I am so worried! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 01:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just found out I'm pregnant with my second. My little girl is 2 years 4 months so she will be over 3 when the new baby comes. I'm already so nervous about it. I'm worried that I won't be able to continue giving my little girl the kind of attention and love that I have been. I don't want her to feel dejected. How do I ensure she continues to feel like my special little girl?

And, I had a wonderful wonderful pregnancy and natural birth with my first. I fear that I'll never be so lucky again. I'm so worried that this birth will result in unwanted intervention and that my next baby will be sick.

I'm also worried about where to put the new baby. We have a really small house with only two rooms. We plan to co-sleep with the second like we did for the first, but I'm wondering what happens from there. Does anyone have any logistical advise on co-sleeping siblings? I can't even imagine how it will work trying to get two kids to sleep in one bed or bunks or something...?!?

Worried worried worried. I can't stop...! I should just be trying to enjoy it.

Thanks for any advise.
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#2 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 01:52 AM
 
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I think every mama feels this way with her second baby. I unexpectedly found myself pregnant when my first baby had only just turned 1. I cried for a couple of months. Someone shared this poem with me when I was pregnant with my second baby more than five years ago. It still makes me cry, but helped so much at the time...
Quote:
Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand,
basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within,
as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born,
and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me
as you've never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way,
"Please love only me."
And I hear myself telling you in mine,
"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing,
I find myself attached to that new being,
and feeling almost guilty.
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him -- as though I am
betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change,
first to curiosity,
then to protectiveness,
finally to genuine affection.

More days pass,
and we are settling into a new routine.
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared,
just we two.
There are new times -- only now, we are three.
I watch the love between you grow,
the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you -- as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you,
I've given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with
both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are,
but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only
differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time,
I now know you'll never share my love.
There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own
supply.

I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life."

author unknown

Tina ~ SAHcarrot.gif- head Mama to - 

  DS blowkiss.gif(07/'03), DD energy.gif(05'05), DS, unplanned UC sleepytime.gif(01/'09), DD joy.gif(06/'11) ...

SURPRISE!  dizzy.gifNew little one, due Sept. 2013

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#3 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 02:00 AM
 
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OMG, my two oldest are inseparable. They are 8 and 10. They protect each other, entertain each other, antagonize each other, teach each other, and keep each other company in every way. Their lives would be empty without their best buddy! A good sibling is is one of the best gifts life can give a child! My younger two who are 2 and 5 are even more inseparable. They can't even go to the bathroom alone. What fun is life without someone to pee with?? I mean, think of it this way: You are giving yourself a ticket to some quiet time while they play together, and you are also giving each one a dear friend to go through life with and love, someone who will always be there and will nearly always "get it" because they know each other so well. They may have fights and stuff, but it's still SO important to have a buddy on planet earth. At all stages of life.

Co-sleeping...and all that....just let things evolve naturally and you'll all find the space that is best for you, just naturally. You'll all do some nesting and find your comfort zone, just like all mammals do. It's pretty darned neat.

You'll do awesome!!!! It's very exciting for you, congrats!!
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#4 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 03:50 AM
 
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My sister and I are incredibly close, good friends and have been since we were little (barring a little craziness in the middle school years that we both got over, thank god). I'm pregnant with my second, so I know you feel like you're betraying that close bond a little by bringing someone else into the picture, but really, you're giving your little one a gift that will last her whole life, even after you're gone.
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#5 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 08:27 AM
 
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That poem made me cry. I'm expecting #2 as well and I have the same fears.
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#6 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 08:59 AM
 
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*deep breath* It will all be okay!

You have lots of time to figure all this out, but I know as soon as I found out I'm pregnant I start worrying about the logistics of how it'll all work and then somehow - it just does - and there's more love to go around and everything ends up better than I expected.

I've now had three very easy pregnancies with 2 easy deliveries (#3 is still cooking). I always feel a twinge of guilt that my pregnancies are so easy and surely with the "next" one - I won't be so lucky. But fortunately, I just handle pregnancies well. Hopefully you're the same. It's okay to expect and desire two easy pregnancies and deliveries - hundreds of women have more than one great experience! Just thank your lucky stars and enjoy it as much as possible.

As far as where they'll sleep - again, you'll do what feels right at the time. We had to move our two boys into the same room a few months ago to get the baby's nursery ready to go and they did great. They're 3 years 5 months and 21 months old now and I did it in about April/May? I put the younger one to bed at 7:30, and the older one goes to bed at 8:30. He just has to be quiet and there's some nights he wakes up the other, but overall -- it's a much easier adjustment than I thought it would be. Right now, one's in a crib and one's in a twin bed. Because the room is small, when the younger one is old enough to be out of the crib, we'll get a trundle bed and just have a twin bed in there with a trundle underneath. Still not the best solution or most permanent, but I'm sure it'll work and when they're 30 they won't hate us too much for that set up when they were little kids ;-)

Congratulations!
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#7 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 10:04 AM
 
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Such wonderful responses, I am glad I found this thread!

To the OP- my son just turned 2 and I am due in May, and having some of the same feelings you are. We do have 3 bedrooms, but I would really like to keep one of them as a guest room at least for a while, since my parents, best friend etc all live at least a couple of hours away and it is nice for them to be able to stay there. So right now my plan is to have my son's room just continue as a shared "nursery"-- meaning we will play in there, read in there, change diapers in there etc. For sleeping- we currently have our king sized bed on the floor and we cosleep. We also have the mini co-sleeper (now in storage), so I am going to set that up and have the new one sleep there. That way we aren't all trying to share the same bed,but the little one will still be with us. For the first 4 months with my son, I got up for every nursing and brought him to the rocker in the nursery, so I will do the same this time. I just found it easier to nurse that way, plus he nursed less often at night then compared to now!! After the first few months I am just going to see what feels right. Another thing I am totally freaking about is tandem nursing. I really don't want to do it, but I also really don't want to wean my son because nursing his basically his favorite thing in the whole world.
Good luck to you!

Abby, Mom to Matthew (9/14/06) and new baby Annabelle (10/04/09), Wife to Dan
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#8 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 10:45 AM
 
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I have no advice to offer, only hugs. I'm pg with my first (due in 2 weeks) and that poem just made me cry. How incredibly sweet.

Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
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#9 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 11:12 AM
 
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thanks for that poem pp. my IRL friend and i both have 3 year old dd's and are both due with #2 in a few weeks. we are both worried about our dd's. i just emailed her that poem
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#10 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 11:19 AM
 
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Hugs mamma!
Take a deep breath. Everything will be fine. You do not need to worry, everything will work itself out. Stay stress free for that new growing baby inside you!

First of all, your dd is old enough to really understand and be involved with your pregnancy. You have a really good spread between the two. I honestly have no doubt that your dd is going to be so excited and when the baby comes, will be like a "little mother" to him or her. I bet you will hardly skip a beat. And prior to the baby coming, one of things you can talk about with her often is how much care a baby needs. Practice with baby dolls with her and that sort of thing. Tell her how wonderful of a big sister she's going to be and you're going to need her help because babies take a lot of work and time. Especially being a girl, she will handle this beautifully I bet!

And about your house being small... so what? Your children only need lots of love. They don't care, or notice what size the house is, especially at these ages. We are soon to be a family of 7 in an 1100 sq. foot house, so I understand where you're at with that, but everything will be just fine.
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#11 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 11:29 AM
 
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I would rather have my brother than have had all of my parents' attention growing up. By far. Even though it might be hard in the beginning I think it will all be worth it in the end.
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#12 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 04:00 PM
 
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you can do it! it's amazing how love can expand your heart.

as for co-sleeping, DS slept with us until 10.5mo and then we sensed he and DD should be together. moved him into her room with her, he in a crib and her in her bed, and after a couple weeks of adjusting they are inseparable. every morning he wakes her up at 6:50 sharp by standing up in his crib and "singing" to her. over the baby monitor we hear them jumping on their respective beds and laughing together in time that's just theirs. they're just 15mo and 36mo now but they are already the world to each other. (sometimes i want to go in and jump on the bed too, but i know it would be the same with *mommy* there! )

i wish you the same and more!
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#13 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 04:03 PM
 
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When my firstborn was 9 we were expecting our second child and I could tell he was worried about sharing us. This is what I told him:

Love isn't like a pie where more people means that everyone gets a smaller piece. Everyone gets their own pie!

My kids are 13 and 3 now and despite each having their own room they still sleep together almost every night. Sibling love is incredible.

Don't worry about the size of your house, we are soon to be a family of 5 in 1000 square feet. It's cozy.
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#14 of 15 Old 09-20-2008, 10:26 PM
 
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My three oldest share a room. Boy is on top bunk and the two girls bedshare on the bottom. The girls are two and half years apart. They all get along pretty well and sleep great together.

My dh is several years younger than his six siblings and also bedshared with whichever one he fell asleep with when he was little. His mother had bedshared with him as an infant due to him being quite ill.

I think that if your children are used to bedsharing with you then the transition to bedsharing with a sibling will be smoother than going to their own bed.
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#15 of 15 Old 09-21-2008, 01:09 AM
 
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My oldest 2 are 2 years 9 months apart. They love each other so much (DS has been gone all day and DD keeps asking me, "when will he be home???!?"

As for the cosleeping thing...DD slept with my husband (we had 2 double beds) more and more as my pregnancy came to an end, so it was just natural that the baby moved in with me. We each had enough room that way. Each family works out what is best for them.

Things will be ok! Try not to worry too much, I know in some ways it's nearly impossible at the begining, but you'll have lots of time to get used to the new addition before he/she gets there!

"Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?"~Mary Oliver

RT knitting mama  to 3 (& 8 who didn't make it) wife working on 13 years to a silly man who drives me crazy.
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