Tolerance and Understanding for Special Needs Parenting Please - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 04:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Having a special needs child is tough. A lot of times, we end up doing things that we would not have ever considered we would have to do: special diets, switching from breastmilk to elemental formulas because of severe allergies, melatonin (I would have NEVER done that before DD was born but it is a lifesaver for us now), therapies, getting help from the state, putting a child on medication(s), and the list goes on.

Sometimes our children due to their special needs and sensory issues are extreemly picky eaters who only want to eat certain foods that may be viewed to others as unhealthy. Other times, kids have certain diets where it is actually medically appropriate to feed the kids high fat foods like hotdogs. We already feel self concious about all this as it is. However, we have had to put aside all our lofty ideals and focus on what is best for our children versus our dreams of how we would do things if our kids had zero medical issues.

I am sure this goes without saying, but a lot of us here believe that attachment parenting goes beyond the basic extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, cloth diapering, and whatnot. It is about having a strong bond with them and providing what they need in order to become healthy, happy, and sucessful adults.

Is there any way that we can get some protection here from the random posters who are not special needs parents? In the past few days, I have seen some rather judgemental comments from people who are not special needs parents. I am just asking for some protection from them or even a sticky that says "what you see here may not be 100% crunchy. The posts here are from parents who believe in the AP ideals but have had to adapt them because of the individual needs of their children. Please respect that and keep your judgmental comments to yourself."
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#2 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 04:37 PM
 
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Can we add watching television to the list of "don't judge me" topics?

I think this is a hard area, b/c this IS a public forum, so anyone can read and post here, and I'm not sure they can hold anyone to different standards from the rest of the board. And sometimes, (and oooooooh I don't want to get flamed for this!) I think that it's easy for sn parents (myself included) to be more easily offended or frustrated with people who truly don't understand what goes on in our homes. It's ok for us to be frustrated and upset and really angry even, but it's important for me to remember that not everyone I know can truly understand how we live, and what my son needs. And that if their well-intentioned comments are hurtful or frustrating to me, I can either gently let them know how I feel or I can brush it off and go about my business.
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#3 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 04:50 PM
 
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I totally get your frustration. But this is only a tiny tiny part of MDC so I don't think something like this would be enforceable and I personally wouldn't ask them to change things for us. MDC is before all else, a natural family board.

BUT I do wish the main board were less judgmental when posting in the special needs area and realized that we try to do the best for our kids, even if somethings aren't viewed as natural family living or AP because of the adaptations we've made for our specific kids.

Thats why I don't call what we do "Attachment Parenting", I call it "Alternative Parenting". While a lot may be the same, everything is adapted to what works for our family.

Also: I think many people just don't realize what sub forum they are on when posting replies. It would rock if people took 2 seconds to read that first, lol.

Mom to Joscelyne 14, Andrew 12, and Mackenzie 10 and wife to Nate.
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#4 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 04:54 PM
 
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I totally agree with your point. I also hope that people think before saying something judgemental especially people who are not familiar with what it's like having a child of a particular special need.
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#5 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 05:25 PM
 
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I totally agree with you, too. It is so hard, at times, to be a parent of a SN child who has many challenges. What I would give for my child not to be have sensory problems--and not eat any veggies, and crave crackers all the time, or have huge meltdowns when he can't have anymore, or to be potty trained at almost age 5, or to sleep through the night. I deal with enough pressures and questions/critisms/helpful advice from the rest of the world...I come here to get support.
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#6 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 05:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Kristine233 View Post

Also: I think many people just don't realize what sub forum they are on when posting replies. It would rock if people took 2 seconds to read that first, lol.
I think this is the main issue. A lot of people just read the "new posts" and don't realize what section they are posting in. I've seen problems result from this on more than just the SN parenting so it's a generalized problem. I do think that a lot of misunderstanding would be prevented if people just took a second to check the forum they're in prior to posting.
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#7 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 05:29 PM
 
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I know during the times of the NICU scammers/fakers, there was outcry to get the NICU forum turned semi private in some way.

I don't post much in here simply b/c I don't want Joe Schmoe in Kalamazoo to be able to see everything about my family and kids.

I think it would be great to have some sort of group membership or some way to control who can post in here.
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#8 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 05:30 PM
 
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I'm so glad you posted this because maybe we really can come up with a solution here (as opposed to IRL, where we have to deal with such judgment all the time, and there are no rules to stop it). I totally get that lots of people just have no clue when it comes to special needs parenting, so when they come here and say things that are ignorant, judgemental, etc, I'm kind of OK with that. Well, most days, anyway. For me, the shock and horror comes when we try to educate/explain/build compassion and the non-SN parents respond with defensiveness and anger. Not sure we could really *enforce* anything to guard against this though. All visitors to the SN forum must bow down to the years of grief, experience, and wisdom of SN moms?
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#9 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 05:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kchoffmann View Post
All visitors to the SN forum must bow down to the years of grief, experience, and wisdom of SN moms?
Well duh!

Mom to Joscelyne 14, Andrew 12, and Mackenzie 10 and wife to Nate.
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#10 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 05:57 PM
 
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Maybe some sort of pop up window that will happen the first 2 times you post here that says, "do you realize you're posting in the special needs forum?" or something?

Hell, I think the entire board could use an...uh....educating experience about looking down their noses in judgment/thinking they have the lock on the perfect mommy formula, but that's just me :.
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#11 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 05:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Finch View Post
Hell, I think the entire board could use an...uh....educating experience about looking down their noses in judgment/thinking they have the lock on the perfect mommy formula, but that's just me :.
and me
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#12 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 05:59 PM
 
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What about a gentle reminder to posters that they are in the SN forum? Is there a granola ambassador for this forum? That might help too.

-fek, (who does not have a SN child but who learns a lot by reading here.)
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#13 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 05:59 PM
 
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Aren't there special rules for the "surviving abuse" forum?? Personally, I think this forum needs the same gentle reminders.

secular classical-ish mama to an incredible 5 year old DS and an amazing 6 year old DD.
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#14 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:04 PM
 
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I totally see where you're coming from, but I think it sould stay an open forum. People can learn a lot from it, even if they don't have SN's kids. I think that maybe a note at the top of the thread or something isn't a bad thing, but I think it should stay open.
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#15 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Finch View Post
Maybe some sort of pop up window that will happen the first 2 times you post here that says, "do you realize you're posting in the special needs forum?" or something?

Hell, I think the entire board could use an...uh....educating experience about looking down their noses in judgment/thinking they have the lock on the perfect mommy formula, but that's just me :.
me as well!

i think a pop up would be good, or as the message is about to post, make a warning message come up saying this is the special needs forum, still wish to reply?
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#16 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:09 PM
 
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I totally see where you're coming from, but I think it sould stay an open forum. People can learn a lot from it, even if they don't have SN's kids. I think that maybe a note at the top of the thread or something isn't a bad thing, but I think it should stay open.
yeah, i wouldnt want it closed, i lurked here a while before finnaly posting, reading helped me realise the reality of my situation and seek out support/advice.
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#17 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Finch View Post
Maybe some sort of pop up window that will happen the first 2 times you post here that says, "do you realize you're posting in the special needs forum?" or something?

Hell, I think the entire board could use an...uh....educating experience about looking down their noses in judgment/thinking they have the lock on the perfect mommy formula, but that's just me :.
See, and I was thinking of an actual hand coming out of the computer screen smacking the front of someones forehead who dares to challenge a sn'd mamas parenting ....

Here's me I married then we had dd15 , dd11 , ds10 , and then and now we and I blog!
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#18 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:15 PM
 
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yeah, i wouldnt want it closed, i lurked here a while before finnaly posting, reading helped me realise the reality of my situation and seek out support/advice.
I wouldn't want it closed either. Lurking helped me a great deal. Maybe closed to posting, but not reading? Then again, no. b/c I think that would deter a lot of folks who could use the initial information and support. Maybe just - we all need to remember that mdc is just an online extension of the real world. And the real world sucks. We do have a safe haven here, but it's just like everything else. IRL, there are annoyances. Same thing here. IRL though, we don't have the "ignore" function like we do here!
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#19 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:17 PM
 
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See, and I was thinking of an actual hand coming out of the computer screen smacking the front of someones forehead who dares to challenge a sn'd mamas parenting ....
: maybe shaggy daddy could set that up and his ds could do the growling thing
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#20 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:20 PM
 
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I highly doubt anyone wants a closed forum. Right? I mean, how would we even do that - you have to PROVE that your child is SN? That's just ludicrousness. But I like the pop up idea. Like even more the hand coming out to flick a forehead
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#21 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:23 PM
 
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Hell, I think the entire board could use an...uh....educating experience about looking down their noses in judgment/thinking they have the lock on the perfect mommy formula, but that's just me :.
Hi! I'm one of those moms who doesn't belong here, though I do lurk because of some lingering concerns about one of my kiddos.

First off, I do bow down to you SN mamas. You rock.

I wanted to echo Finch, and let you all know as an FYI, that we had this same discussion on the Parenting Multiples board a couple of months back. This is an issue throughout MDC (think breastfeeding challenges, queer parenting...). Sometimes I think they should do away with the New Posts button.

Trying to get my bearings...
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#22 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:24 PM
 
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I don't have a SN child, and I wouldn't want it closed because I think I have learned a great deal from reading in this forum.

A sticky at the topic of the forum couldn't hurt, but I usually click on threads from the New Posts and wouldn't see the sticky anyway.

I think writing posts like the OP every few months is probably the best way to remind everyone of the special needs of families on this board. And maybe someone could write a kind, but firm message that could be PMed as needed to anyone who posts a too-judgmental-for-the-particular-situation post.

Tanya
Mom to John (age 11), James (age 9) & Katherine (age 5)
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#23 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:24 PM
 
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I wouldn't want it closed either. Lurking helped me a great deal. Maybe closed to posting, but not reading? Then again, no. b/c I think that would deter a lot of folks who could use the initial information and support. Maybe just - we all need to remember that mdc is just an online extension of the real world. And the real world sucks. We do have a safe haven here, but it's just like everything else. IRL, there are annoyances. Same thing here. IRL though, we don't have the "ignore" function like we do here!
This is true. When folks peer in here from their ivory towers and go a-postin' to steer us poor, misguided, imperfect mommies back on the path to AP/NFL righteousness, I think we do a pretty good job of calling in the calvary to defend our own.

This is going to sound horrid, too, but maybe these people who are posting in here with their judgment and one-size-fits-all-NFL/AP-gospel ideals will get a nice healthy wake up call when we give them the what for. : You know, sort of a changing the world one smackdown at a time?

Meh. I'm really crabby today. Hell, I'm really crabby all this month. I shouldn't even be posting on these threads until this moose fetus is out of me or something. I'm fat and can't breathe or bend right and my boobs are leaking out of control and I fart and contract all the time and don't sleep, so I'm pretty much evil on a stick right now.

Y'all just ignore me.
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#24 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I also think there should be something said about respecting the treatment plans that the parents have made for their child.

One example is treating autism.

A parent who wants to try a DAN! doctor should be respected as much a parent who goes mainstream as well as a parent who is all about neurodiversity. There is a strong different between good information with asked for advice and flaming. For the most part, I think we have all been quite respectful towards each other and the choices we have made for our kids.

It is the fly by posters who do not realize that this is the special needs forum or what special needs parenting is all about that tend to cause the issues.

We can disagree and have different opinions but the most important thing here is respect. We have enough to deal with in our lives that the last thing we need here is more judgmental bullcrap.
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#25 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:28 PM
 
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but if we ignored you finch darling, how would we know if the microwaves and wi fi havent kiddnapped your brain!!
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#26 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:30 PM
 
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Y'all just ignore me.
Uh, no way, Finch. Not when you write such immensely entertaining posts as you just did above!
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#27 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:30 PM
 
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but if we ignored you finch darling, how would we know if the microwaves and wi fi havent kiddnapped your brain!!
Oh don't worry, I'm wearing my trusty tinfoil hat....decorated for Xmas, of course.
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#28 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just got the mental image of a baby with antlers and a vaginal birth.

My tubes just tied themselves.
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#29 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:31 PM
 
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Oh don't worry, I'm wearing my trusty tinfoil hat....decorated for Xmas, of course.
oh, very good, carry on then do you have one for the moose baby?
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#30 of 138 Old 12-04-2007, 06:33 PM
 
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I just got the mental image of a baby with antlers and a vaginal birth.

My tubes just tied themselves.
: i was trying to ignore the visual, thanks...... my uterus just ran away
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