"Brave" has nothing to do with it - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 60 Old 02-02-2009, 01:52 AM
 
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Originally Posted by donutmolly View Post
Seriously, what is it with the Drs trying to pull out the "trendy" card -- like we're birthing at home because stars do it? Um, I had my first DD at home before Ricki Lake talked about her homebirth... we're just happy that someone is finally talking about it in a way that's got the mainstream media's attention. And my hb midwife has had a steady practice for the last 25 years... some "fad", eh?
Homebirth is a fad- just ask my great-grandmother who had 10 homebirths It's so trendy that almost 1% of women are doing it now!

"Guess what? It's a magical world. And when I sing, my songs are in it."
Madly in love with my 7 and 4 year old daughters

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#32 of 60 Old 02-02-2009, 12:15 PM
 
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Thank you so much for stating so clearly and intelligently what I have been trying to say for months! I too borrowed your words and linked to your LJ on my blog. Thanks for sharing!

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Originally Posted by sarah1122 View Post
It doesn't annoy me, it makes me sad. I wish more women understood that we ARE ALL BRAVE because we ALL GIVE BIRTH...and giving birth does require courage no matter where or how you do it.
:

Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
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#33 of 60 Old 02-02-2009, 12:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by RachaelsMommy View Post
Very well written!

If I get the "brave" line, I'll just say, "No, I'm really scared. Scared of having my vagina or uterus cut open, scared of my baby's skull being fractured, and scared of MRSA."
:

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#34 of 60 Old 02-02-2009, 01:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MelW View Post
Homebirth is a fad- just ask my great-grandmother who had 10 homebirths It's so trendy that almost 1% of women are doing it now!
:

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Originally Posted by notyetamommy View Post
That's awesome. I also hate the brave comments. I've even been told I was brave for not finding out the gender of our baby! Someone once said to me "It's not like you get a medal for having your baby at home." Yes, that's exactly why I plan to give birth at home. I want a shiny medal. I went home and told dh, and he said that he would make sure to get me a medal so if anyone else says that, I can say "Yes I did!"
My response is usually, "What?! You mean I DON'T get a medal? Dang! Well, screw that. I'm off to the hospital!"
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#35 of 60 Old 02-02-2009, 03:38 PM
 
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wonderful post! good work, mama

Homebirthing mama of 2
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#36 of 60 Old 02-02-2009, 07:12 PM
 
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I usually interpret the "brave" comment as being about pain, too, so my usual response is, "I'm way scareder of having a big needle stuck in my spine [shudder] than I am of labor pain. Seriously."

As a Birthing From Within Mentor and Doula, in more "formal" situations, I do like to make the point that "safe" is not a fact, it's a feeling, the same way that "fear" is not a fact, it's a feeling. Some people are never going to feel safe giving birth at home, no matter how much they "should" feel safe logically, because feeling safe is not about logic. I would never feel safe giving birth in a hospital (basically I can't imagine going in unless I had an emergent need for c/s, at which point my feeling of unsafety out of hospital would have already outweighed my feeling of unsafety about being in the hospital.) But I have to recognize that some women will never feel safe out of hospital. And I accept that. But it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have an opinion (strong one) about the insanity of the way the birth care system is set up.

Here as mama to W (2/04), R (5/06), D (7/09), and J (12/9/12!), co-parenting with my DH

I WOH part-time, am a doula & childbirth educator, home/unschool, and hope we are nearing the center of chaos


 
  

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#37 of 60 Old 02-02-2009, 10:22 PM
 
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I always reply with, I'm not brave, your brave for going to the hospital. Makes them think. I'm thinking in my head they are brave, considering the fact that maternal death have been INCREASING for 15 years.
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#38 of 60 Old 02-05-2009, 03:08 PM
 
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I wish someone would call me "brave" for wanting a homebirth! Right now, all the labels I'm getting from family and friends (not to mention self-righteous nurses at the prenatal clinic) run more along the lines of "foolish," "brash," "risky," "stubborn" and "selfish." In comparison, at this point, "brave" would be a welcome change.

I'm traveling the world with my kids without ever leaving home and blogging about it -- watch, taste, and share our adventures at TheGlobalStayCation.com!
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#39 of 60 Old 02-05-2009, 03:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MelW View Post
It's so trendy that almost 1% of women are doing it now!
the whole "trendy" thing has got to be the craziest.... Its just considered "normal" to have an epi birth (along w/90% of the other births) - but somehow "popular" to have a birth experience shared by 1% of the US population. hmm... somhow that logic fails to make, well, sense!

Quote:
Originally Posted by notyetamommy View Post
"It's not like you get a medal for having your baby at home." Yes, that's exactly why I plan to give birth at home. I want a shiny medal.
: LOVE it!

loving Mama to Killian (6/07) and Breckin (3/26)
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#40 of 60 Old 02-06-2009, 04:34 PM
 
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Well I always try to follow the same trends as my mom. So since I was born at home it must still be cool right. lol
Yeah the trendy comment gets me the most. Brave I assume has to do with the fear of pain, which is understandable based on the medias portrayal of birth. Most people's only experience with "natural" birth is someone they know not having time for a planned epidural or one that didn't work. There is no way for them to comprehend the difference preparation makes.

To the OP, amazing post. I will definitely be using that in the future.
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#41 of 60 Old 02-06-2009, 04:40 PM
 
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I'm not pregnant yet either, but when I told my mom that I wanted to have a home birth, she said that she wouldn't want to be there. I've puzzled about that thought for a long time.
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#42 of 60 Old 02-06-2009, 05:19 PM
 
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Thank you so much for taking the time to write this! I am going to save this and share it with my friends and family after my homebirth in June.

Mama to my sweet girl born at home 6/09
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#43 of 60 Old 02-06-2009, 06:39 PM
 
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Great post!
I too think that "Brave" probably often = "Wow - no option for epidural!"

However, I WILL say that *I* DO think there's a degree of bravery. (and I'm a pro-HB Mom who will plan an HB whenever we conceive #2.) Because it's so controversial! Because if something IS wrong with the baby, many of your friends & family are likely to think it's "your fault" & you were "reckless" & "endangered your baby" by being at home.

Whereas, if you're in the hospital at least they "did everything they could" (even though we all know that many times the hospital interventions CAUSED the very fetal distress they subsequently intervene to solve.

So, personally, I DO see a degree of braverly in choosing HB in America today. Simply because, so often (and in my case), you do so at the opposition of your friends & family & face their judgement that you're endangering your baby.
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#44 of 60 Old 02-06-2009, 07:01 PM
 
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Great post!!!

Do you mind if I copy it to put on my blog, linking it to you and giving you credit of course? I'd love for my family to see this.

Kim, Wife to Michael, Homeschooling Mom to Hannah (13), Aidan (12), Brighton (8), and Oliver (5) and Ephraim (2) goorganic.jpgsaynovax.giffly-by-nursing1.giffemalesling.GIF 
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#45 of 60 Old 02-06-2009, 07:45 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamabeakley View Post
I usually interpret the "brave" comment as being about pain, too, so my usual response is, "I'm way scareder of having a big needle stuck in my spine [shudder] than I am of labor pain. Seriously."

As a Birthing From Within Mentor and Doula, in more "formal" situations, I do like to make the point that "safe" is not a fact, it's a feeling, the same way that "fear" is not a fact, it's a feeling. Some people are never going to feel safe giving birth at home, no matter how much they "should" feel safe logically, because feeling safe is not about logic. I would never feel safe giving birth in a hospital (basically I can't imagine going in unless I had an emergent need for c/s, at which point my feeling of unsafety out of hospital would have already outweighed my feeling of unsafety about being in the hospital.) But I have to recognize that some women will never feel safe out of hospital. And I accept that. But it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have an opinion (strong one) about the insanity of the way the birth care system is set up.
I love this! Very well put.

April thankful mommy to my boys Big Red 3/06 Little Z 9/08 and happily awaiting the arrival of 10/10 :
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#46 of 60 Old 02-06-2009, 08:47 PM
 
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I think it's saddest that we've raised up a whole generation of women who are more scared of their own bodies and a natural process than the potential for unnecessary abdominal surgery. I really don't judge anymore because it's so engrained in our culture that I think it's really hard to have confidence and faith within that structure. I've heard women say they were "relieved" that their baby was breech or other such "reasons" for planned cesareans because they were scared of giving birth vaginally and they were happy to have an excuse not to. It's really, really sad. As far as I'm concerned, if they've grown up with the cultural messages we are all exposed to, it actually makes sense to feel that way. Which is just so, so, so unfortunate. In that way it is somewhat "brave" to be able to step out of your social construct and do something so far out of the norm. I've always been somewhat offbeat, but I can't say that I had really experienced being in a 1% population before giving birth. It still feels really weird that so few other women share my experience overall because it makes so much sense to me.

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#47 of 60 Old 02-07-2009, 11:51 AM
 
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Awesome post. Its so annoying when people tell me I'm brave. Being brave is standing up to what you fear. Since I don't fear giving birth I don't see how I'm being brave. I would be brave for going to the hospital again. I'm terrified of going there. I'm a chicken.

Heather Mike Married 8/1/99 Mom to Charlotte Aug 04, Nov 06, and Katherine Oct 07
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#48 of 60 Old 02-07-2009, 02:04 PM
 
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Fantastic! Brava!

(Do you mind if I repost it on my Facebook? )
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#49 of 60 Old 02-07-2009, 02:14 PM
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Amen to that!

I can't tell you how many times someone said that phrase to me when I told them I am having a homebirth this time.

Oh...and when I told my husband one of the reasons I wanted to have a homebirth this time was becuase the C/S rate is 30% in Sacramento, he said, "But didn't those women need C-Sections?"

*facepalm*
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#50 of 60 Old 02-07-2009, 11:20 PM
 
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I was told this week that I was brave for getting pg at 43. :

Anyway, I know I don't know you, but I really, really love you. :

Me : living with and loving papa and the kids: Dd1 8/97 , dd2 8/04 and my sweet baby ds 5/09 : :
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#51 of 60 Old 02-08-2009, 09:03 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by madiesmommy View Post
Well said. I also love it when they tell me I should get a medal. Yes, I gave birth at home to get a medal. *oy*
Then mothers who do it under duress in hospitals should get purple hearts!

Urban Homesteader, secular homeschooler, HBACer, sewing cloth maxipads, reading Diana Gabaldon, (rhymes with 'cobblestone') hoping for a Star Trek future rather than a Firefly one.
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#52 of 60 Old 02-08-2009, 07:08 PM
 
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Thank you for this post! I just sent it to my mother-in-law, mother and best friend, who are all concerned about our decision to home birth. I can't wait to hear what they have to say about it!
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#53 of 60 Old 02-08-2009, 09:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Talula Fairie View Post
Amen to that!

I can't tell you how many times someone said that phrase to me when I told them I am having a homebirth this time.

Oh...and when I told my husband one of the reasons I wanted to have a homebirth this time was becuase the C/S rate is 30% in Sacramento, he said, "But didn't those women need C-Sections?"

*facepalm*


The willingness to believe that a third of all women have faulty bodies or are giving birth to babies that are too unhealthy to "handle" natural birth is just staggering.
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#54 of 60 Old 02-08-2009, 09:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by barefootpoetry View Post
Huzzah!!! I am not brave....in fact, I am way too chicken to ever give birth in a hospital again!
Exactly.
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#55 of 60 Old 02-08-2009, 09:20 PM
 
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oftentimes I don't think the term 'bravery' is referring to the said 'danger' of childbirth. I think it is projected more toward the idea of pain and discomfort that people perceive to happen during childbirth. Most people want to be at the hospital so they can get pain relief.

If there was a word needed to describe what 'homebirth' is I would say perseverance. It is often the pain/discomfort that causes a woman to finally 'give in' and get an epidural. If we persevere, than we continue through a difficult time. Since childbirth can't physically be stopped, to continue through labor without pharmaceutical pain relief, IMO is perseverance.
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#56 of 60 Old 02-09-2009, 01:15 AM
 
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Well said!

I love some of the comebacks.

If I ever get around to posting on my blog, I'd like to post it and credit you also! I've gotten only once so far. I will email it to my mom. She 'understands' but keeps sayin she'd rather be at the hospital.

Mama to 2 year old and :: June 14th!
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#57 of 60 Old 02-09-2009, 03:20 AM
 
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Based on the research you presented and my own personal experience and research, the thing I'm most afraid of is the hospital. So me choosing homebirth is actually me wimping out. I'm afraid of all the awful things that can be and are unnecessarily to birthing women. I'm afraid of the epidural and what it can do to interfere with birth. I'm afraid of a Cesarean: the pain of recovery, the threat of future fertility, the way in which it interferes with baby's development, attachment with mom and breastfeeding. I'm afraid of drug resistance bacterial infections, serial vaginal exams, not being listened to and respected by hospital workers. I will never go back to a hospital to birth unless I absolutely have to. It's birthing at home that feels safest to me.

M.Ed. Mama to Chunka (1/07), Beauty (5/09) and Elizabear 3/12): Birth Doula (working toward certification) AAMI Midwifery Student, Advocating with Solace for Mothers & The Birth Survey

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#58 of 60 Old 02-09-2009, 08:06 AM
 
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Beautiful post OP.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MegBoz View Post
Great post!
I too think that "Brave" probably often = "Wow - no option for epidural!"

However, I WILL say that *I* DO think there's a degree of bravery. (and I'm a pro-HB Mom who will plan an HB whenever we conceive #2.) Because it's so controversial! Because if something IS wrong with the baby, many of your friends & family are likely to think it's "your fault" & you were "reckless" & "endangered your baby" by being at home.

Whereas, if you're in the hospital at least they "did everything they could" (even though we all know that many times the hospital interventions CAUSED the very fetal distress they subsequently intervene to solve.

So, personally, I DO see a degree of braverly in choosing HB in America today. Simply because, so often (and in my case), you do so at the opposition of your friends & family & face their judgement that you're endangering your baby.
I totally hear what you're saying here, and I do think it can take courage for a woman to step off the culturally accepted path of hospital care, to listen to her own inner voice rather than something pre-prescribed. While planning a homebirth I felt the reality that I would be unduly judged and criticized for my choice should I not get the birth-outcome I was hoping for. It did take courage to walk through that fear. But when a friend of a friend heard about my plans to HB and said "you're so brave" she wasn't acknowledging this courage at all. She was suggesting that my plans were reckless/dangerous/ill-informed.
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#59 of 60 Old 02-09-2009, 10:45 AM
 
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8 months later and I'm STILL having old aquaintences stop me telling me "gosh your brave"
Quote:
Originally Posted by dogmom327 View Post
Nice! My standard response to the "brave" comment is that I think people who go to the hospital are brave! Nothing scares me more than unnecessary abdominal surgery!
That's my usual come back too

Oh and ALWAYS get comments like "so-and-so knew this gal who had a hemorage/fetal distress/(insert other catastrophe here) and THANK GOD she was in the hospital or she might have DIED...would have been no time for transport, etc...!"
I gently remind them that I had a mw right beside me that would notice any potential problems that might (and did) come up and I also remind them that a HUGE percentage of gals on the L&D floor get induced as a "standard practice" and those inductions account for MANY of the "emergencies" that come up for these unfortunate moms...
(As in, hospitals CAUSE the same emergencies that they "save" these women from...) eliminate the hospital...eliminate much of the emergent situations
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#60 of 60 Old 02-09-2009, 11:19 AM
 
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Excellent post!



Thanks so much for the gathered research done on births. Yes, just so birth-phobic is the culture we live in, it's truly wonderful that more women are seeking alternatives to unnecessary medicalized births, very heartening. As a teenager I felt very strongly that many women were being used and abused, manipulated and controlled when pregnant and birthing( and otherwise) This made me really sad and angry as I knew in my heart that to birth we need to feel comfortable with ourselves, safe and positive in our attitudes towards birth and therefore our bodies. I feel it's a complex issue and involves societys attitude towards our bodies in general and of course to the act of birthing. It's so very condescending to assume women want to birth more naturally as a 'trend', good grief birthing is not about choosing a new coat. Just more retaliation from a controlling medical estab. As for the being brave comments well I agree with the pp who says that could also be the thought of going pain-med free but as we know the interventions can be detrimental. The alleviation of pain for a bit during my eldests hosp birth had a parylyzing (sp) effect on me and my subsequent unnassisted births were pain-med free, I didn't notice an increase in pain intensity during those births and had much shorter labours. Why is it tho that there is such opposition from so many to women taking any control over their bodies, you get such negative feedback from hospital staff when this is suggested, I know some staff are not too bad but women really don't need this ' do as you are told and be a good little girl' attitude that is so common. Education is a must as women's bodies are still treated with an unhealthy negative attitude, something I just cannot deal with as I give birth.
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