she'll be way more happy to see them than a fourteenth, hand-knit, non-machine-washable baby blanket). Depending on how well I know her, I would consider adding a small, useful handmade or "surprise" item if I felt it was particularly appropriate, but wouldn't ever make it the whole gift.
Cherry Alive's Avatar Cherry Alive 03:52 PM 09-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by melon View Post
On my invitations she is going to put "Please Include A Gift Receipt With All Gifts."

How do you all feel about that?
Wouldn't do it. It not only sounds like you might not like someone's gifts and return them, but it also comes off as a little condescending.

A lot of people these days know to include gift receipts—especially since a lot of stores (like Target) offer them almost automatically. When I had a bridal shower I had gift receipts for most of the things I got (MIL never asked people to include them). This even included things people bought off the registries.

If you get a duplicate of something, it's okay to tell either of the gift givers and ask them if they'd mind giving you the receipt (if it hasn't been offered). If you don't like something, it's rude to ask.
choli's Avatar choli 04:00 PM 09-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by rebecca03 View Post
So, I'm working on creating my registry and just had a thought...would it be rude to put on my baby shower invites for people to please buy from the registry only? Not saying that things that aren't on the registry wouldn't be welcomed, but I don't want a bunch of stuff I didn't want in the first place being bought for me, and I know I can't force ppl to shop from the registry.

Is it rude? Is it futile (because ppl will do what they want either way)?
Yes, very much so.
Quote:
What if you received an invite that said "please shop from registry only"?
I probably wouldn't go unless is was a very close friend or relative.
Cherry Alive's Avatar Cherry Alive 04:03 PM 09-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by amydidit View Post
What if it clarifed "store bought gift"?

I always try to remember to give a gift receipt, but I know I forget sometimes. I personally would appreciate the reminder. When I buy someone a gift I WANT them to be able to use it and happy with it. I would feel terrible if I bought them something unusable and they couldn't return or exchange it. And sadly more and more stores are getting horribly strict about returns.
I still wouldn't do it. If you need to return something that is a duplicate, it is reasonable to ask one (or both) gift givers if they still have the receipt. If you have to return something bc you wouldn't use it (and don't have the receipt), it's best to donate it to a good charity.
JBaxter's Avatar JBaxter 04:05 PM 09-18-2008
I think it would be rude... I mean I got some beautiful hand made blankets, sweaters booties or my shower with Nathan from people I never dreamed were so crafty ( LOL ok or their moms's) I would and did LOVE having them over store bought ones. I also got some things I hadnt thought of. Showers are gifts not intitlements.
choli's Avatar choli 04:08 PM 09-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by melon View Post
My cousin just had her baby shower....They are having a boy and they got a ridiculous amount of tiny clothing...Doubles and triples even. They were registered at Babies R Us, which is where all the clothes came from (people would pick up a small registry gift, and a couple of outfits at the same time).
SO, she went to BRU to exchange for some bigger sizes, and they said NO! Not without a receipt!!

There are no other good places to register around here, so my Mom came up with a solution and I'm not sure how I feel about it (I'm not a big fan of registries to begin with, but since the wedding I've softened up):
On my invitations she is going to put "Please Include A Gift Receipt With All Gifts."

How do you all feel about that?
It makes it sound like you are demanding gifts and planning to return them for cash or something, frankly.
lifeguard's Avatar lifeguard 04:59 PM 09-18-2008
I can't believe Babies R Us has such a ridiculous return policy - one more reason I'm not a fan of this store. Although Wal-Mart is not much better in my opinion you can return anything they carry with or without a receipt. You will just get a gift card with the amount on it that can be used for anything in the store. That is what I did for the gifts I didn't want/need. Worked out great.
Rivka5's Avatar Rivka5 05:20 PM 09-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by melon View Post
SO, she went to BRU to exchange for some bigger sizes, and they said NO! Not without a receipt!!

There are no other good places to register around here, so my Mom came up with a solution and I'm not sure how I feel about it (I'm not a big fan of registries to begin with, but since the wedding I've softened up):
On my invitations she is going to put "Please Include A Gift Receipt With All Gifts."
There are people out there who deliberately register for stuff they don't even want, because they're planning to return it all and keep the cash. Strange, but true. If I say "please include a gift receipt" I would suspect that the person was planning to trade in my gift for the money, and I would be turned off.

I would check with BRU and find out exactly what their policy is. I know they don't want to take clothing back if they've already rotated items so that they're now selling different stuff, but I thought I remembered, from when my daughter was a baby, that they were pretty helpful about returns in general.
amydidit's Avatar amydidit 05:59 PM 09-18-2008
I've never had Babies R Us be helpful when I was trying to make a return. From the website about the policies:
FOR RETURNS WITHOUT A RECEIPT:

* If the original payment was made with a credit or debit card, we can look up your purchase using our register system and credit your account.
* If the item was purchased from a baby registry, we can look up the purchase using our baby registry system and issue a merchandise credit.
* A driver's license or other valid identification is required to process all returns without a receipt.
* We reserve the right to decline returns without a receipt.
http://www5.toysrus.com/guest/storPoliGuarantees.cfm
Every Babies R Us I've been at exercises that right to decline EVERY SINGLE TIME.

And sadly some of us can't afford to just donate an item we can't use or don't want.
OrchideZ's Avatar OrchideZ 06:41 PM 09-18-2008
I had my shower this past month and got only things from my registry- aside from maybe 4 things- so I will share with you what worked for us.
We were lucky enough to have been gifted with a heap o new baby clothes from a generous friend so truly did not need any more clothes and desperately needed help with CDs and getting gear.
I made registries with Amazon (for diaper stuff and indie vendors as most people have an Amazon account and I figured this was the way to make it easiest for them rather than with an indie CD company that people aren't familiar with), Target (because most people will default to Target for gifts so its best for me to pick the stuff out myself rather than have them choose it) and Babies R Us (same logic as Target plus for people wanting to walk into a store and physically buy you a gift both of these stores fill the bill).
I also had cards from our diaper service company we are registered with which were put into the envelopes of the shower invites and said I would be cloth diapering and was registered with this company if anyone wanted to help with gift certificate. These were so helpful to people unfamiliar with CD-ing and I already the first 2 months of service paid for.
The next thing I did was attach a nicely worded note to the top of both my Target and BRU registries (so if people had made it that far they would see what our needs really are) explaining we are in a tiny 1 bedroom and baby will be in same bedroom as us with very little storage space. I said no clothes please as we are set there thankfully. I said we really most needed help with cloth diapering and gear needs so please check out our Amazon registry and our diaper service one. Also gift cards I mentioned were very appreciated due to us needing help with gear/large items and BRU/Target's wonky return policy.
The next important thing was that my good friend was hosting- not me- and she put the invites together and she hosted the shower/brunch.
She included the registry info tastefully on the bottom of the engraved invite and the diaper service cards in with it.
She had people RSVP with her and when she talked to those who were coming, if they asked about what I needed (only if they asked and lots did!), she in the nicest way possible told them how tight we are on space and money and that clothes is the only thing we were good on.
She gave suggestions and apparently, everyone listened to her. It worked.
Plus my out-of-town friends/family who couldn't make it all looked at and bought from my registry.
I was floored b/c I truly expected to get only random clothes as many write here they do.
We were very thankful for anything we got but hey, its our first baby and we aren't rich so we were glad to get the help we needed to be able to help with glider, crib, exerciser, etc. help.
Gift cards did add up and we got nearly $350 of them from various people. W/o these, we couldn't have afforded our glider.
I am sitting in it right now and its like heaven.
I wish you the best.
I think if you word things gently and tactfully and its not directly coming from you, you will be fine.
woodchick's Avatar woodchick 08:17 PM 09-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by amydidit View Post
And sadly some of us can't afford to just donate an item we can't use or don't want.
I'm just curious, if you don't use it and you don't want it what are you loosing by donating it?

There is always the option of consigning it.
amydidit's Avatar amydidit 08:25 PM 09-18-2008
I would be losing the option to return it and get something we really do need for the baby. Consignment gets you a small fraction of what the item is worth, and not every place has somewhere to do that.

If someone gets me something I can't use (like a baby carrier that is way to small for me) if I can return it to the store they got it at I can then use the $30/40 dollars to buy stuff the baby really needs, like a sling that fits, for example. If I take to a consignment I might be lucky to get $5 for it. So the gift the guest gave me basically goes to waste. Sure, someone else will use it. But not the person they bought it for.

I would feel horrible if I gave a gift to someone and they couldn't return it and only consigned it.
Cherry Alive's Avatar Cherry Alive 06:11 AM 09-19-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by amydidit View Post
I would feel horrible if I gave a gift to someone and they couldn't return it and only consigned it.
Can't blame you for feeling that way. I would feel horrible too if someone didn't use a gift I gave them. In fact, it's happened before. But you know what? That's life sometimes.

In these situations it's best to take the "lesser of two evils."

While you'd feel horrible if someone couldn't use a gift you gave them, many people would feel horrible to get an invitation that tells them how to buy you a gift or what to buy you. This is because it'd make them pressured or manipulated—like they were being told they weren't welcome to attend the baby shower unless they bought something under your requirements. Those obviously are not your intentions at all, but that's how people tend to interpret things if you put gifting instructions on the invites—and while it's not you who puts together the invites, people will still pin it on you as they know you had some influence on the guest list.

As for worrying about making people feel horrible for "useless gifts" (that can't be exchanged), it's simple. If you are concerned about hurting people's feelings, don't tell them.

But if you need the gift exchanged for really strong reasons (anything other than taste—ex- something is in the wrong size or is a duplicate) it's okay to say something to the gift giver. It's not your fault that they didn't pay attention to whether or not it's something you can't use—especially if it's a factor they didn't pay attention to details (ex- someone who doesn't know your size or doesn't bother to ask, should know better than to buy a gift like baby carrier that may be too small for you).

And if you can't exchange something, there are still other alternatives to donation or consignment shops. You can always sell something on Ebay or Craigslist. Likewise, you can find a lot of *very* nice things you'd like on Ebay or Craigslist (for much cheaper than in the store)—or even here on the trading post.

But chances are you will not run into these issues—especially if you are inviting people who are close to you. Be polite to your guests, give them the benefit of the doubt, and they will more likely to go out of their way to help you (either with gifts or emotional support).
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